How do I get my boyfriend to be more open about watching porn/masturbating?
I used his laptop recently and saw in his history his porn. When I asked him about it, he denied denied denied, "Who put that there, who used my laptop, wasn't me, no way". I've found his used tissues in the bedroom and asked him to be tidier when jerking it, "I wasn't masturbating!! Are you sure those aren't from when we has sex!?" I watch porn myself and masturbate often (read: daily) and am open and not shy with him about it.
I want him to know he can be honest with me and I won't be upset, or mad, in fact it kinda turns me on. He doesn't hide it, but he denies watching it and even jerking off. The porn he watches isn't anything crazy, and I'd be more than willing to put it on and even act it out while watching it together. How do I get him to be more open about it with me?
>>17306037
>I want him to know he can be honest with me and I won't be upset, or mad, in fact it kinda turns me on
You answered yourself.
Tell him this.
If he can't be honest with you about the fact that he jerks off, thinks what else he must be hiding. Who would want to be with someone who can't be open about EVERYTHING? Be honest with him, and if he still denies it, find a real man. Otherwise, you're settling, and deserve the consequences.
>>17306049
Have said this before to him. The first time I found his porn I sat him down on the couch and told him it turned me on and ended up jumping his bones then and there to further prove my point. Now, a few months later, it's like I never said anything...
>>17306065
That's what I was kinda thinking. It's all pretty vanilla porn anyway (blowjobs, handjobs, cumshots, etc) so it's not like I'd be upset, hell I even wanna act it out for him. This is the second time I try talking to him about it and he gets flustered and denies everything. Even the wads of crusty tissue lol.
>>17306037
>I watch porn myself and masturbate often
Let him watch you
>in fact it kinda turns me on
Tell him that.
>>17306079
I've tried telling him it turns me on, I even sat him down and talked about it and gave him a bj haha..
I haven't tried masturbating/watching porn and letting him watch me though. I guess I could try that. I just feel like he's been so sexually repressed or something that he thinks it's shameful or whatever to touch himself to naked people.
>>17306123
He probably had some traumatic childhood events that makes masturbating taboo.
I'm with the other anons though, mutual masturbation is the way to go. Sit him down with some porn and tell him you're going to masturbate, but he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to, and he can't touch you. He just gets to watch. If that boy isn't ripping off his clothes to play with his own dick by then he might really be gay lol.
I'm the same way as your boyfriend.
Some things, especially fantasies are something for you and only yourself.
He's probably a great guy because he understands that gawking at others in a relationship CAN BE a disrespectful, hurtful thing or can spawn jealousy.
If he doesn't want to share it- don't pry, because it would do more harm than good. We all need our alone time, escapes and fun by ourselves. He does not need to share EVERYTHING with you and he obviously does not want to. Drop it.
>>17306166
>He does not need to share EVERYTHING with you
PROTIP: That's what you have to do in a successful relationship. You can't have dark spots. At the very least he (or you if you have or will ever be in a normal relationship) should explain what the hang up is instead of lying to his girlfriend's face about it. Minor lies for seemingly mundane reasons are still lies and you can't maintain a relationship that way.
>>17306177
Ita not a "dark spot", it's called privacy. Also important in a relationship.
>>17306166
This anon is right. Just leave him be. He lied because he doesn't want to talk about it and that's understandable. Not everything needs to be shared. If you want to control his fantasies you're probably not right for him.
>>17306177
Does your gf hold your hand when you shit too? Or would being alone ruin your relationship?
>>17306182
And he's entitled to his privacy, so long as he's not lying about it.
Stop projecting.
>>17306037
Did you tell him that?
You want be mad, do the same thing, and even find it hot and you're just curious? Sounds like every guys dream
>>17306192
And this is why you shouldn't take relationship advice from someone with a waifu.
>>17306166
>>17306189
I understand he might not want to share everything but at least have the decency to not lie about it when I happen to come across things that are painfully obvious indicators..
