File: ce0dbde556259f37ee3c3b35ccc8e2b7.jpg (115 KB, 605x836) Image search: [Google]

115 KB, 605x836

I have a mental evaluation in a few hours to determine if I should still be receiving SSI. I'm worried they won't think I'm mentally ill "enough" because I'm "smart" and "well-spoken".

The problem is, I spend most of my days pulling myself together as much as possible and trying to seem as normal as possible. I get deeply embarrassed and ashamed of my depression, anxiety, inability to focus and think, and OCD. I haven't been on medication for years because I went to a psychiatrist who made consistent rude comments about my appearance and would accuse me of not taking my meds when I told her I felt worse and I didn't think something was working for me.

Most days I struggle to get out of bed, clean myself, or avoid constant intrusive thoughts. I pick at my skin on my hip (I stopped cutting years ago), I pull out my eyelashes (I haven't had any for most of my life and pull them when I'm stressed out, I was completely bald on my head at one point but I somehow ended up only doing it a little on the back of my head now), and I can't call myself agoraphobic since I do go outside but I've missed four weddings in the past ten years because I can't make myself go outside. I lost my last job because I got so nervous I'd sit in the bathroom crying even if logically I could tell myself it was fine. I didn't show up a few days because I couldn't make myself leave the house, either, but you can't tell your boss that. The job I had before that I lost during a manic phase. I didn't realize how much I was talking and how fast I was going and I ended up screwing up the math and being under by $10, which was grounds for instant firing.

A few days ago I spilled some soup and basically had a nervous breakdown and started sobbing and I don't know why, I just felt intensely sad.

I'm not on meds and can't lie and I don't know what to say or not say. Any advice would be appreciated so I'm not denied.