Fast forward through one step dad and the start of school until age 8-9 ca where my new step dad from lovely Albania and mom was very controlling of me. I got house arrest from weeks to months for defying him and my mom did nothing. Then once I discovered sexual stuff for real (Actually knowing what the fuck it was) at 10 he freaked and started beating me everytime he'd caught me with porn, But being me I didn't stop defying him I just continued.

That continued until 12 where I went full retard. I abused my little sister sexually. Like seriously I have no clue where this came from. I had never thought about abusing anyone before and I loved my sister very dearly (Still do and I'll leave her everything I have when I die). But one day after they had gone to the movies or something and suddenly I was alone with her for a couple hours. Now this had happened many times before, usually I just sat infront of the PC playing video games then and she'd watch cartoons in her room. But suddenly I decided you know what I'm gonna watch cartoons with her, she often wanted me to watch cartons with her and I decided I'm going to do so. I wish I'd just gone and played my stupid games. After that it's a blur. I don't even remember what I did exactly.

However after realizing how big of a mistake I'd just made I almost killed myself out in -20 and only turned around because survival instincts saved me. (Thanks I guess) When I came home after being out in the snow for hours (They hadn't called the police to search, I'd be found in seconds then since I was out on the street at 1-2 at night. After I came home my step dad almost killed me, he started beating me more than ever, my mom stepped in when she realized he would kill me.

Was sent to my dad to live and haven't seen him since or my little sister. My mom comes around from time to time but honestly I don't want her in my life as much I hate to admit I have to relay on her for financial support. I did not go to any therapist.

After starting a new life with my dad he had to quit his fishing job and move to a office. I started to a little better at school at first but once time went on I started getting more and more absence from school. Until I got to I guess high school for the americans where I have over 30% absence and almost all of that is me lying at home wanting to die. Went to a high school away from my hometown for the last 2 years and and the first few months I tried to kill myself sorta. I wanted to escape life so I just took my car and starte driving, almost never stopping for 30-40 hours straight. Off course 30-40 hours straight is very tirering and it ended up with my car in a ditch since I dozed off behind the wheel. I remember thinking "Ohh shit I'm going to go to sleep, I have to get off the highway at the nearest exit, I even slowed down and started looking for one but I just couldn't find it for a couple minutes and boom.

Waking up after a crash from 120kph after you've just spent the last few days thinking you should rather be dead was weird. Surivival instinct are really hard to beat I guess. Cause after I crashed the first thing I did was call 911, I did not have enough battery to actually say where I was all I got out was "I'm between [major town] and [major town] on the highway I have just crashed and I'm about to run out of phone battery" then it was dead. Jesus that was a close one. Have you ever tried fighting survival instincts? That shit is crazy hard, after I realized I could just take my rope in the boot and hang myself in a nearby tree. But noo I went out and crawled back to the highway and tried to wave over people, my car was so far down the forest you couldn't even see it from the highway.

Have you thought about going to church OP?

it might help to talk to someone there.

After hours of waiting and trying to wave over trucker, I realize I'd be dead by know if I had any injuries. Suddenly one kind young person stops and he says he saw a bunch of police cars of police cars on the highway the last few hours and one is just a few miles back. I was close to death that day I must say but something kept me here.

Then I went back to high school and life with everyone "worrying" about me. Only one mate really cared I feel and he said this "I know you have your problems but I'm your friend because I like you for who you are and what you could be, now come on let's get some beer and grill some steaks" Only man in my life that I think care for me is my childhood friend who never demand anything of me, never tries to stop me being me. He's later said that he will be very sad if I do go, but he'll honor me if I choose that path. You know what? Everyone who says they "Love me and it's selfish of me to suicide" has never made me feel appreciated more than this man.

Still had the 30% absence, still wanted to die only now I knew I'm to much of a pussy to do it. Almost lost my diploma from the absence even, but I lose my financial help so I couldn't afford doing anything more than eating bread and drinking water. Stil had my PC and clinged onto that for dear life.

After high school I went into a trade internship, which I promptly fucked up with my 30% absence. Who knew people wouldn't want to work with you if there is a 30% chance you don't come in to work? I ended up in such a fucked situation where had almost tried to kill myself multiple times and knew I was starting to be to sick for work but I couldn't take sick leave so I went in anyway, it almost ended with me mixing some deadly chemicals which could have killed the whole building. No one found, what stopped me was not empathy for the others it was that I might get stopped before I could do it. After 20 days of work I could finally go on sick leave, however I was pushed into not doing so because of some technicality that would stop me from reciving any financial help. After putting in my all for about a month or two I crashed back down and had to go on leave or I was sure I'd kill myself. I went on and off from work to sick leave since my family pushed me back into work because I was being a lazy bitch.

