Suicidal
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
I've been mentally ill since seven years, currently in my 20s.
I've simply lost all motivation, and I feel less and less for every passing year. I've even been to the phsyc-place (live-in), twice.
Both lasting for a few months. First time, I tried to kill myself, ended up on the ER - then forced to that place.
Second time was "willingly", as I felt how I do now.
Difference - I don't feel like going anymore.
There's no point to it. I've recieved all sorts of treatments, from drugs to electroconvulsive therapy, didn't help. More so, I feel like a real vegetable.
I have a huge distrust for the people there in general, and some doesn't even seem to care. It's just their job.
I'm not feeling depressed because of anything currently in my life. I have a good life.
It's just my retarded illnesses fucking with me, and they will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
I just feel so... Tired. Can I keep this up? I don't want to.
Nothing in life feels rewarding anymore. Why should I go through so much pain, without gain?
A part of me wants help. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm sick of it.
Perhaps I should start with illegal drugs, since I'm already eating pills like snacks, which doesn't seem to help.
I just want it to go away.
>Help.
You need a night at a good restaurant. You're probably just down because you don't eat much/haven't eaten today
>>17331544
This is probably a shitty advice but for me, the best thing was to accept it as a game rule. Started being cynical, hating on people and generally trolling around. I could either kill myself or go on doing useless shit, it will end one day either way
It's going to be fine:)
This is something I really needed to hear, yet nobody told me
It's going to be fine
>>17331544
I've already eaten today. Usually I don't eat much, as I lose my appetite with the mood.
>>17331567
Great /adv/ I guess.
>>17331574
Yeah, and life is a walk on roses where everybody wins.
>>17331614
Exactly. Even when the mood is gone, if you know you haven't eaten in a few hours, eat something really really yummy. You can be in such a mood with yummy food in your mouth! Then say "bubbly" as angrily as you can over and over
>>17331646
I'll try eating something, but I really can't say anything 'angrily' at all right now.
>>17331651
Something YUMMY. Like your favorite food! And of course you can. You're in complete control of your own emotions love, NEVER forget that, just in your case you have to be really strong and grasp that control
>>17331670
I found some ice cream, the most tasty thing I could find. It's sorta to sweet, makes me ill. I feel so damn pessimistic.
I'm never in control of my emotions, that's the thing. My mental health prevents that.
To add it up, I have a really hard time getting angry/upset/jealous or overall "strong" emotions.
Feels like a weak soul. A sad one, and I can't even cry.
>>17331505
>>17331505
Hey, Anon...
I have severe PTSD myself..
Every morning when I wake up, I ask why I didn't just quietly slip away permanently into the realm of dreams.. And I have the exact same feeling as you, tired.. always.. Especially now when my girlfriend who honestly meant the world to me left me recently.
Do you know what keeps me going?
My dream of one day becoming a soldier, a jägare. A elite soldier, the best of the best.
If I give up now, I'll prove everyone who has ever said a bad word about me that they were right and I'll never get "jägar bågen"..
I'm unsure if you've found your dream yet, but if you havent.. I can asure you.. There's a spot for you somewhere in this world.. And that spot needs you just as much as you need it.
So.. don't give up.. You can't.. You're too valuable, regardless if you want to believe it or not.
And help is hard to get.. And.. once you do get it, it's a hard, long and painful path to walk.. a path I've only walked for a few meters untill I quit myself, but I've promised myself to continue walking on it as soon as I feel I'm ready.. And I hope you will too..
And pills and drugs.. No.. illegal drugs will do nothing but tear you up even more in the long run, and pills I do not trust myself either..
We have feelings for a reason, I don't believe it's wize to play god and disable what was evolved for our safety by mother nature herself..
I hope you find your goal and meaning in life soon, friend.. And untill you do, stay strong.. Not only for yourself, but for your friends and family.
Your anon friend,
Thresh
>>17331839
pic related btw.. Jägare at K3, their base of operations.
>>17331839
Thank you for sharing, Thresh. I knew you had a rough time, but I was unsure of how 'bad' it actually was.
I don't have a dream.
No goal, no motivation.
I know that people find me more 'valuable', than what I think of myself.
Does that mean I should walk through pain for someone other than myself?
It's selfish, yes. But they won't ease the pain, they won't help out.
Either they don't understand, or know how, or even want to.
People are selfish. When it really comes down to it, I'm by myself.
My own family, those I called closest friends, and partners.
