My bf's snapchat behavior is upsetting me. I don't know how to talk to him about it, so that's the reason for this thread.
My bf has female best friend since elementary. She's so chill, she's been really genuine with me. And never deemed a threat at all. My boyfriend told me right from the beginning, that he has no attraction to her at all, and that's really just one person I should never feel jealous of. His actions have reinforced this, we've been together for years and I never got bad vibes.
Sometimes we all go out. Sometimes my bf just goes out with her for lunch and shit, and by sometimes, I mean like once every few weeks to months. It varies, really.
More recently, he's always posting photos of her when they're out with each other. My bf always jokes that she's slutty/high class/self-obsessed, etc. Like, it's kinda a lasting joke that he does with her. Also, a lot of his friends like her, so he always posts her on snapchat for all his bros to see for whatever the fuck reason.
But like, he posted a really provocative photo of her body captioned "who can guess who I'm with?"
And I'm really just dying inside. Lines have been crossed. I also called him to talk just now, and he said he was eating dinner with her, then his story showed that he was done with dinner like an hour ago.
I'm trying really hard not to be insecure, but I just can't right now. She's with someone right now too tho, but like I don't even know how to handle this or what to say. My boyfriend is always stupidly perverted on social media which I'm fine with. Usually not with irl women tho What do?
>>17321271
>She's with someone right now too th
I meant she's dating someone. Read it and it sounded weird.
>>17321271
time to give your man the hard word: tell him he is spending too much time with her and not enough with you. it sounds like she is manipulating all your time together. so you see less and less of each other friend or not.
>>17321283
My bf and I see each other like 5-6 times a week. He sees her significantly less, but like throws a social media party of pictures whenever he sees her.
He almost never posts me on social media. I'm not even mad at her. It honestly makes me feel like he's not proud of being with me.
>>17321301
Also, knowing him, he's gonna probably tell her about it if I talk to him about it. Which is embarrassing.
>>17321271
Was in a relationship similar to you with the genders reversed OP, my ex repeatedly told me not to worry about a good guy friend of hers, that he was "like a brother", that I was still the one sleeping next to her at the end of the night, all that.
Well, she's dating him now, basically left me for him. I'm over it, but I'll never put myself in that situation again. I don't think she outright lied to me, necessarily, but I do also believe that opposite sex relationships are slaves to human biology whether we like it or not.
To elaborate: I have two female friends who are very physically attractive to me. I don't have any intention on making a move and I'm not a beta orbiter, it's extremely platonic in both cases. But like I said, it's not like I don't not notice that I'm attracted to them and that we share this very deep bond. I don't know. Hopefully you see where I'm going with this.
I don't know your bf so I don't know what his intentions are. But I think you need to make this discomfort clear to him. It's not clingy, it's honest.
>>17321319
I dunno, I always thought that if something were to happen, it would have happened already. We're in our late 20's. Been together 6 years. Why would he all of a sudden start being like this with her? She's also really attractive, I'm not gonna lie. But I'm not even saying I'm ugly. I know I'm attractive too.
Also, he just called me back and we talked like normal.
The thing that bothers me the most is the social media shit. My boyfriend will fucking crop me out of photos, never tag me if we're out together. He shows he's in a relationship online, he only follows his friends and they all know me, are friends with me, and stuff. But he absolutely refuses to acknowledge me online.
Yet, he posts a picture of her body like that. And can't even tag me in a photo when he says he's out somewhere? We went to fucking theme parks for our anniversary and he didn't even say he's with me on social media. He has dinner with his female friend and there's like six photos of their one hour dinner together.
It's just like, what the fuck am I to him? A background hand in a photo...?
>>17321330
lol you getting cucked
>>17321333
So what do I even do? Break up with him because he doesn't want to be seen actually with me online?
I don't even know what his reasons are. Before he's said shit to me like he doesn't share much because what we do together is personal. He almost never used to be on social media. He hated it. Now he's on it constantly, and has left me in the dust, basically.
>>17321330
>>17321319 here again.
Some people are weird about posting their relationship (or more specifically, their partner) on social media. Even for long term, perfectly stable couples, it can just make for an awkward, hurtful ending if things end and you've both got your ex plastered all over your profiles. I'm sure other people have different reasons too. My ex used to make posts with me in them all the time, I noticed she doesn't do it as much with her current bf. We live in strange, transient times.
Maybe ask him about it that way, frame the conversation more as why he never seems to post about you. Don't mention her specifically. It doesn't have to be about her. But also, best not to get too wrapped up in the social media paranoia.
>>17321341
I feel really confuse. We see each other often, we are affectionate, even passionate together. Do stuff together all the time. I just don't fucking understand his online persona.
