I'm a very shy girl who met a guy who went after me really intensely. I was standoffish for a very long time since I don't really trust people much, I'm too sensitive and I was trying to protect myself but slowly I guess you could say he melted me.
I was really scared and I told him many times to just tell me if he just wants to have fun and isn't serious because then I could protect my heart. I was really attracted to him and didn't have any other prospects at the time so I said I would be casual with him if that is what he wants. But be kept showering me with love and pulled me in further.
Now the relationship is over and he basically broke up/moved on very swiftly and unemotionally. I realize he was never really serious and it's my own fault for believing him. However, I think the experience will help me be less naive in the future.
Sorry for the long introduction but I just wanted to give a bit of background information. Basically I am heartbroken and I feel wronged. I tried to be very understanding and end it on good terms but my anger has just grown. I want to tell him what I think about his uncaring nature one last time before forgetting about it but I don't know if I should. I mean do people like that care that they have hurt another person deeply? I can't even imagine treating someone you shared so much with with such coldness. It's probably better not to say anything right? But I feel like I need to get it out. What do you guys think?
>>16617102
iktf
But it might not be the best idea for you to talk to him again, best thing to do is to move on and not give him the thought he doesn't deserve. If you really feel like you need to get it off your chest remember that it's unlikely he will apologise, he's more likely to shrug it off or ignore you or argue
I'm in a really similar situation right now. I suggest just trying to move on. If he hurt you without giving a fuck he won't care no matter what you say to him. Some people are just manipulative assholes without feelings. I wish you better luck next time
>>16617111
>>16617112
Yeah I don't really expect a real reaction from him but it's hard for me to understand people like that. I wonder if he would feel a shred of regret and think twice when coming across someone like me again.
I mean he isn't completely heartless I guess. He could have just shut me out completely but I did manage to have a long conversation about it with him on the phone. He didn't say much but he was still there and listening. It's just that it's very easy for him to just cut me out of his life and mind.
I hope things work out better for all of us in the future.
he played you like a fiddle.
i mean look at yourself, you're still harping on even after he trashed you. i bet if he hit you up today for a booty call you'd run to him.
don't seek closure, or keep thinking about why he did what he did, or what you could have done to keep him around. just move on. i know it's hard but it's what must be done if you want to keep your dignity.
>>16617155
I know. I just feel like he's getting away scot free cause I was so good to him even after he acted like that.
>>16617102
Just move on. Also there's always two sides to every story, maybe you did something that made him break up with you.
>I want to tell him what I think about his uncaring nature one last time before forgetting about it but I don't know if I should
You kept telling him to treat the relationship casually. He did.
What the fuck are you women expecting? If a woman kept telling me not to get attached, I'm not going to. On top of that, I'll probably ditch her so I can find a woman where my feelings are accepted and unquestioned.
Fucking god damn. You build up all these walls, and you just end up with a castle without a gate.
You literally asked to become a fuckhole.
>>16617462
No I didn't. You are misunderstanding what happened. I said that if he wants to be casual we need to set emotional boundaries because I knew I would end up hurt otherwise. He assured me he was serious over and over. Is expecting a little decency and consideration for the other person really too much to ask from men?
>>16617102
Wait, why are you upset? Because he isn't being obvious with his pain after breaking up with you? Because he moved on?
I don't see how that's heartless and cruel. What's he supposed to do, wear a black veil for X amount of time until he's proven his mourning for your relationship?
People deal with pain in their own ways. And talking to exes is not easy. A lot of people don't. That doesn't mean he never cared about you.
It kind of seems like you're just using this opportunity to decide that you were right all along. Because our brains hate to be wrong. That's called cognitive dissonance.
It's easier to demonize him and say that he was evil and "one of those kinds of people" then to face that you two just didn't work out. It's easier to stay in your bubble of not trusting anyone than to get hurt and keep your heart open.
Don't you think you might have hurt him? It hurts to constantly hear from the person you love that she doesn't trust you. That she thinks you're just playing her. He showered you in love and you never truly believed it could really be coming from his heart. Is he supposed to just brush that off?
>>16617478
>You are misunderstanding what happened.
>I told him many times to just tell me if he just wants to have fun and isn't serious because then I could protect my heart
If a woman kept going ~A-A-A-ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO BE 4 REALSIES~ I'm going to get sick of it and move on, and find a woman that doesnt put me through that bullshit.
God damn all of this reminds me of dating in highschool. People don't like having their feelings questioned, so cut that shit out unless you want them to revoke it.
>>16617479
I see your point but the thing is that looking back I can see I was just being naive and letting him use me. It was all too quick and too good to be true.
>>16617102
I fucking hate stupid women like you. You wonder if a guy only wants you for sex because you give it up to him so fucking easily before you even know if he loves you. Then you go fucking batshit and can't trust anyone anymore just because the relationship didn't last. Then you get to the level of insecurity where you'll rebuff normal guy's attempts to get close to you, only to end up giving in to some horny persistent fuckboy who will do it to you again.
>>16617485
I didn't keep doing it. I asked it when we were getting together. I realize people's feelings may change as the relationship progresses but he should have taken a moment to think about if he really wants to be with someone like me.
