I really need to vent and couldn't think of any other place where I'd feel comfortable sharing my thoughts, so here I am. I know this board is already full of this shit, but fuck it. This may get long. You don't have to read this or give advice, it doesn't matter. It just want this off my chest.
I just don't know what to do with this life. I feel lost, I don't know what I want, I don't even know myself. I'm confused. Nothing makes sense and I can't seem to find a path to follow, so I just stay where I am, doing nothing in particular.
I also feel completely alone. I haven't had friends in years and I don't know how to be a friend or how to even talk with people anymore, beyond some small talk. I'm in my mid 20s now. I can't help but feel that nobody gives a fuck about me, or if they act like they care, it's not genuine. Of course they don't care, because I can't open up nor establish any kind of close bond with anybody. Well, maybe my parents and sister care. That and my fear of death are the main reason I don't just go jump off a bridge.
I feel boring, stupid and ugly most of the time. I try my best to look pretty and sometimes I look in the mirror and feel kinda cute or hot. Then in the next moment I look again and feel terribly ugly. I hate my nose, my eyes, my whole face, my body. I spend way too much time in front of the mirror, it's becoming like some obessive compulsion. I have just found someone I really honestly like and want to know better. I'd tell him I like him, but feeling ugly, boring and dumb all the time makes me feel absolutely worthless. Like I didn't deserve him and he couldn't possibly like me back. I get this desperate desire to connect, that I never had before, and it's made my life worse than ever.
>>17344076
continued
Yeah I guess I'm depressed, have serious self esteem problems and whatnot. I haven't told any of this to anybody, because I'm scared. I don't even know what I'm scared of... maybe the possibility that after I spill my heart out to someone, they just don't fucking care. That maybe they just pretend, but don't actually care, and that's the worst and loneliest feeling ever.
>>17344076
If your life is a shot already and you have nothing to lose just give it a try. Don't jump to the guy, just try to be more friendly and flirt a bit. You can do it anon!
>>17344076
I'm in the same boat man, I can relate to pretty much everything you just wrote. I know it's hard to find the motivation but try to work on yourself. Fix yourself small goals, exercise, eat healthy, read, maybe pick a hobby. It looks shitty now but with time it'll get better, you just need to rewire your brain and take baby steps.
>>17344076
Create a routine anon, and include plans that make you interact with other people
>>17344146
This, I know it sounds silly but try to hit up strangers, ask them little things like what time it is or if you go for a restaurant ask for a recommendation and after a while it won't be a big deal.
>>17344092
I try, but can't stop holding myself back because of the reasons mentioned above. Also, I fear that my various issues are off putting. I can get really aloof, because I don't have the energy to face things. I think should get my shit together first, at least a little bit.
>>17344122
>>17344146
Been doing these, but following routines seems almost impossible, no matter how simple I make them. I try all kinds of things and then drop them soon after. Then weeks later I get some motivation boost and might start again. It's hard to make progress without consistency.
I bought a small diary today, where I'm going to list daily all the things I achieved that day. This way I'm able to see what I've done and might be encouraged to do more. Making schedules and to-do lists in advance haven't been any help, but maybe THIS approach might work.
>>17344222
Godspeed anon, I wish you the best.
>>17344160
Idk, little things like that are easy to me, but having meaningful conversations, opening up about myself, creating emotional bonds with people and making actual friends is the confusing part.
Listen man, I'm pretty much like you. Also in my mid 20s and completely lost in life. The difference is that I have some previous good experiences and mine is a temporary problem right now. I'm sure I will fix it, and you can too.
You need a purpose. BUT don't focus on it. You need to have a purpose that trascends your own explanations. I mean, most of the problem derivates from this whole questioning we have about reality. We don't know the answers so we frustate and get depressed.
Ironically, you just had a good moment writing all this, and it was because you just've gone "fuck it, I'm doing it" mode. No questions, just satisfying the need you had. That's it, you didn't have a REASON for doing so. You, just, did. Fuck the rest.
I'm not saying to stop questioning things, because I enjoy doing it too. Keep doing it, it's good for you, it's a powerful weapon. But, keep in mind this: Everytime you need a REASON for doing/not doing/be/not be, you're throwing away the opposite REASON. So, when it happens, it just happens.
Do not accommodate the circumstances to yourself, adapt yourself to them. Accept life as it is. Do not call a life bad or good, it is what it is, but that doesn't give you the privilege to determine such atributes. Do not compare to others, everything is different when we see the same and it is identical when we se differences.
And just fucking do it, ffs.
>>17344237
thanks
