I need help /adv/. I have a friend who's been going through a rough time.
He dated a girl for quite a while. He loved her and treated her like a princess and thought she was the one. Over time, the relationship turned sour. She discovered that she could treat him like shit and still get what she wanted. He pulled the weight in the relationship out of love, but it took a toll on his mind and his self-esteem. She threw him under the bus with her friends and family and turned them against him, but he still loved her. But about a month ago he tried to express this unfairness to her and it ended in flames.
Healing this past month has been slow. I've sat with him for at least an hour every night to let him vent and cry. I try to keep his mind busy, but he still talks about her a dozen times a day and is always thinking about her. More than anything he's wanted to tell her he's sorry for the way things ended and receive some closure, but she's too cold to give that to him and has expressed how unwilling she is to give him that peace in person (yet she considers herself a righteous Baptist and questioned his Methodist faith and the fate of his soul, which really brought him down at one point during the relationship).
He told me that he's had suicidal thoughts. He wants everything to be over so he doesn't have to feel that pain anymore. Working off of his Christian beliefs, I've expressed how little this life is compared to the next and how suicide may end his suffering here, but will lead to an eternity of suffering infinitely more unbearable than this. I can't tell if it's completely turned him off of the idea, but I can see it working a little.
I've provided an ear, a hand, and a heart, yet it doesn't feel like enough. How can I help him move on from this cold-hearted bitch? Help me save my friend.
Be sure to lay clear that suicide is never a good option, like, literally, he can look himself in a couple of years and laugh it off, and even be grateful that it ended, because it just gets better.
Is he younger than 23 ?
>>17301880
Yes, he's 21.
>>17301880
>>17301881
He really does feel like he'll never truly be happy again. Like, everywhere we go he says "I had fun, but I wish I could share it with her." He really was under her spell.
I went through something similar. Know this is going to take time, a lot of time, possibly.
He has to do the healing himself. He has to really analyze himself; why would he enter such a shitty relationship in the first place? Why tolerate all that pain?
As for what you can do; not much sadly. Just provide support as you have done, and probably most importantly; dont Judge!
Just let him be, express, vent, and he will come around. But it will take time, and honest reflection on his part. This will start when he is ready for it.
>>17301881
I'm 23, so I don't mean to be a pretentious fuck about being 2 years older. but it's just about maturing sentimentally (fuck, that sounds weird in english sorry), at least that's what it looks like, from the people I've met. But yeah, First times always hurt the worst. I, myself, have been talking hours on the phone with a girl that also considered suicide over a boy, she's below her 20's, it just feels bigger when you're young.
But people just have to learn to love themselves for who they are, and not die over someone else (literally and methaphorically). The best relationship you can have is where you love and respect yourself as much as your partner, and he/she does the same.
If he starts to show worst symptomps, or attempts something stupid, call for help o convince him to go to a psychologist, but if he's just crying it out, let it be, keep him busy and make him meet new people
>>17301889
Thank you. I've been doing all I can and lending him an ear any time. Like I said, we talk for at least an hour every night. I share my experiences so he knows he's not alone, let him call me any time of day when he feels like he needs someone to talk to, and make sure he knows I've got his back.
He immensely appreciates everything I do and told me I'm the one light in his life right now, but I still worry for him. I really wish I could do more.
>>17301891
Thank you, I'll make sure to keep all of that in mind. I don't really feel I've pushed hard enough on just how unfair their relationship was. I've explained it multiple times in many different ways, but he always finds a way to flip it around on himself, saying he did things wrong just like she did things wrong or that he loves her enough that he was willing to take it.
>>17301909
Extra advice: don't talk about the relationship, like, don't neglect it, but don't go trying to objectively convince him how it was bad. just plain out tell him "dude, it sucked", no question askeds, it's just the truth.
No arguments, no discussions, it just sucked, not only because it was true, but because frequently talking about it just won't help.
>>17301922
Thanks for the advice. I really do care a lot about this friend and I'd hate to lose him. I know he's in a dark place right now.
He's been sleeping on my couch in my apartment almost every night for the past month and I send him a text every day before he heads to work. Yesterday was especially hard for him because he actually saw her and tried to speak with her and she basically treated him like shit in front of her friends who then proceeded to do the same. I gave him a hug this morning before he left. I'm doing what I can.
Tell him to delete her number, photos, snapchat, ect off if his phone. Next, tell him to unfriend her or delete his fb, or turn off any social media where he can see her. Breakups are hard, but it gets easier after a while. don't talk bout the relationship anymore
>>17301737
I got out of a relationship that turned sour about a year and a half ago in a very similar fashion (me pulling all the weight, financially and emotionally), and i'm 35 now and I can tell you it always sucks and is emasculating.
I'm very fortunate as I realized that she was to blame for not putting forth the effort, but I had dealt with it before so I had that experience to lean on, but the emasculation happened while I was in the relationship itself so it still happened.
He gave up his power over himself to her and put himself beneath her, making it so that when she 'deemed him unworthy', it made him believe he was less of a person. Though I am not the most religious person in the world, what she did was beyond dirty and extremely disgraceful. She has no right to question his beliefs, and cheapens herself by doing so.
It is hard to heal from such a thing, but he has put far too much faith into her instead of himself. Making him believe in himself would turn much of this around, but it is not always a simple process. To look at it from a faith perspective: Have faith in you, that has faith in God that has faith in you.
First real loves do what he's doing. I spent almost a year recovering from mine around that age. Look at it this way: right now his legs are not under himself, they are out trying to find her. He needs to get his legs back under himself so he can move on. You as a friend should be supportive by all means but need to get him to think and do things that are not her. Finding him another girl is a slippery slope though.
I wish you luck and wish I could give more sound advice, but it sounds like he lucky to have a friend such as you.
