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Anonymous
How to claw my way out of a descent into despair...
2016-07-13 04:03:03 Post No. 17351823
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How to claw my way out of a descent into despair...
Anonymous
2016-07-13 04:03:03
Post No. 17351823
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...that is rapidly turning into dull sorrow and apathy? I don't feel like I've had even a year of smooth sailing in my life since I was a kid.
I was abused by a stepsibling, bullied all through school, watched a grandparent die over a year in hospital and had to be the 'man' at 12, and my mother was chronically ill and still is to this day requiring as much physical care as emotional support. If this wasn't enough, I had an accident that has fucked my own health to the point I can't work but still seem more or less okay to the casual observer, which means it's a constant fight to correct assumptions that I'm a feckless NEET.
Thing is, just as things started to improve, they took a turn for the worse. Over the last decade; My remaining grandparent I'm in contact with has had two brain tumors, one removed, one irradiated into remission (or the equivalent) while still existing and requiring observation. My mother grew worse, becoming bedridden, and only recently has been able to even sit up for any length of time, and developed major separation anxiety from her family after a year of literal screaming panic attacks daily before her meds were sorted. This was all capped by, around Xmas time, everyone catching fucking swine flu of all things and me (being sick myself) having to tough it out while they were in hospital, taking care of bills, my sibling, and visiting.
Just as things start to calm down... my dad has a major heart attack, with risk of more, and refuses to curb his drinking and goes straight back to a stressful job, AND my stepfather who has had a smokers cough for around a year is being called in for blood tests and a chest scan, and my own health is dipping after a couple of years raise likely due to stress.
I'm utterly exhausted. And I feel despair and worry, but what scares me is how I'm starting to operate as 'standard'. I'm constantly waiting for 'what comes next' and yet, also find myself strangely numb to much of it, and feel guilty.
