Hello /adv/, this is my first post here and I need help. Please don't make fun of me, the last days have been the worst in my life and I self-loathe myself enough already.
I am completely serious about anything in this post.
To understand my problem, I have to talk a little bit about myself. I'm 18 years old and frequently visit the boards /r9k/ and /u/. Until a few days ago, I was quite content with
my life. It makes me really happy seeing cute 2d lesbians, and I wish I could be one too. I'm not a tranny (I think they look disgusting), so my only hope in that regard was to die and turn into a cute lesbian in the afterlife. I also share most of the political and social views of /r9k/, I would never date a girl who has lost her virginity (at this point I don't give a fuck about real women at all), fucking normies reeee, etc. So far so good.
I have a few friends (all male of course), and even though I consider myself straight for the most point (I like to fap to traps), I've tried numerous times in my life to initiate sexual contact with some of them. When I was 12 or 13, me and friend A fapped next to each other. I don't consider that actual sexual contact.
So last friday my best friend B invited me over to his house for a sleepover (we have these a lot, though usually at my house, his parents weren't at home this time). We played LoL together and did the drinking game, at the end we both were pretty drunk, it wasn't too bad. During that time I already hugged him several times, he didn't mind. When we went to sleep we shared the full-size bed of his sister, and I went pretty homo at him soon. Long story short, I rubbed and sucked his dick, and he rubbed mine for a short time. After he passed out again (he was more drunk than me I think) I started to feel guilt and shame on an incredible level. The main reasons for this: ...cont.
>>17254891
-I sucked my best friend's dick. I see this guy everyday, and I can't even look into his eyes anymore. Our year long friendship has been ruined forever by me. He doesn't seem phased by it at all and doesn't bring it up either, but I just know it will never be the same. He may be cheerful as usual, but I can't be on an equal level with him anymore now that I fucking sucked his dick and he only rubbed mine. I'm fucking ashamed, I even revealed disgusting fantasies to him like me sucking his dick while he played LoL (of course he declined, who in their right mind would do something like that? What the fuck is my problem jesus christ the internet ruined me for good.)
-I didn't really enjoy it. Sure, I was pretty fucking excited when I touched his dick, but in the end it ruined my life. I also think that my friend is pretty ugly and I only like traps. I think the reason why I did it is because if I can't get into a cute girlxgirl relationship I go for the next best thing. Or something like that.
-I pretty muched forced him. All the time he just went along with whatever I did. He didn't really resist, but he also didn't care about anything in that moment. I feel fucking shitty for when I touched his dick when he passed out for a short time. I'm fucking disgusting.
-I had sexual contact, which makes me a non virgin in my opinion. I feel like I don't belong on /r9k/ or wizardchan anymore, and it makes me feel like I have nowhere else to go. I used to laugh about stacies being total whores, now I'm one of them and I just want to die. No one on this planet can relate to what I'm going through. I don't want anyone, 3D or 2D, to bother about a straight guy that sucked dick.
cont...
>>17254895
Yuri, and moe in general, makes me feel like human garbage. Everytime I see a picture I would normally consider cute, I have to think of what I did that night, and that I'm a fucking worthless faggot that doesn't deserve looking at this stuff. I also feel like even if I would die that god wouldn't turn me into a cute lesbian anymore (I'm completely fucked in the head, yes.).
-I don't think there is any kind of solution to my problem. The damage is done, I can't un-suck my best friend's dick, I can't become a virgin again. My carefree happy days as a guy who enjoys anime a lot are gone forever and I will never get them back.
My parents know that something is wrong with me, I'm almost constantly crying like an autistic little piece of shit, but I can't tell them what happened. And when I say to them that they can't help me, I see the sadness in their eyes. Tomorrow I'm going to an event where you can talk to a psychologist for an hour for free and I'm gonna vent about everything there as well.
Pic related is what used to be one of my favorite pictures. When I look at it now I only feel regret, shame and the desire to end it all. Please help me.
Lol fag
so, basically, you raped yourself
The way you look at sex, relationships, the whole world, and yourself, is pretty massively fucked up, well beyond what anybody's going to be able to address here. You really need to see a therapist. Use your hour with the psychologist to get referrals to a couple good ones. Please actually follow through.
Look, I'm pretty conservative, not one of the free-loving sex-positive hippie SJW types who're trying to reduce sex into something as meaningless as a handshake or a hug, and I'm telling you, what you did with your friend isn't a big deal. It's a non-event. Harmless. There's absolutely no reason to be feeling this level of shame over it. Obviously me just writing that isn't enough to make you believe it or feel better, so for the time being just try to remember that, intellectually -- IT'S NOT THAT BIG A FUCKING DEAL -- and see a mental health professional as soon as you possibly can and start to untangle your various hangups you have about sex & your own self-image, because there's a lot of them, and that's not an insult.
