So, my boyfriend and I have lived together for almost 2 years. Like most couples, we decided how to divide chores.
I cook, clean, pay most of the bills, and financially bring in 3x as much as he does.
He has one job: take out the trash.
Yet often when I ask him to he flies into a rage saying he doesn't have the time because of work. At the same time, I cook huge meals and keep the house spotless and I work as much as he does, in a much more complex job that involves a lot of 'homework'.
Today he finally took out the trash after the point where there were 3 full trashbags sitting in the kitchen and then he couldn't be bothered to replace the bag.
I ask nothing of him and it's still too much. What do I do?
>>17370193
Jesus Christ you two sound like my parents. I don't know if I should give advice as every time I try to tell my father or mother to change for each other, they don't bother to listen or just plain ignore me. You're not doomed to be like them though as you are in a somewhat new relationship as it's only been 2 years and whatnot and not everything is established yet. You still have hope but I suggest to surprise him at work with something nice,(if you can because some jobs are just not compatible with what I just said.) Get him in a real good mood by doing what makes him happy and proceed to start talking(in a subtle fashion) about why he gets so angry when he has to take out the trash. Ask if it's something at work that's troubling him so much or something along those lines. Do what I said, see what happens and post his reaction/explanation.
Bump
>>17370193
You're dating an asshole. If you don't want to put up with the things that an asshole commonly does, don't date an asshole anymore.
You're welcome.
>>17370234
I'm a professor and he works at a mega retail store. There's really not much that gets him stressed about work, only that he has to go to it. He will put it off and put it off and then when I ask him to take out the trash he flips out and says he has to get ready for work/is tired/wants to play games. It's just down 1 flight of stairs outside so I end up doing it more than half of the time.
He has no major responsibilities at work and if I took my lunch break to go see him, he'd probably just get annoyed.
I don't know what else to do about it.
Why dont you take out the trash. Mix it up.
Write a roster that is equally fair. One week you do trash next week he does.
Same for all chores.
Or are you one of those women who think mowing the lawn is a mans job but being in the kitchen is also a shared effort? Cause if you make bullshit excuses i can understand his rage
>>17370249
>I don't know what else to do about it.
You don't know what else you can do about the fact that you're living with and supporting an ungrateful asshole?
That's some seriously dumb shit. You must be a terrible professor.
>>17370248
He can really be very loving, it's just he gets so hung up about chores, yet at the same time will scream at me if I don't take my psych pills on his timeline.
>>17370258
We live in an apartment and the landlord mows the lawn. I cook exclusively and I cook extravagant meals (spent a year in culinary school). The only things he cooks for himself are ramen and sometimes hot dogs.
As for chores, as I said, I ended up taking out the trash half the time because it gets disgusting. I clean, cook, do the dishes, and do laundry. He only had one job because I don't like touching trash.
>>17370261
Like I said, he is very loving. He helped me through a very hard time in my life. Also, get great feedback by students. They seem to like me because I'm casually irreverent while also talking real shit about hard science.
Girl! Been there... Wait, i AM there.
You just have to have open communication and set rules and a framework. Find a way to make him work. If it comes down to it, end that relationshit
>>17370262
This cannot be serious
>>17370249
Oh my god he sounds like my father. Anyway, I'm the same guy you replied to. I honestly think he doesn't care/appreciate you enough to even do one simple fucking task so I'm just going to say that this is obviously an unhealthy relationship. I'm not a therapist or anything but I will say I am a pro when it comes to situations exactly like this as I've grown up with parents the exact same way so do listen to what I say.
He's
An
Asshole
I'm just saying this because he won't change. Even when you think there is a little glimmer of hope and think that you even slightly "changed" him. He hasn't. He never will because he doesn't understand the things you do on a day to day basis and sounds like he's never worked a day in his life. You're a professor for Christ's sake and he's a retailer. He doesn't seem to have any ambition other than fucking you, playing vidya and sitting around doing jack shit. Wake up because my father is the same way and mother is just like you. Work your ass of and for what? To come home to a boyfriend to lazy to even move his legs in a walking motion to throw away trash. I'm not saying leave him as I don't know the situation well enough. But consider it and consider how much he really cares about you.
>>17370275
Whatever. My car helped me get through a hard time in my life too but then the fucking thing broke down and I got rid of it.
You're in terrible denial and will continue to suffer so long as you make justifications for why its ok for your boyfriend to treat you like shit so long as he does something cool later on.
Good luck, dumdum.
>>17370282
>>17370285
You're probably right, but it's hard for me to just see him as a dick.
