I got 2 sick grandmothers and a very broken mom who's not coping. 1 is terminally ill from cancer and she only has a few weeks left, the other is doing fine but it's still tough on the family.
Whenever I try to talk to my boyfriend about it, he just repeats "it's hard when family is ill" and "it's a part of life" adding to that he says "people move on" - honestly, it's insulting but I don't want to start a fight.
He keeps emphasizing that I need to be open and honest but wtf?
I've been with him for 6 years and this isn't new but it's the first time I've been shot down like this by him. It's like he doesn't care about my current situation at all...
What do you want him to be acting like?
>>17283055
>"it's hard when family is ill" and "it's a part of life" adding to that he says "people move on"
what the fuck you you expect him to say? I'm s-sorry your grandparents are dying? Do you wan't some kind of speech? I would of said the same thing if I was in his position. I honestly wouldn't know what to say or whats the most "conforting".
I'm not trying to be an asshole but, what exactly do you want him to do/say. it's not like he can do anything to help.
just ask him to cuddle or something...
t. insensitive sociopath that lacks empathy
>>17283055
Maybe the situation makes him uncomfortable. If he's had anything similar happen to him, he might be trying to stay out of it to save himself the grief. Or he could just not care; both are possible.
>>17283055
Some people deal with death and sickness badly, or are very avoidant around the subject. Plus, no lie, why would he give an honest fuck about old ladies on your side? C'mon.
Yeah seems like an asshole desu. It's not about caring about your grandma but about you.
>>17283055
No, he is not. You can only feel so much empathy for someone you don't know, even if it's through a significant other. I'm the same; I have no idea to comfort people in situations like these. When he says to be open and honest, it means stop being a woman and tell him what you want him to do. He's in no mood to play a fucking guessing game, especially on a touchy subject like your grandmothers dying. He won't figure it out, and you will lose nothing by telling him what you want from him.
>>17283105
>woman detected
I'm sure her boyfriend doesn't lack a basic human emotion. He literally just has no idea how to comfort her. Trust a guy who thinks like a guy.
>>17283055
Why do even talk about it in first place, like really, there is really nothing to discuss about it. It might be very sad for you, but these aren't his issues. I honestly would say the same, what the fuck he is supposed to do. The best he can do is take you like to a restaurant or to watch a movie, just to distract you from this a bit and be a bit happier.
You women really pretend too much attention in my opinion.
>>17283131
Nah, I'm a guy. inb4 i'm a fag or something. It's not hard at all to be empathetic with someone if you care about them. "life goes on, shit happens lol" isn't a caring thing to say.
>>17283160
It can be for some people. I have a hard time comforting people in these situations, because I've never experienced the death of a close relative. Relatives yes, close no. I have no idea what to say besides mindless platitudes like OP's boyfriend. It can happen, but it doesn't mean I don't empathize. It's just more difficult to, as well as to express it because of lack of experience.
So I should just stop talking about it altogether?
>>17283160
Obviously it just seems like I'm puking my emotions because this is a pretty big deal for 'my' family. It doesn't just affect me in person, it has halted our lives entirely and put any and all plans on hold. I should probably also have mentioned that she's not an old lady, neither of them are 80 years and demented. They're both quite young and were no way near the accepted "old people dying" age - it's probably also why it hit our family like a fucking truck. But I just didn't expect the same 3 short answers that he always gives me whenever I just brush the subject. He has lost people before, friends, a granddad.. But yeah.
Though it's obvious I best not talk about it with him then.
>>17283073
>women
They don't even know.
>>17283073
I don't want him to be acting like anything but, ok look. He says he wants ME to be open and honest and talk to him about shit when it bothers me, and and I do that... He gives me that? The 3 repeated quotes.
Can you honestly tell me you'd talk about something that hurts you with someone who sounds like an answering machine? And they keep reminding you that you should talk.
>>17283055
How many times do you need to tell your boyfriend that your family is dying?
He's trying to be supportive and said his cheap clichés
There ain't any extra shit to be done.
He can't help your dying folks
He can't make you feel fine they're dying
Get your mind off the death and live you depressed mope
>>17283055
No op, you're being insensitive
>>17283055
He might not know how to act in those situations. Better than talk to him, cuddle up and try to feel connected.
"life moves on" is a shit thing to say, but it's true in the end (and there are a lot of ppl thinking that this helps you through the process).
