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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
Okay /adv/ story time
>have BF of five years
>we're very close. Tell each other everything.
>his father passed away last September.
>he's already had bad depression, but his dad's death made it worse.
>today I don't hear from him after a couple of hours
>no big deal, probably sleeping in
>I get a pic message from him
>it's a selfie of him in another city
>I get mad and ask why he didn't tell me, he knows how I worry.
>it just seems shady to me that he would skip town and not tell me
>I get very mad at him, tell him I'm freaking out.
>he says "I just wanted to feel happy. Feel like I don't have depression"
>he then starts pulling the "I'm a grown man I can go where I want" card
>which is true, he's adult with free will. But it was so out of character. He never leaves the house unless he has to, let alone go three hours out of town.
>I just wish he told me before he went. He also told me "I didn't tell you because I didn't know I was going"
>Uhhh what?
This for real was enough for me to consider breaking up or at least separating from him. What should I do though? I don't want to sound hasty.
>>17335796
Sounds pretty selfish to not tell your loved ones and let them worry. If it's totally out of character, I'd consider breaking up with him too.
I think you have mental problems honestly. Worrying so much about your boyfriend leaving town for a few hours is just insane. You don't help his depression. You are childish, emotionally abusive and inmature.
>>17335796
>>17335815
eh I've been there. you get depressed and just need to do something.
one time i got in my car and just drove till i got tired of driving and then came home.
i don't think hes cheating, mostly he just sounds overwhelmed with life.
>>17335833
What this anon said, depression makes you do strange things. Yes be should have told you before it happens but he's been a terrible funk and needed to do something. You are definitely overreacting OP, he did not do this to spite you and if he were cheating on you he wouldn't have been look at me in another city lol.
Chill out, it hasn't even been a year since he lost his dad. Tall to him how you worry and how if he keeps doing shit like this it'll be a problem, buy be understanding and there for him.
>>17335833
>one time i got in my car and just drove till i got tired of driving and then came home.
Fucking this. I don't like the lack of communication that "I'm going out for a drive" but I've done this too.
This is the kind of thing where you need to take a step back and calm down before talking to your partner about the problem.
People are not good at thinking through things when they're upset. He was depressed, his best way of dealing with it was getting out. At that moment, his priority was how BADLY he felt. How badly he felt overrode the part of him that stops to be concerned about whether or not you'll be anxious. I see that as understandable.
What you're doing now is the same thing. Right now, you only care about how much his actions hurt you. You aren't focused on how he feels or if he's okay. And here's where you need to do some introspection. Do you mostly care that it's "out of character" and "shady" as you said? That sounds like you think he's lying. Is that what you mean? Or are you just caught up in the emotional turmoil of it, upset that he's depressed, that you can't help, that with all those things he went out alone and made you feel more powerless? Both seem like possibilities.
Because you were upset and not caring about his emotional state, he got defensive and fell back on "I do what I want." You want him to care about your emotional state too, yes? Try to do the same for him.
>>17335832
Have you ever loved somebody with depression? Maybe I am over reacting but I try to help in any way I can.
>>17335833
>>17335854
>>17335864
To me, communication is the foundation of a relationship next to trust. And him not telling me this, I feel like he betrayed that trust. I don't like being surprised like this and I assumed the worst when he said he was out of town. Forgetting this is 4chan for a second, he's a man of color, and given the recent events in the media I feared for him.
>>17335891
I guess I'm caught up in the turmoil of it. I feel powerless. He would always tell me to let him know whenever I went to work, go home, to a friends house, etc. just to know I'm safe. And then he pulls this stuff?
He recently got onto me about going to work party (which I told him about btw) and he tells me he's upset and that I was blowing him off, but it's perfectly okay for him to skip town and not tell me about it?
I found that very hypocritical and made me think the worst.
>>17335904
so if trust is one of the foundations then why don't you trust him?
also do you really think that he is going to get shot for being black? really? just for going out in public? 99% of the people that get shot get shot because they started a fight with a police officer. do you really think your bf is that stupid?
i mean god there is communication and then there is treating someone like a criminal and making them tell you where they are at all times. not informing you was inconsiderate sure
but betrayed your trust? are you fucking insane?
>>17335796
>This for real was enough for me to consider breaking up or at least separating from him.
Because he took a trip out of town and didn't consult you first? Holy fucking shit, hyper-controlling much?
He did something spontaneous for no reason than because it felt good and it kept him from being depressed for a few hours. Why is this the fucking end of the relationship? Just because he didn't tell you? It's not like he ran out and cheated on you or did meth or killed a prostitute. Guy got out of town for a while. What's the big deal? He's coming back isn't he? He actually did get in touch with you at some point, didn't he? Chill the fuck out bitch damn.
>>17335934
>he's Hispanic/Native American
>I never assumed he was cheating, I got scared that he might've been hurt.
>He left by bus, what if the bus crashed and I never knew he was gone? Then what?
>Also, I didn't start getting mad until he told me he was already out of town. He said he didn't know he was going. Yes you did know if you planned on it! Why couldn't he tell me on the ride there or some shit?
>>17335962
>Why is this the end of a relationship?
Because if he had told me first I wouldn't have a problem. I'm not saying he has to ask for my permission, but I would've liked to have known if he were fucking leaving town because he knows how I worry!
>>17335973
To add to that, could any of you really tell me you would be okay if your girlfriend didn't tell you she was leaving town without telling you and you wouldn't be the slightest bit suspicious?
>>17335963
>He left by bus, what if the bus crashed and I never knew he was gone? Then what?