I've seen this over and over, and the feeling gets less each time.
It's either no feelings, or so overwhelming and confusing that it's too much.
A clusterfuck of feelings, so mixed up there's no word for it.
No thoughts, just misery.
I have the tiniest shred of hope for a better future. For a person.
The one thing I cling myself to in moments when I'm not so deep in my 'bubble', that I try shit.
That last person, decided to commit suicide.
It was a person whom I loved, cared for, and had deep respect for.
That person helped me out, over and over.
I thought they cared, because of what they did.
But in the end, I couldn't give any help in return.
It didn't matter how much I cared, loved, was around, spoke to.
I was unable to do anything to change the outcome.
Was it ment to be? Would Anything have changed it?
What if I'm there?
Would it be easier to give up early, than go through torture, with the same result anyway?
>>17331685
I bet i can make you angry at me :-D
Sometimes it takes a someone instead of a something to pull the feels out of you. Someone with lots of feels, enough for both of you to share!
>>17331917
The last time I was angry 'for real' was four years ago. You can try.
>>17331907
(Part 1)
Well.
When I was 15 years of age I actually had to flee from my parents who were litterary and seriously on their way to commit murder, on me.
Thing is, there is always someone who has it worse, that's why I've never tried to make myself look like the one with the worst background and why I even rarely speak about it. We all have skeletons that haunts us, friend.
I can keep talking about myself for hours, but that's not what I'm here for.. I'm here for you.. so..
I'm known by my friends to be honest and straight forward, no sugar coating, so I won't do it for you either.
No. They don't understand nor do they know how to. Truth be told, that's most likely why my girlfriend left me.. Because she didn't understand nor knew how to be together with a person so heavily affected by PTSD..
And you know.. It's people just being people..
But what you're saying about one being on their own always, isnt true.. Just like there's a goal for everyone, there's a person and a friend for everyone.
And the person you spoke about being the one person you loved and cared for.. It's a great loss to you, I am sure.. but.. Just imagen what you feel, and what your friends and family would feel if you took the same path as him or her?
I'm sure you might not think some of your friends and family care, but I can promise you that even if they don't show it.. they do..
People tend to not realize what they have untill they don't have it anymore, sadly..
But, like I said.. You've had a person to lean on, a friend.. Do you truely believe that you will not find a new one? I'm not saying drop and forget your friend who passed away, simply pointing out that all old things gets replaced by new things eventually.
War gets replaced by peace, peace by war.
Calm gets replaced by chaos, chaos by calm.
Happiness gets replaced bysadness, sadness by happiness.
And yes, if a person has set their mind on something, it's often very hard to change it.. Very true and sad..
>>17331939
What happened four years ago??
Life is so so so short.
You only get so much time, and then its over.
I don't think you need to be happy to enjoy life. At the end of every long sad period is always this amazing feeling of contentedness. I'm okay with not being happy now. It never was my thing.
Now I look forward to the moments when I can lean back and let out a long sigh and think to myself "Yes. This is okay".
I try to have more moments like that when I can.
>>17331907
(Part 2)
And.. What if you're there?
Well. Truth be told, you're only there if you've made up your mind about it, and I'm certain you havent. This post is a cry for help, a person who has made their mind regarding taking their own life wouldnt do that. Atleast most of the time.
Now, if you actually are there, it's still not too late.. As I said before in the first part.. It's not impossible for someone to show you the right path, and it's even easier if you're aware of the fact that you're walking on the wrong one too..
And what do you mean to give up early, without torture but still with the same result? Death in the end?
Does death scare you?
We all will die one day, yes.
But you're young and have yet a lot to learn, teach, see, smell, feel, taste and experience.
I don't believe it is your time to leave us.
Also, I just realized that I completely missed your second row..
You don't have a dream? You'll find it.
I know it might sound boring, scary or pointless to wait for it, maybe all three things at the same time even.. But, it's going to be worth it.
Just think about it, when you want something really badly and you actually get it eventually.. That joy.. Even if you don't feel it anymore and perhaps havent in a long time, I'm sure you have at some point in your life..
Imagen that, but ten, no.. hundred, no.. THOUSANDS times stronger.. That's what you'll feel when you've accomplished your goal..
And once you have, you wont be willing to give that up..
Even if you don't feel like that right now, I'm certain you can imagen it and realize I'm not wrong. Atleast not entierly. :)
>>17331973
>When I was 15 years of age I actually had to flee from my parents who were litterary and seriously on their way to commit murder, on me.