I'd also started drinking more when I wasn't at work since as I said when I'm drunk I don't want to die. It's very expensive and looked down upon drinking because you feel you need to. I'm not even addicted, I do it because I don't trust sober me. However sober me doesn't trust drunk me too. I've been doing very weird things when drunk especially sexually, things I very much regret when I'm sober. (I keep myself away from people, I don't want to hurt anyone like I've done) And often it's things that are okay but because I'm drunk I don't have the brain capacity to clean up after myself often. But sober me is to scared to own up to it because I'm afraid me doing things that people say is bad scares me a lot.

And now we're here, I started seeing a therapist not too long ago. But I'm scared to tell her these things. She has a lot of power over me, she could ruin my entire life by forcibly putting me in a asylum against my wishes, I could lose everything that comforts me in life if she doesn't want to help me. She has said they only use it for extreme cases but I'm still scared I might be that extreme case. I try to tell her but when I try I feel it's very much like trying to fight against my survival instincts when I was in the car crash.

>>17302295

No Church Activity to speak of in my country. I'd only find People there on weddings, funerals etc etc.

I'm not a religous person myself. But I do see why People would want to be. It must be comforting. I just can't Accept it.

>>17302301
So you're a fucking pedophilic bastard who whines about not being able to kill himself and who raped his own sister and cousin.

>>17302312

You welcome to kill me

>>17302301
>She has a lot of power over me
A therapist has power over you?
In most countries, the only thing they can do is report 3 things: imminent suicide (as in, you're going to do it today), child abuse/molestation, or specific violent threats (eg "im going to go shoot up my school tomorrow").

And even then, they don't make any decision, the appropriate authorities do (medical and/or law enforcement).

And as long as you can control yourself (which you sound like you can, especially if you're lucid enough to write this), you can't be involuntarily committed.

Go talk to a psychiatrist, since it sounds like medication could be very helpful in your case (though if it was me, i'd be very worried about addiction and abuse, so i'd have you lay off the alcohol first to see if you can).

>>17302317

Sadly in my country they can force you into a mental asylum if they want. I'm not against using pills but one of my Family members was forcibly put into asylum and forced pills. He's not the same person I used to love, he's basically become more broken than he ever was without the pills. I don't want to become that, empty With no life spirit like him. He lost something of himself when they did that

>>17302316
I don't want to kill you. Just let your balls get amputated. This will prevent you from sexual arousal AND you wont ever have kids you'll rape in future.

Also stop drinking if that makes you wanna fiddle the kids.
You know that kids don't start doing sexual things if no one showed them that. Dig in your memories, who started raping YOU in the first place. Come in terms with what happened to you and your own life in the first place.
Next ring up your sister and apologise for what you did. Call your mom and tell her you getting like this is 100% her fucking fault . If she provided you a stable and safe environment to grow up in you'd never have those problems in the first place.
But never forget that it's only your fucking own fault 100% that you stay like this instead of moving forward, healing and developing into a functioning adult. You love to bathe in self-pity. Get your fucking shit together. In the meantime chop your balls off.

>>17302334

This cracks me up. Did we suddenly enter oldschool 4chan on /b/? Chopping balls off as recomendations to People?

>>17302343
>as recomendations to Pedos
Fixed that one for ya.

>>17302354

No saying op isn't a piece of shit but we don't know his sisters age? Just because she's the younger could mean 1-10 years. So a 12 year old abusing a 11 year old. Is that a pedo or just a rapist? Can you even be rapist at such Young ages?

>>17302358
>Can you even be rapist at such Young ages?
Yes. How is this even a question.

>>17302371

Well fuck me sideways. You are right. Still why chop the balls off?

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/boy-12-admits-raping-a-five-year-old-girl-in-his-bedroom-a7026471.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/6554721/Boy-raped-another-child-after-social-services-failed-to-put-him-in-care.html

>>17302305

I'm sorry mate, even if you aren't religious...a church can be a comforting place to go to if you need to talk to someone, what country are you in if I may ask?

File: norway.jpg (55 KB, 706x608) Image search: [Google]

55 KB, 706x608

>>17302415

This lovely country

>>17302358
>Is that a pedo
Op is saying that RIGHT NOW he wants to fiddle kids and when he's drinking he can't control his urges. Op confirmed me also.
Read here.
>>17302301
>>17302316

>>17302383
Because op isn't capable of raising kids ever. Then why keep it anyways? Chopping his balls of will annulate his sexual desire, hence no kiddy fiddling anymore. He can do chemical castration but that's shit because read first argument - why keep it? Op shouldn't have kids ever. And with chemical castration op could decide one da, oh fuck it I'm not gonna take my medicine anymore and the kiddy fiddling starts again, leaving kids with the same destiny as op suffers now.

>>17302457

This is exactly why I don't like trying to get help for this. No for fucks sake I don't want to fuck any children.

I often use the shower to masturbate and have a enema thing. However being drunk cleaning up after that I just cant get it 100% clean before I fuck off.

>>17302358

Jesus no I dont want to touch any kids. And yes my sister is only 1,5 younger than me. And no I dont want to fucking rape anyone. I have already gotten judged by the system and they apperently thinks its fine to let a 12 year old og wihtout punishment or even treatment....