>there was an incident with my bf's ex recently
>he did nothing majorly wrong
>admitst the storm it caused, i started to distance myself from him to protect myself from getting hurt
>now the waves have gone down again and i'm still not there again
>my feelings for him have changed a lot >where there once was closeness and security, there's only a gap left
how can i go back to how we were or progress so we are going to be ok again?
It takes time. You need to talk to him about it and be open, and ask him to do the same. But if you felt betrayed by him, even slightly, that's not just going to disappear immediately.
>>17284895
i'll see him tonight and i plan to be really honest and open about how it left me.
problem is, the betrayal i feel is all basend on assumptions. there's nothing he can say that i can think off that would be able to get back the previous levels of trust i had
will giving it time help?
i feel very disconnected to him atm and like his words don't have any impact on me anymore
>>17284906
>the betrayal is based on assumptions
Explain
>>17284923
>start dating guy
>few weeks in he tells me's going to grab a drink with a female freind
> i'm ok with that because why shouldn't i?
>ask him if they had a good time, then talk about her for a while. he tells me she's his best friend and like a sister to him
>lets slip that she's also his ex
>obviously this slightly alerts me
>over time, i gather more infos. they dated for a year. she was his first everything. they split up 3 years ago because she went abroad.
>he still loved her
>when she got back, she wanted to get back together but he was a stubborn motherfucker and was playing drama queen
>for some fucked up reason they decided to be "friends" instead. THAT exactly here is the reason i feel betrayed. i'm aware how petty that is. but it feel like the resaons they stayed friends are all the wrong ones. they kept each other around as a back up plan imo
>one night i lay in bed with the bf and we talk about all and nothing
>ask him if anything has been bothering him lately
>tell me he think this "friend" might still have feels for him
>don't go crazy on him because i appreciate the honesty. we talk about it and when i ask him what he thinks wuold be the best course of action his answer is that he probably has to cut contact but doesn't want to beacuse he cares about her and dno't want to hurt her
>think i'll let him figure this out on his own for a moment. give him time to sort this out with her
>two weeks later he tells me he received a lengthy text from her, telling him she misses being with him and that she still loves him
>wew lad
>i'm pretty shocked she would put herself inbetween us so blantantly
>he only sees how she "needed to get that out"
>he doesn't realize how this girl tries to drive him away from me
basically, my assumption is that he still has feeling for her and i'm only a rebound. that hurt very badly, so i decidede to detach some of my very stong emotions from him because there where moments it looked like he would
cont
>>17284955
cont
make all the wrong decisions and go back to her.
he actually hasn't had contact with her since that text and it's been two weeks now. he didn't cheat on me or anything. his only fault was staying freinds with an ex for fishy reasons and not cuting her off immediately when he felt like there was more to it from her side... i feel pretty petty for this thb
>>17284960
It sounds like he is denying her advances and you're pushing him towards her.
>>17284965
how so?
>>17284970
He has been a shining example of honesty with you and when you were afraid that his ex would influence him you started to withdraw from him, even though he was coming to you to tell you what was going on. If he can't talk to you, he's gonna talk to her and that will bring them back together.
>>17284980
that's true. so, what do i do now? just talk to him and be honest and let time do it's work?
>>17284988
Definitely talk to him about it. You're insecure about her and I can't really fault you for that, but from your story he has still chosen you over her. If you both think that him cutting her off would be best, gently coach him towards that. But gently is key, and not deceptively. Give him reasons to be distracted or unavailable. Go on a vacation! Do stuff together. Be a couple.
>>17285008
>Give him reasons to be distracted or unavailable. Go on a vacation! Do stuff together. Be a couple.
thanks anon. you helped me a ton. i'll try doing that.
>>17284955
he cares about her and dno't want to hurt her
and here is your problem OP. He cares more for her feelings than he does yours yet wants to have all the perks of saying he's your bf and fucking you.
He's known from her return what her end game is and knows she knows all she has to do is put in a little more effort.
You are doing the right thing by emotionally detaching and hope you get to the point you can cut it off completely.
>>17285031
I do not share this anon's cynicism. People are allowed to care about more than one person and relationships are complicated. OP is "winning" because he's comfortable telling her his feelings about it. If he feels uncomfortable, that is when OP should get really nervous.