May I ask Why, if you know?
>But what you're saying about one being on their own always, isnt true..
People have told me in the past, the same thing over and over.
"I'm here for you. Talk to me. I can help."
When I need it the most, they're no longer there.
The moments when I simply could've used a hug, they walked out on me, tried to put themselves first, or even bashed at me for it.
This is why it's so hard to cry.
I was 14. I cried my eyes out, for something minor. I let all my stress out, in a hysteric way.
It became too much, for others.
They screamed at me, furious, to "fucking stop".
Crying is taboo. It created a lock in my brain. It's just hard to pass it.
>there's a person and a friend for everyone.
I'm not even sure if people can handle me.
Those who understand, has problems of their own, and I won't make it any better.
I have moments when I'm such a pain in the ass, that I don't blame them for their actions.
For obvious reasons, those who doesn't understand, won't be able to handle even a bit of me.
Among my many illnesses, I'm also bipolar.
>Just imagen what you feel, and what your friends and family would feel if you took the same path as him or her?
Once more; should I torture myself for the rest of my life - as with the permanent illness of bipolar - for the sake of saving others pain?
It's not like I want to hurt anyone else. At times I don't care, othertimes it just makes me feel even worse.
I know I am the reason for many things, among creating misery within my own family, because of the way I am.
A family that threw me out because I was suicidal.
>Do you truely believe that you will not find a new one?
As prior said, shred of hope. That's all.
/Cont. inc.
>>17331977
I was drunk. I had a party in my aparment.
I told three guys they couldn't come, because we were too many already.
They went anyway while I was out, told my friend I allowed them to enter.
I found them in the kitchen with my ex.
I got upset, and told them to get the fuck out.
The moment I burst; Ignored me in the hallway, speaking over my head.
I flipped my shit, screamed and told him I'd bash his head out if he didn't move within three seconds.
He, among some others, got truly scared.
>>17331985
The weight of the bad parts doesn't lift up the "content" feeling enough.
>>17331997
No, that's true. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't completely sure.
I simply know my patterns.
I have a period of really bad days, a few weeks, until I hit a wall.
At this very moment, I regret asking for help the first time I tried to take my life.
I can't even remember that I did, because I got so high.
It's not an easy thing to do, take your life.
The peace you feel, the moment you know, it's over.
It's done.
No more.
Death does not scare me.
Pain does.
>with the same result?
As in, suicide. I honestly don't think I'll live to an old age.
>>17331685
It sure does make me sad to see you so down friend. If i could i would break off a big piece of my heart and give it to you to use so you could feel happiness, if i ever met you i definitely would. And if that piece couldn't fit your chest i'd give you an even bigger piece. I mean it has some cracks in it and a bit of bruising but it still works good. Then i'd give you all the ice cream you'd ever want. Someone will come along one day and give you all that anyway though. Look forward to it!
>>17332037
In a sad attempt to lighten your mood and my own, while waiting for your cont, I'll make a >greentext for you.
>be me
>born without father, beause I suppose he didn't want to be just that, a father.
>mum found new husband, new "dad".
>mum started a shop of her own, dad was a well known and respected lawyer.
>mum has more illnesses than you and me combined, times three.
>dad loved his bottle of whiskey more than anything else
>forced to learn german, my 4'th language, at the age of 6.
>started realizing I was supposed to be a child, and started acting like it
>got punished for it
>got beaten bloddy, with fists and objects
>got locked away for hours, sometimes without light, food and water.
>got verbally abused and dehumanized.
>violence grew, more blood and scars
>got punished by not getting food or/and sleep
I remember one night.. it was the day before my birthday, I was 12, supposed to turn 13. I had just fallen asleep when I woke up by the sound of my door being slammed wide open..
My mother beat me for hours, screaming everything from me being her largest mistake to how ugly and useless I was. When she was donce, so I thought, I crawled outside and hid in a field.. We lived on a large farm, with vast ammounts of land around it.. I remember sitting there, bleeding and puking out of pure fear.. I remember looking down the road towards my home, seeing my mother walking around with a axe in her hand, screaming my name.. That was the first time she tried to kill me..
And it wasnt the last time..
So.. if I return to your question.. I can't answer it, because I don't know. I know she's ill and my father is always too drunk to know the difference between his cock and the tv remote but.. still.. I cannot understand.. not even now.. Why anyone would ever do something like that, to their own flesh and blood.