Right after we started dating, so 4 years ago now, I was institutionalized for several months after a very serious suicide attempt, and finally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder after a 6-year long and arduous process of psychs just giving me an anti-depressant and telling me to GTFO of their offices.
I had to take a sabbatical from my studies and was terrified I would get kicked out of my PhD program. He called every day and came to visit every day he had off (200mi) to visit me. I don't think most people would do that for a girl they just started dating.
>>17370193
Your botfriend is an asshole.
>>17370193
Here's what you do - you quit your job, and allow him to be the breadwinner of the relationship, because that is the source of a man's pride.
If you don't do that then you deserve to be treated like the skank feminist whore that you are.
>>17370262
Just take out the trash. It's easier than fighting desu senpai.
btw what do you do for work? just curious senpai
>>17370316
A large state university as a prof and researcher in the social sciences. Emphasis on the science part. I'm a hard post-positive researcher. Also, I do end up taking it out most of the time.
>>17370314
He makes around 18k a year. I make around 70k after taxes. He could not afford out apartment alone.
>>17370305
I get it, he was once a life preserver for you and now you have a hard time kicking him to the curb because you feel like you owe him.
To a certain extent I can understand extended to him extra consideration based on your past with him but as it stands you are dating a man who doesn't appreciate you, treats you like shit and takes you for granted.
Also, as it stands, you are emotionally incapable of standing up for yourself and demanding any change from him because you're terrified of being alone.
Guys like this are all over the place. He's a manipulator, a user. He finds broken girls, saves them from their predicaments and then treats them any way he wants and leeches from them financially and emotionally because he knows that they're so damaged and grateful they'll never leave him.
He puts in just as much loving and tenderness as he needs to keep you satisfied and does something sweet here and there to make up for his behavior. The only difference between you and a battered housewife who says "He didn't mean it he really loves me" is he's abusing you emotionally, not physically.
He's not a good guy who occasionally does bad things. He's a bad guy who occasionally does good things to make sure you, his gravy train, sticks around and supports him.
>>17370305
Well that happens to a lot of people. I should stop using my parents as examples because its getting old but yeah whatever my mom said that my dad was a great man when I was younger but just got more distant and just slowly turned to more and more of an asshole. I don't know if my dad, your boyfriend or people like them in general just hide the way they truly are until a few years down the road OR were always like that but others couldn't see it because they were the only, somewhat, helpful people in their life at the time. Either way, you should leave him because in the end he's just an asshole and you need to get the fuck out of there before you lose your mind again and sadly to someone who you thought cared about you. Sorry.
>>17370318
What does he do for a job that he's only pulling 18k a year?
>>17370318
>He makes around 18k a year. I make around 70k after taxes. He could not afford out apartment alone.
You should still do it.
Look at what """gender equality""" has done for both of you. He is depressed and hates himself because he wants (or really, NEEDS) to be the man of the house. You are run ragged because you have to do a full-time job as well as the feminine role of housekeeping.
Christ, liberalism makes my fucking blood boil.
>>17370323
Shut up you idiot. She shouldn't break up with a guy who stuck by her through the thick of it because he won't take out the trash. All of your shit is opinon based anyway and you're spouting it off as fact while knowing a very little (biased) part of the story. KYS
>>17370323
You just described my sister's relationship with her cunt of a gangster husband. And I don't mean "oh he cool, he gangstar ass nigga" in the sense of a compliment. I literally mean he's a gangstar. Piece of shit beats her too but she doesn't listen to what the rest of the family says about him. I have a bad family in general wow. I'm the same faggot who replies to OP about my parents by the way.
OP and her boyfriend are the mascots of failed marriages that get into the 'stick to it for the kids' scene, pre-kids.
>Yet often when I ask him to he flies into a rage saying he doesn't have the time because of work. At the same time, I cook huge meals and keep the house spotless and I work as much as he does, in a much more complex job that involves a lot of 'homework'.
>I ask nothing of him and it's still too much.
>>17370249
>There's really not much that gets him stressed about work
>He has no major responsibilities at work
That doesn't sound very sympathetic of you. Yes, you do a lot and maybe he doesn't do all that he should, but you don't sound very appreciative and he sounds very much like he's missing that appreciation. You're taking on more than you should, and you're resenting him for not doing what you assign him. Work together to talk about this shit, and work together to find a combination of chores that works for him. Also work at helping him relax and recharge, because it sounds like a large portion of your conversations are you nagging him and that he is already running on empty.
You're trying to get blood from a stone, and after it's already been bled dry previously.
>>17370326
Full time retail only pulls in that much after taxes.
>>17370324
That makes me sad, but I do appreciate the comparison and will take it to heart.