>>17306177
>should explain what the hang up is instead of lying
I would be happy with just this! If he told me straight up "Yes, I do that sometimes, but I'd rather not talk about it, it's personal" I would understand and back off.
>>17306195
Here's a screenshot from this morning. I brought it up because of the tissues.
And the "injury" is from rough sex with not enough lube on the weekend. It's also curious how I specifically said "we'll put on one of those videos" implying the ones he was watching, and he said I dunno instead of straight denial. Maybe he's less shy behind his phone.
>>17306268
Pic didn't attach for some reason. Stupid mobile.
>>17306268
>Maybe he's less shy behind his phone.
Isn't everyone?
P.S. you dropped your picture.
>>17306270
Thanks for the heads up haha :)
>>17306269
get diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease you fucking normalshit
>>17306065
>le slippery slope
>>17306349
haha :)
You guys are fucking imbiciles that don't know how to read people at all.
Listen up orangutan tits
He's either closed off or shy about it because some men have a private thing they like to call their imagination.
Of course he's going to be more open about it on his telephone because you're a psycho bitch obsessed with porn and he obviously is not.
Of course he's fibbing to you. He knows. He knows you know. It's just an excuse because he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about it. I'm sure you've told lies to make him feel comfortable too, if not, you still need to understand from these situations HE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT and you need to stop disrespecting that you prying cunt.
As other anon suggested, maybe it's something he wants to do for himself. After you texted him, was he straight to the point saying "SURE ILL WATCH PORN WITH YOU!!"
No.
He's wishes washy about it because it makes him uncomfortable.
If you keep pestering him, you're going to make him even more uncomfortable and that will build resentment.
Just fucking drop it you god damned harpy. Why is this so important to you? Your sex life seems fine and if you're not a brainless fucking dolt you can get off together without it. He obviously can with you.
>Maybe it's not him with the problem here
>>17306177
Don't be ridiculous. Maybe that's your model for a successful relationship. t's not everybody's. If I stumbled across some secret of my fiancee's (a harmless one like this, not evidence of cheating etc) and she was clearly uncomfortable even talking about it, I'd fucking respect that and not keep pushing, pushing, pushing at her. Part of being a good partner (hell, just being a mature adult) is knowing when to back off & trust that your partner will open up about things like that when they're ready to.
>>17306413
watch out bro your projecting is showing.
>>17306478
Not really. His post was harsh, but basically spot-on in explaining how her boyfriend probably feels about this, and "this isn't NEED TO KNOW information for you, so if you care about him, back off already and stop being so aggressive" is exactly the advice she needs to hear.
>>17306478
Projecting isn't an argument, but yeah. It is how my relationship is successful. Thanks for noticing you lonely little gremlin
>>17306490
this
>>17306413
Someone's a bit angry for whatever reason.
I'm not trying to pry into his life or anything. These are things that I discovered without going through his stuff, without snooping. I mean, I find his damn tissues on our bedroom floor.
I'm not obsessed with porn, I'm not psycho, and I'm not a brainless fucking idiot. The issue isn't the fact that he looks at porn, that he masturbates, it's the fact that he FLAT OUT LIES TO ME about it. I don't give a shit if he said "Yes, I do that, now fuck off and don't bring it up again it's private" but he doesn't even acknowledge it, he even tries to pretend like his friends go watch porn on his phone. I'm not fucking stupid, which is why this is so frustrating.
I would never mention it again if he would just be honest with me about it, just once. I have a problem with him lying when it's clear as day and he does a half-assed job to hide it.
It's not the porn, it's not the masturbating, it's not the fact that he doesn't want to share it with me that I am unhappy about. I just want him to be honest and open and just not lie about doing those things.
>>17306518
Okay, so you found his personal stuff... then you questioned him about it, like you had a responsibility to do so?
If you don't want him to lie to you about it, don't ask him questions pertaining to issues that ARE NOT AT ALL related to you. You sound like a fucking infant who gets mad that some fat kid refuses to share his candy with you.
Does he question you about your period and pull your tampons out of the trash?
