f am
So I'm talking to this girl I met on tinder. We have great communication and everything is great. We are going on a date this coming Saturday.
However, there's something going wrong I feel. We had our first disagreement last night. She struggles with anxiety attacks and I playfully nagged her until it pissed her off and she said enough. I backed off and then we got on other convos. However later that night something similar happened where we had another disagreement and she starts going on how we "aren't similar people" and how there's a "lack of maturity" with me. She said that these things may make us stronger in the future as they may compliment our personality types, but she threw that out there. She also started sounding very bleak over text and not that interested/annoyed.
Come later today she starts talking about this girl's ass and how she wants to get the nerve to talk to her because its her big crush. I ask her why she's telling me this (she's bi) and she tells me we are not dating. Well of course we aren't, but she's also expressed how much she liked me over this past week multiple times and how she can't wait to see me. Fast forward a few hours and again she's telling me about this guy and is putting crying emotes and saying "ugh".
What's going on f am. Am I being tested? I don't get it. It's starting to make me a little upset.
Another thing I'm gonna throw out is that she talks about her Ex's. A lot. She says that they abused her and one raped her and all this but she also just flat out talks about them a lot. I sort of hinted at it last night when she got upset at me that I really don't like hearing about them all the time.
>>16550013
M8, that's way too serious for tinder. Bail.
>>16550013
You haven't even gone on a date yet and you're already pumping the brakes. Just cancel politely and don't talk to her anymore. Tell her you've thought about it and you just don't believe you're compatible. Don't say you're not sure, don't leave any room for her to read between the lines, just break it off now, with empathy and kindness and let that be that.
Femanon with anxiety here, yes we all deserve love blah blah but if someone is completely spilling the anxiety beans this early to someone else who isn't equipped to really handle that, it's not going to work.
>>16550037
How do you deal with it?
>>16550037
I mean I think I am equipped to handle it, it's just I don't know why all of the sudden she's getting in this mood with me. I told her I fucked up and apologized when we got in a disagreement.
Is she trying to test me by saying all of this shit about her crushes and what not? Like the only reason it's weird is that it was totally out of the blue and just doesn't feel right
>>16550046
In the past, very poorly. Now? It's a lot of work. I read books about anxiety, follow internet forums, support groups and the like. I practice meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy techniques for at least an hour daily.
I've had it since I was a kid and I'm 29 now and just realized in the last year how many relationships (friends, family, and romantic) have been ruined because of my anxiety. Literally the only person who can fix my anxiety is me.
Having a boyfriend who is understanding, willing to learn about it, and supports me while I heal my brain is helpful and I'm incredibly grateful for him, but he is in no way able to actually help me with my anxiety.
>>16550059
Alright, so question then, am I being tested by all of the sudden hearing about all of these hot boys and what not? Judging based off of how you would act
>>16550055
You could definitely afford to get educated for sure. Anxiety In Love is a great book that will help you understand why she's getting in the mood and how literally nothing you say will help her get out of it.
She is very likely not trying to test you. I have found that a lot of people with anxiety also have some issues with social interaction, verbal filter, and oversharing.
I've been completely guilty of telling new love interests all about my past and all my hurts and fears only to feel completely embarrassed and vulnerable the next day.
A lot of times what happens is the emotional brain gets revved up and the intellectual/logical brain shuts down, so there is a huge rush of emotional information getting dumped on who ever is in proximity or seen as "safe" in the moment, only for the brain to get back in balance later. Then we feel regret, worry about what they think of us now, etc.
Imagine being drunk and overly honest and regretting it the next day. It's kind of like that.
>>16550069
She actually recommended that book to me. And yeah I have noticed everything you said from her. So you think she's into me but just is in one of those moods? should I not take any of this to heart then? Because I really am willing to work with her as I really do like her a lot, it just wears on me sometimes.
>>16550079
Crikey, haven't even had your first date and she'll already giving you books on how to handle her?
Almost sounds like you're buying a car and not wooing a girlfriend.
>>16550067
>Alright, so question then, am I being tested by all of the sudden hearing about all of these hot boys and what not?
Not that anon, but it's possible. Either she's giving you a shit-test or you're already in the friendzone. Either is very undesirable. Bail out now.
>>16550083
Yeah LOL. I don't know though, I really want to be in something for the long hull. I'm tired of short flings and want something that will last.
On top of I also have my own depression things so its refreshing to able to talk to someone and have them genuinely care. how should I act when she is in one of these moods? I've been doing the killing with kindness
>>16550079
Sounds like she's into you, yes.
I wouldn't put a whole lot of weight on her words. I'd probably put more on actions.
Take into consideration that you still haven't even gone on a date yet so you're still a contender just like the other guys and girls.
While her talking about her interest in other people isn't exactly social standard, she's not doing anything vastly inappropriate - she's letting you know she has other interests, even if the method is cringey.
>>16550055
>I mean I think I am equipped to handle it
If you're nagging her, I don't think you are. I'm another grill with anxiety and I'm mostly over it. However, when people nagged at me, that just made me more anxious and I would slowly revert back to a giant ball of anxiety. All progress would vanish. I had to get through it with time and an extremely patient, understanding guy.
