I finally got my girlfriend over here to Canada as a visitor. Now I want her to go through the legal process to stay here permanently with me.
She says she wants to go back because that's where all her friends are.
If a girl truly loved you would she choose you over her friends?
This will totally end well
There's a lot of shit to consider here. How long have you been dating? How often have you met in person? What are your jobs like? What will she be able to do for a job? There's all kinds of stuff you need to talk about. You can't expect someone to just drop everything and leave with you.
>>17254134
>If a girl truly loved you would she choose you over her friends?
Maybe. Maybe not. But you're definitely a total douche and completely, 100% in the wrong if you force her in to that situation or try to guilt her for either decision.
>>17254134
She shouldn't have to. You're a shitty person and don't deserve her if you're making her choose.
>>17254145
Well she's a 22 year old university student from China, and I'm a Canadian citizen. We've been together for 2 years now.
The fact is, our future will be average at best if I chose to go through the complicated process of becoming a permanent resident in China and working there. That's something nobody from either side of our families would be impressed with.
From my perspective, she doesn't have much to hold on to in China. She does not have a good career lined up for her. We would have a household income of less than $2000 usd a month living in a shitty environment, with small apartment, drive a crap car, often get sick from food poisoning.
>>17254147
>>17254151
All of this would change if we lived here in Canada. I have a good career lined up here
>>17254151
>>17254147
Well she has to choose now. There is no other way. Unless you're suggesting me to go live in China with her
>>17254183
If she is driving any car in a big city in China she's doing alright. If she's earning less than $2000 US a month in China as a fresh graduate she's doing alright. She probably won't get food poisoning because either her or her housemates will cook.
Source: I'm in her country now
>>17254233
Like I said, she doesn't have a car or an income right now. she has no assets in China. Her only ties are the few friends she has. As well as close proximity to her parents.
It's pointless to argue with her or anyone else about where is a better place to live.
The only thing I want to know is: if she loved me enough, would she be happy to stay with me here? Is it because she doesn't love me that much, she wants to go live near her friends?
>>17254183
I was in the same boat as you 6 months ago man. I was in a LDR for 2 and a half years and just finished up my Uni, and I was ready to make the move out to Switzerland from the US to start a career there since my girl didn't want to leave (even though I had job opportunities here and she was working a min wage job with degree). You are at the ultimate decision point of a Long Distance Relationship, because at 2 years and a career change running its hard to make the relationship work without one of you moving to the other to really start living together. It put a lot of stress on the relationship trying to decide, and we ended up getting tired of having the same arguments and broke it off mutually.
I'll make this very clear, she is not choosing her friends over you, she doesn't love you any less. But this is the hardest choice any of you will ever have to make, this is the leap of faith. Be careful with this one and take it slow, I hope you have better luck than I did, but if you dont I urge you not to blame yourself or her, its just the nature of how LDRs tend to unfold.
>>17254266
Sorry to hear that.
The only plan I have now is try to be the best I can be, and hope she will be attracted to me enough that she won't think much about her friends anymore. How solid of a plan is this?
>>17254280
Focusing on yourself is definitely the best way to go. But I can guarantee you that it isn't just about leaving her friends, its leaving her entire home, her parents, all to move to a new country where she has no foundation for herself except for you. That's not to put anything negative on you, but its basically a move that would turn her whole world around (literally from the distance as well), even though you think it will make your relationship more stable, it'll also make her very dependent on you. Imagine if you guys were to break it off later down the road, how likely would it be for her to be able to make it on her own in a country she knows nothing about, with no skills or funding?
You may not think about it too much yourself, but if you were the one making this change, it would be hard for you too. I was ready to make it because I was tired of living apart and desperately in love, but you realize that once you're there, all of those other emotions would definitely sink in, she's just thinking about all of it beforehand, and it can be very overwhelming. Women are practical, because most times when they go all in, thats it for them for life. Just keep doing what you're doing
>>17254294
how did you go from desperately in love to breaking up like that?did you atleast get to see her in Switzerland?
>>17254134
Real talk. I moved about 500 miles away from my family and friends with my wife for job reasons. It isn't easy. You don't have to think about this because she came to you. You're near all your friends and family, but think about it. During times where you're at work or out doing something else, what is she going to do? If you're having a fight, who is she going to turn to for outside perspective?
This is something you both need to sit down and talk about ASAP because if one of you isn't willing to leave your home to be with the other, then your relationship is dead in the water. Do not guilt your try to trap your girlfriend in this either, her concerns are 100% legitimate. It's not easy to move away from a place where you're comfortable and used to, especially if it means leaving behind friends and family.
>>17254134
>If a girl truly loved you would she choose you over her friends?
If you truly loved a girl, would you force her to choose between yourself and her life?
>If a girl truly loved you would she choose you over her friends?
Yes
I moved to Japan and married my J-GF.
>>17254377
Had a few rough months, I was finishing up finals in my last year and didn't have as much time to talk, she was also in the process of moving back to her hometown, so we we're both busy and the relationship was really volatile. Eventually we both just got to a point where we were tired of not getting any validation from eachother, and the distance was just too much. I knew that we would've broken up either then or 6 months from then since there wasn't a way either of us could make the move out to eachother to start living together, things just happen. People drift.
We saw eachother every couple months, spent a few weeks there, some here, and some places we took a trip to. It was the best relationship ive ever had, but also the hardest. LDR is no joke
3 opitions
You move
She moves
Neither move
You have to balance all you have to lose and whoever has less to lose should move. If the losses are to big for the both no one should move, then you havr to decide whether to continue the relationship or not.
Simple answer with a though practice.