Get over it, for fucks sake. You found his boundary, now either respect it or dump the guy.
>>17306518
Man, this website is a cesspool, every third post here is like that. Filter out the hyperbole and you'll get useful advice.
>I just want him to be honest and open and just not lie about doing those things.
He could not be telling you "THIS CONVERSATION IS DEEPLY UNPLEASANT FOR ME AND I NEED IT TO BE OVER" any clearer, even if he shouted like I just did. How can you possibly not be getting that? If and when you get married, you'll both have the right to draw different boundaries in the relationship if you want as a condition of getting married, and if "we can have no secrets, ever, from each other" is one of them then so be it. As of now you're boyfriend-girlfriend and he's simply not obligated to talk to you about this. You act like he is but he's not.
Who knows why he's so cagey and evasive about it? Maybe he was molested as a child and acting 100% on his own sexual urges (as opposed to having mutual sex with another person) feels shameful to him. Maybe he was taught that porn was filthy and it's harder for him to get past that mentally than he thought it would be. Maybe he's just neurotic, the way almost all of us are about something, and this is just his particular kind of neuroticism. Who knows. It's his business. It's a little weird but not a Class A Secret that he's obligated to tell you about right fucking now, and if you want him to trust you enough to open up about it eventually what you need to do is stop pressuring him. Christ. You think you're creating a comfortable environment for him to open up about this but the truth couldn't be any farther from that.
>>17306526
>pull your tampons out of the trash
You're comparing me picking up his self-love tissues off our floor to him grabbing tampons out of the garbage? I could understand if I left them on the floor but that doesn't really sound like a good comparison.
I never asked about it at the beginning of our relationship but now that we live together it's starting to be noticeable, so I asked him about it. Masturbating, watching porn, IS NOT AN ISSUE. Lying about it when asked? Yeah that's an issue!
If he wants to set up boundaries, then he needs to acknowledge what he's doing and set it. "Yes I watch porn, no I don't want to share it with you, please stop asking" and I would let it go.
>>17306544
>and if "we can have no secrets, ever, from each other" is one of them then so be it
He has said before that he does not want secrets between us. He has said many times that he does not keep secrets from me. I don't care if he wants to be secretive about his porn or masturbating, but don't lie about it.
We live together now, that's a bit of a game changer. When we didn't live together it didn't affect me, it didn't matter, I didn't see it. Now I see it on the laptop we mutually use, I see tissues left in our mutual bedroom, obviously I'd confront him about it sooner or later.
>>17306544
>>17306526
those
>>17306566
See, I honestly don't think he is the problem any longer. You're the problem in the situation because you won't give the guy any fucking space about something he is obviously not comfortable sharing.
"ITS NOT AN ISSUE of him doing it! It's an ISSUE THAT HE WON'T CONFESS HIS DARK SECRETS TO ME LIKE I'M A CATHOLIC PRIEST." Not to mention you found the browser history, on his computer. You found the cum-rags, you know what they are, but yet you go all NAZI patrol and have to investigate.
You getting it yet?
Not op but I just think it's funny how this thread went from "Get him to open up OP, throw yourself at him, if he doesn't like it dump him" to "Op is a psychotic bitch who doesn't give her bf space"
Clear indicators any advice given here is to be taken with a grain of salt. I see the logic in both sides: yes he deserves his privacy, but she also deserves that if he doesn't want her to ask make damn sure there's no evidence for her to ask about. Simple. None of my gfs ever found my stash or my crusty tissues.
>>17306592
>yes he deserves his privacy, but she also deserves that if he doesn't want her to ask make damn sure there's no evidence for her to ask about
Now that we are living together it's like he's gotten lazy for hiding it, which is why I asked him about it. I didn't know and didn't care to know before. It didn't change anything in my life. Now I'm finding stuff and I got curious, so sue me.
>>17306574
>He has said before that he does not want secrets between us. He has said many times that he does not keep secrets from me.