>>17370323
The thing is he's not like some kind of playboy. I'm his second girlfriend ever. He was/is a /v/irgin type of guy. Maybe that doesn't exclude him from being manipulative though.
I've dated so many dicks and I thought this guy was the right one.
>>17370363
The solution is quite clear - give him his fucking balls back.
That's why he won't ever take the trash out, because you are holding his fucking balls, you are choking his fucking balls. Every fibre of his being is telling him not to take that fucking trash out because his balls are fucking important to him (in fact they are literally the only important thing to a man)
>>17370356
I 'nag' him to take out the trash maybe once every other day. When he comes home (as he gets off much later than I do) I usually give him foot rubs and we either watch a show together or play a game together - currently playing Dark Alliance, which I had never played despite being a Baldur's Gate fan. Also, if he doesn't take it out after a day or two I just do it anyway.
I know his job can be physically taxing because he had to carry boxes off of the truck, but at the same time, he's not a manager and he often talks about being bored at work. I mean, I've had jobs that bored me. Being a prof is not one, but I understand. At the same time I can't understand how you can tell me about how work is so boring and then tell me you're too stressed out to walk a flight of steps to carry out the trash the next day.
>>17370262
>He can really be very loving,
When people are in unhappy (and even abusive) relationships, there are always going to be happy, loving moments. Why do people like you seem to think that bad relationships have bad moments 100% of the time? It doesn't matter what his potential is if he isn't living up to it on a regular basis. He's an ungrateful asshole dissatisfied with life and he's not going to change. You can either get over it and do 100% of the chores/cooking, or you can find someone that appreciates you. Your move.
>>17370379
Firstly, this advice made absolutely no sense.
>>17370363
>Maybe that doesn't exclude him from being manipulative though.
Secondly, you've spent this entire thread coming up with reasons why his behavior is ok, or why he isn't the manipulative asshole his behavior has proven him to be.
You obviously aren't ready to accept the reality of the situation. I get it, its ok. You aren't ready to be real with him and real with yourself and I wish you the best of luck but its obvious that you're not here for objective advice, you just want to hear the things you want to hear and continue on pretending like this abusive leech you're dating has a heart of gold hiding somewhere.
Good luck, anon, truly. I hope that someday you snap out of it and start being honest with yourself.
>>17370379
Wait, and how, exactly, would I go about giving his balls back besides quitting my job that took me 12 grueling years to earn?
>>17370385
A boring job is a stressful job. It's emotionally unfulfilling.
>I 'nag' him
Exactly, you nag him. That needs to stop. It's a communication style that adds more stress without fixing anything. It makes him feel further underappreciated and unmotivated. Be sympathetic, kind, and loving. Always. Even in the ways you ask him to do something for you. You've never heard the adage you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar? Forget what he does or doesn't do. Find out how he FEELS by asking him directly and treat him accordingly.
>>17370406
I do appreciated it and I know that I'm probably coming off as unwilling to consider the alternatives, but I am. It's just hard when you've been with someone for so long.
This thread has been really enlightening for me and made me think pretty seriously about what's going on in my life. I'm going to have a long conversation with him when he gets home and if he really is the asshole you all are guessing he is (and I admit the possibility), then I will have to accept the fact that he's not the good element in my life I thought he was.
>>17370412
That advice made no sense. Stop thinking about it, it'll just make your head hurt.
>>17370406
You're advocating OP break up with her bf because he won't take out the trash?
>>17370418
We came up with a list of responsibilities 2 years ago. His was:
Take out the trash
Because I really, really cannot stand touching trash as I'm a bit of a germophobe. Doing the dishes is hard enough for me and I am a bit obsessive in wanting to clean them immediately, but I clean them.
I don't scream at him in a shrill voice every five minutes; I say "Hey anon, could you take out the trash if you have time".
Maybe once a day. I'm not embellishing; that's how I phrase it.
>>17370427
I wasn't trying too hard
>>17370427
>You're advocating OP break up with her bf because he won't take out the trash?
I'm advocating that she take a look at the pattern of behavior that she has laid fourth in the thread here.
If they were married or had children it wouldn't be so simple.
She's an emotionally damaged girl with a lazy, entitled man living off of her money and making her feel like shit for asking him to pull his weight. Its much more than just refusing to take out the trash and boiling it down to "beak up because trash?" means that you're either stupid or you haven't bothered to read the thread before posting.
Behavior is a pattern, not an isolated incident. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you would not tolerate being with some uninspired, minimum wage loser you completely supported who sat on your couch playing video games, watched you make dinner and clean the house and then screamed at you when you asked them to do something.
>>17370447
I am telling you you need to reevaluate that list with him. Not for him.