And it really just seems like he's acting fucking single. And I'm tired of it.
>>17321271
Let me tell you as a virile male that I do not believe in having true friendships with people from the opposite sex. Most of the time the guy or girl fancies someone then they become friends. It will always remain at the back of their heads. Don't doubt for a moment that your bf does not think the same about her friend. Of course he will never admit it though.
>>17321333
This.
>>17321347
I mean, that's generally how I felt about that before.
But like, when you're posting the body of a hot girl and saying "guess who I'm with?" it kinda feels like all that goes out the window.
>>17321341
He's having sex with her, you're the side piece
>childhood friend
And its not the first time
>>17321359
And how do I even find that out for sure?
>>17321367
He's taking her out for dinner while you're at home posting on 4chan
Have some dignity and just end it
>>17321359
>>17321367
This is not necessarily true. However, he probably treats her as an extremely trusted female confidant, at the very least, which as another female (not to mention his fucking girlfriend), I would view as somewhat of a red flag.
There's nothing wrong with this setup if he makes it clear to you there's boundaries. But it's also a bit of of a catch 22 in a sense that if he doesn't actually have any sexual or romantic feelings towards her, you could be potentially putting that idea into his head and it won't ever go away.
>>17321349
Yeah, dude, his behavior is way inappropriate.
>But like, he posted a really provocative photo of her body captioned "who can guess who I'm with?"
"Lines have been crossed" is completely on-point. Now's not the time for a deep, heart-to-heart talk where
>he's completely flabbergasted that his behavior was making you feel insecure
>he reassures you that everything's on the level but acknowledges that your feelings were reasonable
>you act forgiving and understanding, he's contrite and promises to change his behavior
The time for that conversation was maybe a couple weeks ago, but now it's passed. Posting a provocative photo of her wasn't OK and he should have known better. Now's the time you to say, "Okay, I don't know what's going on between you and [girl], but it's out of control."
Mention that
- cropping you out of photos, going radio silent on your anniversary, basically acting on social media like you don't exist, and then posting a bajillion photos of [girl] every time he hangs out with her, all makes you feel like shit
- that one photo he posted crossed a fucking line and he should have known better
- he's never given you reason to doubt him (or his friend) before but now you're starting to question that
>>17321371
Actually, our plans were unfortunately cancelled because I had to work. This is usually our date night. Well, we usually go out almost every night.
>>17321375
And this is why I don't know what to say or how to talk about it.
>>17321379
Thank you for this, that really organizes my thoughts on what to say.
>>17321382
Its already poisoned your perception of him, its over
But don't take my word for it if you don't believe me but remember I tried to save you some unneeded suffering
When i got engaged to my husband the first thing i did was make him cut off contact to a very close female friend of his. This girl did sleep with everyone in his dorm BUT him (allegedly). I can trust my husband half-way but I most certainly could not trust her. Men are as weak and prone to following their fee-fees as women are. I would have to be able to trust he could keep it in his pants after rough periods in our relationship. Which is like...
Do you remember that fable about the scorpion and the frog?
Anyways, ultimatum time. Depending on how attached they are I would just dump him.
>>17321405
I bet the other girl was hotter than you
>>17321379
Okay, so this is the route I'm going to take. He wants to talk tonight on the phone. Should I save it for when we're together? We're seeing each other tomorrow. Should I talk about it on the phone now? How do I start talking about it? Because he thinks all is fine and dandy right now.
I'm an over thinker, I guess, on processes like this. I just want to achieve optimal results at getting my feelings across..
>>17321418
it's arguable, not that it makes a difference. strange pussy is strange pussy. I'm looking out for my marriage's best interests. You'd do the same if your s.o.'s best friend was chad thundercock.
>>17321271
Too much nonsense drama, just leave him already. He doesn't sound like a man, stay with him if you wanna deal with that dumb highschool bs drama.
>>17321461
>implying that lonely basement dwelling tripfag wizard has a s.o.
Just be yourself!! :D
>>17321466
>doesn't sound like a man
Elaborate and share how much you bench or make per year please.
>>17321455
I'm gonna be real fucking honest here. I haven't felt insecure about anyone regarding my boyfriend in like, maybe 4-5 years. At the beginning years of our relationship.
And when things like this came up, it always ended up in an argument. He generally would dismiss my feelings in the moment, tell me I'm being insecure over nothing. And get frustrated when I didn't like the way he reacted to my feelings.
I don't know how he'll respond now. We haven't had arguments like this, as I said, in such a long fucking time. Also, it's over a girl who we also hang out with on the regular too. So it's like, kind of an all or nothing argument that I don't know how to fucking start.
