cheating lessons
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
What are things you have learned from being cheated on?
Things you learned from cheating?
>>16536000
>What are things you have learned from being cheated on?
While another person's actions are completely out of your hands, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, you should periodically step away to look for red flags. Don't pass over something just because you happen to really care for the person. And being nice =/= doormat. Don't be a doormat.
>>16536000
I now don't trust anyone at all. Learned isn't really a positive in my case.
>>16536000
49 year old disappointed in life, excuse my english.
>meet a lovely intelligent med student
>we date, get married
>she's kind of a bitch, but pretty straightforward and not manipulative
>have 2 kids
>some shit gets in me and I cheat on her
>she suspects, but couldn't prove
>almost get divorced when she was pregnant a second time
>cheat again with multiple women(nurses etc.)
>meet a cute 10 years younger kind submissive woman
>she treats me like a god
>divorce wife and leave her and kids
>get married to younger blonde, have a kid
>she gets fat and bitchy, spends my money
>turns out she was the manipulative bitch all the time
Fast forward 6 years
>fat bitch wife and a spoiled kid
>oldest daughter is 18, doing well in med school
>doesn't really want to see me anymore
>I'm too old for this all
>wasting my life here
>think I might be an alcoholic
I fucked up my life by being stupid and cheating around. Don't cheat. Don't put up with it. Control yourselves or break up.
>>16536049
>control yourselves.
that advice is pretty solid.
>>16536056
And don't be short-sighted. I usually cheated when I worked night shifts, wife was stressed, children were little. We were both really frustrated and I think it was me trying to escape responsibility and reality. I gave up on everything, and later I realized it was just a crisis that every marriage or a serious relationship has. It is solvable, you just have to wait and put some effort in it.
Of course if you're in a casual relationship without future plans or children, these advices don't apply. You have much less to lose.
>>16536049
Yeah, my dad did the same shit to my mom (although he was also physically and mentally abusive to boot). I still ignore his phone calls where he pleads for me to talk to him, and he will never know his grandchildren. Aside from the second oldest kid, who he also abandoned, the rest of his kids are spoiled, narcissistic, and stupid.
>>16536075
I have an OK relationship with ex-wife, but I really want to improve my relationship with my daughter. I was never abusive or something like that, never even hit my children. It's just...losing an intellectually equal, even superior partner and above average children to a mediocre one and a stupid spoiled kid feels like a life fail.
Thank you for listening to me Anon, and sorry for derailing your thread with my life story. I just had to get this off my chest. Cheers
>>16536000
That people are shitty, cant trust anybody and how jaded i can be
Nice trips btw
>>16536096
>I was never abusive or something like that, never even hit my children.
It's still a shitty feeling knowing that someone you loved betrayed another person you deeply cared for. After you cheated and ran off, she probably felt abandoned. And then you had another kid, which probably exacerbated the feeling of abandonment. "What is so wrong with me? Am I not good enough?" Not only that, but she had to watch her mother suffer. There's really no coming back from something like that, because those years of bonding have been lost. Even if my father was never abusive, I could never forgive him for doing that to my mother. All respect is gone. She's a wonderful personal, all around, and is/was admired by many. He truly downgraded.
>It's just...losing an intellectually equal, even superior partner and above average children to a mediocre one and a stupid spoiled kid feels like a life fail.
It pretty much is. But this is your life now, and you can't exactly leave it. Do your best to work on your relationship with both children, and try to undo your current wife's bad job on your spoiled child. But don't expect much.
>>16536000
Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks
>>16536049
>>16536068
>>16536142
OP here. I've never understood people not being able to control themselves. And exactly as said, after being cheated on in nearly every relationship I've had, I always thought it was my fault. That I wasn't good enough. If I had been good enough, then none of my exes would have cheated. But I know that's not true now.
>>16536171
>And exactly as said, after being cheated on in nearly every relationship I've had, I always thought it was my fault.
You may have missed some red flags, or be attracted to a certain type of person that easily gives in to fleeting feelings, but it's still not your fault and something that no one deserves. The best of people are still cheated on.