>I don't scream at him in a shrill voice every five minutes; I say "Hey anon, could you take out the trash if you have time". Maybe once a day. I'm not embellishing; that's how I phrase it.
And I am telling you that is damaging. It's your choice to not employ what I'm suggesting. You want to go right to what these other Anons are saying and look at him as some awful person? He's flawed, like you are. He could take out the trash but he has his own issues that impede that. And you're also undermining him and your relationship by acting the role of a parent instead of the role of a lover. You two are equals. Treat him like one.
He's not blameless in this, but neither are you.
>>17370406
>Firstly, this advice made absolutely no sense.
It actually makes every bit of sense. I'm guessing you're some kind of fucking liberal though so it's not surprising you can't understand true information.
>>17370412
No, quitting IS the way you do it.
>>17370427
t. Cuck.
>>17370447
>I wasn't trying too hard
And that's why your boyfriend fucking hates you, good luck with that shit.
>>17370448
>lazy
>entitled
t. Cuck
>>17370448
You're dramatizing the situation to strengthen your nutless argument. It's not as if he doesn't do anything but play video games all day, seeing as he works a full-time job. It's not as if he doesn't care about her, seeing as he stood by her when she was at the brink of death and ensures she takes her meds. She may do a lot for him, but that doesn't mean she has the right to nag at him, and that certaintly doesn't mean he can't defend himself. You make him out to be this big bad monster that's sponging off her life because he won't take out the trash, and it's just not true.
>>17370466
>You and your gf rent an apartment
>She pays for most, if not almost all of it
>You do not have the money to pay for this apartment alone
>All of a sudden, she quits her job to become a NEET
What would your reaction be?
Think about it seriously. I doubt you would be embracing her and thanking her for compromising your financial situation and putting you in a position for potential homelessness.
>>17370457
Just hug him and kiss him on the cheek while whispering in his ear, "take out the fucking trash"
He may be loving, but do you really want to date someone who will fly off the handle for being asked to do a simple task? Your doing to well to be putting up with that shit OP, find a guy that is loving AND not a lazy ass. It kills me to see stuff like this
>>17370488
Why are you here? Everybody on this board is a literal RL retard. Come up with your own goddamn solution, you're a SOCIAL SCIENTIST for christ sake.
>>17370466
>/r9k/ the post
>>17370483
How am I nagging him? I've explained how I ask him and even that he screams at me and sometimes throws shit around in a fit. I don't think he's a monster - I love him. But he has this huge hang-up about doing things .
I had to beg him to get a job in the first place. The first year we lived together he lived completely off of my dime and then I had to have a massive surgery and could not support him for a few months, nor pay the bills, and that's when he found work.
>>17370457
I still don't understand how I am to blame by casually asking him to fulfill the single thing I've ever asked him to do domestically.
>>17370488
>She pays
That's the problem. Those two words. You want to be in a relationship with a heterosexual man? Then the man has to pay.
If he's going to be made homeless that's his problem. If he deals with it he is a man. If he doesn't then go and find someone who is a man.
>How am I nagging him? I've explained how I ask him and even that he screams at me and sometimes throws shit around in a fit.
BECAUSE YOU'RE GRABBING HIS FUCKING BALLS IN A VICE LIKE GRIP
DO YOU UNDERSTAND FUCKING NOTHING
>>17370501
Because I'm not very good at self-reflection. I am very good at coming up for concepts for the purpose of research but terrible at applying 12 years of schooling to my own personal life.
It's sad, but I know it's not that uncommon. We are notoriously bad at applying our own theories to our own lives.
Also, I'm not a psychologist. Almost all of my work involves statistics. Numbers are comforting to me and unfortunately the real world isn't numbers, as much as I like to apply them to it.
>>17370510
Talk to him about it. Get couple's counselling. You're not going to get it on your own or from 4chan. Both of you are to blame and the solution has to come from you both and the way you communicate. Relationship counselling exists to teach exactly that.
>>17370518
What exactly does "grabbing his balls" mean? it's not her job to make him feel better about about making less?
Please don't listen to this NEET fuck OP, he just wants to peddle his /r9k/ narrative at you.
>>17370528
What that Anon is saying, in a more extreme way, is what I'm saying. He's saying she's taking away his ability to take pride in anything. He believes that can only come from being the primary/sole breadwinner. Obviously that part isn't true, but she's taking away even small sources of pride and satisfaction in taking every chore upon herself AND delineating tasks AND overseeing them. What she's doing is definitely damaging to his self-esteem.
>>17370528
Please don't listen to this cuck OP, he just wants to peddle his ball-less narrative at you.
Chances are he pegs himself up the ass.
