>>17263828
Tell him to cut contact with her forever.
It's not a problem if he wants to have female friends, but not female friends who have feelings for him.

You can't be sure that he doesn't have feelings for her. In all honesty, I think you can't really stop to have feelings for someone you loved a lot, especially if you didn't break up harshly. It is important that he chooses you and sticks to it.
Don't be jealous of his affection for his ex.

well I can't know for sure what he's thinking, I'm only going to say what I know from my experience.

Exes can remain friends after breaking up without having feelings for eachother, I've known a few cases, but they're never that close and the circumstances are usually different. They can get along great, text each other and hang out sometimes but usually it's because they're part of the same social circles. The facts that they're usually alone when they spend time together and that they broke up only because one of them had to move away are a little worrying.

But then again let's not forget that he fucking proposed to you, so you should be sure that he prefers you. Still, my guess is that he still has some feelings for his ex, but he wants to be with you.

>>17263837
>Tell him to cut contact with her forever.
>Don't be jealous of his affection for his ex.
Chose one

>>17263837
I will just have to take his word for it, won't i?
There's no guarantee he won't have contact with her again ever.

I don't know. A male friend has told me the same. That if a guy loved a girl, that never really stops. You just learn to deal with it. Is that true? Do i just have to live with the scraps that she left?

What do you mean with "don't be jealouse of his affection for his ex"? How can i not be?

He has been very lovey dovey since we had a honest and lengthy talk about the situation yesterday. But i don't trust his words anymore. They feel like empthy phrases. I hate that. I want that feeling from before back... Hiw can she do that to us? Do i have the right to stab her in her sleep?

>>17263845
Exactly my worries...

Well, he proposed to me before she came out with her feels crap. Now i feel like he is really trapped. On one side there's his ex that he might still love that suddenly tells him she loves him back, on the other side is his fiance who also loves him dearly. Might be that he waited 3 years for her to tell him those exact words...

I think he's too much of a honorable man to break up the engagement over this, but i don't want to end up with a husband that will resent me at some point. Or start wondering what life would look like with his ex...

If he still has feelings for her i would prefer him to be honest about it and break up with me. I don't want someone to marry me out of a sense of duty.

>>17263851
> A male friend has told me the same. That if a guy loved a girl, that never really stops. You just learn to deal with it. Is that true?
No it's not true. People can stop loving others pretty easy in the right situation. It's just that your boyfriend never was in that situation.

The best thing you can do right now is to erm... insist to come along when he goes to meet her a few times. Get to know her, maybe figure out what their relationship is really like and mark your territory.

>>17263862
I don't think i could accept him still having contact after that. I won't tell him how to live his life, but if he wants to stay "friends" with her after that, i'll have to go

>>17263846
What his ex feels for him is not affection - she loves him and wants to get back with him. It's not real friendship. She wants a relationship and she's settling for the "friendship" because that's the best she can get.
When I say he should cut contact with her forever is not because this girl is his ex, it is because she is still in love with him and she tried to ruin his relationship with OP.

On the other hand, it is normal to still feel affection for a person you were deeply in love with, especially if your relationship ended on good terms and OP shouldn't be jealous of that or be mad at his boyfriend if he still cares about his ex.

>>17263851
He is your fiancé, he is going to be your husband. You really should trust him.
She is not responsible for your relationship. She tried to do what she thought was the best for her, and tried to win it back - maybe, yes, she has been selfish. But if you and him have problems it is your fault, not anyone else's.
Work on your relationship instead of finding someone to blame.

>What do you mean with "don't be jealous of his affection for his ex"? How can i not be?
There are different ways to love someone. How can you not love or care for a person who you shared a lot with? It is not the same kind of love you feel for your SO, but you can't just go "okay, I feel totally zero for you, I don't care anymore" with someone who meant a lot for you. You shouldn't be jealous because he cares about her, it is fucking normal.

>>17263873
I'm not jealouse that he still cares about her. I get that. And that's why i was alright with him being friends with an ex, UNTILL there was love involved again.

We don't have any relationship problems. We have/had the most wonderful relationship you can imagine up until that point.

She only had her own interest in kind when she did that. I'll tell him that.

