Need help figuring out what I want and if I'm being unreasonable or not.
Short story:
-with wife for 6 years, married for 1
-rocky relationship: few shared interests, constant fights about domestic responsibilities, resentment over one thinking the other contributes less to the relationship
- still a really good team if we try to be, but it has been getting harder
- she supported me through grad school, so there is a feeling of "owing" her
- she has been approaching me over the last few months saying that we need to fix things or accept that it won't work, I was in denial, didn't want to consider divorce despite my misgivings about us
Within the last month:
- connected with long-time friend who is, in terms of interests and personality, nearly a twin
- unexpectedly developed feelings for each other, fell in love
- saw my marriage as rotten, was planning to end it but started to get cold feet when I saw how painful the idea of it was to my wife, my family (but no kids yet)
- her husband found her texts, freaked out, but he said he wanted to work it out
- was determined to tell my wife it was over, but chickened out because I went to family for advice and they told me I had to fix my marriage, and I was scared of leaving my marriage if she was going to stay in hers (I know, I should leave a bad marriage regardless)
Now:
- agonizing about not choosing my friend
- still talk to her everyday, she's bitter I didn't pick her, but we still love each other
- convinced I should do counseling with my wife to end it "peacefully"
- friend thinks I'm lying to myself and that the option I've chosen above is really choosing to try to fix my marriage
- agonize about what I should do hourly, love my friend more than I've ever loved anyone, but hate the idea of hurting my wife more, because I still care about her
What the fuck? I either, a) know what I want but I'm not pulling the trigger, or b) I can't figure myself out, or c) no idea.
In essence, I want to choose her, so what's stopping me?
You are in a bad marriage with someone you don't love. Regardless of what's going on with your friend, you will ruin your life (and your wife's life, and any future children you might have) if you keep this going. You need to end it. You already know that.
>>17254956
So how do I accept that and say it? How do I commit to that path?
>>17254965
not the guy you were asking but I think there comes a point in complicated personal decisions such as these where no advice will do you any good and the best thing to do is to act in one way or another but with conviction and not to allow yourself to consider any other option.
you commit to the path by committing yourself to the path, there's no easier way to describe it
Wait a second. Why do you want to divorce her again? Because (1) you have few shared interests, (2) fight over domestic responsibilities, and (3) you guys aren't giving your 100% into the marriage?
I'm not sure if you've read any books or done any counseling, but that shit is 100% normal. Almost every marriage has that, bro. It's the rare exception if a couple doesn't have any of those 3 things.
And the feelings you have for your friend? 100% normal as well. But let me tell you something you probably already know: feelings are not love. And love is not an emotion. It's a choice.
Let me ask you, OP -- Why did you marry your wife in the first place? What made you decide to commit to her?
>>17254860
Well that settles it: I'm never getting married!
>>17254999
Why I married her:
- thought we were good team in terms of facing challenges
- were together over 5 years, living together for 4, and it was hard to imagine life separate from her
- had mixed feelings but figured they were typical cold feet (ie limited attraction to her, some brewing resentment over domestic stuff)
- felt that she loved me and would be there for me, which I didn't think I could find elsewhere
- she supported me for 4 years through grad school, felt indebted to her emotional and financial support
- relied on her during stressful times to soothe me, needed to keep that
>>17254999
Also, regarding my friend: the feelings drove it but we care about each other deeply and have for years. The romance is new, but we have had platonic love before that.
"End it, it's bad."
"That's normal, stay with it."
Ayyy lmao.
Eh, shitty situation. In the meantime, both women are becoming more distant because they can sense that I haven't committed to either decision...
You seem unhappy where you are and unhappy on where you may go as what could happen next isn't absolutely secure.
Pick where you want to be miserable next. Honestly, it sounds like you need time to find yourself - by yourself.
Coming from a divorced family my opinion settles on what works best for the people in the relationship. Not the relationship itself.
>>17254999
Love isn't a choice it's a conditioned feeling towards another person
>>17255417
Yeah going to talk to a therapist in the meantime to figure out my shit.