>>16617102
> I mean do people like that care that they have hurt another person deeply?
Forget telling him anything. He exactly knows how uncaring he is. That's the whole reason he did it. He cares about himself and did this for the conquest. He may even convinced himself that he taught you a valuable lesson, so you should be glad.
> I can't even imagine treating someone you shared so much with with such coldness.
Men value different things than women. What appeared sharing so much with to you most likely appeared to him enduring the whining of that stupid bitch so he could finally get laid and leave a mark on her for the rest of her life. That he did it with a smile was only a good act. Also, there are a lot of people who do exactly this guys and girls alike. Lead the other on to exploit them.
>It's probably better not to say anything right?
Nope, forget him. You are in no position now to stand up to him. Give it time.
>But I feel like I need to get it out. What do you guys think?
Your feeling is understandable, you feel that what has been done to you is injust and you are totally right, but you also need to consider that you are still under his influence and telling him how shit he is won't get to him. He knows exactly how shit he is, he did this thing to prove it to himself how capable he is. If you want him to feel like shit, the only way to do that is to prove that he lost a lot with you. Live your life, be happy, get a happy relationship, live as if he didn't even exist. Then he will question if letting you go was a good decision and realize that what he is doing is bad for everyone, even himself.
>>16617494
It happened because I was so inexperienced. I won't fall into that trap again. I realize now that no one is going to save and make things easy. Next time I will try to be with a guy who's more like me and take it slow.
>>16617486
How long were you together? It's very likely that he really was into you. But then eventually he saw something in you that he didn't like, and started having less feelings for you. It happens. You're way too paranoid for your own good.
>>16617486
How did he use you? And how was he being cold?
>>16617496
But he did want to be with you. Just because the relationship ended doesn't mean he never cared about you.
>>16617506
I agree with your advice but I won't even think about it in terms of how he might feel in the future. I know I'll be trapped forever if I keep trying to live to show others how happy I am.
>>16617509
I know. I'm an inexperienced emotional fuckup but I am trying to grow. It's just that we were different people I guess. I know I have faults and I'm willing to put up with other people's. No one is perfect. But I guess that's just my lack of experience talking. If people don't match then there's no point in trying to keep making compromises.
We were together a little over a year and he may have been into me but looking back it really was suspiciously quick. I mean I put up a long fight but the things he said from the beginning were say too intense.
>>16617513
You're right. I guess it's just something I had to learn. Not everything lasts. It just infuriates me that it's so easy for him and how quickly he changed. But I can see how he might feel now. This thread has really helped me.
>>16617538
>I know I'll be trapped forever if I keep trying to live to show others how happy I am.
Of course. Don't do it for him. Do it for you. As a side effect, he will rethink his decision. Just close the past and learn that if a guy is really really pushy and aggressive, that means something is wrong. If he doesn't know you well, he shouldn't have such strong emotions that pushes him this hard towards you, so what he has those emotions for is his ego.
Get some new experiences, acquaint yourself with new people and live a happy life!
>>16617538
>it's so easy for him and how quickly he changed.
You don't know that. A lot of people use jumping back into the social game as a coping mechanism. Distractions are a great way to pretend everything is okay.
But that's me assuming you mean moving on as being social and maybe talking to other women. Because you haven't really been specific about any of the things he's done. You haven't said specifically what is so damning about him.
I'm glad that you're feeling some empathy for his side. Relationships come and go. Focus on the good memories and keep facing forward to the future.
>>16617538
>We were together a little over a year
That's a pretty long time. If he just wanted to use you for sex, there is no way he would have stuck around anywhere near that long.
You shouldn't "become more careful" in the future. You did everything right. On the contrary, this will make it more difficult to ever have a relationship again. Right now you're sending huge red flags - guys aren't going to be attracted to a girl who will just keep retreating into her shell and pushing guys away because she doesn't trust them.
It's understandable that you want to tell him something, but it's not worth it. It's probably not that he won't care because he's heartless, but more that given his own point of view and way of living life, he won't have a grasp on how he hurt you and will chalk it up to you being a butthurt dramaqueen. Don't waste your energy on him anymore.
Having said that, analyze what happened when you met him and see if you can pinpoint potential red flags in his attitude or the way he treated you. It kind of sounds to me like you did pick up on something shady that contributed to your hesitance, but was scared to go with your gut. Do not be so in the future. Relationships should feel emotionally right, if something's off, don't pursue it.
Also, next time don't frame wanting a serious relationship the way you did. While being open and honest, it also communicates how vulnerable you are and that you don't know whether to trust the guy or not - aka, easy to take advantage of if that's what you want. You be the one to ask what he wants first. Someone who is devoted to a long term relationship is not going to say he'll see where things go or "oh yeah I want a real relationship I've had enough of flings". They're going to be passionate about exactly what they are looking for and why, just like you would be if a guy asked you. If they are too casual about it, they either don't mean how much they want a serious relationship, or they're not sold on you personally.
Also try to remember, hard as it is, that becoming too guarded or bitter only hugely increases how this guy damaged you. Don't grant him that. There will be more in life that sucks or shatters your trust, try to rise above it and come out stronger. Invest in yourself.
