[Cont.}

I've been in love once before, with my ex. but I fell in love while in that relationship, not before it.I was able to act on that love. I think in hindsight it was one-sided- maybe he cared for me a lot, but he didn't love me. I don't mean to be all cliche "I guess I just love too hard, too fast" but is that it? Should I just get a fucking lobotomy? When I love it's so fucking overwhelming and it makes everything else hard to do, like I'm constantly multitasking. I can't focus on myself. I'm in college, I'm working on my career, but I abandon people and obligations for this person. How do I make this less toxic, how do I become less toxic...

Fuck I'm so lost. This hurts, I've never had this before. I don't know what to do. I think this love feels this way because of the pain of it being unrequited, and knowing he probably doesn't know, and burning to tell him but frantically afraid that he'd find out and he'd leave me by the wayside- I can't lose someone so important to me, not again. I guess the main question I wanted to ask was "guys, have you ever had a female friend that was in love with you or crushing on you, and did you know/did you ignore it/could you work around it/was it just completely obvious and embarrassing". But I threw a lot of other questions in there. This whole situation has made me very upset and jaded towards love- it aches in a cold way that closes up my throat and tightens my chest. It's simultaneously the best and worst feeling when I'm around him.

You suck at story telling.

>>17274374
I guess thanks for the honesty

wasn't really trying to tell a story, just hamfisting a keyboard. What else would you want to know

I have a girl like you in my life and if she were to confess her love I'd be surprised but I don't think I'd react negatively. He's 'friendzoning' you because he likes having a reliable friend who can provide a female perspective on things. It has nothing to do with you being attractive or not - even if he'd gladly kiss or fuck you he knows it'd change your friendship for life and he's decided that's not worth it.

If you're that madly in love then just confess it. Just be aware that what you have now with him will disappear and things will change whether he reciprocates or not.

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How about being honest with yourself and just tell the guy straight up how you feel? If he rejects you then you can get some closure and will ventually be able to move on.

Tell him how you feel (make it shorter than this wall of text though)
Don't even put an ounce of blame on him
Don't talk about love, use measured words
Tell him you don't want to lose him but want to set things straight
Tell him you'd rather have him as a friend than not have him
Don't overthink it
If he truly is a good friend he won't run away

I had the same situation but gender inverted, talking about it made the whole thing much easier

>>17274333
Tell him how you feel. You won't know anything for sure until he knows about your feelings.

>>17274380
>>17274383
>>17274393
>>17274397
So far consensus seems to be to completely out myself.

Yeah, I wasn't planning on using the love word on him at all, I've practiced the pitch to myself loads of times.

I've had a LOT of male friends in my life confess to me. I know how it feels to be on the other side of it, and it's not great. I don't typically try to push them out of my life in response- because I do in fact value them- but they all drop contact exponentially when they find out I'm not interested in them that way. I've talked about this with this guy, mentioned how it sucks when guys spring this on me- he's witnessed it several times, too. So I feel it'd be this blatant... betrayal almost.

I do appreciate these words, though. So no one thinks "continuing to bottle it up and hope it will pass" is a solid game plan?

>>17274333
I'm in a similar situation.

I made 2 threads about it already (one of them >>17274141), but I didn't get half satan digits so one of them pruned.

Your friend is a lucky fuck.

From what I've gathered there's only one solution. Just blab it out.

Also, this >>17274383

Considering this is no bait

Well basically i was in the same situation, or i am in regards to the just sex thing.

I had a best- friend who is female, her best female friend(yes this sounds awkward) was talking for some reason very often on facebook to me, she added me directly after i met her. She was a kinda nice person , especially to me it seems and well , stuff happened and we came together. Then she started to post pics of herself, cutting her arms. I broke up with her because this was no means because she was mentally ill, it is because she wanted attention from many people, i wasnt the only one she sent pictures of this. Also i do not like watching blood so it was pretty mean from her since she knows this. Basically in the end it happened to be that my best female friend is together with my ex but well i do not really care for some reason. Anyways, while that happened i didnt broke up with her yet, but was afraid that she might commit suicide altough, not because i am so nice, but because it might end up police coming to me etc. I met another girl, for some reason told her that kinda stuff, she offered to come to me over the weekend because i felt bad and in the end we just had sex :/ didnt felt that great , etc. Well i couldnt go to the birthday from my best female friend, because that girl didnt liked it that i would pop up. They broke up someday, my female friend came back to me, i wasnt really nice nor bad to her, but i didnt saw her as a friend . Well after a while we never have written a word to each other again.

