I cheated on my abusive husband by emailing an ex (he initiated the emails, but I encouraged him while not explaining I was married) and planning to get back together with him. I was going to leave right away, not do shit behind my spouse's back (the email exchange lasted 3 days before I made up my mind), but it was still cheating and wrong. His behaviour since finding out has been psychotic and scary. The email ex found out I had lied by omission and wants nothing to do with me. I'm leaving in a couple of weeks and probably just going to be living with my family looking for shitty jobs again.
I know I should be more concerned with leaving safely and rebuilding my life, but... I can't stop thinking about the ex and how guilty I am about lying to him/crushed I am that we can't be together because of my foolish mishandling of things. How can I get more perspective? How can I forgive myself/get over it?
i just have one question
why do you still stay in such an abusive relationship and then just wait for another man to be with while you are still with first one?
dont you women know how to be alone and independent?
>>17270945
Well, I've actually been fantasizing about living alone in a concrete underground bunker where nobody could disturb me for over a year. I tried to break up with my husband several times, but I am financially dependent on him (can't get job, waiting for visa approval) and I lied to my parents and said I went abroad for a legit job. He did initially "hire" me and promise to pay me, but then it became a relationship and I accepted the fact I wasn't going to be paid. Every time I tried to break up he said it was either be together or leave completely. Going back home would have meant telling the truth to my parents and feeling shamed. Of course I've had to do that now, but the behaviour really ramped into overdrive after he discovered the cheating, so my old ways of excusing him have fallen by the wayside. People think it's just psychological manipulation and weakness that makes people stay in these situations, but actually it's usually because you are actually dependent on them in a material sense. SO MANY women in these relationships don't have their own money or have kids with the abuser or something.
The "other man" is someone I literally would have gotten back together with at any point after he broke up with me. He's the only person on the planet who could have convinced me to do what I did. So it's less about trying to go off with some random guy as a replacement, and actually really caring about it on a genuine level. That's why this fucking sucks, if I was just using someone to escape or "save me", it wouldn't be such a big deal that he no longer wants me.
>>17270957
Like... it's really funny, I came here in an attempt to be independent. So I could live somewhere other than with my parents, leeching off them, and make money (it was suggested I'd make $400/week with free room and board, so I could have saved up $30,000 by now if he had actually delivered). But then, it became this. Fucking hilarious really.
>>17270957
>Well, I've actually been fantasizing
Well.. Make sure you keep fantasizing for the next two weeks as he continues to abuse you. If you close your eyes real hard and think of that bunker then it won't seem like he's doing it to you.
If he is abusive then drop it and forget it.
My future wife cheated on me before wedding and I still felt guilty for leaving her for that because once she made me promise that "whatever happens, I'll never leave her" because she won't survive that since she had family problems, mental issues, etc.
Holy shit but I did not expect that shit when promising her!
>>17270965
How exactly were you supposed to make that money? What kind of work?
>>17270957
>fantasizing about living alone in a concrete underground bunker
so typical
> I am financially dependent on him (can't get job, waiting for visa approval) and I lied to my parents and said I went abroad for a legit job
you allowed this yourself to happen
>He did initially "hire" me and promise to pay me, but then it became a relationship
this is just disgusting. from both him and you. OH HE IS NOT PAYING ME WELL NOW I CAN MARRY HIM AND HAVE SEX TO MAKE A LIVING YEAH THIS SEEMS NICE
> Going back home would have meant telling the truth to my parents and feeling shamed
the only way to get out of this mess you call your life is to face your problems. otherwise you will always end up being somebodies bitch, just like you are now.
>The "other man" is someone I literally would have gotten back together with at any point after he broke up with me. He's the only person on the planet who could have convinced me to do what I did.
the only person you need to convince you to do something is yourself.
you seem like you only seek to get something out of people, especially men, and not actually give anything, well unless you feel like you can get something out of it.
you dont know how to love people, you dont know how to love yourself. you just push yourself in deeper trouble because you feel somebody should take care of you.
and may i ask you, are you living in spain with a 15 year older guy?
>>17270981
bumping to get an answer
pls dont get killed by your husband in the meantime
>>17270972
Oh you mean why haven't I just run away? I'm being blackmailed. Also, there is relatively low physical threat (only 2 instances of physical violence in past, most was control/emotional abuse) so I feel comfortable staying to sort out stuff to protect the person (other than me) who would be doxed if I upset him.
>>17270979
Secretarial stuff and cooking/cleaning. Other odd jobs as well.
>>17270981
>OH HE IS NOT PAYING ME WELL NOW I CAN MARRY HIM AND HAVE SEX TO MAKE A LIVING YEAH THIS SEEMS NICE
I understand I haven't given that many details, but we got in a relationship after 3 days when I was still expecting to be paid, because I got on with him and was blindsided by being asked point blank to be someone's gf instead of being messed around. The initial reason there was a hold off on paying was "I can't write it off on my taxes until you can legally work here". By the time I said "well, forget paying me even then", my plan was to do it as a favour because I loved him, and get a paying job when I got the permit. I never stopped doing the work, and the amount he pays in supporting me (~$20 food a week and half rent of $400 a month) is less than I would have gotten in minimum wage for doing the same job.
>you seem like you only seek to get something out of people, especially men, and not actually give anything, well unless you feel like you can get something out of it.
I think my husband has gotten more out of me (2 years free labour) than I have of him.
With the other guy, I didn't want to live with him lol, neither of us have any money. We wanted to be together because we had great sex, like each other loads, and only broke up in the first place due to distance issues.
I supported myself (didn't live with parents) from 18-23. All your other comments (issues, etc.) are fair.
>and may i ask you, are you living in spain with a 15 year older guy?
Everyone involved is around the same age.
>>17271026
I thought you were my ex and my heart skipped for a moment.
Damn I miss her. I hope she is doing fine.
>>17271039
Really? What kind of crazy story is it that it looks similar?
>>17271065
Its a long story and I broke up with her almost a year ago. Let's say she had a chance to go to abroad and that at one point she seriously considered staying because of me but then I broke up with her because I realized she wanted to go.
And somebody was in love with her and wanted to help her go and I think she fell for that other guy too.
None the less I dont know whats going on with her and I hope she is fine. Im just too scared to cantact her.