I'm sorry for your grandmothers, cancer is a bitch. Try to be close to them and supportive.
>>17284046
This. My girlfriend sometimes tells me how she gets anxiety at the thought of her grandparents dying but dying is just what old people do. I tell her that, and she doesn't specifically like it. But what does she want me to say?
>oh no they'll live forever, but on the off chance that they do die you won't miss them
Unless he's lost someone close to him he's not going to understand. Even then the relationships we have with people are all different and unique. Its probably impossible for him to comprehend what youve lost so what else can he really say. As long as he's there for you when you need him then dont read to much into the dumb shit he says. Everybody handles that kind of loss differently
>>17284046
Seriously? Is that the idea of a good relationship? Someone who is potentially your "soulmate" has nothing to say to you other than some trite things that are literally what an awkward stranger on the street would tell you then feel embarrassed about?
>>17284314
This is different because this is a static comment/feeling and there is little concrete stuff you can react to. You could try to go into the direction of a talk about life and how death makes time alive more precious but it depends on the person whether that's what she's looking for. However, you CAN tell her that you want to support her but you don't know what you can say to her. That is open communication, not just throwing out responses but also showing what's going on inside.
As for OP's situation, this is actually happening with constant updates. So it seems likely that what happens is that she says something like
>oh god my mom broke down to me today about how her mother is dying and I had no idea how to be there for her
And instead of holding OP, thinking with her about what she can do to show support for her mother now or try to make sure she has a meaningful last period of time with her mother (in law), he goes "it's part of life". That's pretty wooden.
As for OP, I don't think (and hope) that he is being insensitive in the sense that he doesn't care, I think he just has no idea how to handle this and he's not great with emotions (possibly people) to begin with. It's time to spell out what is lacking.
>>17284335
Also wanted to add that I did miss the bottom part of your OP. If you've been together for six years I think you know him well enough to have a gut feeling about whether he cares or not. It is perfectly possible that he doesn't. Some narcissists (not even necessarily literal narcissists) can be perfectly pleasant as long as other people give them shit they enjoy, like upbeat company. When it's about you in a negative, draining way, they're out.
>>17284335
I mean yea he could definitely be a bit warmer, but if my girlfriend complains about the same thing over and over again I tell her that I don't care anymore. For a couple of weeks she would complain about work constantly and I told her I didn't give a shit and that if it bothered her so much she needed to find another job. I don't want to be dragged down by my partner's neurosis. Life can't be 100% good, and constantly crying about the bad stuff doesn't make it better.
>>17284355
"Complaining" about the same thing over and over again? OP's situation is hardly comparable to bitching about your colleagues being dumb or work being boring. This is a big coming of age thing in her life. She sees her mother, the person who used to be her rock, who is literally her origin, crumble like just another human and she suddenly needs to support her. She has the prospect of losing two family members potentially very close to her.
That is hardly "life not being 100% good", it's suddenly being confronted with the realities of death. It's needing to shape up to break free from the parent-child dynamic to support your parent as one person to another. It's realizing that one day SHE will be her mother and will have to say goodbye to her parents.
That's a lot. And I very much doubt that she comes home and says "oh baby, my grandparents are still dying and my mom is still depressed". She more likely updates him on specific events because she wants to live through this WITH him, she wants him to show her what he's made of now that she's being tested, and instead he's pretty much checked out.
But honestly, it baffles me that you would even think a comparison between whining about work and this remotely flies. OP's situation has absolutely nothing to do with neurosis but with human suffering.
>>17283892
Maybe he just doesn't care that much and views the whole thing as a bother (i wish gf being so mopy).
6 years though? Don't you know him?
>>17284381
I guess I'm just not close with any family members so it never bothers me to think about them dying.
>>17284381
Spot on. I don't talk about it every day, I talk about it at least 1 per month or so. Last night I called him up and kinda brushed it again and said: "I hope you will bear with me the coming months, it won't be long now at least a few weeks the doctor said. She's lost her sight now and barely eats anymore."
That's what I said and he repeated "it's a part of life" - now adding to the fact that my grandma is nowhere near the end of her life. She's in her early 70's. She should not be dying. She was fit and in great health, so this is not just some old person dying. It's a sick person dying.
But yeah, I actually don't complain or talk about depressing shit with him.
>>17284391
I do know him and I also said in the post this isn't a new thing. But it's new in the sense of his replies.
