I'm 29. I have a degree, I have a job. I have a girlfriend.
I don't wont to be romantically involved with just one person for my whole life. I don't want to have a family. I don't want to fucking work another day of my fucking life anymore. I don't see a fucking purpose in much anything except enjoying art and nature - because I'm aware that I'll be dead in a few years, just like everyone else.
One thing that I would like to do is to create something that I would be proud of, but as an artist I'm a complete amateur and don't have much skill, and generally I am completely at loss as to how to get sth like that started.
What the fuck is wrong with me, /adv/?
All of this is making me super-anxious, just writing this is making my heart pound. All my friends, coworkers and family consider me to be, more or less, a well balanced individual, was never diagnosed with any type of mental disorder or anything like that.
>One thing that I would like to do is to create something that I would be proud of.
Then figure out what that could be, and try it.
>>17334090
I don't know OP.
On a side note, consider making this thread your good deed for the day, because you just made me believe that normalfags can be miserable as well.
>>17334115
Ok, did you do sth like that yourself? Care to share any personal experiences?
>>17334149
I recon most people are miserable now days, anon. And I wouldn't even consider myself a normalfag. All my interests are pretty niche, and I don't fucking want any of that normalfag shit anyway.
>>17334090
It's perfectly normal. Most people are aware of this at some level, but just decide to keep going, because changing lifestyle and admitting that your life was a farce HURTS.
The only thing you can do, realistically, is to train as an artist, while keeping your day job, and fuck everything else in your life.
If you ever make it big, enough to quit your job, then you'll have your dream life.
>>17334157
I work as a programmer. I take pride in keeping the my code clean, efficient and readable.
When i worked as a bartender i took pride in keeping the bar clean and efficient, learning new drinks and trying to generally keep the place a pleasant one to hang out at.
Well, i can't say i was actually very good as a bartender, nor programmer for that matter, but these were the values i strived for.
>>17334167
>degree
>job
>friends
>girlfriend
>literally living the dream
But apparently it's not enough and you want to have sex with whoever you want and draw pictures and frolic in the meadows for a living. Life doesn't work that way anon, I'm sorry.
My advice to you would be this. Face your responsibilities as an adult, there's nothing wrong with you or your life. Keep your hobbies just that - hobbies. If your depression gets more severe go see a therapist.
>>17334090
>I don't wont to be romantically involved with just one person for my whole life. I don't want to have a family. I don't want to fucking work another day of my fucking life anymore. I don't see a fucking purpose in much anything except enjoying art and nature - because I'm aware that I'll be dead in a few years, just like everyone else.
Go see a doctor.
Feeling this way need not be medically relevant. It could very well be that this is just how you feel because it's how you feel.
But it can also be a symptom of something else. That something can be anything from PTSD to a major depressive episode to an anxiety disorder to something physical like an ulcer or a tumor.
It's probably none of those things. It's probably just how you feel.
But you should see a doctor, because a doctor takes away, "here's what it probably is," and replaces it with, "here's what the most reliable tests we have available indicate it probably is, and to this degree of certainty."
>>17334236
Ok, what you are saying is not without value, or common sense, and I thank you for your input, BUT... should a person really conform to a life that they don't really have much respect for?
>>17334200
>>17334207
Nice to hear your thoughts as well, thanks.
>>17334090
I'm 29. I don't have a degree, I don't have a job, and I don't have a girlfriend.
From where I'm sitting, you have everything. Which is weird, because you say a lot of shit that resonates with me.
>I don't want to fucking work another day of my fucking life anymore.
Yeah, this is kind of my problem with work, too. We're from a generation that was sold the idea that we could do everything we wanted to do. Our parents and their peers assumed that things would be even better for us than they were for them. They were wrong. We're the first generation in ages to be poorer than the one preceding it. I see my friends and my sister work their asses off to have things we assumed were the baseline. My not so fortunate friends are in the same boat as me, the NEET. At my last job you had people with degrees putting shit in boxes, only barely eeking out a living.
So yeah, you're not wrong. But I do want a job, because at least it'll enable me to move forward. When you have nothing, you can do nothing. Not even the shit you enjoy. A job is a good way to stave off entropy. And maybe that's good enough.
>I don't see a fucking purpose in much anything except enjoying art and nature - because I'm aware that I'll be dead in a few years, just like everyone else.
