TL;DR I thought my girlfriend had signs of an STI (little white dots on labia) and I "questioned" her about it and now she says I make her feel insecure and won't have sex
So we've been dating altogether about a month and a half. A week or two ago I noticed something that looked like a cold sore (it wasn't on closer inspection) and asked about it. It really upset her for a bit and apparently she wanted to cry.
Fast forward to two days ago, I was going down on her and saw some little white dots on her labia. I stared at it for a few seconds, prompting her to ask what. I realized that they probably weren't herpes sores so I didn't say anything. Just to be sure I went to fingering instead then went to the bathroom. She asked me to come cuddle after she got too sensitive. She started asking me what was wrong earlier. I told her nothing because I didn't want to upset her again.
After a minute, she kept asking me what was wrong and started to tear up. So I kept asking her what the deal was, she kept saying "I don't know", and she finally said "you won't tell me what was wrong." So I said "I thought I saw something, it was probably nothing".
She started crying and called me an asshole. She said there's "only so much shit she can take". I asked today if things were okay because she hasn't wanted to meet with me and she said she doesn't want to feel that way again so we're no longer having sex. She said she felt insecure and she doesn't like how it made her feel.
I kept asking why and trying to explain myself but she says she's not blaming me and doesn't think I'm a bad guy. She also said she didn't think I'd question her that way again after I upset her so much the first time.
What do you think it is? She says she's been tested and I do actually believe her. She's really conscious about staying safe but we've had sex unprotected once and we've both performed oral on each other multiple times.
Also did I even do anything wrong?
You were too soft on her, you should have accused her directly.
>>17351358
fucking retard lol. those white dots are completely normal. good job making your gf feel like shit and ruining your sex life
>>17351358
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fordyce_spots
>>17351358
I hope your gf dumps you
Sounds like she's oversensitive, or that youre being too brash with your words. Tbh OP try to sit down and talk with her. Let her know that it wasnt your intention to make her feel upset and that you were just concerned about both of your healths. Hopefully she's able to see from your perspective, and you guys can patch things up. From now on, try to approach the topic more carefully. Also google is your friend.
>>17351366
It was nothing
>>17351371
I didn't want to tell her but she pressured me into it
>>17351375
I really misframed this because of the character limit. I don't want to know what they are, I looked into it more closely later. I hadn't noticed them before. I want to know what I can do to fix things.
>>17351381
I don't wanna get dumped because I stopped moving for two seconds and got interrogated about why. I literally said that nothing was wrong. I said to her "I thought I saw something for a second, but it was nothing" after she started crying.
>>17351385
I've tried to. She doesn't blame me, she said I don't need to defend myself, she just doesn't want to have sex anymore because it made her feel a certain way.
>>17351358
>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fordyce_spots
This.
You basically kept picking at her and making her insecure over absolutely nothing, making her feel like she's disgusting and chipping away at her confidence and her comfort in what is one of the most exposed and imitate acts two people can share.
She dropped her guard and let herself be vulnerable around you, and instead of positively reinforcing/rewarding the trust, you jabbed and wounded her sense of security, and then kept doing it.
Kind of not how you want to start a relationship.
Overall, it sounds like she's emotionally fragile, and you're emotionally clueless.
>>17351392
>I don't wanna get dumped because I stopped moving for two seconds and got interrogated about why.
Try seeing things from her perspective instead of twisting blame around. You questioned (possibly accused) her of having an STD. Yes you should be safe, but there's not a way to bring that up and not make someone feel shit if you're already having sex and they're clean. She felt insecure over it, and you've likely not done much to reassure her over it afterwords given the kind of stuff you're saying here. You don't seem to be able to empathize with her well.
The other day you stopped and stared in the midst of oral sex in a very obvious way that she picked up on. When asking about it you lied in a very obvious way she still picked up on. She's already insecure plus people are always insecure about their genitals, so you stopping and staring and you lying about staring, and your previous questions have all probably made her wildly insecure at this point. "Nothing" doesn't cut it, she needs you to be there for her and she needs reassurance.
>She said she felt insecure and she doesn't like how it made her feel.
>I kept asking why
You don't understand why she felt insecure or how that hurt?
>and trying to explain myself
Stop trying to defend yourself because that's not what needs fixing, start comforting and reassuring her.
>>17351392
Try seeing if it made her relive some traumatic experience? Not necessarily rape, but a time that made her feel similar to how she does now. Talking through it may help. Regardless, give her time and space and let her know you still appreciate her
>>17351419
But I'm an emotional fucking idiot.
I really don't want her to feel uncomfortable with me because I know she's dealt with a lot of bullshit in the past and I care about her and want to see her happy. Help me comfort and reassure her.
>>17351381
This ...
>>17351402
>Overall, it sounds like she's emotionally fragile, and you're emotionally clueless.
and that ..
We'll see you in a few weeks, OP, questioning why she won't return your texts. Until next time!
>>17351446
Don't defend yourself to her, what you did was hurtful even if it wasn't necessarily wrong per se. She's communicating to you how she feels and how hurt she is by your actions and in doing so looking for you to make amends for it and make her feel loved and appreciated. Instead you're defending yourself and your actions like that's relevant and you're shutting down her feelings.
Let her do a lot of the talking and listen to her, hold her if she's comfortable with it. Nod sympathetically where appropriate and apologize, reassure her, empathize with her, etc. And for fuck's sake if you're going to bring up her sexual health again try to have a good reason.
http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/activel.htm
http://www.counsellingtrainingliverpool.org.uk/blog/exploring-the-five-levels-of-empathy
>>17351476
I didn't even think about this when I was talking to her but the first couple times we had sex I was having a lot of trouble staying hard and she was so supportive about it.
Ugh, I do some dumb shit sometimes...
>>17351358
Lol you utter nonce
Op.
Youre an asshole.
>>17351358
You're with a real Debbie Downer.
You're an asshole but whatever, she's too dense and childish to communicate that she has a relatively common, harmless and non transmissible skin disorder. Shit, I have those on my dick. Big fucking deal. Waaa my fucking feels.
Dump it. Get a new one. She'll grow up one day but I don't expect you want to wait.
Well she declined talking about it the day before I leave for my trip. I'm seriously over the moon about this shit. I did literally fucking nothing wrong and I'm being treated like a bad guy.
Why did I even bother with this shit?
>>17351358
>She says she's been tested and I do actually believe her.
Have you seen the test results? "I've been tested" doesn't actually tell you anything, it doesn't even tell you whether or not she has anything
>She's really conscious about staying safe but we've had sex unprotected once and we've both performed oral on each other multiple times.
Then you could have contracted whatever she has. STDs can be contracted orally
>Also did I even do anything wrong?
Refusing to tell her what's wrong and a general lack of communication is a bit of an issue, but you did tell her after so I think you're in the clear
huh..
>>17351512
>>17352094
A bit contradictory there