So he's being a bit of a hypocrite. Listen, I'm not defending his behavior as 100% unimpeachably perfect, this isn't a game of "Who Has the Moral High Ground?" I am telling you what you, as his girlfriend, should do here, and what you should do is figure that your boyfriend, who by and large I assume is a decent guy and not especially prone to lying or hypocrisy, probably has a reason for acting this way. Maybe it's a good reason that'll justify his behavior completely once it comes out (i.e. sexual abuse in his past), maybe it'll be something silly that only seemed huge to him or even something undefinable ("I don't know why, I was just so ashamed of it, I tried but I literally couldn't talk about it for a long time.")
The right thing to do in your situation, with the tissues and so on, is to say, "Look, sweetie, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS UNTIL YOU WANT TO, but for whatever reason there's tissues all over our bedroom and dude, you need to pick them up. OK! I love you lots." And then let it go -- until he comes to you about it, which he probably will as your relationship continues to mature and he feels safe enough to do so -- and stop being so prickly over the fact that, yes, he told you a small, basically harmless lie. And feel grateful his Big Secret isn't something a hell of a lot worse.
>>17306605
Look, if you want to make him more comfortable about it, try this:
When you're both on the couch watching a movie, go grab the laptop, without saying anything, and then start watching porn like it's no big deal. You'll be able to judge his reaction, and who knows, it may turn into a kink.
Until then, just give him some space. Sure, you deserve to have an honest person, after you're married, but you don't own the guy and it's his body. Otherwise, tell him to conceal it better if he is uncomfortable sharing it because it is beginning to make you uncomfortable because he is.
Problem solved.
Find out when does he watch porn, interrupt him, and finish it for him.
>>17306619
We've been together for nearly 4 years, I guess I just thought at this point he would be comfortable with me about something like this... I took him leaving his stuff around as a sign that he might not care that I know. I guess that's why I was so surprised and annoyed when I asked and he lied about it.
>>17306624
>conceal it better if he is uncomfortable sharing it because it is beginning to make you uncomfortable because he is
Great idea. I mentioned to him that he leaves his stuff around for me to find, but he went into denial mode. I'll try the laptop/porn suggestion, but I'll also tell him if he's that uncomfortable I'll leave it, just that I'd like him to be honest next time.
>>17306627
I'd rather not interrupt him that might make him more uncomfortable.
>>17306444
>it's wrong to ask someone why they're LYING TO YOUR FACE
>stop being so immature anon, people have secrets, who cares if he's lying about them
I'm fucking convinced all the people giving advice in here have never been in a relationship in their lives.
>>17306656
Everyone lies you fucking dolt. Are you some kind of truthful martyr?
Even people who lie and are caught know they have been; but some things are difficult to talk about.
Are you a sociopath that deserves to know everything too?
Sounds pretty insecure to me.
Do you ask your girlfriend about all her shits? If she lied about it would it hurt your feelings?
Some things are not easy to talk about and although lying is morally wrong, things like this are harmless.
It's not like we're excusing a cheating person here, lies like that are unacceptable but any person knows a person can say the wrong thing.
Especially when they're put on the spot
And obsessed about
And asked to confess.
>>17306656
>misrepresent your position into something silly
>y'all a bunch of bitter virgins
Oh, enough of this already.
>>17306682
This entire post and really the whole tone of this thread says more about all of you than it says about anyone saying "people shouldn't lie".
Why do you keep talking about taking shits? What's this anal fixation? Nobody has ever lied to anyone about pooping before you idiot. And it's less about "lying is wrong and everyone deserves everything" and more about "if he's lying about something this petty and pointless, what else might he lie about?"
I get that it's probably an uncomfortable situation for the guy, as I'm sure it would be for you if a normie girl ever asked about your masturbation habits, huh? :^) But lying to your significant other is never the right answer. Fucking ever. There are no justifications, there is no amount of straw-manning and bullshit you can spew to justify two people in a loving healthy relationship lying to each other. That's not how loving healthy relationships work. And there's a fuckhuge difference between I don't want to talk about it and I'm going to make some bullshit up just to get you off my back about it.
