Ladies, I propose to you a hypothetical situation.
You've been dating your boyfriend for a few months, and things are going well. He has his shit together, he treats you well, he's a nice guy, and you really love him.
However, he is not the slightest bit affectionate or romantic, and he's actually somewhat cold, rarely tells you he loves you, etc
>For the sake of this example, assume you like affection and romance
He's explained to you that he's just not a romantic or affectionate guy, and you've come to accept that because he has so many good qualities and is otherwise a great guy in every respect.
One day, you accidentally discover some love letters he wrote to a couple of his exes. They're romantic and passionate, nothing like the man you know. They are everything you wished he were with you, but never has been.
How do you handle this?
Accept that maybe he got cheated on in the past or for some reason changed because overall those experiences led to negative endings
As an example i put my ex on a pedestal, was extremely attentive and loving with her, ended up getting cheated on. I will never make that mistake again
>>17339382
How would you say accepting, or attempting to accept, this fact would affect the relationship?
>>17339377
I was much more romantic when I was younger.
Hormones balance out. Men become less affectionate. It happens.
>>17339412
What if it was relatively recent? His last two girlfriends before you.
>>17339414
it would make sense to me why he is cold now; since, you know, he is not with them after being all romantic? seems like the guy got scarred inside. if she really loves him, he will eventually open later up.
>>17339377
I went through these feels with my current bf in the beginning. He hadn't dated anyone since his high school sweetheart broke up.
For quite a while, I felt insecure about it. Wondering why he didn't treat me like he did her and shit. We'd actually talk about it occasionally, and eventually he opened up to me about the pure heartbreak he had in that relationship. I shared mine too. It really reached a whole new level of real in our relationship after that point.
Eventually I realized we had something less romantic and crazy, but way closer on another level.
Had to self evaluate too, because I had a high school sweetheart who broke my heart. Yet we did everything under the sun together, didn't work, didn't worry. And I didn't date for years after him either. I wasn't the same person with ex as I am with current bf, I shouldn't expect bf to be either.
>What if it was relatively recent? His last two girlfriends before you.
Dealbreaker. I'd talk about it, but the way it's presenting right now, I am being punished for someone else's actions and I would not stand for that. He better have a really good reason because otherwise, I couldn't look at him the same way again.
first off, i wouldn't get involved with a guy that is less vocal and hands on with his affection tahn i am since that will only lead to resentment and problems in the long run.
secondly, if someone keeps letters from/to his exes, that's a huge red falg for me since he clearly isn't over that episode of his life. would drop. not because he was more affectionated. that goes down with age and with getting hurt. it's normal. just because i don't need a guy that's still not over his ex. being bitter towards her and holding on to stuff like letters from/to her is a clear sign. no thank you.
>>17339430
How long would you give it?
>>17339435
How did you come to grips with it?
>>17339439
What would count as a good reason?
>>17339444
Let's say the letters were digital; they were old emails (his account looks like he's never deleted an email in his life), links that came up on an address bar while using his computer, or something to that effect.
>>17339377
I would need to understand why he does so.
Anyway, since I am an insecure person, at first I would feel like I'm not worth his affection.
>>17339458
>his account looks like he's never deleted an email in his life
that might be ok. but even then, it's not hard, filter by adress and delete all. done. it's better to clean your life from an ex completely
>>17339458
>What would count as a good reason?
Under these conditions:
1. It's early in the relationship so it's still "like" and not "love" yet
2. He has a good explanation for withdrawing intimacy. A "good reason" is up to your discretion, it just has to be /reason/able.
3. (This is paramount) And he is working on being more intimate with you.
>>17339470
What would you expect him to do with the music he wrote them? Delete that too?
>>17339479
Sounds like he'd be pretty fucked with you.
>>17339481
>Music
Depends. Is he an actual musician? Is it just another of many pieces he wrote? If not, yes it should get deleted too.
>I propose to you a hypothetical situation.