>>16536049
my father did the same to me and my sister, now he will die alone for having cheated on my kind lovely mother
I'm sure your kids love you but don't bother them, I assure you they felt so much more sadness than you for what you did and you just want to touch all over their wounds
what a shit of a father, just like mine. cheating is the worst you can do to your children instead of just getting a normal divorce. there's simply no excuse
You guys are putting sex on a pedestal. It is essential to a relationship, but this is far from being everything.
If you connect with a woman on all plans, but you happen to cheat once because of various reasons and you come honest to her, it'd be very stupid to end an excellent relationship over this.
It'd be like throwing away the baby with the bath water.
Honesty is the key for me.
>>16536255
consider it like this if honesty is supposedly the thing you go for
if someone was really honest.
the least they could do is telling you beforehand they want to fuck another person. that's honesty
what you are talking about is called regret not honesty
>>16536255
Nah, why would I be with a cheater when I can be with someone faithful and way better? That's just silly.
>>16536267
>implying regret and honesty are mutually exclusive
Cheating is a big mistake, but people do make mistakes. In my opinion, what is more important is working together to not repeat that.
>>16536255
youre being retarded
It isn't the sex that destroys the relationship, it's the complete betrayal and shattering of trust. It won't ever be the same
>>16536279
>working together to not repeat that.
Jesus christ, well then. go get keked beyond recognition
>>16536255
>You guys are putting sex on a pedestal.
Not at all. If my guy wanted to sleep around, and it meant a lot to him, I'd have more respect for him if he talked to me about it first. I've even told him it would be okay under certain circumstances, as long as we talked about it first--he's just not interested, because we're both monogamous. Sex with randoms isn't fun or interesting. But going behind my back and keeping secrets from me is a huge breach in trust. THAT is unacceptable.
>>16536279
Cheating isn't a "mistake" like it's some kind of accident. I understand people make mistakes, I make mistakes too, but I have never and will never completely break the foundation of trust, loyalty, honesty, and exclusivity that my relationship is built on. That's way more than a "mistake". If I can hold myself to that standard, I definitely can hold my partner to that standard too.
>>16536281
You call me retarded but you didn't even read my post. I like the irony, kid.
You sound pretty immature and like you never had a serious relationship where you had to work through real couple issues.
My girl cheated, and it hurt, but sex with her stayed good, great reaĺly, for many years after that.
>So, I learned to stay in relationships if the sex is good, bail out when it gets bad.
I think one of the reasons people cheat is that the idea of having desire for someone else is forced to be extremely repressed because capitalist society forces us to both desire to consume other people's bodies and have extremely low self esteem.
>>16536286
This.
I never said it was ok to cheat under all circumstances. I said it can be worked through if the person at fault comes honest and the other person is willing to forgive.
It just depends on the situation "your mileage may vary", all the time.
My point was the views of people ITT are not balanced and it shows they don't have much experience dealing with that situation first hand (or they have been brainwashed by their loving moms).
>>16536007
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!
My BF and I finally broke it off. Last month. He went really quest and tried to avoid me for weeks. Then I found the proof I needed. I wanted to see if he had the balls to admit it. He did not. Fucking coward.
>>16536346
>(or they have been brainwashed by their loving moms)
I'm >>16536286 and >>16536142
There was certainly no brainwashing, at least on my mother's end. She desperately wanted me to have a relationship with my father, because that's something she never had, and it really fucked with her. He just kind of disappeared with his new family until he felt like resurfacing, and by that time, I had already felt resentment towards him. That's what happens when someone not only cheats, but decides to completely abandon their old family (until they feel like "taking them out of the box" where they left them) for a new one. She never spoke ill of him, even after everything, and actively encouraged me to see him. I just didn't have it in me, because I have high standards for the people I keep close.
>>16536390
So it was not only about cheating then. And I totally agree with you, what he did was completely unforgiveable and way past beyond the point of "just" having sex with another woman.