You know the answer as much as we do, OP. If she does truly love you she would do that. You are expecting to be loved in a fairy tale way. I was like that(and still am) with my ex. I expected her to do anything to try to be with me just because I did everything to be with her. She did not feel the same.
I am not saying you're in the wrong here, but just know that what you want is very hard to achieve. To be loved like that is a 1 in a million occurrence. You are in for a disappointment.
OP here.
>>17254812
I think mapping out something like that is a good idea.
What I have to lose:
-My potentially good career with high income
-Respect from both our parents and relatives
-finding a legal source of income in china (difficult since I cannot teach or work for the government)
- settling for a low quality of life
I'm not concerned about anything else including being with my friends and family
What she has to lose:
- being close to her friends and family
- learning English
Who do you guys think would be the bigger loser in this situation?
>>17254832
I'm beginning to realize that
>>17254785
That's rough. Sorry to hear it. I really don't want to be in that situation.
No matter what she chooses I hope I can still find a way to be happily together
>>17254857
When i said you i meant the 2 not you as a person.
The way you write is VERY biased towards yourself and condescending.
>>17254882
>The way you write is VERY biased towards yourself and condescending.
This.
>Who do you guys think would be the bigger loser in this situation?
Go ahead. Try and tell her that. I guarantee you it will not go well, and you'll just come off like a condescending and selfish as fuck prick... You're effectively trying to marginalize her concerns and treat her like a dumb little child for not seeing things your way...
I think YOU'RE the one who might not truly love her; especially given how little empathy you're trying to put towards her, and how much more concerned you are about trying to be about being right and how it affects YOU, completely avoiding and ignoring how SHE feels.
Don't get me wrong, of course you need to think about you too, but the fact that you're trying to make this so black and white is pretty revealing of the fact that your mentality is much more selfish than you want to admit.
If you want to find a solution, work to GENUINELY understand where one another is coming from, and stop being so damn condescending and dismissive.
>>17254249
You sound like a selfish prick. Have you ever thought that she doesn't want to leave her family or friends behind? You will literally be the only person that she will know and that's terrifying for anyone. So to answer your question, yes you are wrong and you shouldn't force her to make such a life changing decision like that.
I read some of the replies you gave to other people (not all of them) and I see that you are trying to act in the way you think is most practical and efficient.
It's good to be practical. But it is also good to consider the wishes of your girlfriend. You cannot ask ''if she loves me wouldn't she choose me and leave everyone else behind?''.
You shouldn't want that kind of relationship in which one person just gives up on everything to satisfy the other person. That is not good for her and neither for you.
You just have to give her the different options and explain to her what you think is most practical and why. Let her decide for herself what she thinks is best.
It obviously isn't an easy thing for her just to leave her family and friends, so don't act like it's an easy task, she will feel misunderstood and you will look very selfish.
Good luck anon
>>17254134
>If a girl truly loved you would she choose you over her friends?
depends on how good her friends are. if she has real, thick and thin friends, no, she wouldn't choose you.
if it's just normal ass friends, then it's a crapshoot, more of a practicality/convenience thing.
also you watch too many movies.
>>17255066
>>17254951
>>17255079
>>17254832
Thanks for the advice. I think I might have imagined our relationship to be far stronger than it is. I'll take your suggestions about taking it slow and giving her more freedom of choices
>>17254134
OP, you know in your heart of hearts what must be done.
[spoiler]Soundproof your basement and lock her down there for the rest of your lives. She'll learn to love you the way you truly deserve.[/spoiler]
Don't listen to any of these guys. Here's the real deal:
2 years is a fairly long time to maintain a long-distance relationship. As time goes forward, you're more likely to grow apart than to grow closer. So, the best option is to push for a closer relationship now. If she rejects it, that saves both of you time that you likely would have wasted had you kept up the long-distance relationship until you grew apart.
Given that her moving to Canada means dropping everything she has and committing her her life to her relationship with you, you should also bring some commitment on your part.
Ask her to marry you and to move to Canada. Ask her both at the same time. This is the best thing you can do. It shows that you're committing to her as much as she would be by moving in with you. It's only fair for her to expect some commitment for what she must give up.
If she accepts, everything is how you want it. If she rejects and makes a counter-proposal, such as having you move to China, talk things over with her. Don't forget to mention marriage every step of the way. If she flat-out rejects you and doesn't offer any other solution, the relationship isn't going to work out, and you two should save your time by breaking it off now.
>>17254280
>hope she will be attracted to me enough that she won't think much about her friends anymore
That's now how things work when it comes to friends and family, unfortunately. Your posts lead me to believe that you're not understanding because you're not really close to anyone, or that you've never had to make such a decision in your life. It's not about attraction or love, it's about weighing the pros and cons. And given your situation, there are too many cons and so few pros.
>>17254857
You can't properly make a list for her. You have no idea what you're asking her to give up by moving.
It sounds like she's probably scared, being scared holds us all back from things we don't know.
Talk through with her on these things, get her more comfortable with the idea. Let her think things through and weigh her options, but don't force it on her as the choice is hers and hers alone to make as it impacts her should things not work out in the future between you two.
she has more to lose than you'd think, loss of security, the thought of looking for a future job in a country she knows nothing about, not having family to fall back on for support should things not go well. she's going to be alone, save for you, which will inevitably put strain on your relationship.
start coming up with ideas to put these concerns at ease, otherwise you're being selfish.
What gets me you are pining over a career path or higher income that hasn't already happened. Don't bother persuading yourself that you have it made. Anything can go wrong - anything.
Never gamble on what you don't have. Only a fool believes they have the advantage when walking towards the future when they aren't prepared.