I would propose that you quit being a cliche faggot and just ask the question you need to ask and quit pretending this a super unique situation that deserves it own thread
>>17339481
Plenty more fish in the sea. If he's not going to fix the intimacy problem, you're never going to get your needs met and you'll never feel too special in his life.
I may seem like I have high expectations, but I don't demand more than what I can offer.
>>17339444
I still have all the notes and letters that I got from high school ( before cell phones were big ) and always considered it as just part of my life. I never had a problem with girlfriends reading them and they usually enjoyed them and bugged to read as many as I had. Among them were letters from my high school sweetheart who I actually still talk to and never got flack over it. It was high school and we were young but do you think there was resentment? Should I keep them hidden even though I don't have those feelings anymore?
>>17339493
I also still have some silly love notes from middleschool. Those are hilarious because they aren't serious. That was just hardcore teenage crushing. Everything from a serious relationship needs to be gone though.
>>17339485
He's a musician (hobby, not professional). Said songs, however, comprise a significant portion of his music. Obviously, he's never written anything for you.
>>17339412
That's bullshit though. My partner was a lot less romantic when he was younger but since he's with me he's become immensely romantic and tender and childlike. We are both in our 30s.
>>17339377
I would not love a guy like you OP. I love my boyfriend who has his shit together, treats me extremely well, and he is also extremely affectionate and romantic. He's never cold and he tells me loves me each and every day, as well as many more beautiful things. He is better than you. I've always wanted nothing but the best for myself so I would reject you and still go with my boyfriend as you are not good enough for me.
>>17339538
I wouldn't blame you. I think you might be the first person to assume I'm the guy instead of the girl. Strange that nobody assumes this is merely a hypothetical situation for the sake of discussion.
>>17339414
My boyfriend got through a really bad friendzone before me and when he met me was still head-over-heels in love with me from day one. He's always been extremely affectionate and tender with me from the start as his gut instict told him he could trust me and I proved it right. I would not have pursued a relationship if he had been cold towards me, I have no interest in a man who shows no affection for me. Why are you presuming a woman would love you if you show no affection for her?
>>17339548
It truly is a hypothetical situation. For the sake of consideration, consider acceptable affection, but it seems forced
>>17339552
Sounds like a waste of time to me to engage in an hypothetical situation I would never find myself in as it goes against my principles therefore I would refuse to engage with it it at all if the choice was presented to me in reality.
>>17339548
I had a woman love me for many years despite me not being affectionate or romantic with her. It does happen.
>>17339377
i would primarily wonder why he kept these letters. after my bf of 7 years and i broke up i gave everything she gave/sent etc. to me back to him. i threw those things that he did not take back in the trash. i've deleted all digital photos, burned the ones on paper.
>>17339377
how can you know you love someone after dating only a few months?
>>17339377
Sounds like your man has been burned and damaged.
I don't see why I would ever turn to someone for love and affection who is incompetent at making me feel loved and cared for. This is literally my number one priority.
Having said that, good luck convincing her that you don't just care less for her. What you should've done was diclosed earlier on that you used to be different, and tried to explain what changed. Sure, it would've sucked for her, but at least you would've been honest and open with her and that in itself is a sign of intimacy and devotion.
Also, it is pretty suspicious that if you are trying to claim that your inner romantic died, you would cling to love letters for past girlfriends.
>>17339832
Just saw that they were digital, okay, that's fair enough I guess.
Still though, rationally of course not much changed but I think on top of needing to painfully accept that you are in a major (well, you read how I feel about it) way not meeting her hopes and needs, it is now rubbed in her face what it could be like if you were. I think she's going to have a hard time getting over that, if at all.
>>17339837
Saw your post about it being a real hypothetical. The reason why no one is assuming it is is because many people ironically open their messages with stuff like that. "Let's propose a friend of mine.." "Let's say this thing happened."
But in that case I can't answer because I would not get involved with someone like that and cannot speak for a woman who would.
I'm with a guy like that currently and I think he is no longer affectionate because he was badly hurt in the past. While I would love for him to be affectionate, he's a great guy in every other way.