>>17285031
yeah. exactly. that was my problem with the situation. i get that he cares about her. shit, he once wanted her to be the mom of his kids and grow old with her. how could he not? but i felt like not hurting her was more of a priority than not letting anything come between us. that was why i felt betrayed and hurt. i also feel like he's a guy that does shit out of obligation. i mean, he didn't get together with her because she "left him and he has principles". i can imagine he would be stupid enough to stay with me because he thinks it's the "right thing to do". since that thought creeped in, evrything he does or says feels like he's putting on an act. i either want the ugly truth or find a way to trust him again.
>>17285038
he later stated that he wasn't sure it was the right choice to tell me, both times he told me about those incidents...
i do think he's allowed to care about her. but not if caring about her get's her foot inside the door of our realtionship.
>>17285038
but you assume OP's bf is being totally honest. Any fool should know what this ex wanted yet the bf was afraid to hurt her. It should be about winning or encouraging OP to tread lightly around the subject. Either OP's bf wants to commit to her and not allow an outside influence, whatever it is, to get between them. He fucking did and it may be going on still
>>17285048
>assume OP's bf is being totally honest
>Any fool should know what this ex wanted
> it may be going on still
spot on.
my fear is that he knew exactly what's going on and still didn't cut her lose. now i only have his words for it that there's no contact anymore. and since i don't trust anything he tells me anymore atm that's not very helpfull or soothing
>>17285045
Your reaction when he told you the truth was to distance yourself from him. Obviously he would wonder if it was the right thing to do, but that's on you, not him, and it's now up to you to show him that you appreciate and need honesty.
>>17285045
>he later stated that he wasn't sure it was the right choice to tell me
so he mused it would have been better to keep you blissfully ignorant. What an ignorant thing to say. He chose a sham friendship with an ex that he clearly knew was ready to grovel because she left him before. He didn't cut it off because he wanted the groveling and he told you thinking you would be ok with it. Selfish much?
>>17285055
So you've given up on him already then. I take comfort in the knowledge that at least he'll have someone to go back to when you drop him for tryin to do the right thing.
>>17285060
>tryin to do the right thing
what right thing? You think it is OP's duty to allow an ex back into his life just so she doesn't feel bad. How about when she made her pitch he told her thanks but no thanks I'm in love with a wonderful woman and will do nothing to fuck that up or hurt her in anyway.
>>17285055
Op, here is some advice that 90% of all couples are too hard headed to take to heart:
Talk to your significant other honestly.
Have you told him everything you are telling us? Have you told him how this has effected you and how you are starting starting to feel distant? Let him know all that AND ask him what he wants. Confront him head on.
"Do you want to be with your ex?"
If he says no, ask him why. If it's because of you, then reiterate everything you are feeling and through speaking about your feelings honestly, you may be able to find out what will satisfy your faith and trust in him. He's chosen to be honest with you thus far on his end. Take the initiative to give back that honesty with your own.
>>17285057
>and it's now up to you
OP did nothing wrong and the ball has always been in her bf's court to make it right if he really wants.
>>17285072
OP distanced herself from him when he tried to be honest with her about a complicated and difficult situation. That is doing everything wrong.
>>17285075
no it's not it's called self preservation and I encourage more people, male and female to listen to their gut and not fall for shit they need not. If OP's bf was committed he would not have allow this to start and would have shut it down without her saying a word. The conversation he would have had is, hey an ex I was crazy about that broke up with me 3 years ago resurfaced, gave me a pitch and I told her to get lost and I have already blocked her. See here's my phone
>>17285075
He told the truth that he's still fucking around with his ex who he is probably still into. OP's feelings are correct. She's actually trying to do the mental gymnastics to deny them. You're an idiot.
To anyone claiming "what if he's lying," why would he have even mentioned it at all if he wanted her on the side? If he had intentions of cheating, he wouldn't have talked about her to OP at all.
>>17285087
This is the biggest load of bullshit.
>>17285071
>Have you told him everything you are telling us?
almost everything, yes. problem is that he was pretty much unavailable between those incidents. he has exams abroad and he always told me that shit right the night before he had to leave again in the morning. leaving all this to fester for a week without being able to really talk to him about it. i think that made everything a lot worse than it would have had to. he's going to be back for good tonight, and i really hope we can have an undisturbed moment to have an open conversation about this.