>>16550094
>killing it with kindness
that's the idea. Being empathetic, trying to see her point of view, disengaging when the conversation isn't productive, asking to talk about it later, and so on.
Being that many many people suffer from some levels of anxiety and/or depression, as you yourself are, it's not a bad idea to get some tools on how to deal with others who are struggling.
Whether or not you choose to pursue a relationship with her, or if she wants to pursue one with you, it's still solid life information that will help you relate more to people anyways.
>>16550100
Yeah I see what you mean. It was an isolated instance, however, and I mean it was very innocent and about roller coasters LOL. I simply said "one day I know you'll have the courage to get on one" and didn't drop it immediately.
I've dated girls with anxiety so I have some ideas. It's just been awhile
>>16550100
>all progress would vanish
yep yep
>extremely patient, understanding guy
that's the ticket
>>16550013
You're both extremely immature. You're perfect for each other.
>She struggles with anxiety attacks and I playfully nagged her until it pissed her off
>Come later today she starts talking about this girl's ass and how she wants to get the nerve to talk to her because its her big crush
>What's going on f am. Am I being tested? I don't get it. It's starting to make me a little upset.
So you don't mind flinging shit but you can't take any?
Secondly, if you had any fucking sense in your head you'd tell her to talk to this girl and spin your way into a threesome. Unfortunately, you're an idiot.
>>16550112
senpai plz.
It wasn't nagging it was more just playful banter. I honestly was trying to make her feel better because she was saying things like "I don't think my mind will ever get better" and I was like "of course it will". So It wasn't pure shit slinging senpai
>>16550127
Yeah, because it sounds like you definitely have it all figured out. Never mind then, you're a pussy slayer and you don't need any help, that's why you came to /adv/ right?
It obviously wasn't playful banter or she wouldn't of gotten pissed off. Your lack of understanding the basic mechanics of women have left you in a tight spot. And over a fucking TINDER girl?
Pls. Step it up.
>>16550144
dad don't disown me in front of my friends. plz.
But in all honesty I know it was a fuckup. I came out and flat out told her I fucked up and was wrong like 10 mins after the whole ordeal. I owned up to my shortcomings, anon
>>16550127
Lad, this girl sounds like a lunatic. I can appreciate the Hercules complex as I suffer it myself. But what I realise is that usually people are just far too into their comfort zone to change who they are.
I'm not saying anxiety isn't a serious thing, but you have to ask yourself how much can that take away from the essential give and take of any relationship? Because anxiety doesn't remove her comprehension for other people's feelings, it just makes her not care about them. I wouldn't go as far to it's selfishness because it's not decision, but honestly what kind of a relationship is it where all that's special about you is that you'll take the shit she dishes out and ask for seconds?
>>16550107
That was not a good response, I'm sorry. It doesn't speak to a lack of maturity but it does speak to a lack of understanding. Anxiety (assuming she does have a real disorder and isn't just a scaredy-cat, of course) doesn't mean you're "afraid" of things, it means your brain mischaracterizes their risk level and floods your body with a completely unnecessary cocktail of fight-or-flight chemicals every time you encounter them. Most people with social anxiety aren't actually scared of talking, for instance, they're scared of their body's completely disproportionate response to it. Similarly with PTSD and phobias -- imagine that every time you saw a rat or whatever you got tunnel vision and chills. You'd probably develop avoidant behavior too. And unfortunately the solution isn't "courage" -- it's just gradual desensitization to the stimulus until your body stops hitting you with doses of adrenaline and glutamate that would overwhelm almost anyone regardless of how brave they were.
You meant well, and I don't blame you, but "courage" was just the wrong word. I don't blame her either for getting her hackles raised.
None of that justifies any of her behavior not directly related to that conversation, of course.
>>16550155
No actually fuck that. My mother was in a relationship with a man who you had to tip toe around what you said with or they'll fly of the handle and it is fucking miserable. It's like you're not allowed to be who you are around them and if you can't be yourself with the one you're supposed to be in love with then you can only get heartache, a hurt throat and A LOT of lost sleep.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone and that includes OP. For god's sake, get out of there. If she is making it clear now that she won't make the effort then neither should you quite frankly.
>>16550155
Yeah she actually explained that to me. I don't know, just feel bad.
>>16550152
She's actually a very caring person, that's why this hit me from left field
>>16550181
She recommended a book about her anxiety. To me that just says
>I know I can be a handful for no reason and rather than trying not to be or even apologising for it I expect you to just fucking deal with it.
>>16550198
Some people have mental illnesses man. If you care about someone, you stick through it with them. I mean, according to her she was drugged and raped by one of her EX's. That same EX then proceeded to kill her next boyfriends dog. That's some serious shit
>>16550202
That's truly horrible, but why should you pay for it? Y'know what part of what her ex did now means that she can't just accept that you're trying?
>>16550221
I don't know anon, I guess the good outweighs the bad. She's really sweet and open to me and I don't know, I just feel like I shouldn't judge someone based off of their past experiences. She actually had a meltdown a few days ago saying how I will be like everyone else and "Leave her for the cuter, smarter, not as fucked up girl". It's sad man and I truly care for her so I want to date her and educate myself on how to help someone like this in the processes, and ultimately be a good person.