What's so difficult to understand chief?
>>17306715
OP Here. Glad someone else shares a similar view on this as I do.
Like you said, there's a huge difference between admitting something and saying it's personal/dont wanna talk about it and lying flat out to someone's face about it.
I don't know how to get him to stop lying about it and just be honest.
>>17306777
That's on him though. He's never gonna come clean unless he wants it. Have you talked it out with him yet? Just make sure he understands that you don't care if he masturbates, you don't care if he doesn't want to talk about it or engage in it when you're around, but you won't abide lying. Because, contrary to what most of the people here seem to believe, lying is a cancer on a relationship no matter what it is or what it's about. He seems to understand that, but there's some sort of serious disconnect because of whatever his issue is with tingling his dingle.
Do what you can, but don't settle for lies. And try not to push too hard, despite the worse opinions, those saying you can push too much and just make it worse are partially right. Be accepting of his weirdness without accepting the lies.
>>17306777
Don't give enough of a shit to read the whole thread, but have you tried asking him why it makes him uncomfortable? Just be straight with him and tell him that it's a bit off-putting that he's being secretive about this, and that it'd make you feel better about the whole situation if there was some kind of explanation.
I do want to say that the line of thinking "if he'll lie about this what else will he lie about?" is an unproductive mindset, and not really how humans operate. If he's lying about this, there is probably some factor that's specific to the topic at hand and not just him holding a policy of "well i can lie about inane shit!"
>>17306715
>Nobody has ever lied to anyone about pooping before you idiot.
Well, this thread went in a memorable direction.
Your armchair psychology ">bitter virgin detected" shit isn't appropriate here. Your understanding of boundaries & relationships is naive. No one is saying that lying is ever acceptable, but claiming that lying about something small like this that makes them seriously, obviously uncomfortable implies that they might lie about other more serious things (ie infidelity) is simply wrong. This board isn't for figuring out who's right or wrong in the blame game, it's for practical advice, and pressuring somebody who's clamming up is not likely to be effective, and it is likely to damage their trust in you. That's not a universal relationship reality -- there are no universals -- but it's close enough.
And before you condescend to me or question whether I've ever been in a relationship: although it's not a pissing contest, I'm nearly-married, madly in love and I've been in this relationship for the better part of a decade, so take your condescension elsewhere.
This is just an odd subject period. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that everything is open to talk about. I mean come on his dick doesn't belong to you so leave him be and just be a good girlfriend.
>>17306785
I have tried talking to him about it, telling him it's totally okay, totally natural, everyone does it, etc.
But you're right, I gotta push more towards him not lying to me than actually bringing up the whole porn/jerking it thing. I'll try to not push hard but it's not easy when you know something for a fact, and it's soo petty and stupid, yet the other party still wants to lie about it.
>>17306789
I was never really worried about him lying about other stuff, but I'll try to ask what makes him so uncomfortable. Unfortunately he's not much of a talking about things/feelings kind of guy. Advice on how to approach this in an understanding way?
>>17306796
As someone who's almost married do you have advice on how to approach this without seeming like I'm pressing the issue?
>>17306869
I'm perhaps similar when it comes to sexual matters, as far as what you've described about him.
So, I would probably feel best if you just approached me about it saying that my secrecy about it is a bit off, and that you understand that perhaps it makes me embarrassed/uncomfortable, but that you're there for me if I ever want to talk about why it is I am embarrassed/uncomfortable about it.
There isn't much more you can do that isn't manipulative, honestly.
This sort of thing was a problem for me with my first serious relationship, and it was one (of several) catalysts that ended it. I was able to slowly get over it with my second one, but it really takes effort from both parties. He'll be ready when he's ready, and (should you want to temporarily overlook this) you should just make sure you're there whenever he's ready.
>>17306037
>tfw my ex-gf was totally mad at me for watching porn and super jelly
She would be jealous of porn actress I've fapped to, search up their photos and ask if they are prettier than her. She would scream at me If I stayed too long under shower because I might have been fapping in there.
