Why do I keep falling so hard for men who either are sexually deviant, verbally abusive, or physically abusive?
I do have daddy issues where mine was always drunk growing up and was so verbally abusive we had to attend family counselling when I was 3.
1 guy wasnt truly a sexual deviant, just loved trannies. He punched me in the side of my head and before tht shoved me off a porch before I finally broke up with him after 4 years.
The other guy was an online relationship where he was manipulative & controlling but had this personality I fell quick n hard for - dominant, sarcastic/great sense of humor, intelligent, and adhd like me. He was jobless and a jerk a lot with some jokes, but we thought a lot a like. But he loved incest fetish so much I caught him talking online to milfs and having phone sex with em, receiving money/ gifts and even talking like he cared for them. He liked the daddy rp too much with me... it became creepy. & the amount of control he had over me wasn't natural. I found him when I was 16 yrsold on a bbw dating site. But when I turned 17 he told me I'd gotten to big and if I lost 40 lbs he'd be attracted to me like never before n wouldn't need other women. I lost 36 lbs and he began talking to me again. But soon after the ddlg & cuckold fetishes began to make me feel ashamed of the rp that I did for him. I started cutting again bc I hated the things I did for him & hated that I was never good enough for him.
I finally realized he was at least a paedo when I found his stash of loli stuff online among other things... I wanted a half dominant half sweet, witty man, and half of him was those things but the other half of him was an evil. manipulating piece of shit w/ serious sex issues.
Why did I let him control me & want his love so bad... I'm xtremely kinky but not extreme deviant.
Are most dominant guys like this or was that 1 guy using me? He enjoyed playing with my anxiety disorder too like he'd taunt me about stuff he knew truly scared me
>>17280800
>Why do I keep falling so hard for men who either are sexually deviant, verbally abusive, or physically abusive?
You're the key factor here. Until you get help and realize that certain factors in your life lead you to choose men with certain personality types, you will never have a happy relationship. You also need some serious therapy, because your self-esteem is non-existant. Narcissists can smell it on you and attract broken women.
>>17280800
>I do have daddy issues where mine was always drunk growing up and was so verbally abusive we had to attend family counselling when I was 3.
You answered your own question.
>Are most dominant guys like this or was that 1 guy using me?
In the core the vast majority, yes. Some of them are better and more sophisticated at manipulation and you won't recognize it for a long long time.
>>17280800
This was impossible to read, what the Fuck are you saying ?
I'm aware I'm one screwed up chick mentally, but I want to know why I tried for so many years to make this 1 guy care for me like I cared for him. I don't think my daddy issues explain why I let him manipulate me in truly embarrassing ways.
>>17280819
If you can read English at a high school level you can read what I wrote. It may be too long for you though, go to another post.
>>17280800
Because you're a fat whore anon.
Do you like yourself? Do you do anything outside of men? Who are you?
>>17280818
Even when I repeatedly caught him lying I still wanted to convince him I was the girl he should want... Can daddy issues really account for that kind of stupidity?
>>17280821
>I don't think my daddy issues explain why I let him manipulate me in truly embarrassing ways.
I don't think you understand narcissists or the tactics they employ to get people to do/feel things they normally wouldn't. You were also 16, without some sort of strong male figure in your life, which is why you seek these people out. You never had love/approval from your own father, so you seek it out in older men.
Again, get help.
>>17280821
Yes, it does explain. You don't know how to relate properly to men because you lack a good role model, so you revert to basic people pleasing which never work. Imagine if a guy threw himself at you and worship the ground you walk on. Would you fall for him for that?
People are attracted to values, not services. People use services.
Also, you chose men who are damaged themselves and can't properly handle a relationship like your father, so even if you were perfect wife material, you would be fighting a very uphill battle.
>>17280827
Yep. I agree with what a previous anon said, that this is an issue a therapist can help with.
>>17280827
It can, if you're a naive, broken person with issues. People that manipulate seek out people like you because you're just that easy to control. You're asking the wrong questions here.
>>17280827
Yes it can.
>>17280826
Yeah I'm a whale but I'm not whore.
The post was about my love life, but yes I do plenty of things in my life. If you meant sexually then no I'm just attracted to men. I wish I could be bisexual but I just don't get off to women unfortunately.