This led to the situation how i am feeling right now, its kinda the same response i would give. Your friend might have very different reasons why he hates girls like this, but well, this has nothing to do with sex. You can simply say that you really loved him all the time, you might be surprised how many men would like to hear something like this. And then you could go on some dates how things work out. If not, then not. Life is going on.

>>17274333
>We have conversations a lot where he indicates that he wishes people, and himself, weren't so sexual... that he "falls prey" to those feelings like anyone else, but he wishes they weren't a part of his life.
To be honest, OP, we see a lot of people like that around here. They almost always get like this because they don't think it's possible for someone like them to get into a relationship like that, but they still long for it, and they want to stop wanting what they think they can't have. Most of them also have feelings for some woman in their lives: someone that they think they can't have.

I am telling you this because based on what you've told us, I think you should go for it. Tell him your feeligs about him are changing, and you think you're falling in love with him, and if he doesn't want a relationship then you can respect that, but you want to try.

I think your odds are actually very good.

>>17274404

You already admitted your friendship is based entirely on you having an excuse to be near him.

How do you think you'll react when he gets a girlfriend or starts telling you about a girl he's been fucking recently? From your description I can imagine you being violently ill and jealous.

Spare yourself that and just get it over with now while you still have a chance to make something happen.

>>17274404
Don't "confess", it's not a life or death trial, it's just you being honest
I'm sure if he cares about you, romantically or not, he will be understanding
Again, don't make it more dramatic than it needs to be

>>17274416
genuinely grinned and laughed at this one. I appreciate hearing this opinion. I don't think he's going to have a girlfriend for quite a while- he's been on a 3-year dry spell and I'm more or less the closest female to him right now, besides his mom and his mom's girlfriend haha. And this relationship is based primarily, at least on my end, on making excuses to be near him. I've definitely made a shit load of excuses in the past 3 months, when this all kicked into hyperdrive.

>>17274405
whoa dog I didn't even notice my trips. Hopefully that's a good omen, or at least a sign that I should study witchcraft. I'm glad you think he's lucky, because this feel like the shittiest thing.

>>17274406
The issue isn't just wanting sex. Neither of us are the kind of person that just has sex with someone like that. I've done that before, but I am far, far past that point in my life. I'm stupidly infatuated with the idea of love. So I'm not worried that I'll tell him, we'll have sex, and then I never see him again- the concern is if telling him outweighs a) the valuable friendship we have and b) the chemical rush of being in love but not having the responsibilities that come with it being acted upon.

>>17274422
Any advice on the approach?

>>17274409
He's had two long-term relationships. I don't know if he feels that way, that no one could love him like that. That's very interesting, though. I'd love to hear more on this.

>>17274366
I think a fear of loss like that is based a lot on insecurity and projection -- you have a fantasy of the loving relationship you want, and you're fantasizing that this guy can provide it to you. It's like you fear to lose something that you don't actually have and aren't pursuing.

I think this dude you're interested in right now sounds kind of fucked up in the head in terms of sex and love, and doesn't really have much of an understanding about what he wants regarding those. Such a person is unlikely to make for a good partner.

But, if you're interested in him, tell him. And if he's interested in you, I think the two of you need to immediately have a conversation about what he wants (or thinks he wants) and what YOU want.

If he rejects you, oh well. That's fine, do what you need to do to get over your feelings (including stopping contact with him if that's what you need) and then look to find someone else who's available.

As far as not letting this fuck everything else in your life up, slow the fuck down with worrying about your relationship shit. You should spend time with the person you like, but slow down your expectations of getting into the relationship that you want to get into. A good relationship almost has to develop slowly because it takes time to really get to know someone and to learn how they're going to behave. Make your relationship better by keeping all the other aspects of your life running smoothly.

>>17274439
While you're in the process of doing something (going to a club, playing tennis,...)
"Listen, I want to tell you something. I care about you and I really like to hang out with you. Beyond the friendship though, I think I may be interested in you romantically. I'm telling you that because I want to be honest with you and I don't want to lose your friendship."

It's too long, dramatic and it needs editing but you get the idea. Make it your own, make it short. Remember what Churchill said about making a point.

>>17274451
Again I dig the perspective and honesty. First part had me smiling because that's so true, it's been something I've been trying to be very aware of in myself. It's a lot easier to fantasize about a relationship because we already get along fucking great- but I know that whole dynamic might shift if the perception of feelings shifts.