>>17285075
i didn't distance myself from him very noticeably. not at all. i don't think he is aware at all. it was only emotional, and since he was away the shole time inbetween, it was easy to go unnoticed that i have distanced myself.
i strongly do feel like this anon
>>17285082
wrote
why would he even have to tell me? if i wuold find out that an ex had still fells, i would take care of that THAT instance and block them/delete them from my life. he choosed to brood over it and get me involved in it too. i feel like he made a huge deal out of something that should have tooken him seconds to take care of. that's what makes me very insecure about his intentions
>>17285087
he wanted OP to believe in the innocence of an ex hovering around and say it's ok. If his intent was to cheat or dump OP doesn't matter at this point because OP's blind trust has been shaken so everything should be suspect.
>>17285098
No he didn't want that, because as OP said he knows h should break off all contact with the ex but doesn't know how best to do it. He isn't asking for a pass on staying friends. He's asking what he should do and looking for help to do it.
>>17285082
I completely agree, but there are a few significant factors to take into that. How long have they been together? What is their dynamic? Are they a couple that talks about and is open with their feelings, or do assumption and guesswork rule? How many relationships havr they had prior if any?
Those might not seem to have any relation to ops current problem, but they do, especially what their dynamic is. If they are not an open couple used to speaking about their feelings and community their wants/needs, then of course bf is not going to know what is 'right' to do, especially given the knowledge that his ex was his first girlfriend and he has never had an ex before.
>>17285087
that was my initial train of thought too. i even played with the idea that's he's just extremely naive. that option is still not completely off the table.
i tried to convince myslef that he wouldn't wtill be here if he wanted to be with her. but then again, as i already said, he has some stubborn ideas about what's the "right thing to do". and i'm not down to be with someone who feels obliged to be with me.
also, i don't think cheating was ever the intention. more chooseing between me and her. and the fact that he wasn't able to make that decision swift and painless is, to be truly honest, a problem for me.
>>17285102
it is not OP's responsibility to do his dirty work. She doesn't know her nor did she know initially of whom he was speaking. He is supposed to be one half of a committed couple and an adult not roll it back on OP as you suggest.
>>17285106
>he has never had an ex before
Exactly. We aren't all professionals at burning every bridge we pass over, and that can be a difficult process for some people.
>>17285097
Ok. Make sure to let him know you want to have a serious talk ahead of time so he is prepared beforehand. Take all the time you need during that to air out everything and see what he does. Remember to be open and direct with both your feelings and your concerns.
Please, don't worry or concern yourself with too much more until that time.
OP I'll just say this:
Life is too short to let yourself be fucked around with and its too short to waste any time on trying to be with people who don't want to be with you. If I were you I would move on from this guy desu. Saying "no I'm not going to meet you. Don't send me texts like this again, I have a girlfriend now. We are over." is not goddamn rocket science. I mean it sucks that you were just a rebound but it happens. It's bad luck.
>>17285102
>He's asking what he should do and looking for help to do it
i'm not going to tell him how to live his life. he's a grown ass man. it's not hard to cut someone lose. you can decide to tell them you will and maybe why and good bye, but then you have to burn all bridges
>>17285106
>How long have they been together?
almost a year
>What is their dynamic? Are they a couple that talks about and is open with their feelings, or do assumption and guesswork rule?
i do believe we are a cuople that's honest and open to each other. but i can't know for sure since i can't read his mind. i know i have been...
>How many relationships havr they had prior if any?
both one serious
>>17285112
People in a relationship can ask their significant others to help them when they are weak. That's called complimenting each other, rather than being two complete independent individuals who fuck sometimes.
>>17285107
totally agree with your assessment and I'm not emotionally attached to the situation
>>17285112
he didn't specifically asked for my help in this. he more or less just "informed" me on the incidents. i did tell him that i think it would be best to cut contact. for everyone... then he came on with that "i don't want to hurt heer fells" stuff
>>17285113
that's a valid possibility i have thought off before, too. he might not have been able to truly let her go yet. i know it does feel scary and very "finite". but it's what breakups are about.
>>17285115
kek. classic "we need to talk"
i hope i can find the right words and tell him everything that need to be said tonight.
