What are good ways to help move on from an abusive/shitty ex?
>had a long-distance partner who groomed me to allow for worse and worse treatment over the course of almost a year in a time of my life where I was very low, vulnerable, and lonely
>they abused insecurities I had and made me feel dependent on them
>when I visited them in another state, they strangled me in a hotel room and I was afraid for my life. I still ended up staying with them after that because they managed to manipulate me into doing so.
>confided in me they had homicidal urges and frequently fantasized about murdering their co-workers, friends, etc.
>always knew they were most likely fucking other people behind my back all the time, tried very hard to ignore it/deny it (they wouldn't add a relationship status to their facebook and I found posts from around Valentine's day where they gave very romantic gifts to a co-worker, pathological liar, etc)
>blackmailed me with nude photos including my face to send a gift they gave me back to their address when I let them know I was done with their shit
>they ended up breaking up with me, but afterwards acted like I was the one leaving them and in some weird way treating me like shit like it would make me want to stay with them
>still begged to stay friends afterwards because I was the "only person who understood them"
They really fucked me up. I've had nightmares about them before, but they seem to be gone now. I've been away from them for over a year and a half, and I've been with a partner who's better than I could ever ask for for over a year now, as well. We're both entirely satisfied with one another and NOTHING abusive goes on. We rarely even have little arguments. However, I just can't get this ex out of my head. Sometimes they just pop back up out of nowhere and I hate it. It's not even an "I want them back" type of thing. It's like some curse that keeps gently reminding me that it's here.
>tl;dr how to forget an abusive ex for good
Sounds like you're suffering from Stockholm's syndrome man, seek professional help from a licensed psychiatrist, but know that you made the right choice and move on towards a better future.
>>16567223
I just looked up Stockholm Syndrome, and I in no way am sympathetic towards my ex. I think they're the worst kind of person and really hate them. Thinking about them makes me nauseous. I just want their memory to stop coming up and seemingly random intervals. I don't even want to cope by imagining horrible things happening to them or anything, I just want to move on and pretend they never existed.
I do have a therapist, but I'm living the poor life right now and trying to save up money, so I really can't afford to see them more than once every several months. And even then, I see them mostly for another issue I have that they specialize in, so I don't know how much they could help me with this other than "focus on what you have now" and other generic advice.
I am very happy I'm moving on. Thank you for that.
>>16567238
I don't think Stockholm's syndrome necessarily means that you are sympathetic of your ex, but that you're still in some way dependent on him.
I feel you, Anon. I still have nightmares about my ex now and then. I wish I could erase him from my brain.
bump
the best antidote for most things hidden in the dark is an illuminating lite.
wether you just keep typing it out to see it externally/objectively, or you have friends to be sympathetic, or seek counseling...
all of these things will shine a light on it, and the longer something fucked up sits in the light, the more obvious it is that its fucked up and can be dealt with
>>16567542
So in order to forget about this person, I should remember them?
>>16567208
I had an abusive/toxic "best friend" and I recovered the most by surrounding myself with sane, functional people until I begun to feel safe around people again. When I get tired and stressed I sometimes still revert back to a doormat, but as long as my life is mostly on track, I've more or less overcome the constant fear and helplessness that I endured for years.
>>16567208
>they
>they
>they
how many people were you in a relationship with?
if you're gay just say it. theres no point in hiding the gender it sounds confusing as fuck plus its a fucking anonymous board.
as for the advice, stop being too emotional, stop being a masochist, stop overthinking things from the past and always be surrounded with normal people from now on
>>16568516
Kind of, yeah. Facing your issues head-on is often the best way to overcome them and move on. I talk about all sorts of shit in therapy that I didn't even want to think about, and now there are a lot of bad things that happened that don't bother me anymore.
did his name begin with an F?
>groomed me to allow for worse and worse treatment
>made me feel dependent on them
>I still ended up staying with them after that because they managed to manipulate me into doing so.
> tried very hard to ignore it/deny it
>nude photos including my face
basically you ignored all warning signs, become dependent for no reason and then when he does disturbing shit you just ignore that and stay with him and let him take nudes with face....
why?
you put a lot of "he made me"s in there but you gotta take some responsibility for yourself somewhere.
>>16568746
They is used for a gender-neutral singular, that's not difficult to realize or grasp as a concept in English. I did that because I didn't want people making assumptions based on what my gender and my partner's gender was. For all you know we could've been lesbians.
Define "too emotional," please. What is too emotional? What's the right amount of emotional? How do you know how emotional I am? Wouldn't you know that's one of the things my ex always told me when I got upset at their verbal abuse.
>>16568754
I see what you're saying. Maybe I should join some kind of group?
>>16568782
No. An M.
>>16568895
I was 17~18 when this happened, and my idiot parents tended to be a touch verbally abusive during my adolescence, so it was something I was already groomed to anyway. As I said, I was desperate and lonely and in a dark time in my life. People who do this kind of thing are very good at manipulating others and using their insecurities to make them dependent. Even in the dying breath of this "relationship," my ex was sending me desperate texts saying things like "I have friends and family who love me, I'm happy. You have nothing. You need me." and this "I feel sorry for you, you're pathetic and no one will ever love you," barbledigook.
I do blame myself for most of what happened, because I was a stupid child who ignored the gigantic red flags. But I also have to remember that I was a sheltered 18 y/o who was being manipulated by a shitty 25 y/o who'd been around this block before.
>>16567208
Best way to get over an old guy is to get under a new one. Freshen up your style, Buy a cute New outfit, change up your routine, stay busy and don't think about him. Do dishes, laundry, cleaning shop, get on tinder and get out there with someone else. Lastly, break any contact however possible (change number, etc) and don't take anyone's shit lying down ever again.
>>16568895
this isn't about blaming the OP for their abusive ex, it's about helping him get over it. do you really think telling him that he "has to take responsibility" is going to help him, or any abuse victim? he probably already feels guilt enough...