>>17280836
Good point. But I already knew I'm weak and too much of a people pleaser. My own therapist has tried helping me with that.
>>17280827
You're an emotionally weak person with serious self esteem issues. People like you are magnets for abusers and manipulators. You need to respect and value yourself much more. Also get fit. Exercise helps with self esteem issues.
>>17280834
I've been in therapy since I was 14 for anxiety and adhd. My depression is 10x better but I'm still bad at dealing with trauma from my past and anxiety.
>>17280833
I have dated a guy like that and hated it, so I see your point. And you're right about me dating damaged men, but I truly don't intentionally seek them out. Maybe it's a subconscious thing?
>>17280847
Yeah I've been going to planet fitness for 5 months now and honestly my self esteem is the best it's been in at least 6 or 7 years. But you've made excellent points.
>>17280854
>Maybe it's a subconscious thing?
Yes, both of them come from your daddy issues.
People pleasing and giving away your self respect is always a no go in a relationship, but you do it because you can't respect yourself and don't know better. The things you are attracted to also stems from this.
What are you attracted to in men?
>>17280847
And even though my self esteem has improved so much I still have trouble with men. I have serious trust issues and don't even try dating anymore. I feel like no man will love me like I love myself. I don't mean to sound like I'm throwing a pity party for myself....
>>17280868
I do respect myself a lot more than most girls in my sex life. I don't like hook ups or casual sex and I seek men I feel bring positive impacts into my life. But the men I tend to actually fall hard for are terrible people.
I like men who show some kind of self confidence and headstrong attitude. I like a guy who knows how to be kind and show manners but also be dominant to a point. But most of all I look for men with a personality that goes well with my own like a witty, somewhat crude sense of humor. Also I like men who express interest in being faithful but the ones who do that often aren't faithful at all...
>>17280863
>>17280870
Keep doing it and do it hard. Not just for losing weight. If you build up some muscle on you, you will have much more endurandce, and that helps emotional instability and self esteem issues A LOT simply because you will be able to do more than the average human.
Trust issues are natural after being treated by a lot of men like you were, from your father to your boyfriends, but you need to realize that this is a biased sample because you chose to be with men who are crap. There are a lot of loving men who have successful and happy marriages. I know it's hard to believe it and take your chances. It's like explaining /r9k/ that a lot of women are really decent you just attracted the abusive ones with your own behavior.
>>17280833
And the guy I cared for online also had to see a therapist for adhd and his therapist told him he thought he showed characteristics of being a womanizer... Is there a way to spot men like that in the future to avoid dating them?
>>17280800
Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder and/or Autistic Spectrum. Most diagnoses of ASD has a comorbid diagnosis of ADHD (over 78% last I checked), and a higher comorbidity for anxiety disorders (incl. OCD) and depression (it's rare for an autistic person, especially those that don't KNOW they're autistic, to NOT have significant anxiety and depression issues that manifest largely as ADHD behaviours). Check out Neurodiversity if you're curious about the ASD stuff.
But really, it just sounds like Borderline Personality (probably on top of ASD and the aforementioned, desu). ASD and BPD are both pre-ego-aware ("egodystonic" if you wanna use that terminology) conditions affecting perception, brain function, cognition (how you actually think, before specific decisions are made about what to do with/act on the info you're thinking about), social skills and communication, language and nonverbal processing and understanding skills, physio-motor control, etc.
Pc
>>17280879
>I do respect myself a lot more than most girls in my sex life
No, you don't. They may not value their bodies, but you don't value your time, energy, sanity, and your body after you give in to abuse and and actually enable abuse by being kind and nice to them. Being abused and treated like shit for validation isn't much better than being a cumrag for validation.
What you listed traits are valuable traits but almost all of them can be faked for show off. I think you just don't see the red flags and your bullshit detector needs some fine tuning.
Look for more natural behavior. People who don't try to show off to you, and just live their lives. Befriend them, and see how well you can click and solve problems together.
>>17280896
There are a lot of different kinds of womanizer, so they are hard to spot. The succesful ones usually don't stick around if you don't put out fast. The less successful ones can pursue you to the end of the world. Read PUA, and try to identify the manipulation patterns.