>>17285117
>"no I'm not going to meet you. Don't send me texts like this again, I have a girlfriend now. We are over."
would have worked if she contacted him out of the blue. but they are "best friends" that meet up regularly and text frequently (from what i know)
>>17285119
he can. but he didn't
>>17285121
thanks. i'm really questioning my sanity over all this shit
>>17285119
I think you proved OP's point. His ex made his legs go wobbly yet he agreed to a sham friendship. Again, he could have shut this down from the start and run it by OP to confirm. Instead he wanted her to decide what to do about his ex. No balls
>>17285130
>no balls
might just be it. fml
>>17285129
He has had every opportunity to leave you for her if that's what he wanted, and it sounds like she likes him more than you do anyway.
>>17285118
>i'm not going to tell him how to live his life. he's a grown ass man.
> it's not hard to cut someone lose
directly contradicts
>i do believe we are a cuople that's honest and open to each other.
You are in a relationship. That means both of you putting in effort communication wise to relay your wants/needs to each other. Give and take. It is not telling him how to live his life to directly convey to that you need him to cut contact and keep it cut in order to keep your trust, faith and loyalty. If he knew that already, he obviously wouldn't be tripping up and making you feel distant with his mistakes.
Also
>almost a year
>both one serious
Further proof that you two need to talk talk talk. That is not long enough for you to be demanding he act a certain way. You are both in a new relationship and feeling out the new dynamic of it. You need to continue to build the groundwork by constantly conveying your needs in order for things to succeed.
>>17285135
that's true. still doesn't rule out the "right thing to do" bullcrap.
>she likes him more you do anyway
funny how she only realized that after she realized that our realtionship is here to stay
she has had 3 years to tell him those things. why now?
>>17285136
>directly contradicts
no it doesn't. i told him how i feel about it. but i won't guide him trough the steps. i told him i think it would be best to cut contact. i won't start making stupid ultimatums.
>demanding he act a certain way
i do think it's reasonable to demand that someone is in a relationship wholeheartedly. even after a year.
>>17285136
>demanding he act a certain way
wtf, OP is not doing anything of the sort. You advocate she not have any boundaries and do all the work. Did you not read her bf drops an update bomb on her and runs?
>>17285141
This is all your paranoia and insecurity talking. You aren't even a part of this ex's equation. She's doing what she wants just like you're doing right now.
And there is nothing wrong with a man having a sense of duty. You're punishing him for a virtue.
>>17285149
now you're attempting to be bombastic
>>17285151
For somebody not emotionally invested in the situation you sure want OP to break up with a guy for being honest.
>>17285145
>no it doesn't. i told him how i feel about it. but i won't guide him trough the steps. i told him i think it would be best to cut contact. i won't start making stupid ultimatums.
Is it an ultimatum to let him know the severity of your feelings in relation to him not cutting contact? I understand you not guiding him, but if you were too passive in letting him 'figure it out', then of course he is going to be hesitant because the status quo for his dynamic with her for the past few years until you appeared was "friendship".
>i do think it's reasonable to demand that someone is in a relationship wholeheartedly. even after a year.
Sorry, I worded my previous statement incorrectly. What I meant was to demand he act a certain way whilst not having communicated it prior. As in, running off of the assumption of what you want the relationship to be like, while not letting him know that.
>>17285146
>You advocate she not have any boundaries and do all the work
Not at all. A relationship is a two person team, and both sides have to contribute equally. I'm simply stating that she has to communicate her needs properly so there are no gaps for assumptions and guessing, like their obviously is right now.
>>17285149
> You aren't even a part of this ex's equation
then why did he have to pull me into it?
yeah, i'm aware of the insecurity and paranoia part
i'm not punishing him for a virtue. but there is a difference between following a "sense of duty" mindlessly and actually "doing the right thing".
what do you think is the right thing to do? kill a helpless enemy because you are loyal to your flag or let him go because he's a human being on whom's shoulders a war is fought on? that's the difference between duty and "the right thing" to me. if he lets her go, even tho it hurts, because he know it's necessary and what he needs and wants deep down, that's good. and i can accept that that process hurts, takes time and might tear him appart at times. but if he cuts her lose because he sees it as his duty, then we have a problem.