He actually canceled plans to go away on the weekend because of this... I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just told him that i think her intentions are selfish and that i trust him, but not HER (Since i don't know her) and that i suspect that he MIGHT still have some feelings left for her.

I'll talk to him again this evening and ask him to tell me the truth, not what he thinks i "want to hear". And that not being honest will only lead to me getting hurt even more sooner or later.

What else should i ask/tell him?

She's made it clear she wants him back. As long as she has that goal sooner or later she'll succeeded in seducing him. This is coming from a guy who was in a similar situation to OPs fiance. I didn't think I would ever cheat but when she's throwing herself at you constantly it's bound to happen.

>>17263896
Why didn't you cut contact?

>>17263887
I doubt he has strong romantic feelings for her. If he did, he would have been with her now, since he had plenty of chances to get back with her, and he wouldn't propose to you.

Don't pressure him with stupid "tell me the truth" or "don't tell me what I want to hear".
Most likely, he truly is in love with you. Even if he has some sort of romantic feelings for her, as long as he chooses you over her any time, it's not a huge deal and you won't benefit from knowing it.

Enjoy your relationship, be happy with your fiancé and ask him to cut her out of your life so you two can move on.
Stop worrying over something that neither you or him have control on (her feelings for him) and work on the things you have control on: your trust issues, and your happiness in the relationship.

This situation is 100% NOT okay. if your fiance is serious about you and you're going to be married, it is absolutely unacceptable for him to continue a friendship with a woman who is in love with him. It would be unacceptable for you to be friends with a man who was in love with you, so the same applies here.

You need to be straight forward with him and lay down the law. Tell him it is fine for them to be friendly and cordial in situations where they are likely to cross paths but one-on-one meetings and continuous contact between them as 'best friends' is disrespectful to you and your relationship.

If he is serious about you two being husband and wife this should not be an issue for him to do.

>>17263828
>my questions are: is it even possible that he ACTUALLY has no feelings for her anymore?
Yes, it's possible he doesn't have any romantic feelings for her.

>If so, why was he still friends with her?
Because he likes her as a person.

>If not, why would he propose to me?
Presumably because he loves you and wants to marry you.

I wouldn't look at this as him necessarily sticking to his principles, and three years is a long time to prevent himself from being with her -- if that's what he wanted -- simply out of "principle" (really more like spite and butthurt). I tend not to go backward in relationships, even if I love someone I can recognize that I don't want to be with them and want to move on with my life. I know I'll get over it and when I do, I'll be capable of being "just" friends unless they turned out to be someone I simply don't want in my life at all.

I'd feel a little uncomfortable that he phrased it as "belonging" to you as if it's now a matter of obligation as opposed to what he wants -- that he loves you and not her. It's worth having a conversation with him about that, and that his "duty" to you is not to get married, but to give you a husband who wholeheartedly and unreservedly loves and wants to be only with you.

I think it's very unkind for you to portray her as exhibiting "evil". It's not in your interest for her to try to get back into a relationship with him, but that's not about her trying to hurt you. It's about her wanting him. It's his response that's important.

If you want to know if he still has feelings for her, you should ask him. Obviously, people can lie (and if he does, it can be because he's also lying to himself about how he feels), but if he's let her know that he doesn't have romantic feelings for her and that if she tries to have anything but a friendship with him that he can't have her in his life, I think you should trust him.

Oh man, you are digging your own grave right now.

Is it true, that the love of a man stayes forever until the trust is broken? Absolutely YES

BUT men love in another way than women do. Women thrive on hope, the hope that this man brings a good future, that things will become better, that he changes to the good, or in case of his EX, the hope that she wins him back.

Men love differently, for a man love means finding a girl who he can care for and maybe start a family with. A girl he falls in love with every time he sees her. A person you get to know deeply, get used to and function with like a team.

But beeing used to someone never goes away unless that person drastically changes or abuses your trust.

A lot of advice in this thread is bullshit like:

> he is trapped
between two women he can marry and get happy with? thats not a trap, but OP is setting herself up to failure and trapping herself into jealousy
> force him to cut ties
the person to set up an ultimatum in a relationship is at the same time setting up the end of the relationship. fact is, he does not cheat and you flipping your shit means you distrust him. you try to force him = you loose him and she might win him.


now here to answer your questions:
> why is he still friends?
he is used to beeing around her and her trying to get him gives him a good feeling and she is not a bitch to him. For men, not beeing a sucker is enough reason to spend time with a person.