I've been dealing with the same existential issue. It's hard to see the purpose in life, especially when demands on us are pretty high. I think they call it the quarter life crisis, though we're a little old for that.
Cont.
>>17334358
>>One thing that I would like to do is to create something that I would be proud of, but as an artist I'm a complete amateur and don't have much skill, and generally I am completely at loss as to how to get sth like that started.
Yeah, I have the same answer to the above issue, with the same problems. It's uncanny. The one thing that abhors me about working in some corporation, typing away, is that it isn't DOING anything. You're not working on something. That's how it feels to my monkey brain, anyway.
I don't have the answer. Forming a skill like this takes a lot of practice. I used to write for the majority of my life, until I got insanely self-conscious about it, and in retrospect it took me years to get any good at it. And I still consider myself so shit that I haven't picked it up in years. Tried drawing, too. I still have the desire, but the discipline of practice eludes me.
And I suppose that discipline is key to developing a skill like this. I'm always reminded of someone me ex knows. The dude is a professional knight. You don't just become a professional knight overnight (hur). He started hanging out at historical stuff, all by himself. Gradually, he learned things, like how to make Medieval shoes. By then he was established within the community, and people came to him if they needed shoes, allowing him to get deeper within the community and the skillsets it offered. Eventually that culminated in him being a professional knight.
All starts are small, I suppose. It's hard to keep that in mind while you're sitting there, damn near 30 and expect to be professional and working on your "career", and you're doodling things some 12 year olds would laugh at. It's hard. This dichotomy keeps me from putting in the practice, to be honest. When I try to work on personal stuff, I've got the feeling I should be working on professional stuff, and vice verse. I feel like I'm living in limbo. Maybe that's familiar to you.
>>17334090
>i dont want to be romantically involved with just one person for my whole life
you dont have to be.
>i dont want to work another fucking day in my life
too bad? life is about making yourself happy and fulfilled but when you arent willing to WORK towards happiness you just become a whiny cunt
>i want to make art but im an amateur
take classes, keep making art, and one day you'll reach your magnum opus.
>>17334090
Okay, so I know this is not what you're thinking of when you think, "art," but bear with me.
Here's Mike's comic art from 1998.
>>17334415
And here it is today.
When he started, he was not what anyone would call great. Probably a lot of people wouldn't even call him good.
But he *did* start, and kept going. Now, 18 goddamned years later, he's clearly improved by a tremendous degree. Not everyone would call him great, but nearly everyone would call him good.
He wasn't born with that skill; he developed it.
Do the same. Start today.
>>17334358
Holly shit, anon, this IS uncanny.
>At my last job you had people with degrees putting shit in boxes, only barely eeking out a living.
I don't know where you are from, anon, but where I am that is like it is for most people. You have people with phds working in outsourced call centers and local book stores for 300-400 euros a month (I'm from one of the ex Yugo countries, btw).
>I've been dealing with the same existential issue.
Me too. My close friend's boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago. A month later, he was dead. He was 25. Really makes you think.
>>17334381
>The one thing that abhors me about working in some corporation, typing away, is that it isn't DOING anything. You're not working on something.
Exactly. It's like you're being paid to just sit there for 8 hours. Sometimes you get some stuff to work on, sometimes you just sit around like a jackass and wait for the stuff to come. And it's all completely, utterly, mind-numbingly useless for anyone except for the person organizing the whole affair. My gf works as a nurse on neonatology and while the work is hard and responsible, it actually has some fucking purpose and is beneficial to someone.
>It's hard to keep that in mind while you're sitting there, damn near 30 and expect to be professional and working on your "career", and you're doodling things some 12 year olds would laugh at. It's hard. This dichotomy keeps me from putting in the practice, to be honest. When I try to work on personal stuff, I've got the feeling I should be working on professional stuff, and vice verse. I feel like I'm living in limbo. Maybe that's familiar to you.
It is, and this describes how I feel about it exactly. I apply for courses to advance my "carrier" sometimes, but they usually recognize me for someone who does not even wants to be there in the first place, so I rarely get chosen for sth like that.
The anxiety I mentionend may even be the key to the whole issue. Your knight guy obviously did not fret about things like this. He went out there, learned and developed the skills he cared about. The problem is, like you say, making a move and somehow making it work with other RL responsibilities.