>>17254898
what is the question?
>>17254935
I actually think that is a pretty good summary of what happened
>>17254937
Thank you so much, I did not expect someone as kind as you to help me. You have my gratitude.
Reading your post has made me feel a lot better. I understand that what I did isn't as bad as I think it is and I'm going to seek professional help.
Before I posted my story I thought that nobody could help me, I'm glad you opened my eyes.
Do you think that I should print these first three posts out and give them to the psychologist (not the one I am going to see tomorrow)?
>>17254950
I don't understand, I posted what happened and wanted opinions and advice on how to proceed if that's what you mean.
>>17254955
Bad emotions are still just emotions. What happened then is not happening now, there's no reason for it to affect you.
You are not what you feel, you are not what you did. Observe your thoughts and emotions without identifying with them, and they will vanish more rapidly to be replaced by something else equally unimportant.
>>17255060
Doesn't this just mean that everything is meaningless? And even from an objective standpoint what I did is nothing to be proud of.
>>17255068
It means you're free to interpret it in healthier ways. No one was harmed. You can't reduce yourself to a single action, thought or emotion because you're vastly more complex than that.
So did you like sucking his dick or not OP? Be honest.
>>17254898
>I'm completely fucked in the head, yes.
There's your problem.
None of the faggy bullshit you wrote down matters at all.
Its only about how you perceive things. Get your fucked up head fixed and find out what the fuck your problem (which is fucking unrelated to the bullshit you wrote down) is in the first place.
>>17255075
I never looked at it that way. I guess I shouldn't let all this get so much to me, though it's hard. Thank you very much for taking your time to help me!
>>17255080
I'll admit that it was kinky and kinda fun while I was doing it, but in the end it made everything so much worse. I wish I wouldn't have done anything.
>>17255090
It only made it worse in you're head because your freaking out. Your friend didn't seem to mind?
>>17255089
How is it unrelated? 4chan, anime and yuri all play a huge part in my life. I don't know where else I would get ideas like wanting to be an anime girl from.
>>17255092
Unlike my other friend this guy didn't really mind me getting close to him. At one time he said that I am molesting him but I think he was joking since he never pushed me away, he only made it hard for me to take his clothes off. At one point I kissed his cheek and he said "I knew it", which made me realize that he also kinda wants to continue. In the end he jerked me off for a short time, and told me "Promise me that we (or you, I'm not sure) won't do this again." Then he passed out and I started to regret everything. I left the bed and slept on his couch. I actually wanted to kill myself at that point, but was too pussy as always. When he woke me up again the next morning, my friend was happy as usual and asked me if we wanted to play League ranked together. I was incredibly distraught at this point and went straight home where I slept again for a few hours.
When I saw him for the first time after this (at a bus stop), he was behaving as if nothing happened, but we didn't talk a lot until now, because I was too ashamed and sad.
Well, it's alright to be grossed out by what you did. I don't know about ashamed. Take this however you will, but it's also probably unhealthy to view virginity as some sort of a virtue, and the fact that you see it as such may be contributing to the fact that you're demonizing yourself over losing it. But what do I know. Best case scenario, both of you brush this off as a dumb thing you did a long time ago, you talk about it, and everything's fine. Worst case, you start to grow more distant because of it, and you have to find a new friend. Either way, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not like you're doomed to an existence of sleazery from now on.
All I'm getting from this thread is that OP is a closeted gay.
>>17255121
I just fear that this shit is going to tear us apart (which is pretty much all me at this point). My friend seems pretty confused by my distant behaviour, but I fear that he makes fun of me for sucking his dick when we're alone. Or when we get into an argument and he says something like "Shut up, or I'll tell everyone what you did!" I can't really explain it but I feel like I'm completely at his mercy.
>>17255126
Maybe, but our friendship is more important I think
>>17255137
>I fear that he makes fun of me for sucking his dick when we're alone.
>Or when we get into an argument and he says something like "Shut up, or I'll tell everyone what you did!"
He doesn't really sound like a worthwhile friend from this description. But I don't know. If you feel like he's actually trying to use this as leverage over you, it may be a good idea to start cutting relations with him. That kind of thing can only turn ugly.
>>17255137
What indication has your friend given you that might make think he would throw that in your face? From what I read, he seems OK with the situation. You're the only one having a meltdown.