What if he goes to dinner with his mom and chokes to death at the restaurant? What if his house burns down in the night and he dies of suffocation before he gets out? What if a fucking meteor falls out of the sky and sprays him ALL ACROSS THE SIDEWALK IN A SOUPY FAN!?! Stop worrying about hypothetical nonsense, it's no way to live.
>>17335963
>He said he didn't know he was going. Yes you did know if you planned on it!
Do you not see how "planning to do it" and "knowing you're going to do it" are the same fucking thing right? He didn't know he was going till he went, he didn't plan on going till he went. Honestly, if he did something like this, he was probably balls deep in a depressive hole and looking for anything to take his mind off it. So he took a drive. He didn't think about you. He didn't think about his depression. He just drove so he didn't have to think. He called you when he got in touch when he finally realized the consequences of what he did. Stop freaking out about nothing.
>>17335977
>could any of you really tell me you would be okay if your girlfriend didn't tell you she was leaving town
Yeah, provided she hit me up when she got where she was going and had a legitimate reason for doing so. All of which your boyfriend seems to have provided.
I wouldn't be suspicious, because I'm not going to date someone I don't implicitly trust. Why would you be in a relationship with someone you don't trust?
>>17335925
It's not "perfectly okay." But since you were instantly upset that stopped you from having a discussion about it. He was trying to get himself back to a stable emotional state. Once he had that, he texted you and your emotions threw him off. He couldn't stop and help you through your anxiety, he needed to make himself feel okay.
Also, just because someone has certain rules, doesn't mean they always follow them. People mess up, they don't always think things through. Talk to him about it when you aren't as emotionally charged. But really if you want him to try to understand how you feel, try to understand how he feels too.
>>17335984
Because if this were a truly trusting relationship he would've fucking told me before going. I trusted him before the last minute.
>>17335796
you are not his mother. his trip was spur of the moment follow the car bonnet. or just to look at some new scenery, dont panic. if he loves you he will come back at the moment he is just having some "me time" its nothing worry over.
You don't strike me as a cunt, but your attitude is very cunty.
He lost his father, he clearly feels like the world doesn't makes sense, and you going on him all demanding won't make it any good. Given that particular dialogue specifically without any backstory, I'd say you don't help him in his depression in any way positively so getting out of the house and thinking things through might be good for him.
Either try to be supportive when he gets home or break up with him because you're no good.
>>17335994
Honestly, I felt like he was hiding something from me if he didn't tell me he was going to go.
>>17335977
yes, especially if i knew she was depressed and especially if she ended up calling me eventually. otherwise you end up with a co dependent mess of shit.
>>17335994
>he didn't tell me he was going
What part of this aren't you comprehending, let me cruise control it for you so you get the picture, GUYS GO ON LONG DRIVES SPONTANEOUSLY FOR NO REASON ALL THE FUCKING TIME, HE DIDN'T CONSULT YOU FIRST BECAUSE HE'S SO DEPRESSED IF HE DIDN'T TAKE THAT DRIVE HE MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIMSELF INSTEAD, STOP WORRYING ABOUT FUCKING NOTHING AND BE GRATEFUL FOR THE BOYFRIEND WHO LOVES YOU YOU IMMATURE DICK HOLSTER
>>17335796
Don't be a bitch.
Us Latin men are a passionate fire that cannot be controlled.
(^^^Please read this in an Antonio Banderas voice)
Seriously, you'll be fine dude. It's not that bad. If this is the end of the world then you don't deserve him and should break up with him. Breakup with him right after he took a drastic measure to fix himself so that he doesn't feel like a piece of Shit when he lives his significant other. Yeah, that's smart!
Make the problem about you, not his depression. End an emotional investment because someone didn't tell you they were going out to play.
Bitch
Let a man be a man
Of course you'll give him shit for it, but it's a woman's job to give a man Shit right?
You guys should get married.
Name your first five kids after me ;)
>>17336018
I'm a Latina woman. That's why I'm hyper controlling.
>>17335796
So the poor guy is already depressed and then loses his father, and you get this upset about him wanting to go for a drive? Jesus christ, give the guy some room!
>He also told me "I didn't tell you because I didn't know I was going"
How is this even an issue? Do you really not understand this? Sometimes you want to just get in your car and go. No destination, just drive.
You sound like a control freak, which is not how you should be acting right now. It's honestly childish. You should be more sympathetic to the poor guy.
>it's an OP doesn't get the advice she's looking for so she pisses off in a huff to break up with her depressed boyfriend episode
>>17336030
yea. stop that.
Okay, OP here.
I will admit, I'm very selfish with him. I often equate helicoptering my boyfriend with protecting. Sometimes I don't see the difference between caring and controlling. And it is something I'm trying to work on.
Maybe some harsh truth was what I needed. Maybe I am an over bearing cunt. Maybe I do need to break up with him for his sake and not my feelings. If he felt like he couldn't tell me, then it's a me problem.
But try to see this from my pov, just try.
>>17336081
>If he felt like he couldn't tell me
There you go again trying to assign reason to him like you can read his mind. Do I need to use cruise control again? Do you really not understand the difference between "didn't think to tell you about some spontaneous shit he did on a whim" and "actively hiding something from you by choosing to not tell you what he's doing"?
Are you really this dumb? Maybe that's why none of us can see your point of view. How about try it from your boyfriend's point of view. He's depressed as fuck, he feels totally worthless, a flaming human garbage dump. But hey, driving is nice. Suppose he'll just drive a while. And drive. And drive. And drive. Oh hey, he feels kinda better. Oh damn, hasn't called the girlfriend in a while. Better do that. I'm sure she'll be happy to hear from him and know he's OK and not jump down his throat like a mad-cow harpy for no reason.