How do you think his perspective on sex and love is fucked up?

I wasn't even looking for a relationship, I wasn't looking to find love or anything, I've never ever been the kind of person who was frothing at the mouth to be in a relationship, I've always tried to be independent. I was almost content and resigned to the idea of having only myself to rely on for the rest of my life. So yeah this was a bit of a monkeywrench, threw me completely off. Good advice on getting everything else running smoothly, that will probably help with the insecurity and any lingering anxiety. I've also been trying to tell myself that maybe this could ease into something, the longer we're close friends. It's just been weighing so heavy on me that I needed to flush some of it from my system, and I can't have that flushing involve me making a move on him- not without feeling like I have backup haha.

>>17274462
lmao tennis. I'll definitely have to jot some of that down, very helpful.

>>17274474
>How do you think his perspective on sex and love is fucked up?

This notion that he wishes that sexuality wasn't part of his life, and describing the expressions of romantic interest as being "ulterior motives".

It sounds like he's uncomfortable with having physical desire, and it makes it sound like he doesn't place any value on the idea of a romantic relationship. That he asks you about guys that might be interested in you indicates that he may have some feelings of jealousy (that he might not understand), but his unwillingness to do anything about it sounds like either deep ambivalence or insecurity.

You already seem like a big ball of anxiety. I think you'd be better off with a guy who knows himself and is very clear and direct about letting you know that he wants you.

But hey, you don't know until you try. So if you want a romantic relationship with him, then try to have a romantic relationship with him.

>>17274511

This guy pretty much knows what's up.

>>17274520
>>17274511
yeah he does know what's up, holy shit

He's not my usual type by far, he super introverted. Definitely have gone for guys that were willing to admit attraction then act on it (you know, given that I'm into them as well. I've asked guys out before and I'm not afraid to make first moves but...). I don't think being introverted/shy/reserved in itself is an indicator for insecurity, but you may be right. We've talked about this, about sex and feelings, since we're close friends. I'm still trying to understand his point of view on it (which is why I'd absolutely love to hear from more anons who can relate to him), but I don't want to harp on the whole love/sex/romance topic with him because that can be frightening and off-putting and completely obvious.

I've had anxiety for a lot of my life so you're spot fucking on. It's been really manageable lately, but I'm in finals week right now, plus I'm moving soon, plus money problems, plus all this shit so the dam has broken. Obviously I'd want to get things settled before saying anything or making a move- but initially this post was trying to collect perspectives from people who have experienced similar things, or to be convinced I'm a complete goober who needs to get fucking over it.

I've really enjoyed your advice and perspective though. Incredibly useful. Do you have any more words on maybe approaching his ideas on sex and relationships? Again we've talked about it, and he refers to people who are "ruled by impulses to have sex" as "fuckin animals". In a way I respect this, because he'd like to think he's capable of more than base instinct. But also, obviously, I think that sex and relationships are a lot more than that.

>>17274564
>>17274511
He also seems to think that relationships are mostly.... I guess useless? I don't know how to word it. But he hates seeing two people cling to each other so much, mostly when they stop seeing their friends as frequently and devote themselves to each other. He's seen his friend's emotionally manipulative girlfriends, and he's been with girls who stop hanging with their own friends after a while and become dependent.

I've never had the problem of abandoning friends or being emotionally manipulated/ive. So I don't have those biases. But I have seen friends completely change and become radically different people when they enter a relationship, even drop some friends to some extent- I used to think that was the most disgusting thing, but now I completely get it. I get how being changed by someone can help you actually move forward. I think it has to mostly be his feeling bitter about his own friends.

Again a lot of this is just my cathartic ramblings, trying to put unformed thoughts into tangible words so I can work through them. But this perspective is therapeutic. Seriously I'm so open to all these ideas and bits of advice, so anything anyone has is welcomed completely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poFXWUTEs1k

>>17274680
perfect and depressing

>>17274333
>pic related it's me
No it's not until you post a picture with a timestamp.

>>17274574
>He also seems to think that relationships are mostly.... I guess useless? I don't know how to word it. But he hates seeing two people cling to each other so much, mostly when they stop seeing their friends as frequently and devote themselves to each other. He's seen his friend's emotionally manipulative girlfriends, and he's been with girls who stop hanging with their own friends after a while and become dependent.