>>17321474
Why you sound so butthurt? You can have a high income and be strong with whatever the hell you bench but still act like an immature man child.
I'm assuming that hurt your ego or something. Grow the hell up, it's the the fucking internet. Stop being so defensive, people like you that get "triggered" is annoying. It's an advice thread not argue about your pathetic manhood through the internet.
>>17321475
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't put up with a relationship like that.
>>17321455
Personally I'd wait and talk to him in person -- just sending him a polite text along the lines of, "Thank you for being willing to talk, but I'd rather hold off on this conversation until we can do it face-to-face." (If you haven't told him that you want to talk about something serious at all, then you can preface "I'd rather hold off ... etc etc" with "I have something serious to talk about and ...")
I don't want to slap a straightjacket on your conversation, obviously you can put all this in your own voice if it sounds like shit you'd never say. Basically just articulate your concerns and complaints in a civil but firm manner. But if having a script to follow will help you, once he's sitting expectantly in front of you waiting for your spiel, I'd open by saying something like:
"I need to talk to you about your friendship with [girl]."
Hit these points, in this order:
"I know when we started dating you told me I never had to worry about her, that you saw her like a sister, and your friendship never bothered me because the way you acted always seemed to back that up, which is why I have no problem with you hanging out with her alone. BUT, lately your behavior's been very different. Every time you go out with her, you end up posting tons of pictures on social media about it. Whenever we go out together you literally crop me out of your photos and you hardly ever post about the things we do together, not even on our anniversary. That feels absolutely horrible, like you're ashamed of me or something." [change that if those aren't your exact feelings: "like I'm just just wallpaper to you" or whatever] "Also," [showing him that one provocative picture], "I really don't understand how you thought posting a photo like this was okay. This is a really provocative picture. Posting something like this for all your friends to see, with that caption, is incredibly humiliating to me."
Sorry for writing so much, cont'd
>>17321475
If he acts dismissive, calmly point out what he's doing and explain to him how undervalued it makes you feel. Just be completely open and honest with him. If it's not too cheesy for your taste, you could write a letter to read off to him to make sure you address every issue/reduce chances of misunderstandings.
Also I would definitely wait to talk to him in person so you can gauge each other's reactions more effectively and have each other's full attention.
Make you sure you say something like:
"I have no problem with you having female friends, and I never thought I'd have any reason to worry about you and [girl], but I am worried now. I want to hear whatever you have to say about this, but I have to let you know that I'm not okay with how things have been lately."
IF HE IS UNDERSTANDING AND CONTRITE AND IMMEDIATELY PROMISES TO CHANGE:
I really wouldn't go for an immediate cuddle-and-make-up, it's fine to let him see that this has been really bothering you, but obviously don't be an ass. I'd forgive him on a provisional basis, giving him time to demonstrate that he's actually going to change his behavior.
IF HE'S SYMPATHETIC BUT DEFENDS HIS BEHAVIOR (i.e. "I don't post pictures of you on social media because I feel like our relationship should be private. I swear to god there's nothing between me and this girl"):
Again don't yell or interrupt him, let him have his say, but tell him that while you accept that that's how it seems to him, you'll just never feel that way and the way he's acting is really hurting you. Stand your ground.
IF HE GETS ANGRY/DEFENSIVE ("I can't believe this, don't you trust me? I thought we were past this by now"):
Huge red flag. End the conversation. Get away and seriously think about the relationship.
I'm not saying I'd throw away a 6-yo relationship just like that, but that would make me question it, and I wouldn't be shy about letting him know that, which hopefully will provide the shock he needs to get his head out of his ass. That is, if there's really nothing going on there.
Again sorry for writing so much, but if you tend to stress about this stuff I hope having something to go off of helps. Best of luck.
Also, obviously feel free to elaborate on any of the things I wrote, and if he wants to say something then it's OK to let him, but don't let him interrupt you or derail the conversation totally. Obviously real conversations don't always proceed exactly the way they're planned.
>>17321529
This is also good advice.
>>17321534
Don't apologize at all, this was unbelievably helpful.
When things like this happen with me, I become so clouded with emotions and my mind gets fuzzy, I never stay on topic and assert my point until the end.
Effective communication in relationships is hard for me. I personally think bf and I have gotten better at it, but I know this is gonna be a really sensitive topic, so thank you.
>>17321552
I'm very glad it was helpful. I was kinda getting the sense that this kind of thing was stressful for you, which is why I wrote the novel. Again best of luck, and I hope it all goes well (or at least as well as a sensitive conversation like this can reasonably be expected to go.)