>>16536255
The way you think about relationships, it's as if the other person who got cheated on is at fault for fucking over a good thing - No.
The person who cheated fucked up a good thing. THEY were the ones who threw the baby out with the water. Not the other person.
They made a conscious decision. They knew they were in a relationship, yet did it anyway. The attitude you have is rotten, trying to push the blame and responsibility onto the person being cheated on for throwing it away.
It sounds like you're the cheating party here, and are trying to shift the blame around because you can't fess up to your own mistakes. Maybe you're not and it's all speculation on my part, but the message you are sending out with this is that the person who got cheated on is ending a good thing over nothing, instead of fessing up and admitting what they did themselves.
This is more of a confession post I guess.
>dated highschool sweetheart for 3 years
>have nothing in common. No hobbies. Also kinda bitchy. But she was my first everything so whatever.
>married for two years.
>have a kid 16mo(total time passed is 5years)
>miserable for the past 2 years
>meet new girl at work
>solid 8/10, shares hobbies, it's easy being with her. And I am HAPPY.
>few months pass and wife is accepted into nursing school.
>puts off all plans with "side hoe" for ~1.5-2years.
>"side hoe" who has made me happier than I have been in 6 years won't speak to me to cope.
>now I'm miserable again.
Joys of being 23...
>>16536446
Oh and feel free to ask me questions bout it I'll share whatever.
>>16536446
If you're not happy, leave, but never stop being a parent to your child. That should always be your #1 priority. It'll suck for the kid once it gets a bit older and realizes that there's no love between you and the mother.
>>16536000
I learned that if somebody is once a cheater, they're always gonna be a cheater
>>16536460
She is the main reason that I haven't left. And now that wife is in nursing school Ima get her through that so daughter will have a better life cause my wife will make twice what I make. (I'm an advanced emt saving lives on an ambulance for $11.50/hr)
well i kinda need some advice then after reading all these posts.
>father divorced mother but not because of cheating
>mother remarries abusive alcoholic and has 4 kids with him
>grew up as a squatter
>be me in highschool.
>chubby and no sense of fashion
>want to join the military after highschool
>meet cute gf
>we have a lot in common but she was bi polar
>treats her like how my mom should have been treated.
>go out with her for 3 years and we have sex after 2 and a half years because she says sex is special
>meets this guy from college 2nd senior year
>she starts to like him and end up getting keked
>starts to say "sex is just sex" and "it isnt a big deal"
>she starts comparing me and the other guy.
>he has a job, i didnt
>he has a car, i didnt etc
>end up leaving her because i didnt like being keked
> they have sex after a month and i get fat
>>16536555
>And now that wife is in nursing school Ima get her through that so daughter will have a better life cause my wife will make twice what I make.
You can still help out without actually being with her. If you're going to leave, it's best that you do it now, before the daughter realizes what's going on. She'll be used to the distance and it won't be so hard on her.
>>16536556
>bipolar
Not even once.
>>16536556
continue
>spend a year at a community college getting fat and getting bad grades
>college guy brags about "stealing" and fucking my ex
>gets even fatter. to 200 pounds
>says fuck it and joins the army
>goes to basic training and combat medic training school
>got fit
>got the job i always wanted
heres now
>going back to college again
>getting good grades
> want to become an officer
growing up with a fucked up step father and having been cheated on, i grew to become very bitter when it comes to anything. how do i stop being bitter
tl;dr had an abusive step dad. gf of 3 years cheated on me. got keked .now im bitter about life. wut do?
She's not yours, it's just your turn.
So, /adv/, I'm a guy in an LDR temporarily (a few months) and when it ends, we plan to get married. I am certain about this and we have lived together for a while before going LDR. However, for the past year or so I've realized that I have these rather unfounded trust issues. I think everything is a sudden red flag and get anxious about it, then find out it was basically nothing, and I think part of that is because of all the time I spent on places like 4chan listening to "all women cheat" even though I don't actually have any reason to believe that my wonderful fiancee, who I love, would do that. What do you think? Any advice for me?