>>17370523
This is a really good idea and I thank you.
Before I terminate anything I'd like to try working it out.
I have a fantastic EMDR therapist and although she may not deal with this kind of issue, I get the feeling she would be open to working with us in tandem.
I just hope she won't charge me much more!
>>17370541
>He believes that can only come from being the primary/sole breadwinner. Obviously that part isn't true
So then why was it considered, for THOUSANDS of years, utterly shameful beyond reproach for a man to not be the breadwinner for his family? This was the case even up until twenty years ago - and indeed, it's STILL the case in basically ALL but degenerate, materialistic Western culture (look at Islam, look at south Asia, all the cultures place the MAN at the head of the household)
>>17370541
Oh god, I have forgotten the theory of reciprocity. This is what happens when you spent 5 years studying your own area and forgetting the whole. You are completely right. I have made his dissatisfied by created an unequal relationship wherein I do almost all of the work. Although this was done in an attempt to appease him, it, of course, had the opposite affect.
I learned about this my second year in undergrad. I'm a FUCKING moron.
>>17370549
>couples counselling
A woman's idea. Expect him to dump your ass for being tired of your bullshit, or if he does stay with you he will be a truly cucked beta male who probably won't even be able to sire kids you from lack of virility.
Next you're going to tell me you don't want kids. Well then fuck up your life in any way you want since it won't matter anyway, since your genes will perish with you.
>>17370329
Stop being a lazy piece of shit and take out the fucking trash you overgrown baby
>>17370567
I am infertile from an incredibly painful disease that causes me constant pain and forced me to have my uterus and ovaries removed. Also, I want to adopt kids, you abject faggot. kys for saying shit like that
>>17370570
Haha, cuck.
>>17370566
I hope this is satire, otherwise you are literally admitting the truth of everything I've been saying, you just wouldn't admit it until someone else had agreed with me
>>17370575
If you were the guy telling me to quit my job, then no, I'm not agreeing with you. Theory of reciprocity states that relationships require balance though and I could see how our relationship was imbalanced by me doing all of the house work in addition to paying all of the bills. I should be giving him more tasks to do around the house; as the theory would posit because out relationship is currently imbalanced in my favor.
Any imbalance would cause discontent, be it positively or negative skewed.
>>17370572
Okay I'm done here because clearly you should kill yourself. As I said your life is meaningless if you can't reproduce. Good day.
Maybe see if you can get some of your eggs and a man's sperm into a surrogate mother. At least then you can have a child.
Otherwise, as I say, no point really.
>>17370549
Keep in mind couple's counselling is very different than regular therapy. A therapist is invested in the individual. A couple's counselor is invested in the couple. If it's unhealthy for you the therapist might encourage you to leave, whereas the relationship counselor will encourage you to stick it out and work on communication and other things jointly until it is no longer unhealthy.
>>17370588
>I should be giving him more tasks to do around the house
I still say you're looking at it wrong.
>I should be giving him
>giving him
No you should not. You should be working on it together, giving him the tasks STILL takes away agency from him.
>>17370541
that, I can agree with. It may not necessarily be a rational reaction, but emotions rarely are. something OP needs to think about, could be why he's lashing out. Also thanks for not actually taking the time to explain, and not using ad hominem attacks instead.
>>17370541
my bad i mean actually* taking the time to explain
>>17370605
You're right, I'm still looking at this incorrectly. Perhaps my therapist, who is a specialist in my shit, can provide a reference to a qualified couples therapist because I'm clearly shitty at respecting and recognizing his agency.
This thread has been really enlightening for 4chan, besides the one MRA-poster. I'm happy.
>>17370575
Haha, single faggot. Time to be a big boy and throw out your own trash
>>17370617
Good luck. And be careful of how you bring this up with him, don't make it about taking out the garbage, make it about what the real issue is, and make it clear you take ownership in causing at least some of the issue.
>>17370448
>a lazy, entitled man living off of her money and making her feel like shit for asking him to pull his weight
he acts like a child, another manboy wanting a mommie to wipe his ass for him
OP why in hell did you stay with this kid and more so put a roof over his head and food on the table. My husband works and we both do the chores. I do the cooking because I love it but he sets the table and cleans up after. We are both very busy and if something needs done the first there does the chore.
>>17370632
Thanks, and I think I've got it (kinda) at this point. Sincerely, thanks to just talking to people here - that this comes down to an inequality in our relationship and how I treat him given his current somewhat subservient status. We need to equalize our relationship so that we both are 50/50 partners and both happy with the roles we play.
I'm actually very excited about this and excited to talk to my therapist about it. She is the best and I'm sure she will give me a recommendation.