Now I have no advice to offer, but this combined with your earlier descriptions of him makes me think he's a pretty cool guy, would definitely befriend if I could

>>17274564
I think dude is insecure because he's obviously uncomfortable with his own sexuality as well as the sexuality of others, and he doesn't know himself or how to behave in a way that he thinks is positive while in a relationship. As you know yourself, being in a romantic relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to become an out-of-control slave to your genitals or have to abandon yourself (or the other people in your life).

Pure speculation here, but I also wouldn't be surprised if he has a lot of insecurity about his sexual performance.

Look, I don't really know what's up with you or this dude. I see attitudes in him that I see a lot of (mostly younger) guys who are insecure with themselves and others. I don't know why he is that way, how he's going to react to you if you approach him with the idea of a romantic relationship, or if he's going to get past it (though most people tend to lose their insecurities or at least manage them better as they grow up and figure out who they are, what they want, and how to behave).

Like I wrote earlier, I think if you want something with this guy, you should pursue it. I think that about ANYTHING you want though.

>>17274787
He's very cool. I don't like him for no reason- and while I don't agree with all his ideas on relationships or sex, I do completely see his side and even felt those same ways myself at times in my life. He's a quality friend, the kind that wants to keep the people he (carefully) lets in around for life.
you want to exchange emails, set up a little date, maybe you can bring him out of his sex shell ;^)

>>17274794
You have great interpersonal intelligence. Wonder why he's uncomfortable, very curious. I don't want to get that mentality of "oh man I'll fix that trait in him/I'll be the solution to the problem/oh you poor broken boy let me mend your sorrows" shit. But since on the most important level I'm his friend, I'm curious about the psychology of this. How does one get to be so uncomfortable with one's sexuality...I agree 200% with you that he has some traits and ways of thinking that are totally in line with younger guys- at the very least, they're things I thought in highschool. I figure time itself can give him perspective, since that's how most people work through it.

and I don't know what's up with me and this dude either

>>17274837
I can't bring somebody out of the same hole I'm in. I have no advice for exactly this reason.

>>17274874
Fair enough. You could just get coffee and have deep, personal conversation- who needs sex, eh?

>>17274333
>>17274366
Trips and dubs and you can't make a coherent post. Good job
Well, you should eventually let him know. Maybe hold is hand or something while you guys are out. I'm currently dating my best friend.

>>17275863
It's an excuse but I was also running on zero sleep at the time, studying for an exam. I was also mostly just writing a stream of consciousness. I just woke up and I feel far more coherent.

I'm probably like this a lot though.... next time I'm delirious, I'll proofread haha.

Any others out there have opinions like my friend? I'd love to hear more on this perspective.

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>>17275863
>women
>coherent

>>17276428
fuck I shoulda proofread that one, too. I guess 2.5 hours is an inadequate bandaid for 56 hours of no sleep.

>>17274333
Honestly, just tell him that you love him and tell him why. This guy seems like someone wanting more than just sex. Prove to him that you have no ulterior motives. If you truly love him you don't have any.

>>17274564
I can help.
I hold similar views to this guy.I don't really like how everyone is trying to integrate sex into everything. I don't believe sex is even the point of having relationships. I feel that the joy you get from the relationship comes from the fact that you are in love with the other person and that sex is just part of showing love. I am also against sex outside of marriage because of a lot experiences I have been through. I respect sex and I don't think we need it daily. Many people use it to get away from their problems that they refuse to face.
Just because I'm abstinent doesn't mean I would reject a girl confessing their love for me. I would just want them to be ok with my views. You shouldn't date someone if your core opinions on life clash with theirs. You can't change people only they can change themselves.

>>17276522
Yeah, it's not that I want to change him- I just want to understand this point of view more. I'm comfortable in my own worldview and don't plan on altering it for this dude, but I'm also a very open and understanding person.

Last boyfriend had issues having sex because he was borderline alcoholic, and he'd done a lot of coke in the past (the alcohol was a substitute for him. He long since dropped the drug habits, great dude, but you can't win em all). His dick just didn't work quite right, and even when it "did" he would completely psych himself out of it and not be able to perform. I let him know it wasn't a huge deal, that I still cared for him and wanted to be close to him. Sex started as a nice thing in that relationship, but it got to a point where it just wasn't a factor- I'd be asking for it and not getting it, but it taught me a lot about the other side of the male sex drive. I'm not unaccustomed to the idea of there being minimal sex in a relationship (I'm also down with copious amounts of sex, as was featured in a different ex), but these are different reasons this time around.