>>17334438
Ha, nice example, I admit. The first comic really is unimpressive art-wise (the joke is not bad, though), but the other one is very nice. Reminds me a lot of Doug TenNapel's art.
>>17334090
well buddy it seems you are taking the nihilist path. you have taken the pill of fate and know everything is gonna end someday anyway so why bother? it also seems you are depressed so I would advice you to go to a doctor for some happy pills. and imo you should live your life ironically and never give a fuck
>>17334467
I'm from the Netherlands. The pay here is better, but life is more expensive. Aside from having better healthcare and welfare, I feel like it evens out. These people had problems that seemed almost American, like putting off dentist visits because they could not afford them. A problem I've never had, fortunately. Zero cavity life, bitch!
Also, my dad's a dentist.
>A month later, he was dead. He was 25
Yeah, something like that happened to a buddy's older brother. Turns out they had a gene that gives you stomach cancer, and they had to have their stomachs taken out. My ex had a gene like that, too. When I was in school, a kid who used to bully me was found dead in his bed after a party. Turned out his body couldn't process alcohol. My mother works at a children's ICU, so she's always been full of stories about kids dying. The amount of shit doctors see is immense, of course. She did a presentation on dealing with dying kids, once. I gave it quick look over, because I was doing a lot of presentations at the time. But apparently she got a lot of people coming to her, telling her it was very moving. I suppose there's an advantage to dealing with this stuff on a daily basis. It makes you good at it, just as our hypothetical art practice.
People have scoffed at the Medieval mindset of Memento Mori, characterising it as dour. But I see it differently. Death is natural. We will die. Young and old, rich and poor. The king and the pawn go back into the same box. This is the motif of the Danse Macabre, which is a Memento Mori.
I don't think our fear is death, but not living life fully enough. To me, something like an office existence is not a price I'm willing to put on life. The idea of "saving up" for a day where you're able to cash in your hours at a hated job for a life of leisure is an impossible concept to me.
Deep down, I want to live life in bold strokes, but find myself blocked.
>>17334475
Well, the one thing I took away from my ex and the people in her life is that they had nothing to lose by undertaking these things. Or any choice, for that matter. She was what we could call someone on the fringes of society.
And when there's only more crap for you here, and nothing ties you down, it's comparitively easy to say you're going to Canada to fix schoolbuses for a living, or whatnot.
I don't know about you, but one of the things holding me back is shame. It's weird. Hard to tell where it comes from, but there it is. I think it's the dichotomy of what I want to do, and what I'm "supposed" to do. I'm perennially aware of my nature as a "failure" in societal context. It's not a good feeling. Like I said, I feel like I'm stuck in limbo.
I suppose the only answer is to somehow break through this film of negative emotion, and to actually get some shit done, and to never stop. It should be easy. But somehow, it isn't.
>>17334657
>>17334657
>People have scoffed at the Medieval mindset of Memento Mori, characterising it as dour. But I see it differently. Death is natural. We will die. Young and old, rich and poor. The king and the pawn go back into the same box. This is the motif of the Danse Macabre, which is a Memento Mori.
I can tell that you truly are a fellow countrymen of Bosch and Broigel. Like you say, it's not the fear of death but the fear of not really living.
For what it's worth I thank you very much for posting your thoughts today. You come across as very educated and eloquent (I’m always surprised at how well Duch people speak and write English). I will save this thread and think about this some more, but generally it comes down to this:
>I suppose the only answer is to somehow break through this film of negative emotion, and to actually get some shit done, and to never stop. It should be easy. But somehow, it isn't.
It all makes me wish I was more like my father. He has somehow managed to harmonize his professional & family life with his artistic/intellectual endeavors. Over the years he has written thousands of reviews, texts, analysis and what have you, hosted radio shows for more than three decades, etc. I really feel like I'm not able to hold a candle to him in any way.
I share the passion, but somehow lack the initiative, courage or will or whatever it is to make it happen.
>>17334305
I have this theory, that the real job of psychologists is to hold individuals down, so that they dont break out of societys cage and maximize the earnings of companys.
You should come to /sci/.
We understand you.
We are you.
But we learnt how to live with that sensation and now we are happy little scientists.