>>16536579
>how do i stop being bitter
You were very unlucky in that you ended up dealing with two mentally ill people early in your life. You've overcome a lot and managed to pull yourself out of that hole. You've worked hard to better yourself and deserve a quality person. You also need to realize that not everyone is going to hurt you and the majority of people have their own baggage, just like you. Don't throw it on them.
>>16536598
>What do you think? Any advice for me?
I did the LDR thing for about 5 years before moving and getting married. I came to 4chan a lot during that time, and because of the rampant PUA garbage and cheating threads, it got me really down and I started to have second thoughts about my guy. But once we were together, I realized that a lot of the people on here are simply misguided. You'll be fine.
>>16536286
Women and men view sex extremely differently. That's why to some women, this kind of think might be acceptable. To a women, try to understand what it would be like if your man suddenly decided he wanted to take all the stuff he had given to you and start giving it away to this one other, particular woman, including all his money, his time, his things, but especially his money, but then he decided to have sex with you when he felt like it. Beyond that, he told you to get a better job, support yourself, stop asking him for shit. That's what it feels like for a man when a woman has sex with someone else.
>>16536000
I learned to see trips before I check em.
I also learned that there's nothing inherently wrong with breaking a social construct, people can be polgamous if so they wish to.
People can be honest with themselves and be admit to polygamy, before making promises they can't keep. Maybe in order to have a socially accepted image. Not every person feels jealous for being cheated.
People can value truth/honesty diferent that others.
Some people are too trusty and actually act surprised when people cheat on em, in which they were not expecing to be "cheated" on.
People have difficulty explaining their reasons for why they do what they do, or avoidance of it.
>>16536600
honestly i consider myself lucky to have dealt with a girl like that early on. imagine that happened during a marriage.
that being said, what happened did have an impact on me. i use to be kind and always want to help people because thats what i wanted when i was stuck at home with an abusive step father
now though, i could care less about people. i gained strength physically and mentally. but i lost so much of my humanity
also reading about MGTOW and SJW and neo feminist didnt help me either.
>>16536598
Those fears are common in an LDR. Some people even break up because they can't get the fears out of their head even though they know they're fake and unfounded. Don't entertain thoughts or put yourself in situations that spark those thoughts. Trust her. Love her.
Advice? Stay the fuck away from any threads or situations about PUA or cheating or anything about that. You'll drive yourself insane and you'll only have yourself to blame.
LDRs are hard, so hard. I wish you the best of luck.
>>16536446
You're 23? You're a fucking baby what the fuck is wrong with you. Get your shit together and stick with your wife and your kid.
You had a kid. I don't give a fuck about your happiness. You had a fucking kid. And you got married too. You have no life you stupid fuck. Give your life to your kid and that means staying faithful to your wife. If you can't do that, then fucking kill yourself and I sincerely mean that, not in the casual 4chan kind of way.
>>16536624
i want to be kind again. dont know how though. i can live my life like this but id prefer to be a good chap over a bitter ass hole.
wut do??
>>16536620
I realize that, but I also view things a bit differently because this is a very long relationship based on trust. I'm not quite sure what you're getting at.
>>16536634
>Give your life to your kid and that means staying faithful to your wife.
I don't agree with this. He shouldn't cheat, I agree, but he shouldn't chain himself to someone that he's not happy with. Kids catch on to these things pretty quickly and develop issues later on.
>>16536049
Wow you abandoned your kids as well..?
>>16536631
I was in an LDR before though. But the problem was that in that LDR, it was kind of just a childish relationship, even though we were 20 at the time, and I didn't take it seriously.
But this is completely different for me. This is marriage, after having lived together for a while, etc., the only problem is that I can't seem to get this idea out of my head that the girl could possibly, no matter small the odds, be doing something like that, just because I've seen it before.
I really appreciate it though. Thank you. I will follow your advice about staying away from the threads and situations like that because I can feel it making me very anxious. I do trust her and I do love her. Thank you.
I'm just waiting out the last few months before her K-1 visa is accepted and we can marry.