>>17285129
>would have worked if she contacted him out of the blue. but they are "best friends" that meet up regularly and text frequently (from what i know)
You said she sent a long text about how she is still in love with him and wants to be with him. He didn't even shut that down. A "best friend" wouldn't even have sent that shit in the first place. Please stop making excuses for him and being willfully naive.
>>17285155
>Is it an ultimatum to let him know the severity of your feelings in relation to him not cutting contact?
it is a soft ultimatum, yes. but i did that. i made my point clear.
yes, but that status quo changed the moment she confessed she "still loves him". there's no friendship possible anymore
well, then i agree. but also, i don't do that. i told him what i think should be done about the situation. then and there. unmistakeable
>>17285154
I don't recall suggesting a break up but do support her refusal to be second best. Life is too short to waste your time as the other party tries to work through their prior relationship issues.
Someone from the past showing up after 3 years I would just say to myself why the hell bother. In this situation there is unfinished business.
>>17285155
why do advocate she do the begging, tiptoeing and the bending? OP didn't cause this mess.
>>17285161
Are you listening to yourself? You're already preparing a reason to dump him even if he DOES completely burn her. "He did what I wanted, but his reasons weren't right enough."
>>17285164
>how she is still in love with him and wants to be with him
yes, she did. according to him he texted her back something that can be summed up as "i'm not available anymore".
my fucking point. it was a selfish thing to do from her side. if she cared for him as a friend, she would have dealt with those feels in private. instead she unloaded it on him, putting our realtionship at stake.
i'm not making excuses, i just don't want to jump to conclusions and also try to be empathic and see his side. but yes, i might be naive.
>>17285170
she didn't show up after 3 years. she was there all the time. as his "best friend"...
>>17285176
>he said I'm not available anymore
Why are we even having this discussion?
>>17285175
i'm aware. what do you think why i made this thread? i need people to fucking kick my ass if my thought go crazy.
>>17285180
because it's not about the hard facts. as i said in my OP, the waves have gone down. for me, the whole ex situation is over and done. it's just how all that has left me feeling. and i asked on how to build unconditional trust again after all that, not if he's "cheating on me".
>>17285176
I had a female friend that wasn't even an ex but I discovered was in love with me. She purposefully would call late at night, knowing my gf was right there. I told the "friend" despite her insistence she was not a friend and I ended the friendship.
>>17285168
>i don't do that. i told him what i think should be done about the situation. then and there
Then he can be forgiven for all the mistakes he is making as he is doing his best to figure out what the best course of action is.
>>17285174
Conveying your needs in a relationship is not begging, tiptoeing or bending. They have encountered a problem. Op's bf is trying to handle it in the best way he can to do right by op by telling her whats going on. Op, meanwhile is running off of assumptions and has not talked him about her concerns yet. She NEEDS to do this because he won't know otherwise and will continue to hurt her.
>>17285186
trust but verify and it is your bf's responsibility not yours
>>17285187
only thing i was asking for. instead i got this blown out of proportion shitfeast
>>17285186
If doing what you wanted wasn't good enough then what the fuck do you want?
>>17285189
>has not talked him about her concerns yet
i have...
>>17285195
>only thing i was asking for
No, you didn't. You said "I think" which gives him the option to do what he feels is right. Obviously he didn't do what you were "asking for" otherwise you wouldn't be here talking to us about it.
>>17285197
i don't want him to do anything.
he did everything right.
i wasn't asking for advice on how he should handle this or what to ask from him. there's nothing he can do about the situation anymore.
i was asking for advice on how to work on myself to be able to trust him again and get that loving feeling back i lost during all that.
>>17285201
that was a rhetorical statement. only thing i would ask from a bf is that he would shoot female advances down immediately and without thinking about it twice.
>>17285206
>i was asking for advice on how to work on myself to be able to trust him again and get that loving feeling back i lost during all that
Talk to him about it until you feel better.
>>17285206
Go back to being a couple, because he did everything right and if you still can't handle that then you've fucked up your relationship with him for no reason.
>>17285190
i don't think he could do anything that makes my feeling go back to how they where. that's why i was asking for ways to do that, as in "working trough my emotions"
>>17285216
yes
>>17285214
i'll try
thanks anons
