how to tell my boyfriend I need time to myself?
so my boyfriend likes hanging out... a lot. which I love, but, I kinda need time to myself to catch up on basic things like working out, cleaning, and honestly just relaxing, finding a job, etc. he doesn't take it when I say like sorry I can't hangout today because I'm looking for a job or something, he will just be like oh well can't you hangout after? and it's pretty annoying because he thinks no matter what I have to do I can always at least hang out after even if it's 11pm. honestly, I just wanted the next two days to myself, to go shopping, relax, workout, self I
prove etc but idk what to tell him because he doesn't take anything the right way.. the only thing I can do is make up an excuse of soemrjinf like I have to babysit all night of stuff like that, but I feel like last time I said that he knew I was lying.,, but there's no way to get out of it! I need a break from seeing him sometimes so I can focus on myself!
what should I do?
"I've got a bunch of stuff to do all day, but I'll keep you posted." Then once in a while take a quick pic of whatever you're doing and send it over.
It's 50% craving your attention and 50% insecurity. Intermittently contacting him resolves the former, and showing him that you are legitimately busy resolves the latter. Obviously don't take pics of stuff which he could then leverage into "I could be there while you do that!" Stick to the stuff like job search.
>>16590038
be honest. if honesty doesn't work, than the relationship is too flawed to move forward.
just say 'yeah im busy til wednesday' and roll with that.
he will either
A) get used to it
or
B) break up with you
not many other options. never cave. be strict to your schedule.
I'm a guy and im the same way. i work all day, then come home and have projects i need to work on, so dting takes a back seat. last time i dated they wanted to see me like all the fucking time, and im like 'once every other day MAX, cuz i got shit to do, and even then i wasnt getting enough done.
>>16590038
Tell the fucking truth. Guys like the direct approach. Myself, I feel the same as you. Ever weekend, I gotta drive to my gfs house, or she drives to mine to hang out. I just want a weekend alone! I've told her several times, and she agrees to give me free time, but then for some stupid reason, I feel bad and hang out, thus wasting my time. My house is a mess and I need to clean and shop for groceries lol
Just have a talk with him, face-to-face, and just be straightforward and honest about how you feel. There's nothing unreasonable about wanting some space. Some people are more extroverted than others.
You shouldn't feel like you have to make excuses or lie to him, because that's not good on either of you. Just be honest, it's up to him whether or not he "takes it well."
Just say you love him, but you just like to spend time alone and get your own stuff done sometimes, and you need him to respect your space a little more. Maybe suggest one or 2 days a week when you're not going to see each other.
>>16590051
yeah. let don't get me wrong, I love seeing him! but we usually hang out all night and sleep over and then a little the next day and it distracts me from everything else I have to do! he wants to hang out like everyday or every other day which is fine like after I catch up with my stuff...
>>16590048
I disagree with lying about it. If you just want time to yourself, then don't hesitate to tell him. A good partner will understand. Sometimes people need to be by themselves, everyone needs a bit of personal space.
I've been in a long-term relationship for nearly 5 years now and there are some days where I just wanna be by myself. It's not that I don't love my fiance, because I'm always excited for when we spend time together again, but a relationship doesn't have to absorb every microcosm of your existence.
>>16590049
yeah the thing is I'm not always like this, but when we do hangout all the time week after week I neglect everything else and usually need a couple days a month to myself and he always takes it the bad way.. it's pretty annoying
>>16590048
the thing is he has tons of friends so it's weird.. and often times he wil leave hanging out with his friends to see me .. idk he doesn't act insecure or attention craving in any other way besides how he always wants to see me
>>16590067
If you disagree with lying, why are you quoting my post which tells OP to speak the truth? She has a lot to do today. That's as factually accurate as possible.
>>16590067
yeha the only reason I've lied is because he harasses me to hangout if my excuse isn't good enough so I've lied just so he leaves me alone :/
>>16590075
Okay so we can ignore the idea which gives you a solution to this situation, or we can maybe try something and see if it helps. What do you think? Should we maybe try just sending the guy a couple messages and seeing what happens? I think that might be a worthwhile idea.
>>16590079
Well, your post tells OP to be vague about it. It doesn't address the issue. OP shouldn't need to justify herself in saying "I'm busy" and by taking a picture of what she's doing (what's with that?).
