Adoptee Advice
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
I turned 18 in October. I'm obviously still living with my *adopted* parents. I was adopted at birth and have had absolutely no contact with any biological relatives, until yesterday. Around midnight on Tuesday I was heading to bed when I got the urge to Google my birth mothers name. I've done this before but until the past year I didn't know her last name, which is incidentally my first name, go figure. Luckily for me, or unluckily, that's why I'm here, I ended up on a new search site that gave me associated usernames for Facebook and MySpace. I found a woman with the correct name, in my general area, but her age was one year older than what I was lead to believe it should be. Nonetheless, after a lifespan of wondering my curiosity got the better of me and I checked out the associated MySpace profile. I saw a young woman that greatly resembled me, so I found her Facebook and asked her if my birth date meant anything to her. The next morning I woke up and checked my phone to see that she said it meant a lot to her and to call her at 4 pm. So at 4 I called her and had one of the most awkward but relieving, real and for lack of a better term informative talks of my life. She manages metal bands, was excited that I'm not religious (me too to be honest), and is generally amazing and I'm so glad that she's the mother I ended up with. She even bought me an instrument microphone I mentioned I'm saving for for Christ's sake. I also learned that I have a half sister through my father, who I also haven't talked to yet, so I'm no longer and only child.
Now that you know pretty much everything, how do I tell my adopted parents? They haven't been told anything, and I normally would tell them immediately, its just that things are pretty tense between us. They don't trust me after finding half a gram of kush in my room and over reacted, my dad lost his job recently due to restructuring and my mom has mental issues, and this could be really emotional for them, way more than it has been for me and my birth mother. After Christmas we leave to be in Tennessee for a while and it would be so awkward for us if they knew what's happened, but I'm worried that if I waited till after Christmas they'd be mad that I hid this from them, even if its because I don't want to stress them out over the holidays. I talked to my birth mother about this and she said that she'll support however I choose to deal with this. How should I deal with this? Am I making too big of a deal over this? If you've been involved in this kind of process before how did you go about it? Sorry for using two posts, it all wouldn't fit.
If they were open with you about the fact that you were adopted, they should have expected that you'd get in touch with your birth mother sooner or later.
>>16595429
That is true, and I probably didn't convey right that we've been at odds lately and I'm afraid they'd be super pissed that I didn't involve them at every step of the way.
I see absolutely 0 problems with telling them, as long as you don't make it sound like you're ditching them for your real mom, when they took 18 years to raise you and care about you to the point of getting mad over drugs.
>>16595421
Hi Thomas.
Just be all lovey-dovey with your adoptive parents, and wait a bit to tell them.
>>16595458
Not Thomas.
>>16595448
I definitely wouldn't leave them, I'd end up in another school district and my real mom doesn't have enough money to comfortably support me from what I can tell.
>>16595462
Honestly what I'm thinking.
You're 18 now, and, for better or for worse, this is something you should do on your own. You don't have to just abandon your adoptive family, nor do you necessarily have to hide it from them. You can be honest with them as soon as the time is right; when things have cooled down and you feel ready to have the conversation.
>>16595486
Thanks for that response; I'm still not used to the whole adult thing yet, and that seems like the most level headed approach.
One thing I'm anxious about is meeting her though; I'd kind of like to meet her before they know, but they're still really tight on making sure I'm not out buying crack. Just tonight I went out to a small restaraunt ten minutes from my house and unbeknownst to me the tracking service on my phone was disabled and I got am angry call from my adopted mom demanding I come home. I just don't know if I'd be able to get the time to meet her somewhere without my parents freaking out. I know that's not something you guys can help with but that's a factor weighing in on when I should tell them.
>>16595535
You could just have her meet you along with your parents if you don't mind it being incredibly awkward.
>>16595535
>Just tonight I went out to a small restaraunt ten minutes from my house and unbeknownst to me the tracking service on my phone was disabled and I got am angry call from my adopted mom demanding I come home.
I'm sorry, but that's a bit nuts. You're 18 now and have the ability to leave home whenever you feel like it.
>>16595595
Not OP, but some parents have a hard time letting go. Once you watch over someone for 18 years it can be difficult to stop looking out for them.
>>16595595
not if you don't want to get kicked out =P
>>16595595
But, they're paying insurance and stuff on my car, and they're going to pay for college, so I don't want to fuck up right now so I can have a roof over my head in this county and potentially go to college without incurring masive debt. >>16595612
>>16595589
I know they'll want to meet her, and she wants to meet them because she feels indebted, but I'd like time to get to know her for real without my conservative, controlling, Christian adopted parents breatbign down my neck, and I'd hate to have to wait until college to get that opportunity.
>>16595602
Oh, I know. My mother was like that the entire time I was growing up. Eventually I just got so sick of it that I put my foot down and moved out, even if it made things a little more difficult for me. The freedom was refreshing. I'm in my late 20s and she talks about wanting me to move back home pretty often.
>>16595621
>But, they're paying insurance and stuff on my car, and they're going to pay for college, so I don't want to fuck up right now so I can have a roof over my head in this county and potentially go to college without incurring masive debt.
If they care about you, they'll want you to have a bright future regardless. I'm not saying move out ASAP, but you should try to be as independent as possible so that you're able to distance yourself from them and become a real adult.
>>16595421
That's a really cool story. Perfect for the holiday season.
If I were you I wouldn't tell them. Just keep it your lil secret til there's less tension between you and your parents.