I honestly.. don't.. know...
Nor.. will I ever..
>>17331505
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0
>>17332082
I wish I could say that it makes me happy to hear that, but I can't feel a thing.
It just feels like the typical thing to say, words which remained empty in the end.
>Been there.
>>17332083
Thank you for sharing. Bringing up memories sucks. There isn't really anything else to say about it.
>>17332088
You know.. I'm a mootfag.. do you know what that means? Most likely not, because you're one of those edgy little newfags are you not? Or are you parhaps a summerfag even? The worst and most toxic shit that has ever put their mark on the surfice of this earth..
I truely hope your parents and school teaches you about condoms, because I do not wish your gene pool to reproduce you little filth.
Now, be gone with you.
Go back to tumblr and fap to my little pony.
>>17331505
Hello Mary
>>17332102
>Be creeper normally.
>>17332106
I'm not "Mary", who ever that is.
Never posted about my depression/suicide thoughts on 4chan before.
Plenty on my blog, though.
>>17332101
It wasn't meant to make you happy, it was meant to tell you a truth...
But nowadays everybody's heard everything before ^_^ makes it kind of hard to tell anyone anything. But not all words are hollow..And i have no idea why but i feel the need to make you smile at least once..
>>17332129
I'll smile. For whichever reason that might be.
My mood swings like a pendulum.
Which is why I know it will get bad, and how bad.
The reason for the suicidal thoughts.
>>17332037
(Part one)
>People have told me in the past, the same thing over and over.
And they will continue to do so, because people are people. The only thing that will change is your experience and knowledgeg about who speaks the truth and who does not. Being able to see who is worth less than the rocks you blow up for a living..
Cry? You don't have to cry, unless you want to?
I havent cried in a long time either, but I don't feel the need for it so it does not bother me. But it is perhaps something that you want to be able to do?
>I'm not even sure if people can handle me.
If a person cannot handle you, it's not the right one. It's as simple as that. I'm not saying ignore everyone who cannot understand, help and handle you.. I'm simply saying that perhaps they shouldnt be valued as a person to trust with emotions and thoughts..?
>Once more; should I torture myself for the rest of my life
Once more; It's not forever friend.. One day.. one day.. We all have a meaning in life, do we not? And being sad and depressed is not a meaning, so you're yet to find yours.
... Nor is death a meaning, atleast not for a race like humans that is so advanced and high in the laws of nature..
And hope.. hope is a word I strongly avoid.. It's a magical word that we are taught to have in order to get through life.. I don't believe that. I believe in ourselves and our purpose. What we do with our lives. That's the only thing that matters, in the end...
>I have a period of really bad days
Then brighten up (easy to say, extreamly hard to do... I know) friend.. I cannot stress this enough, you will find that one thing that makes everything great again one day.
>>17332037
(Part two)
Look at it this way, if I can make a childish yet perhaps good comparison?
You want a cake.. A big tasty cake.. But.. You're so tired, and you have to bake it.. And nor you do have the stuff needed for the cake..
Well. You wont get the cake if you don't go to your store, pick up the stuff you need and bake it..
I mean, even if you're smart and take a shortcut and buy a cake.. you still have to go to the store and buy one.
(Geezus fuck, I'm smart........... I honestly just made that comparison up..)
>>17332134
So you're not always this way?
>>17332145
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
>>17332148
>who speaks the truth and who does not.
This far not a single truth, it's not like it feels any easier to continue hoping with that.
>Cry? You don't have to cry, unless you want to?
I want to cry. I want to feel sad. Pity myself. Then get better. The release of feelings.
I don't want to walk around with so much, that it becomes nothing.
>If a person cannot handle you, it's not the right one.
I'm aware.
I just think that I won't ever be able to function with other people, at all. I'm too messed up already. I can try, and try hard.
There's just so much that won't change, with me. I don't expect people to cope with that.
>It's not forever friend..
I will stay bipolar until the day I die.
>What we do with our lives. That's the only thing that matters, in the end...
I've done a lot with my life already, and there's plenty of things I could do.
What for?
It does not change the fact of how I feel.
My 'fear', is to never find anything to actually change it.
Not just a temporary illusion.
I've been told there's no such thing.
To deal with it, I'd have to distract myself with pleasurable things in life, and just try to minimize the bad. Medicine, therapy, excerice, food, all that jazz.
I'm tired of it.
>you will find that one thing that makes everything great again one day.