>why would he propose to me?
because he loves you (in the way i stated it above, he is used to you, feels happy with you and gets happy everytime he sees you). He isn't doing it for her and he doesnt have any plan behind his back

It seems that he is fully aware of the manipluation she is trying to pull on him, but as you see, he doesnt fall for it. And men are pretty resistent to that kind of stuff if they dont want to let it happen.

Advice: fullfill his needs before yours and respect him like an army general another woman, that's for sure

>>17263910
I pretty much agree with this. I think that he should cut contact with her until she can get over her feelings of romantic love/desire for him, and in the future he should stop meeting her alone just out of deference to protecting his relationship with OP.

Both to avoid rekindling feelings he has for her, and out of deference to OP and making her feel more secure that he's committed only to her.

>>17263925
>Advice: fullfill his needs before yours and respect him like an army general another woman, that's for sure

meant to say "and he will never lay an eye on another woman, that's for sure"

Thanks anons... You helped me a TON. i feel much better now about the whole situation. I hope we can work this out.

>>17263828
this is exactly the risk when you date someone with an ex still in their life. While I know there are exceptions the probability it too high something will go amiss. I learned the hard way but will not for any reason go there again. ex still around I am out. Life is way too short to deal with another couples drama even if they say they are an ex couple.

>>17263985
Well, i was already pretty deep in when i found out she's his ex...
I'm a firm believer of not being friends with exes myself. I think it's a huge red flag

>>17263828
He had the chance to take her back, he didn't. He is a man of principle, so if he says something its 100% true.
Try to meet the bitch, let your fiancé see what's she's like.

>>17263828
>fiance has female best friend who's also his ex (they dated for a year)
>they split up 3 years ago because she went abroad for undefined time

Without reading the rest I knew this was not good. Then I read the rest.

>basically, they only wheren't together because he was holding on to his "principles"
The fact that he's still holding on to her is not good. He will tell you all night and day that he's not holding on to her as a backup plan. He will even convince himself at times. But experience has taught me that more often than not, the "opposite sex best friend" is a real threat and you should be concerned. ESPECIALLY if they only didn't work out because of "logistics".

He has feelings for her. Like, people will naturally have thoughts or minimal feelings about an ex that are uncontrollable at times but harmless., but being "best friends" with someone like this just amplifies it. It's fucking stupid on his part. He thinks he's got it pretty good right now, with his wife (you) and another lady friend he can fall back on in case it doesn't work out between you two.

Wish I knew a solution other than suck it up and deal. Besides telling him that this worries you a lot. I only hope he listens to you if you do.

>my questions are: is it even possible that he ACTUALLY has no feelings for her anymore?
At this point, no. If feelings were not clouding his judgment he would've seen how a platonic friendship is impossible after that message she sent him.

Also, if what you gathered is accurate he sounds like a petty man determined to bully her for as long as he can.

>>17263899
She was a co-worker not an ex, always acted flirty with me despite knowing I'm married and at first I didn't really discourage her because honestly it was flattering.
Often after work we (group of co-workers) would hang out at the bar and we would usually be the last 2 of the group to leave, just talking about random stuff. I knew she was interested but I did see her as a friend and told myself it was fine because "it's not like were ever gonna fuck or anything"
After a while she started to imply in a roundabout way that I would be happier with her than my wife, when I threw water on that line of conversation she apologized, acting really hurt and embarrassed, basically wanting me to feel sorry for her (I did, I know it's dumb but at the time, I did).
I turned her down then, but that seed of doubt had been planted. You start to entertain the thought. Even if you're not interested, when she lets you know that she's an option you can't help but at least think about it.
Long story short, I ended up sleeping with her. After that sexual tension was cleared only then did I feel guilty and think back to all the chances I had to not fuck up.

Basically my point is that the longer he stays 'friends' with a woman that he knows is pursuing him, the more he lets that temptation build, the higher the chance that he'll eventually let his guard down and give in