>>17339377
sit him down and take a talk. clearly he could be romantic with his ex'es so he's not as he said. would most likely think something was wrong with me, because he was able to show feelings and be affectionate with his ex'es but not with me. he's probably not so into this girl
>>17339777
Then assume a year or two, or whatever time frame makes you comfortable.
>>17339837
What would you need to be told to feel better about this?
>>17339846
What if he's a great guy in every other respect and makes an effort to be affectionate, but it just doesn't feel genuine?
>>17339947
How long have you been together? How did you get yourself to accept this about him?
>>17339951
What sort if questions would you ask? What answers would you expect? What expectations would you have going forward?
>>17339377
Why would you want to have the same experience with him that other girls did?
Why not embrace the current and more evolved version of him that chose to be with you and not them?
You stumbled across these letters accidentally, which is fine, but, ultimately, they are none of your business. He has every right to hold on to momentos if he wishes. It doesn't mean he's unfaithful or cares about you less.
>>17340079
Maybe because you realize that maybe he doesn't love you? Like this poor chick:
>>17339947
>>17339580
how did you manage that?
>>17339377
mfw femanons on here say they would never involve themselves with such a guy...but that's all they ever date.
>>17341351
That's not true.
They usually date the guy who was never romantic or affectionate with anyone, including them.
>>17341351
>>17341356
dumb frogposters
>>17341356
Affectionate at first, until they get what they want out of the girl and the bimbo refuses to leave him after because he's way out of her league. I'd know - 4-5 of all the relationships I've ever delved in, I have ever been that guy.
>tfw romance never worked for me even though I deeply craved it
>actual successful relationships were always a matter of force and dominance with a dash of stoicism
It tears at my heart whenever I hear women complain about their guys not being romantic enough.
I'll just keep doing what works for me, I guess.
>>17341373
Then, tis more ethical never to have acted affectionate at all.
>>17341387
>Ethical
yes.
>Practical
no.
>>17341430
Then when she stares at his bullshit, his bullshit stares back her.
>>17341296
I just told her I'm not romantic or affectionate, and I'm trying.
I'd be pretty disappointed. However if you can accept that he will never be that way with you, i think that it's ok. i myself need at least some affection or affirmation, but that's just me. so in short if he was completely unaffectionate i would have a pretty big problem with it, But i'm not with him, you are.you have to make that decision for yourself
>>17342354
What if he tried, but it just never felt natural?
I would ask if he's afraid, and talk it out. Or break up.
>>17342735
Afraid?
>>17339377
> However, he is not the slightest bit affectionate or romantic, and he's actually somewhat cold, rarely tells you he loves you, etc
That's a huge red flag for me in the first place.
> One day, you accidentally discover some love letters he wrote to a couple of his exes. They're romantic and passionate, nothing like the man you know. They are everything you wished he were with you, but never has been.
Talk to him only when he initiates but mostly ignore him while looking for someone else and slowly devaluing him in my head.
Men who aren't affectionate or romantic are not husband material. I learned that the hard way twice.
>>17343661
He was affectionate and romantic with someone else before, just not with you. What goes through your head?
>>17344569
"He doesn't love me."
>However, he is not the slightest bit affectionate or romantic, and he's actually somewhat cold, rarely tells you he loves you, etc
This would be a dealbreaker in and of itself. Either he changed how he treated me or I would leave.
>One day, you accidentally discover some love letters he wrote to a couple of his exes. They're romantic and passionate, nothing like the man you know. They are everything you wished he were with you, but never has been.
Talk to him about it like you should have already. If he's cold towards you he's NOT treating you well. He should be able to understand where you're coming from and he clearly has it in him the capacity to be loving.
>>17345549
What if he started making a effort, but it was awkward and forced?
>>17345554
Keep working at it and help him get better at not making it awkward and forced. Probably tease him for it a little to lighten the awkwardness and praise his attempts when he gets shit right. I'm patient and understanding, if I see he's making a genuine attempt and things are improving, even if it's slow, he's worth sticking around for.
