are you stupid

break up

>>17305946
It's not that easy. We move in together in two weeks. I already cancelled the contract to my apartment. And also, i really want to resolve this and not just run away as soon as things get a little bumpy. Ofc it has crossed my mind...

>>17305951
DON'T move in with him it will not get better. No partner should have to have the chat about the ex. If the person you are with is so insensitive to not recognize any boundaries when they enter another relationship and commit to that person you cannot convince them of it. I understand some people may want to remain friends with an ex but the insistence that ex maintain the same place in their life is untenable. Friends/acquaintance ok, but "close" friends, no.

>>17306013
Yes. I know that. I vioced my opinion. The ex got removed for good. My question is mainly why this has hurt me SO much that it drove me away so completely. He didn't cheat on me. And he pretty much instantly broke contact after i have toldh him how i feel about the situation. I have come to the conclusion that it damaged my trust in his love. But he shows me he has choosen me and loves me very much, every day. So it can't only be that. I also feel like i was very hurt because i felt like i can't compeed against that ex for various reasons (one being that they broke up on "good terms" and that she was the girl he crushed on during all his school years. She was his first everything too.)

I just want to find a way to feel loving towards him again...

First, stop bitching about it. Have one nice, long talk about it with him and then stop talking and thinking about it. Every time it comes to your mind say "No, I choose to stay, I won't think about it anymore. I'll move on." If you're obsessing about it, do some activity and focus on it.
The more you think about how you feel, the deeper you'll fall into this hole.
Second, be honest with him and tell him to move slow. Tell him that you need to work on your relationship and take things slowly - spend time going out on dates, try to build a second "honeymoon" period.
Third, work on yourself (and eventually ask for a therapist to help you with this) to learn to build your self worth - if you have a person who loves you, makes everything to show you so, and you still think you're not good enough to compare to a girl he crushed for ages ago, you have issues and you should address them.

>>17306054
Thanks for your response.
I don't thinl about the incident sith that ex anymore. It actually seldomly crosses my mind. I just feel like i've distanced myself way too far from him. I do try to spend quality time with him and do "couply stuff". I also told him to pls give me some space and be patient with me. That i won't leave and that i'm aware i'm being distant right now, but woriking on it. His "response" was to get even clingier and now it's gotten to the point where i can't stand his touches, constant presence and loving words any longer. He will be away for a while soon anyways, so i'll have time to sort myself out. But i feel like i need a tiny spark atleast to make this work.

I'll try my best to incorporate yout advice. And i'm already going to therapy. I know i have issues. Especiallx with my selfesteem.

>>17305943
It's simple, you should not be moving in with this person. If you do, knowing that you've written what you have, you deserve all the consequences of your actions.

This happens in relationships, but generally after a period of being together, and it's called irreconcilable differences, which is quite often reserved for divorce papers.

Go get your old lease back and tell him you're having second thoughts and you don't think now is the right time. At least see this speed-bump through before you begin adding other problems to the relationship; like splitting bills, falling in the toilet seat at 2 am, and other shit.

>>17306039
totally normal human reaction to withdraw and protect yourself. Only thing is time and consistency on his part to prove he refuses to do anything again that will hurt you. Now if you still feel the mistrust in 6 months this relationship is over

>>17306102
There are already new people moving in to my old apt... And he can't afford the new one on his own. I'll see him tonight and i will tell him about my concerns.
But basically, this relationship is death. Right?

>>17306115
I Really hope you're right...
How can i help that process of "getting over it"?
Some space at first and then doing couply stuff like going on dates and having comfy movie nights at home again?

>>17306116
No, the relationship is not death. You can work through how you feel, and I've been there, but it takes time and you don't want to add to it, trust me (as much as you can an anon).

You may even come out with a stronger relationship in the end, but you gotta put the brakes on this for a bit, slow it down some. If you're feeling like this now, when you move in together it will only get worse.

>>17306121
yes but don't force it. If he cares he'll be understanding and won't push

>>17305943
>on paper, our differences got resolved

Clearly you still have an issue with it. Saying it's resolved doesn't actually resolve it if it generates this level of disgust, holy shit.

What's your issue with him being friends with his ex? You don't trust him? He's a known cheater? Do you actually not have any guy friends yourself? Does he give you shit about them constantly? Are they all 100% platonic and never physical even when you weren't dating your boyfriend?

You need to finish working your shit out, even if it's just with yourself.