She should be able to say, "I need a couple of 'me' days to relax and catch up on some stuff."
>>16590082
As people have said, if he's unable to empathize with the need for personal space, then it's something you need to address before your relationship gets to deep.
Don't be afraid to be blunt and forward, just say. "I need some me time, if you have a problem with this, then WE have a problem."
>>16590038
>Babe not tonight i really need to catch up on my thingS you know the gym, cleaning but Ill get back to you with when, okay sweetie :) I love you.
Its that easy.
>>16590102
Ah I see the problem now. You, like most of /adv/, lack empathy. Heaven forbid we should consider where others might be coming from. Because IDEALLY she should be able to act only in her self-interest, that's what she OUGHT to do.
Special snowflake syndrome. Awesome. That's definitely how you build healthy relationships with admittedly imperfect people.
>>16590124
/thread
he hasn't wrote back for two hours ... since this text, and I know he used his phone becuss he liked stuff on Instagram
he is honestly sooooo stressful! like leave me
alone omg i can't hang out so ignore me ..
honestly he just stresses me out so muh not even because of
this but in general. he's been a dumbass and asshole throughout our relationship and I'm just tired of it to be honest
>>16590426
Maybe he's an asshole in other ways, but in this case, it sounds like you're really just not telling him what you want, or what you're thinking. He's not a mind-reader. So when you make an excuse like "I have to help my mom clean and wrap presents," he wonders "OK can we hang out when you're done with that?" Because you didn't actually say, in any form, that you want to be alone tonight.
It does sound like he's a little pushy, and maybe a little needy, but the real problem is miscommunication. You might solve the whole issue if you just sit down with him and say what's on your mind, like an adult. Or maybe he'll be a baby about it. But you're making everything worse by dodging the conversation, he can't possibly improve if he has no idea he's bothering you
>>16590441
because when this has happened before and I said I'm stressed out I need time to myself, he just kept saying oh I'll make you feel better oh come on oh come see me after etc etc like he didn't get it or try to understand and made me feel bad so it takes hours of me telling him I don't want to hang out till he accepts it. it's exhausting and stressful! that's why I've lied just so I could haves. good enough excuse so I don't have to be stressed the fuck out :/
>>16590460
Well, a good relationship shouldn't make you stressed-out and exhausted like that. If you're in a situation where you feel like you need to lie and make excuses just to have some peace, something's wrong. If you've told him how you feel, and he still can't respect your boundaries, maybe you guys just aren't compatible. You both have drastically different ideas of what a good relationship looks like. It's not about who's right or wrong, it's just about whether or not you should be together. And in the end, it's your choice. Whether or not the good stuff is worth the annoyance.
>>16590038
You guys are young. I can tell because this reminds me of my first relationship, we were together from high school into college. He would always push to see me and get angry when I just wanted time to myself sometimes. It got to the point where I felt I needed to make bs excuses to just get my me time.
But when I got older I learned the best thing to do is just tell the truth. So there you go. Just tell him you need time to yourself to chill for at least the next few days, maybe even the whole week. It is the holidays after all. He just needs to grow up a little, he's too clingy right now - I totally understand this. Are you guys in college yet?
>>16590525
I mean I'm almost done with college but it's my first serious relationship
and yeah idk it just stressed me out so bad that he gets mad and ignores me and shit and doesn't understand that I'm not available for him every time
he wants to hang out and stuff ...
and I'm actually pretty depressed right now too so I literally need time to myself he just distracts me a lot and is selfish and stuff. I know a lot of people will say break up I'm not ready to tho
>>16590038
That will be hard to do. Needing space usually immediately is taken as I'm not interested anymore. I would know, my gf suddenly did this to me and after weeks of feeling like it was over she said she didnt mean like she wanted to break up but that she was depressed and didnt want us to fight. But the fact that she sorta took some space then asked for it without clarifying made us just get annoyed with each other for weeks and fight over stupid shit so now we're both just over the relationship but we know better that we won't find anyone better.
>>16590594
but also a
lot of the reasons I am depressed has a lot to do with him
>>16590595
yeah that also why I don't want say "I need time to myself" I dnt want to push him completely away
and same .. I'm depressed... a lot of it has to do with him, and I guess I am also trying to distance myself from my feelings for him, because he lies and he's shady
but I'm
not trying to be distant for weeks. 'just a coup days?