Without hope, or motivation, this is an extremely hard thing to believe in.
>>17332152
And if I do all of that, in the end the cake is just tasteless, boring, and makes me fat?
whats the cheapest and least painful way to killyourself?
>>17332196
http://lostallhope.com/suicide-methods/statistics-most-lethal-methods
To put aside my own problems and opinions, take a moment to seek help if you're actually thinking about doing something.
>Me being a hypocrite.
>>17332196
To just...not...that costs nothing
>>17332236
>lostallhope.com
>A successful, painless suicide takes a lot of research and preparation. And, if you read as much information as I have, you will realise it does take effort.
>Because the more I read, the more I see how many ways there are to screw up killing yourself.
>>17332176
(Part one)
I personally don't follow this way of looking at life, but perhaps you should?
A glass is not half empty, but half full..?
>This far not a single truth
Just like you said, this far. You'll find one eventually. Or rather, you even HAVE found one, but he or she sadly passed away.. or am I wrong?
>I want to cry.
Well. Then I understand that it's.. hard.. to not be able to cry even if you want to.. I honestly do not know what to say there.. I mean, I do but nothing that I can back up with personal experience which is why I won't say anything. I, just like you, don't like taking peoples word for it, hence why I want proof behind everything I say.. I suppose you understand and perhaps even appreciate that..?
>I'm aware.
So fuck them!
Not.. litterary.. that's.. a bad idea.. :/
But on a serious note, if they are not even a good "basic friend" (if you understand what I mean?) why even bother? Let them go and find a replacement!
>I will stay bipolar until the day I die.
Yes, you will. But being bipolar does not make your life a living misery for the rest of your life unless you allow it to.
This is what I've been trying to say this entire time, friend..
Once you find that one thing you love, your goal.. your mission with life.. Your head can be as bipolar as it wants.. If you're feeling down, sad or bad, you can just do that thing.. And you'll be happy again.. It's REALLY that simple.
I was in the national guard, and I loved it. I loved walking miles for no fucking reason with a backpack of 60-70 kilos. I LOVED it.
I felt bad? I shot things at the range. I felt bad? I walked 5 miles with my backpack.. I felt bad? I charged into battle with my squad and fired up 200 rounds worth of ammo, then went back to the field hq to refill my mags just to go back out and shoot up the mags again.
>>17332176
(Part two)
Hell... I even fucking loved digging a hole to take a shit, then put the used toilet paper in a bag and the bag in my pocket. Yes, we seriously have to do that, leave no trace..
I LOVED IT.
You'll find something you love in the same way, if not more. And it will make you happy in the same way, if not more.
>I've done a lot with my life already
^Last comment, pretty much. Life is on a clock and you want to do as much as you can until that clock runs out. Somewhere, deep down you know it's true.
Cmon, tell me.. What is it that you truely want?
Travel around the world? Eat a mountain of icecream? Get a dog? Have anal sex? Blow shit up? Carry around used toilet paper in your pocket?
There is something, don't lie to yourself.
And yes, it's hard to believe in.. I know.. And.. frankly.. I was affraid you'd say that, because I do not know what to say. I suppose I cannot answer that question because I have this force that keeps me going to become a Jägare one day..
But.. I suppose you'll just have to take my word for it. You don't need to trust me if you're tired of trusting people.. You just have to listen.
And hey.. you can't say the cake is tasteless, boring and makes you fat.. :( I said it was a Big tasty cake! :/
>>17332257
>found one, but he or she sadly passed away.
No. That person left in the end, for selfish reasons.
Defying the whole "I'll always be there for you"-thing.
>I suppose you understand and perhaps even appreciate that..?
I do understand, it's just hard to feel appreciation, or any positive feeling.
>Let them go and find a replacement!
I've tried. It's just that I haven't found one that can, at all.
The only one who _sorta_ did, killed themself, so.. "Yay".
My brain feels mushy, I can't really think right now.
My words/thoughts die out too quickly, and I instantly lose my "line" of thought.
>Once you find that one thing you love, your goal.. your mission with life..
I'm not sure if I can fight until then.
>I was in the national guard, and I loved it.
It's good for you, that you found something.
I would feel envious, if I wasn't so empty.
>What is it that you truely want?
Less pain in my life.
>Get a dog?
That used to be my "goal", when I was at the hospital.
A puppy. I don't even want that anymore. Not right now.
I don't know what's wrong.
I can't even describe how I feel right now.