>>17284499
He doesn't care. It's pretty obvious. Not about your family, not about your feelings towards them. How is his relationship with his family?
>>17283055
You're asking people on 4chan if your boyfriend is insensitive.
Yes.
Yes he is.
>>17283055
Most of the people I know including me only deeply care about a very small group of friends and family, sometimes not even the latter.
I was like him a few years ago. I became more simpathetic towards the death of family members when I experienced the death of my two grandmothers almost at the same time. Maybe he has not been in a similar situation yet.
Anyway, what you are asking for is for your boyfriend to fake his own reaction. It is his character, and for that there is no cure.
>>17284314
When my grandmother died i didn't even cry. I knew she was very old, she lived her life, and it was her time to pass away.
I really don't understand why if i don't cry and act like a little kid, people think that you are insensible. Fuck, grow up, you're not a 10 years old kid, act like an adult.
>>17284515
My point is he tells me to come to him about these things but when I do, it seems like he doesn't care.
He doesn't talk emotions with his family.
>>17284603
That's why he doesn't care. All he cares about is to tie you to him emotionally, but he's so uncaring that he doesn't even realize that what he tries doesn't work. He actually thinks that telling someone who's loved one is dying that it's natural that it will comfort them. He's emotional intelligence is just zero. Not talking emotions and being distant with family just confirms that.
I said almost the same thing to my gf, i mean what did you expect him to say? He can't magically make them well again.
>>17284671
So I should just stop talking about it with him? That'll go right against what he tells me to do or does he just say it to appear caring? Like "you can come to me" as in, "I'm just saying that to make you feel better but I don't really care"?
>>17284697
Not what I said but shouldn't you be able to talk about shit like this with your partner or did I completely misunderstand that part of relationships?
>>17284763
OP, you don't want him to care about your grandparents, you want him to care about YOU. About how you feel and comfort you and tell you it's going to be ok and you'll make it through together and that sometimes bad stuff happens and if you need to take some time to be sad and angry that's ok.
Thats what I would say if my bf was in your position.
What you're asking for is 100% reasonable and your bf sounds like not only does he not care about your family, he doesn't care what you're going through. That's not ok in a relationship.
My advice is to listen to him when he says "you can talk to me about anything" and talk to him about THIS. tell him how it makes you feel rejected when he replies the way he does.
This turns the conversation from your grandparents to you and him. If he replies with "I'm really sorry babe. I just don't handle this stuff well and don't know what to say" then that's one thing, but if he replies to that with "that's just life, I don't know what you want from me, I can't do anything about it"
Then you know he doesn't care about you at all.
>>17285289
Best response so far.
If he indeed doesn't know what to say, walk up to him next time you're down and say this "I'm feeling sad and down because of my grandparents, I'd like some cuddles to feel better" boom you'll get cuddles and you will feel better.
>>17284499
>She's in her early 70's. She should not be dying
kek. she's like 5 years off. it's part of life princess, cope with the situation.
>>17284335
>Someone who is potentially your "soulmate" has nothing to say to you other than some trite things that are literally what an awkward stranger on the street would tell you then feel embarrassed about?
Then tell us what would YOU do if the situation was the opposite.
Fucking woman, you expect something without asking for it.
>>17285289
It's been like this before but it was a slightly different situation. I was going through a lot and I leaned on him way too much. He's the type who doesn't tell about his feelings, he doesn't talk and he actually said that he doesn't want to. His way of dealing with things is to not deal with them at all.
But we've gotten better at talking about our feelings for each other, so I guess I thought I'd receive some comfort by talking to him. You know, I'd compare it to the famous psychiatrist scene from Hollywood movies. "Mhm, aha go on.." yknow.
Anyway, I'll talk to him about it. Thank you.
>>17286104
I hope you don't ever witness someone you love die from cancer. :)
I wish you and your grandmothers and your mother all the best anon.
>>17286479
That's how everyone dies. You seem needy and immature desu.
>>17286630
>desu
Yeah, I'm the immature one here... Totally.
>>17286620
Thanks man.
>>17286831
Smh desu senpai gb2 Reddit
>>17286475
>he doesn't talk and he actually said that he doesn't want to.
He doesn't understand his own feelings, that's why he runs from them and buries them.
>>17286831
try posting t.b.h. without the periods
bakas these days baka
>>17286934
IT'S CALLED AN ELLIPSIS, FGGT
>>17287149
Literally retarded...