She would count the tissues in house, so I was forced to use toilet paper, also olways incognito mode otherwise it would be Armageddon.
Holy shit, OP's boy is lucky, but he probably does not know that and tries to hide his fapping as I did.
>>17306889
Thanks a lot for your reply. I just hope he's willing to put as much effort as I am to get over this whole lying about trivial stuff thing. No one should have to lie about something like this to their S/O.
How did your second girlfriend help get over it?
>>17306907
Haha, I've always been a bit worried that I'd get jealous, but while they're sexy and all, at the end of the day I'm the one with him next to me, so I'm not worried. He can get his appetite during the day as along as he comes home to eat at night. All kinds of puns intended.
>>17306935
Well, I wouldn't care if she masturbated for the same reason, seems that some insecurities were playing the part.
And I think that as long as a guy is satisfied with his pc, he won't look for anything else inrl.
>>17306935
Well, I recognised it as a problem in my last relationship, so I talked to 2nd gf about it and just asked her to be understanding. Unfortunately, this was initiated entirely by myself and my wanting to improve my next relationship quality, so there wasn't really much that she did, except not get offended at my awkwardness. It eventually become pretty second nature, but I'm still a bit awkward intimately, and it'll probably have to be overcome again whenever I get in to another relationship.
Maybe put on porn and masturbate and let him walk in on you. Let him see that it's not taboo for you.
>>17306037
Because it's inconsequential and private. For all intents and purposes, his porn is competing with you. He does not want you to alter your behavior based on his pornography.
Chances are it only represents impossible scenarios and impossible actions that he would not want his real woman involved with.
>someone agrees with you
>gentle words
>someone disagrees with you
>harsh words
>i don't think being secretivrle about porn is a big deal therefore he must not think it's a big deal
>he is being a hypocrite therefore i cannot be wrong too
>>17306359
Can't believe tripcancer is right.
kys degenerate.
>>17306869
Almost-married anon here, sorry it took a while to reply. Ultimately I'm not sure I have much else to add beyond what this guy said >>17306889 here, it was a good reply.
The exact way I'd want to be approached -- and I have been in similar situations, not identical but similar -- would be something like, "Hey, sweetie, I don't really give a shit whether you watch porn or not. From where I'm standing it looks like you do, but maybe I'm wrong and there's other explanations." [ed note: YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY HAVE TO BELIEVE THIS, it's a small face-saving concession so you can get through the rest of your spiel without putting him on the defensive.] "If you do, I trust that you have your reasons for not telling me, but I hope that you will eventually, once you're ready. And either way, in the future, if there's anything you don't want to talk about, I'd always prefer you just tell me that directly, otherwise it makes me wonder whether I'm being lied to. Privacy's fine, lying's not. OK, I'm done talking about this now. Oh, and however they got there, can you pick up the tissues in the bedroom?"
Obviously put all that in your own voice, but that, essentially that, is how I'd want to be approached. Yeah, it might sting a little to be so accommodating when after all he did lie to you, but frankly sometimes to be a good partner you need to swallow your pride and figure that the other person needs your support more than you need things to be completely fair (I did say sometimes, certainly not always). In most other situations I'd be telling you to put your foot down and not accept being lied to, but his behavior is so odd that I really think there might be a serious issue here (that might be quite painful for him), hence the kid gloves.
>>17307367
Bro, she is gone for longer than Macaulay Culkin's career.
>>17307392
Yeah dude, I know, but it's still polite to reply. This board is slow enough that she might check back later.
>>17307396
Nah, her pride was damaged, she is never coming back.
>>17307392
>>17307396
>>17307408
Lol I'm still here. Finished work and was in transit.
I really appreciate the lengthy reply. I guess the important thing to remember is to emphasize that he can tell me about it when he's ready to, but just not lie about it. He tends to run from confrontation too so that makes it more difficult. But really I'm going to try that tonight, I'll post an update after if the thread hasn't 404d by then.