If that's how you feel u should talk to her. was she depressed bc ur relationship problems? Bc that's why I am
>>16590426
B r e a k u p
He wants to spend time with you you ungrateful slut.
>>16590048
This, exactly. Send little pictures and snippits of info every time you switch activities. Just "looking for a job now" and send a pic. This keeps him informed and everything should be fine. Or "gonna take a rest now, little tired," etc., and don't lie about it. Ideally he should be doing the same.
>>16590622
From what I know she's always had issues with depression and anxiety. She used to self harm as a teen but got over it with counseling. She's been playing medication musical chairs because all of them stop working after a few months. She's starting to think that she might be bipolar and I can agree she needs to talk to someone about it because it could be her real issue.
Her current issue isn't me or the relationship it's just life in general. From what she's told me it's depersonalization/derealization from the anxiety or bipolar where she feels worthless like she's just existing throughout the day and not doing anything with her life. But she's also living with her parents in a rural area where she can't even work and she can't even drive somewhere if she has to because they took her car away. its just a fucked up situation and she feels trapped unless she does something crazy like move in with me or join the military. and on top of that she's turning to the internet for some sort of validation by having like 5k instagram followers and all sorts of guys hitting on her which bugs me and she doesn't see the issue with it.
>>16591009
that sounds like me if you replace self harm wth eating disorders, and she seems way more into hers than mine, like I don't talk to my boyfriend about it. yeah..good luck with that. I think she needs a lot of help, she must feel really bad inside if shes going to instagram and the internet and shit for validation..idk honestly shit like that is just immature- I don't do stuff like that for attention with respect towards my boyfriend even when I feel like he doesn't give me enough attention I just deal with my sadness/feeling worthless whatever, idk good luck she sounds like worse than me =/ but dealing with someone with depression and anxixety youd prob hav to deal with them not beng able to see you all the time, seeing my boyfriend and entertaining people is EXHAUSTING .
>>16590038
I had a gf with a similar issue to yours. I wasn't nearly as insistent as your guy, but she got overwhelmed when I'd ask to hang out once a week. Frankly I wish she'd just sat me down and told me straight up that she found it overbearing, because I had no clue that this was the issue. She just got more and more distant and I never knew why until one day she blew up at me. By then she'd built up so much resentment that she no longer wanted anything to do with me, and I was just happy to get away since she'd seemed so inexplicably unhappy whenever I was with her. If she'd just told me, I think we both could've avoided a lot of heartbreak.
What I'm trying to say here is that these problems are only going to compound themselves the longer you put off dealing with it, because he's going to keep inadvertently stressing you out and you're going to hate him more and more without him really understanding why. If you really don't like this guy then don't feel obligated to stay with him, but if you do like him, take the time to sit with him face-to-face and tell him that while you enjoy hanging with him, there are days when you're too busy to chill and it stresses you out when he insists on seeing you.
If he's a decent guy he'll respect that. He may ask you to clarify how/when he should get in touch with you. But if he gets mad or doesn't stop doing it, or doesn't make an effort to change things, then he's not going to change and it's time to part ways. I had a friend like that who wanted to hang out with me constantly, and I told him that it was really overwhelming to have him calling me all the time. He told me that his reasoning was that he wanted me to know that he was available, which was a nice sentiment, but he got really angry and aggressive whenever I turned him down, which wasn't so nice. Eventually I had to just cut all contact because he wouldn't stop harassing me and calling me names. So I've experienced both sides here.
>>16591348
once a week? he asks me to hng out just about every day..i mean I wanna see him 3-4 times a week but more than that is a bit much to me.,. when isee him its usually like for 3-5 hours then sleep over and lave the next day, so not like were meeting for an hour or so. if he only wanted to see me once a week I wouldn't like that, but I feel like hes expecting me to see him wayyy too much and the fact that he gets mad is so annoying, and ive tried telling him that I need time to myself sometimes but he doesn't care
and yeah def.. like the harassing and stuff is what stresses me out! like he doesn't take "im busy" for an answer and I find it disrespectful, like he shouldunderstand im not available ALL THE TiME like im done with school now, so he assumes ALL my time is free for him whenever he wants to see me. its pretty ridiculous..