Have you tried actually talking to your friend about how you feel?
>>17255159
I don't think that he would actually do that, it was just an example of what might happen. To be honest it's me who is more of an asshole most of the time, though I would never do that would the roles be reversed.
>>17255162
He didn't really seem to care about anything that happened, though I think that he is also unhappy with the current situation since I hardly talk to him anymore, we just walk along in silence most of the time. I didn't talk to him about what happened yet, though maybe I should. Is it a good idea to have him come over to my house and just talk about it?
Hey at least you've tried it.
I've never sucked a guy's dick, probably never will either, but still it's one thing you've experienced that many of us never will.
>I consider myself straight
you are fucking faggot
I can tell by the anime pictures alone.
Please proceed to commit suicide.
excellent goyim
>>17255183
>Is it a good idea to have him come over to my house and just talk about it?
Why not? At best, you'll get it off your chest and clear things up with him. At worst, you'll at least know where you stand with him and be able find ways of coping instead of making yourself crazy with imaginary scenarios.
>>17255270
I can think of a better best case scenario than that.
>>17254935
Made me chuckle.
>>17254891
>>17254895
>>17254898
Wow my man, seriously you are a fucking hopeless human being. This has nothing to do with you sucking dick, just you're existence, the way you base your living on.
Fuck me, I thought I had a dysfunctional mentality.
Talk to your friend and get it out there, but you've got bigger problems than an awkward, relationship destroying night.
>>17255119
>4chan, anime and yuri all play a huge part in my life.
Why is it that they play a huge part in your life in the first place?
The answer to that is your only problem.
>Never got enough love from your parents
>They never took you to fun places
>I they never did fun things with you
>Neglecting parents work and/or own amusement is more important
>grow up as a loner getting bullied
>go to the chins
>>17254891
It's already over Anon. You will be taken over by your homolust again in the near future. You will start doing more and more depraved things until you come in terms with the fact that you were born to be a cumrag for real men. I recommend you get out of the closet and start taking hormones before it's too late. The sooner you start the better the results will be.
You fucking turned into a normie faggot. Never set a foot on /r9k/ again. Im screencapping this and if I see a fag like you around. I'll roast your ass.
>>17255312
made me chuckle. Seriously OP, you're gay. Get over it.
Unless you live in the bible belt. Then I wish you good luck
>>17254891
>Please don't make fun of me, the last days have been the worst in my life and I self-loathe myself enough already.
I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting, OP.
To be honest, it sounds to me like you've very, very ckose to hitting rock bottom. Part of you realizes just how terribly wrong your life has gone, and this is causing the trauma you're going through. It's a horrible feeling: I came to it very differently from how you did, but I've been there. Only you aren't quite there yet. There are two steps left that you have to take: the step onto rock bottom, and then the first step back up. And you very, very much need to take them both. At stake is your capacity for joy.
You took the red pill. That much is clear. But why, then, are you still drawn to yuri? Why, having distanced yourself from 3D women, do you still long for traps and 2D? Why are you so lonely, despite your circle of IRL friends?
Because the red pill is a lie. Everything you've been taught that builds on it is a lie. And sadly, its central place in your life right now means that your life -all of it- is a lie.
But there is hope. You can get out. All you have to do is reinvent yourself.
I apologize for putting that last in a way that makes it sound so much easier than it is. Self-reinvention is never simple. But it is the only thing you have to do. Everything you want will follow. But the lies must go. First the red pill, and then the rest.
You said you will be talking to a doctor tomorrow. That's excellent news. Let everything out; hold nothing back. And let them help you get set up with someone you can talk to more regularly. You need feedback when you're reinventing yourself, and mental-health professionals are key.
Leave this place. If 4chan's mods kept the /r9k/ containment in adequate check, I would say that you only need to leave /r9k/, but they don't, and /adv/ is one of their favorite raiding targets. Get off of 4chan completely. Ask your ISP to block it.
All I'm getting from this post is that OP is a faggot who doesn't realize that his beliefs are ruining his life, not his actions.
Even after reading all you wrote about yuri and moe and whatever the fuck it still doesn't mean shit. I'd say change your world view completely or talk to your friend and get this settled, the longer you let it sit the worse the tension gets. And don't suck this dick this time.
>Also there's no such thing as a cute lesbian. Lesbians in general are pretty butch and they're not moe blobs like in anime. OP need to get his head out of his ass and look at the real world.
>>17254891
>Long story short, I rubbed and sucked his dick,
Yep, this is what watching anime will do to you eventually.