>>17306121
No, none of that shit.

You've used your so-called "ace" to have him end that relationship, now you need him to show if he is truly devoted to you or not. You have to force him to use his "ace" too so the balance of power can be restored.

Sometimes you just gotta Machiavelli some shit, this is that time.

>>17306124
>>17306129
Thanks so much. He will be going away for military in 4 days. After that, i will see him once a week and might not be able to have any contact outside of that at times. So i will have plenty of "space" anyways. I was planning on doing something couply before he goes away.
You helped me a ton, anons. I hope we can be one of those couples that work trough a crisis and come out of it stronger.

>>17306134
He didn't tell me she was his ex at first. Then he told me she's like a "little sister" to him. They only spent one on one time together when meeting up, and so on. It wasn't just me being paranoid and not believing that friendship between gender can happen. Then he proposed to me and after he told *her* she sent him a lengthy text about how she still loves him and wants him back. That's where i stepped in and said he needs to open his eyes and see that she has selfish motives and wants to sabotage "us". I didn't tell him to cut contact, right away. I thought that would be common sense after such an incident. He still texted her, so i had to actually tell him to stop cut her lose. He did. But it hurt me immensely that i needed to go all the way down to basically make him decide between me or her. I was really hoping that wouldn't be necessary.

>>17306135
What's his "ace", anon?

>>17306148
All right, well with the whole story there, I can see why you would be hurt. I can also see how keeping a relationship like that semi-secret from you at all is a huge red flag.

I know you've gotten a lot of this already, but you should seriously consider ending it. Here's the deal, either he's really so emotionally retarded that he can't see an ex rooting herself in his life with the sole intent of getting back with him, or he knew that's exactly what she wanted and he kept her strung along "just in case".

No amount of talking is going to change what happened. You can either live with it, or you can't. I know it's not an easy decision, but it's all yours. If you can't trust him when he's around with keeping thirsty women at bay, what makes you think he'll keep his shit together overseas if he ships out?

>>17306148
you showed plenty of restraint here and see no misstep on your part. What bothers me is he didn't disclose she was his ex at first and continued to persist until you had to tell him to stop. He has a lot of work to do not you.

>>17306168
I think he's genuinely emotionaly retarded at this point. I also thinl the two of them kept each other as plan b and then just got used to having the other one around for company. When we got engaged, she suddenly realized that he will be off he marked soon for good and paniced.

I will give myself some time to decided that. And also tell him exactly how that whole story has left me feeling so he can understand why i'm having troubles being close and loving, atm.

Oddly enough, i don't question his loyalty at all. I actually feel like he would do EVERYTHING now to convince me that he only loves me. But even the slightest display of affection appals me atm. I think i really just need time and space. Thanks for hesaring me out and helping me get my head straight again. I can't really discuss this with anbody irl...

>>17306174
Well, understandably, you don't go "hey, i still am close friends with my ex" right after you start dating... He mentioned a female friend he'll go grab a drink with. Then after some months i started to ask more about her because i thought it was a bit strange and also because she (or he...) came up with fishy excuses more than once when i tried to arrange to meet her.
His resason to not cut contact strsight away was that he "cares about her and doesn't want to hurt her". To be fair, he wasn't aware that it bothers me at that point. Mainly because it only started to bother me when he didn't cut contact. However, when it DID bother me, i told him and he DID cut contact after that. That's why i feel like i'm a bit overreactiong here... Oh well

>>17306184
>I will give myself some time to decided that. And also tell him exactly how that whole story has left me feeling so he can understand why i'm having troubles being close and loving, atm.

All of this is great. Don't rush to make the decision and be sure to discuss with him everything that's been going on with you the last little while.

>Oddly enough, i don't question his loyalty at all. I actually feel like he would do EVERYTHING now to convince me that he only loves me. But even the slightest display of affection appals me atm

You say you haven't given the ex any thought since he cut her off, but are you 100% sure that's true? Maybe you aren't thinking specifically of her, but now every time you do intimate coupley stuff with your boyfriend, it's tinted through the really new knowledge that he used to do the same things for someone a lot closer to him than you realized. It's just a bit of a shock to the system and it'd fuck with anyone's subconscious. But again, it's a matter of can you get past it or is this the deal breaker?

>>17306198
He knew it was borderline and why he started spinning from the start. The fact is he justified ultimately hurting you in his effort to not hurt her.