>>17280885
I didn't know that about endurance, thanks for that bit of knowledge & I'm rlly trying to push myself to work out every day and my diet is a lot cleaner than it ever was during my childhood. I was overweight even as a toddler so I don't know what it's like to be truly healthy yet. But yeah I'm trying. I know there are good men out there and some have tried asking me out. but even guys I knew for a fact were genuinely decent upstanding men I've turned down bc I'm too scared of the past repeating itself.
It's really made me lose out on opportunities to date well mannered, kind hearted guys... I just can't get a grip on my trust issues right now.
>>17280819
same here
>>17280902
follow up...
...also...sounds like the men you get involved with are all Borderline as well, which at the very least (but not entirely and not only) points to issues of projection, externalization, lack of self awareness, and an intense struggle to acquire said self-awareness, self-confidence, total self-control, and total self-assurance, by projecting your own dysfunctions and pathologies on to other people that are comparatively similar, because you're not doing a good enough job of identifying said patterns WITHIN yourself. And, obviously, you're doing a very good job of beginning to identify those same or similar "patterns" (not saying you necessarily do or would do any of the same stuff, obvs), which is clearly your way of trying to take what you've learned about that "type of person" and try to work it into a worldview that makes more sense and provides more useful, legitimate, accurate, trustworthy information on how to proceed "forward" in some way past these particular obstacles in your life and mentality.
Morale of the story. Stop going on fucking 4chan for advise; see a therapist, or do a bunch of googling, or grab a book, or just outright give yourself more time to think about decisions before making them so that you can (start) to make less decisions that you dislike and make more conscious decisions based on what you actually WANT, instead of what you feel you need to ACCEPT (because you don't need to accept being "borderline", and you don't need to accept "being disabled" or "being dysfunctional" or anytihng absurd like that, because it's only true when you allow yourself to internalize the thought and act that way. You're only borderline if you don't properly understand yourself and humans properly enough that you can't maintain a proper "non-borderline" personality without extreme stress, energy, etc.)
Anyway. Just my combo of personal experience + extensive neurodevelopmental psychology and psychiatric/pediatric neuroscience edu.
>>17280914
What's your weight and height?
If you can't get a grip on it, just stay away from dating for a while. Live your life, seek something that's challanging and meaningful, and build your self esteem. Once you have much more of that and some public respect for whatever you do, you will handle trust issues much better. The fact that men are interested in you even though you are overweight and with trust issues means that you must have a lot going for you personality wise and in facial asthetics, so you shouldn't devalue yourself.
>>17280907
Okay, so was the guy I fell for online the less successful type? His counselor told him most womanizers can't admit they have a problem so it was good he was able to.
Did the fact I didn't send a lot of nudes encourage him to chase after me more?
It took a year for him to stop sending letters and call my phone at random hours but over the years he always did that whenever I got the courage to tell him to screw off.
That cycle went on for too long though.
>>17280927
He seems to be the archetypal creep. Don't send nudes to creeps.
>>17280903
I think everything you said is spot on and sound advice, but I do respect myself more than most people assume. But yeah I've looked for validation from men who didn't deserve my time. And if I didn't value my sanity I wouldn't continue seeing a counselor even though it's become too expensive to afford and I wouldn't constantly look up ways to handle my adhd more efficiently so I can get a better paying job.
I'm genuinely trying hard to mend my mental health issues. But I acknowledge my love life shows my ugliest problems...
It's so strange because I sincerely love myself most of the time. I also can point out my worst traits as fast as an emo kid... i constantly struggle to find a balance... and my therapist thinks I over analyze myself too much but how else am I supposed to fix myself? I can't help that I over think, my brain is always on but it's probably just my adhd
>>17280932
right there is truly sound advice.
>>17280939
>how else am I supposed to fix myself?
You're not supposed to. You're supposed to live your life. If you always look for the fault in you, you will be an easy target for abusers who blame their own abuse on you. You are the easiest kind of person to gaslight.
>my brain is always on
That's why you can't find happiness and love, and this is what stems from your loveless childhood. You always want to solve the problem. You always live in your head, and that blinds feelings and good perception. Are you a good communicator? Do you "get" social situations and where people coming from quickly? Not just with men but with your girlfriends?
You sound beyond saving desu. Maybe go to a psych and get on some lithium.
