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I've been abused in various ways since I was born. Verbally, physically, sexually, psychologically...

I've been basically raped my whole life.

I look at pictures of people and desire some of them and want a relationship with someone to try and enjoy life but my mind is dwelling upon all the ways others have ruined my life. I feel like if I was to even kiss someone it would remind me of them.

Is it possible to not let memories of others bother you? I feel like I hate existence itself but then I see a desirable person and desire a relationship.

How do you not think about other? When I try talking to people, often they'll say a name or something that makes me think of people I don't want to think about and I feel miserable again.

I feel like I can't even have a conversation with someone. It's like, if you were tortured and raped by someone then others would say their name while smiling at you. You kind of lose interest in talking and then the person who said their name is associated with them in a way, so every time you see that person or think of them it triggers thoughts of them smiling and saying the name of the person who wrong you so you don't even want to think of them anymore.

If something like that happens to your mind all day everyday is there even a reason to exist anymore?

No matter how you want a partner is there any point when they'll eventually say or do something that makes the thought of them remind you of others you don't like?