>>16536608
Wow. 5 years is a very long time and I can't even imagine how you pulled through it. I had exactly the same thoughts. Thank you.
>>16536634
Daughter has my life. But when this harpy I live with says that everything I have ever thought was fun, is stupid and a waste of time(i.e. Any hobbies from working on my truck to sharpening knives to video games etc) and I should be either working(more than the 115 hours every two weeks I already work) or spending time with her(wife) on my one day off a week. I was younger and stupider when I asked her to marry me. I got complacent thinking that things would get better. When she said "it's me or your best friend" i should have fucking known to run.
>>16536646
Hmm, I'm the person you're responding to, but I know that kids catch on to that. My father and mother hated each other and still do but stay together for my young siblings who still live with them. But growing up in the household with constant yelling and constant threats that they wanted to divorce which never came through was a nightmare because I was always on edge that it would actually happen, which as a kid terrified me. I remember being some edgy 14 year old and telling my parents something like I'd kill myself if they ever split up or something, I was a weird kid.
But even so, I really, strongly believe that when you have kids, that's it for you. Your life is now theirs and you should do absolutely everything for them. I really think that whatever you had planned in life, really needs to come second to your kid no matter what. And I am not referring to spoiling them or anything, just things like career ambitions or anything that didn't come through. As far as I'm concerned, when you have a kid your job is to raise your kid and make enough money to raise your kid and that's it.
>>16536678
>As far as I'm concerned, when you have a kid your job is to raise your kid and make enough money to raise your kid and that's it.
I don't disagree. But I think as long as you continue to put your child first, even above a new girlfriend/boyfriend, things will be fine. A good partner will know that when you have a kid, they come first no matter what. When my father left, he essentially abandoned me until it was too late--I no longer want anything to do with him. Had he actually stuck around and cultivated a healthy relationship, I'd probably put everything behind me and be on good terms with him and his wife. But him divorcing my mom was a good thing, regardless. He wasn't good to her, and they were miserable together, and being around all that fighting was a nightmare. I just wanted to run away. When they finally did divorce, I was incredibly happy.
On the other hand, my guy's parents stayed in a loveless, hollow marriage until he moved out. He was never comfortable at home, and as a result, became very disconnected with both parents. They don't know how to be a family because they never were.
>>16536049
>>16536049
What eventually convinced you to leave your wife and kid? Was there some moment you realized you just had to divorce your wife, or did the decision come gradually?
>>16536637
You've already taken the pill. It's too late. This generation is mostly fucked.
You want to find the ability to be kind? Take care of animals. Unconditional love. They don't care about how you look, what kind of past you had or anything.
I'm with a great girl now after being cheated on by my first. Didn't even give her a chance to try and make it right. As soon as I learned about it, I packed her stuff, dropped it at her parents place, changed the locks the same day and blocked her number. I really didn't have any fucking interest in what a cheater has to say.
I'm willing to try once more with this girl I'm with, but if by some strange twist I get cheated on, I'm done with trying. I'll scrape up my savings and just do a side job of rehabilitating animals to good homes with my vet friend. Won't have to worry about that shit and I can touch people's lives by bringing a pet into their hearts.
>>16536000
There's no such thing as a "guy friend"
>>16536598
>>16536608
>>16536631
Literally going through the same exact thing.
>>16536987
Best of luck man. I'm really hoping it all comes through.
>>16536096
Why do you regret it? You got to have sex with dozens of younger, more attractive nurse qt3.14s.
What's stopping you from divorcing wife #2 and going back to fucking lots of young, attractive nurses?
>>16537051
Can't say sex with younger nurses wasn't enjoyable, but it's definetly overrated and not worth giving up good life for. You're probably young and horny, not looking to settle down so there's no point in explaining. If you meet an exceptional woman(or a man, I don't know you) one day, maybe you'll realize. Don't expect you to understand.
>>16536912
It was gradual and I was hesitant about it. She actually had the last word, was 100% sure she wanted to get divorced because I broke one fundamental "rule" she had: being honest.
