Hey guys, I know this is probably really basic, but I want some advice on how to become better friends with people. Pretty much everyone I know aside from one friend who for some reason has really made an effort and now considers us to be super close, is just an acquaintance to me.
So I have a friend who I've known for about 4 years, met her at a con. She invited me to hang out at a cosplay meet with her friends and I went to that a few times, but I don't feel like I ever got to know her that well or move past the acquaintance/mates stage. She came to hang out with me and my friends for day/overnight and we roomed together, so she's comfortable enough with me.
The regular meets stopped and because of the distance, it's been about 3 years since we hung out. We were never really chatting either inbetween meets. She's mentioned it before that we should hang out again and I happened to be commenting on a post of hers the other day.
So we ended up hanging out yesterday with her and a few of her other friends. I gave her a lift home so we got a chance to be together and chat for a bit and it felt good, but I don't want it to die there.
I'd really like to get chatting to her regularly online inbetween hanging out (because we'll probably only be able to do it every few months I guess).
I feel like after yesterday, this is kind of an opportunity for a fresh start. Ie it's not awkward like messaging someone after a few years and trying to get chatting.
So how do I get to a point where we are chatting regularly? With my other friend it just kind of happened. I guess she made it happen and I went along with it and we chat daily. I'd like that with this other friend and to become close with her, maybe even a relationship.
So, is becoming close friends something that just happens or do you have to kind of make it happen?
>>17271121
The answer is buried in your question. You praise the friend who really made an effort, and yet you give little indication that you have done anything to reach out to the new girl. She invited you, you "ended up hanging out" and so on.
It can't all be one-sided. You have to initiate things. You have to sometimes be the one who phones/messages/texts first. You have to be the one to invite her places.
>>17271136
Thanks, I guess I didn't realise it before. I want to message her and chat but I always feel like I'm bothering people or they don't really want to chat so that's what puts me off.
If we can get to a point where we are talking regularly things would be so much easier, but it's that initial thing of finding an excuse to message her in the first place then keeping her engaged when she's likely got long term friends also competing for her attention.
stop fapping
Random question. Do you kind of just keep chatting and hanging out and hope things go your way, or would you actually say to someone, like "I want us to be close friends?" it seems like a kind of cringe thing to say but I don't know if it's the done thing.
Like you see it on TV and stuff "let's be friends" but who even says that lol
She seems to have broken up with her boyfriend at some point. She left a status saying she's feeling down so I messaged her to see what's up and that's what she said. I asked her if she wanted to talk (about other stuff) or if she'd rather me leave her alone and she wanted to be left. Glad I didn't push it but she was slow to reply so I feel she's probably messaging her other friends. Kind of disheartenting that she didn't wanna talk at all but only natural I guess
>>17271121
how to depen friendships:
>Stress
>Time
lets start with
>stress
stress brings people together. its the reason soldiers come back from overseas feeling like they are brothers. the reason teenagers make really strong friendships so fast is partly because they think everything is stressful. they think everything is hard, and the end of the world, and dramatic. they get emotional about everything. and they share those emotions with each other and support each other and quickly become the best friends ever. even if the stress is imaginary, you can still bond over it.
now stress doesn't have to be bad, and it can be manufactured healthily. by which i mean, you can do things that require more effort than just hanging out and chilling.
Got a really good co op game? play it with your friend. play it til the end. beat the game together. go camping together. go on a road trip together. make a movie together, write a book together, anything that makes you work together. something more than just sitting around and chilling. enter a contest. find a friend and do anything that takes at least a few months to complete and keeps you close.
>>17272426
another thing is
>time
now i dont mean spending years together. cuz many people who have known each other for years only know each other superficially.
the truth is that most 'friends' in adulthood meet at max once a week. they use each other simply to relax or have fun. its usually in a group, but even the 1 on 1 time is shallow. you talk, catch up, then go back to your own lives.
someone can know someone for six years and not beclose.
on the other hand people who share the same job and work together daily become REALLY fucking close. or the person you go to school with. or like when you are a kid, spend a lot of time wtih, 1 on 1.
in a group people are less likely to share private details. one on one, they are. less to be embarassed about. people dont share secrets with groups. they share it with one person.
dont be afraid to have an adult sleepover if you can convince someone. the above mentioned roadtrips, camping trips etc. are also great ways to bond. anything that can you hanging out for a full day instead of just the lunch chunk of the day.
finally a third thing im adding
>share
if you want people to open up, you have to open up first. share something personal. you have to be willing to go to someone with a problem and talk about it, but dont whine regardless of the advice. you can say' i dont need advice, i just need someone to listen and to care'. if they are worth being your friend they will. they might share their own experience. and next time they have a problem they might come to you.
final thing, sometimes meeting new friends is the best way to make close friends. therea re other people otu there like you you just gotta find them. i met a guy at teh great horror campout last weekend. i went alone, he ditched his friends he wasnt too close to. we hung out all night and casually talked about going camping together in august. it sounded silly after the fact but we bonded pretty fast and just had great chemistry.
good luck
Thanks! That sounds like some pretty legit advice. A lot of it makes sense when I think back to my other friend, because she was going through a shitty patch with depression and such, and I just happened to be there. We became good friends real fast and she shares some really quite personal stuff now (though lately we hardly speak, maybe we became good friends too fast).
