Hey /adv/, I don't know how fast this board moves so going to post here, stay a while and hope it's still around in about 12 hours when I'm awake again, but there's some pretty heavy shit coming up.
>Been lonely, a bit retarded and down all my life
>Mostly had no friends until 11 (Year 4)
>Teacher introduced me to fellow loner, J
>Cool guy, we stuck together every day for a year and a half
>We made other friends together, they bullied me for next six months
>Start of high school
>J and I cool again
>Other guys went to different schools
>J and I make friends with a few others, have a good group
>Had a good year, started getting into IT
>Year 8 comes around, all going well
>Late in the year find out school is closing, we have to move to another place
>Finish up the year, most of the nerd friends and I going to the same place
>Got pretty close to a girl that year as well, Q, who introduced me to other scene girls with daddy issues who became close
>Christmas Eve that year
>Poorfag, no smartphone and only iPod
>Talking to best friend, L, on Kik who I met elsewhere
>Family wants to go with other family for dinner
>L tells me she needs me, I tell her I'll be a few hours and to hang in there
>Get home after a long night
>Message L
>No reply
>Later found out she killed herself
>Messes me up bad
>14 at the time
>Do shitloads of heroin
>Nearly OD
>End up on medication for depression
>Year 9 rolls around
>At new school, much bigger and see a few old friends
>Fit in okay with nerd friends
>Get robbed at knifepoint and beaten a few times early in the year
>Continues through the year
>End up with severe anxiety
>More medication
>Too scared to be alone in public in most places
>Nerd friend introduces me to cute grill A
>Talk to A regularly, standard stuff
>A introduces me to N and S
>Become very close with N very quickly
>Only person I could get close to after L
>End up on phone in all spare time
>Really love N
>N hooks me up with S who had a huge crush on me
Cont, not pretyped
>>17312937
Oh dear
It's like a sad movie. ;-;
>>17312937
This gets much darker
>Relationship doesn't work out, I'm overly attached and S moves away
>Still very close to N through it all, much more than S
>Things get toxic between us
>Constant crying and insanity every day
>this goes on for over a year
>Constantly drinking and smoking grass
>Develop Schizophrenia
>More medication and therapy
>One day N tells me she wants me dead
>She's trying to get involved with hard drugs
>Tell her it's me or the drugs
>She makes her call
>Destroys me
>End up talking to A more and more after she stops talking to S because of fights
>She becomes my closest friend
>16 at this point
>At a house party
>Watch a girl overdose on heroin and die
>Messes me up a lot
>Go home after interviews
>Never say a word
>A tells me one day she's moving across to the other side of the country
>Puts me in a deeper hole
>School tells me not to return because I constantly have dyed hair/piercings and go to the back of the oval for cigs
>Go to an adult education centre
>Make one friend, R
>End up friendly with other students and a few teachers
>R hates me after the year where I stopped coming in person, never got a reason
>17, start of this year
>Go for orientation for online classes
>Meet two really cool chicks, B and H
>End up dating H three days later but very close to B
>Date H from Feb to April, she dumps me because she figured out she could do better
>Also use A's Facebook to talk to N a day or two after breakup under A's identity
>N says she honestly doesn't care or think about me anymore and thought I'd be the same
>Really messes me up again
>Next night
>See shit in my room, hear things
>Arm myself with a knife
>Text sister and ask her what to do
>Everyone else was sleeping
>Her and brother in law pick me up
>Take me to their house
>Have an insane stutter
>Still have it
>Booked for an MRI, suspected mini stroke
>Days later we all finalise moving on together (Mother, stepfather, older and younger sister (3), brother in law and infant nephew)
>>17312981
Gets far worse
>Find out great grandfather has passed
>Soon after two other family members
>Life seems okay for a bit after that though
>Big house with the family, actually want to live life
>Mid May
>Find out over Facebook that closest cousin died
>She was an amputee and PTSD sufferer
>Saved a lot of lives too, would link a blog but comprises my info
>Her cont of a sister told Facebook before the family
>Nearly enough to push me over the edge, take a day out to get my mind off of things
>Get home
>Hang with family for a bit
>Go to my room for a wank
>Then I hear the screaming
>Mum is unconscious on the deck where we all chill
>Others were inside
>I have to watch infant nephew and younger sister during it all
>Watch my mother die through the window while fighting off panic attacks and keeping sister calm who wanted to go outside
>Nearly pass out several times
>Felt like hours
>Medics give up
>Stay with the body until she's taken
>Get flashbacks all the time
>Moved out of the house, in with my grandparents
>Hadn't even turned 18 yet
>Constantly on 3 hours sleep maximum
>Can't sleep after what I've seen
>Before she died, Mum told me a close friend has cancer
>Not meant to know
>Nobody else knows
>Can't tell anybody
That's the important part of it, but on my 18th birthday I got one of her tattoos. Now I'm over it. I can't stand to live with any of it. It's unfair to off myself and let the few that care suffer, but I want to take any possible chance no matter how small to be with her again and I don't know what to do. Guess part of it was wanting to get it all off my chest...
>>17313009
this is just the beggining.
the fun part of it all is, if you ever get your life back, you'll value every single second of it so much, much more.
also repeat all of this to a psychiatrist. fucking do it. im probably going to have to be drugged for the rest of my life myself, but im lucky enough to not need to live a normal life to enjoy it, you though, i dont know you - the earlier the better.
i personally lived through 10 years of pretty much constant anxiety. i mean, 24/7. i mean, literally non stop. nobody knew about it. if mom knew about it, maybe i wouldnt be here now (and if mom was around lmao)
roll with the punches. if you survive, they'll make you that much more agile. shit comparsion but you get the point.
you know all these starbucks selfie babes complaining about their nail polish?
in the end, you win. if you ever feel down, dont ever keep it inside of you if you feel you cant take it. i didnt really have anyone, but you live in a first world country i assume, use the opportunity.