>>17280922
If you'd read my comments you'd see I already research my issues and have been in therapy for a long time.
And the advice I'm getting on here is truly helpful... 4chan has some God awful shit, but the advice I've gotten on here is a lot more honest and straightforward than my hippie social workers. Maybe you don't understand how bad the mental health care is for people who can't afford an actual psychologist...
Last time I saw one of those was when I was 15 and the bill was outrageous.
>>17280922
And people with adhd often exhibit impulsive behavior and that can lead to reckless decisions, drug addiction, etc...
But I understand what your point was.
I'm incredibly good at judging people until my feelings get in the way. Then I turn into a jackass.
>>17280924
Yeah my personality in rl is a lot less pathetic. I'm really witty and good at building people up when they need it.
5'3 188 lbs. Most of its in my hips, ass, and thighs unfortunately so my workouts the last month or so have mainly been to slim that section down. But I do have beautiful skin and hair.
>>17280949
I'm a great communicator most of the time. However when my anxiety or stress levels run too high I distance myself from everyone.
if I spend a couple days talking way too much I have to take time to "recharge my batteries" but that's mostly because I get tired of being social sometimes and need my own space to chill out.
>>17280949
But why am I so intuitive and good at fixing other people's problems but not my own?
I'm excellent in my judgement right up until my love life and my own impulsive thinking needs to be worked on.
>>17280954
I bet it makes you feel better to act all demeaning to strangers on 4 Chan.
I don't blame you.
Men with stubs for dicks often get on here to blow off steam.
>>17280976
>I'm really witty and good at building people up when they need it.
Then you have the skill, you just have an emotional block from past traumas. Build self esteem, and do things that help with emotional stability.
>>17280976
>5'3 188 lbs.
Lose at least 60 lbs
>>17281001
>>17281007
> I have to take time to "recharge my batteries" but that's mostly because I get tired of being social sometimes and need my own space to chill out.
You're an introvert, that's not the end of the world, just look for people who can respect that.
>But why am I so intuitive and good at fixing other people's problems but not my own?
Because you have an independent point of view. Everyone is like this. The hardest to solve are our own problems.
>my love life and my own impulsive thinking needs to be worked on
Seek challanges, force yourself to think more rationally, and practice it. Self control will naturally be easier after that.
>>17281016
Not really you're beyond fucked. Reread all your blathering. Ideally take it to a psych. Please get medications.
>>17281016
I don't need to take it to psych, I don't need advice for my mental health... that's just where the conversation drifted to because of my love life...
Im not fucked either, Im on the right path. But I feel sorry for you. Why be a cunt to someone who came here looking for advice about their choice in men?
-lithium isn't used to treat adhd, my brother was on it for bipolar disorder.
& Mental health issues are simply hilarious to make fun of until you find your best friend's lifeless body hanging from a belt loop in their bedroom.
I hope your big mouth doesn't get throat fucked too hard by karma.
Oh man I was and still a bit am just like you.
Get it together. I tell myself that everyday. I'm not only a bit chubby but I'm not book smart which means no successful career. . .
Lose some more weight and stop settling.
I'm currently settling for my bestfriend who I don't really think is attractive to me. He just can't get girls. Fuck my life..
>>17280800
Haha, what in the world is wrong with you?
This is some of the most autistic shit I've read in a while. You literally said someone had control over you when you never even met them irl, you just "roleplayed with them over the internet" HOLY FUCK LOL!
>>17280818
This. Inherently dominant guys are rarely loving and warm with their intentions. Most guys who are entirely dominant in a kinky way are sadistic and manipulative in their personal lives as well. Be careful.
>>17280800
>I do have daddy issues where mine was always drunk growing up and was so verbally abusive we had to attend family counselling when I was 3.
ding ding ding
time to get some more therapy
but if you already have and it hasnt gone anywhere then here I'll give you the cheat code to a good relationship: find a guy whos parents arnt divorced
>>17280821
Gosh, I got exactly similar experiences. My ex was able to make me do basically anything for him and I am so embarrassed and sad about, even after several years.
>>17280800
go away u mexican girl
>>17280823
Ifyoucanreadata4thgradelevelyoucanreadwhatiwrotedoesntmakeitpleasant.