>>16617572
From the OP I thought he dumped you shortly after getting with you, just saw that you were together for a year.
OP, hard as it is to believe, you HAVE to grow used to that many people put on their tough suit to not show that they're hurt. He might even have thought that it was not appropriate to show his sadness while he was the one breaking up.
And even if he did not love you as much... that is very painful, but also his loss. That means you got more out of it than he did in the end.
>>16617102
stop dating guys with no empathy or maybe try dating guys who are shy just like you but no you have to go for the most over confident douchbag.
>>16617563
Yeah thanks, it's just really hard and confusing after the first big break up. I knew he couldn't really like me for me cause he didn't know me at the back of my head but I wanted it all to be true.
>>16617564
It's just that it was damn near overnight. Everything seemed to be okay one day and then suddenly he got more and more distant. And he wouldn't tell me what's wrong or explain anything. He knows what I'm like. The way I can't just put things out of my mind and I will keep thinking about it. It might be selfish to say that but I think he should have made an effort to explain how he feels if he knew I was hurting. I guess you could say the same for me. I should have understood that this is his coping mechanism too but he was never like this before.
Right now I feel like I don't even want to remember any of it but I hope I can cherish the good times as time passes.
>>16617149
he is not i know how chads are they just want to get their dick wet and lack empathy. trust me they dont give a fuck that they hurt you.
>>16617571
I know it's too long for just sex. That's why it hurts so much. We were happy and then suddenly he was gone and didn't explain anything. It's easier to think it was never real.
I don't think I'll be retreating. It will be hard but I will try to open up. Something like this happening was my biggest fear. Now that it has happened I think I will be stronger and less afraid.
>>16617585
I think I will but the hard part is that shy people find it harder to indicate they are interested. The more reserved the guy is the more I will think they aren't interested. I guess I jumped into this cause it was so easy and he seemed to be intoxicated by me.
>>16617572
That's really good advice, thank you. My mistake was thinking everyone would be like me and that honesty would make the other person care or be careful. I know I made a lot of mistakes too. I should have gone with my gut.
>>16617571
This. So fucking much. This sort of baggage is a huge red flag. I'm so fucking tired of women being afraid to get close. I don't have the patience for it anymore.
>>16617631
I won't be. It's just because it was the first big experience. I was afraid of not being so idealistic I guess because I thought my heart would turn to stone and I wouldn't really love anyone but I can see now that I was just being childish. Hope that makes sense. Hopefully I will have a honest and down to earth relationship next time.
Ashleigh?
>>16617694
Nope.
>>16617102
>I realize he was never really serious and it's my own fault for believing him
no you dumb cunt
he broke up with your because you're insecure, clingy and say retarded shit like "ust tell me if he just wants to have fun and isn't serious because then I could protect my heart"
>I feel wronged
You shouldn't. Act like a fucking adult.
>>16617609
>I know it's too long for just sex
So apply some rational thinking.
Are you open to the possibility that he cared for you at one point, and YOU did something wrong? You seem extremely quick to paint yourself as the victim and blame everybody else for your relationship problems. Personally, I don't think I could be with somebody who was still insecure about our relationship and asking if I "wanted to go casual" after months or a year.
Try working on yourself. Take a long, hard look at yourself and figure out why you were so insecure. "You've got no other prospects", does that mean you literally had nothing else going on other than this relationship?
>>16617844
I'm trying to.
>>16617890
You call it naivety, but it sounds more like immaturity.
Relationships end all the time, even the serious ones. If you can't accept this, if you don't have the self esteem to consider life without this person, then you're never going to be in a healthy relationship.
Vilifying the guy might feel cathartic, but its not going to help you grow as a person. Nobody stays with somebody for a fucking year just for sex. Something was obviously toxic about the relationship, and its up to you to figure out what it was and avoid it in the future.
>>16617885
>asking if I "wanted to go casual" after months or a year.
I asked that when we were getting serious not recently or well into the relationship. But I am well aware that it might have been me and why I am insecure. I know what's wrong with me. That's why I thought I should "warn" the other person that I'm not a 100%. I realize that might be a really stupid thing to think but hey, I did what I thought was right at the time. It might sound like I'm retarded and I have a victim complex but it's not that easy. It's easier to think he's the asshole but deep down I know it may be more complicated. I just feel like talking about it and seeing what other people think helps.
I meant the prospects thing in the way that I don't have a boyfriend and I'm open to a physical relationship because the way he approached me initially seemed like that's what he wanted.
>>16617930
Aren't the two connected on some level?
This one was only my second relationship and the first one was even bigger of a joke so I'm just learning. The pain is still very raw.
I know I will grow and I will be more mature and reasonable next time.
>>16617609
I dated my first gf for about half of that. Everything was perfect. We got along extremely well and always had together. And then about 6 months into the relationship, she just announced she wasn't feeling it anymore and broke up with me.
Do I feel bitter about it? Do I think she used me? No. Things like this happen. I moved on.
>>16618073
I will move on too. It's just the shock of it.