>I said it was a Big tasty cake!
Perhaps for you, but if my tasting buds are dead, then why even bother to make the cake.
>>17332297
(Part one)
Okay, just as a notice.. That picture.. really turned me on.. and I'm sorry, it's not the time to say that but.. yeah.. :/
>No. That person left in the end, for selfish reasons.
Wasnt the person close enough to give you hope in finding a good friend then?
>I do understand
Understanding is good enough.
>I've tried.
I feel stupid saying these common phrases that I know myself just isnt what you want to hear because it's so old.. but.. it's the truth..
You just have to keep trying. And I know, you might not see a point in doing so, but there is a point. And you know it, that's why you havent made up your mind yet.
You're just affraid of the future, which I understand..Affraid of the pain is your largest fear, I suppose?
Well, it will go away and not be able to hurt you.. And that is what you want, is it not? (Apply cake comparison.. Is it more clear now?)
>I'm not sure
I am sure. Everyone, including you, has a purpose. And everyone finds it, if they just keep searching.
>I would feel envious
About loving to carry used toilet paper in your pockets? :) Though seriously, you will find it too.. Just like I said just a few rows up, we all serve a purpose.
Hell. Even my mother does.. She forged me into what I am today. Without that childhood, who knows if I wanted to be the person who stands between armed people who believe themselves to have the right to hurt unarmed people simply because they disagree with something?
>Less pain in my life.
Once again, easier said than done but... Go make it reality then! Go find what would make you feel less pain in life, and do it! And don't say "take my life". Because you just said "in my life". Taking you life would end it, thus not less pain in your life. Truth be told, you'd most likely just end up causing more pain in your last moments.
And, that's not what you want..
>>17332297
(Part two)
>That used to be my "goal"
Well, when you're feeling better, maybe try to re-evaluate that goal then and see if you want to get one then?
>Perhaps for you, but if my tasting buds are dead, then why even bother to make the cake.
Glass half full, friend. Glass half full.
>>17332354
>really turned me on
Wow. First thing to actually make me smile.
>Wasnt the person close enough to give you hope in finding a good friend then?
I don't know. I never thought about that, and right now I can't decide if it's a "yes", or a "no".
>Affraid of the pain is your largest fear, I suppose?
I'm afraid of pain, yes. There's no pain in death. Simple as that.
>person who stands between armed people
Sounds pretty suicidal, if you ask me.
/I made another joke, look at that./
>Taking you life would end it, thus not less pain in your life. Truth be told, you'd most likely just end up causing more pain in your last moments.
That's true, but if I can't achieve it, then No Pain In Death, sounds like a clear choice.
---
Last post.
I just want to say Thank You, to those who wrote on the thread.
Even if it didn't make me feel better, or at all, it actually kept me occupied enough to not try anything.
Right now I'm so exhausted that I can finally lay down to rest.
Even if I am suicidal, I know it will change, my mood always does.
I would regret it by then.
I speak of this as in third person, because that's nowhere near where I am now, even though I am aware of it.
Which is probably why I even wrote here.
>Hates myself more often than I care to admit.
Real hope and motivation, eh?......
>>17332376
Salute for you, friend.
And good night.
-Thresh signing out.
I know this thread is closed, since OP post the last post I just want to say: Thanks to all you.
I came here looking for an advice on considerations before committing suicide and methods which won't make a mess but are still painless (I am considering hanging).
To be honest, I haven't gotten rid of my suicidal idea, but reading how someone is as tired of this emotional psin/suffer as I am, how that person is tired of people telling "I will always be there" (the only person who will care about you, always, is yourself), tired of trusting others just to see how they betray you (or how they replace you after being your "best friends"). I wish I could cried, but I haven't cried since my 16. I would like to cry, I really want! Feeling all this sadness and sorrow, crying could be a relief, but I just keep adding them up to me queue, and as the time go it's getting heavier and heavier.
In the last couple of days I've been thinking about my death, planning, looking for a good date, etc, I just realize (this may have no sense to some) how alleviating it feels picturing everything, like "you are tired of all of this, but you are finally watching and ending coming). It's like a relief, like" all this pain will end soon".
The truth is, I won't do it any soon (as I said before, I set up a date). There are a couple of things I'd like to take care of first in order to minimize the problems that will be left behind me.
I thanked all of you because: 1) read a person who feels about people and live the same day I do; 2) helped me easing my mind (I wasn't able to sleep)
