I have a problem that I get the feeling is not too uncommon so I'm hoping someone here can help.
4 months ago I proposed and my now fiancée accepted. We had discussed marriage before, but never this one specific issue until recently. She is refusing the change her surname.
Her surname is Robertson, so not something rare that desperately needs preserving, and mine is Oxnard, not something completely hideous and unbearable. For me this is a dealbreaker. She said that the idea of a woman changing her surname seems like the man 'owns' her, and is refusing to budge.
I've already told her that if this really is such a big deal for her, I'm happy to call off the marriage and just remain cohabiting, but now she is upset. Ultimately I would like either one of two things.
>A, We marry and she takes my name
or
>B, We remain cohabiting.
Now she wants none of those two.
Why do you want her to change her last name to yours so badly?
I'm a female and I will never change my last name when I get married.
oxnard is a pretty shit surname, OP. If i were her I wouldn't change my last name to yours either.
>>17251907
Because having the same name is part of being a family.
I've been getting more and more put off by marriage with each passing day though, and now I'm thinking if she won't even give me this, what is the point?
>>17251915
It's uncommon but not horrendous, I've never been mocked for it.
Would you change your name to match hers? If no, why not?
>>17251920
> Because having the same name is part of being a family.
Robertson sounds a little better than Oxnard. Maybe you can change yours?
>>17251878
Honestly, I wouldn't budge on this issue.
It sounds like your family and your family name is pretty important to you, as is tradition.
>She said that the idea of a woman changing her surname seems like the man 'owns' her, and is refusing to budge.
And this is the biggest issue right here. A woman changing her last name to her husbands is a historical precedent in our and pretty much every society worth a damn that has ever existed.
If she decides this because of her feelings rather than on some logic, her feelings will eventually dictate that any action that you might take during the marriage may be 'controlling'. You are setting yourself up for massive headaches down the line if you allow irrational emotions to dictate the course of the marriage.
Both of you care more about your last names than each other. She's right that you shouldn't get married or continue cohabiting.
>>17251929
I'm sacrificing a lot to get married, if she refuses to follow this simple tradition, then for me that tips the balance.
Honestly, I think the benefits/risks of marriage are pretty much 50/50 as it is, so this will tip it to 48/52
>>17251934
I would disagree. She is not listening to his concerns by refusing to budge, and this is an issue that is very important to him and he is also refusing to budge.
Nobody is right in this situation. He has a line that he is unwilling to budge from and so does she. It sucks, but it is something that he wants from the marriage and if she is unwilling to relent then he has every right not to go through with the marriage.
>>17251934
>Both of you care more about your last names than each other
No, I've even given her the option of cohabiting if she won't budge on the name issue, but now she says Marry with no name change, or split up.
I don't want to split up, but as I say I'm getting ever more put off by marriage in general, so this is just pushing me over that balance to the point where I'd rather cohabit, however she doesn't want to cohabit.
>>17251931
>If she decides this because of her feelings rather than on some logic
so what is the logic here? believe it or not, changing family names can be a very emotional thing for some people.
>her feelings will eventually dictate that any action that you might take during the marriage may be 'controlling'
That's exactly what OP is doing right now. He's letting his own retarded pride get in the way of thinking logically. OP is the one that's being controlling, not his girlfriend. he's even threatening her to break off the marriage because of this
>>17251927
You haven't answered this post, anon.
Ask her if hyphenating it is alright
you sound like an assclown to me.
shes a bit too 'rah rah feminism' but honestly you dont want to change your name so why should she wnats to change hers?
I took my husband's name. It definitely felt weird at first, almost like I was surrendering my identity. It was important to both of us to have a common last name as a symbol of unity. I can understand her side of it
I think you both need to discuss each of your expectations about the marriage; not just last names, but in all issues. (whose job takes priority if one of you gets transferred or receives an offer that requires you to move? how will your children be raised? joint bank account? who will take care of your parents when they get older?)
Do it before the wedding; don't wait until after.
>>17251952
I'm not being controlling at all, I've said if she doesn't want to change her name, that's fine, we can just remain cohabiting as we have been doing.
>>17251940
What are you sacrificing to get married?
It sounds like she's scared of losing her identity, so this is more or less a normal relationship. Was she planning on being a housewife or does she have her own career?
>>17251963
why would she want to live with someone who would find something she feels strongly about a dealbreaker?
>>17251927
No, because I don't see why I should, there is no traditional precedent for this, but more importantly than tradition, if she is not willing to make that gesture for me, why should I make the gesture of marriage for her?
>>17251955
A friend already suggested this to her and she refused
>>17251907
I'm not even traditional but my wife not taking my last name in SOME FORM (hyphenated, taking two last names) is a pretty big deal.
OP try asking her if she'll take two last names (ex: going from heather amanda robertson to heather amanda robertson Oxnard) or if she's willing to hyphen it (robertson-oxnard). If she refuses both of those she's simply selfish and unwilling to compromise
>>17251931
let's do things just because some dead people did it! this is, of course, a completely logical argument. any attempts to deviate are illogical. let's keep killing ugly babies because some greeks did it!
I'm with you OP. Marriage is a set of established trappings and traditions. It's just another name for a relationship at the end of the day, but a name that has certain things associated with it, taking the husband's name included. I wouldn't get married to a girl who wouldn't take my name either.
>>17251975
grats, the same argument could be made against marriage as a whole institution, ya fuckin dingus.
>>17251967
I'm not forcing her to change her name at all, I'm quite happy for her to remain with her current name if we continue cohabiting
>>17251966
It seems as if she does not take the idea seriously, ultimately I'm thinking why even get married?
It seemed like natural life progression at first, with added social status and sense of life fulfilment, but I'm seriously in two minds about the whole thing.
This is really something you guys should've talked about a longggg time ago. Me and my girlfriend have already decided she's going to have both her surname and mine and we're not getting married any time soon. With that being said she seems like a bit of a bitch if she doesn't want to join your names together at the least.
>>17251976
Traditional marriage also involves the man bringing the money in. If she was planning on not having a formal job the rest of her life, I can understand chasing her last name.
>>17251969
>why should I make the gesture of marriage for her?
Last names aside... the mindset it takes to ask a question like this proves you are not ready for marriage.
>>17251963
You were being controlling by purposely giving her half-assed options that you knew would leave her unhappy no matter which one she chose. You thought if you could threaten breaking off the marriage with her, that she'd definitely change her last name for you. But she didn't do that, much to your dismay.
A lot of people hyphenate their last names, it's no big deal. But if you have an issue with that, it shows that you really are just an idiot that should be left
>>17251975
Let's just get married because some dead people did it!
Just bail OP, I'm sure you wouldn't come to /adv/ to ask about your marriage if she was the right one.
She doesn't HAVE to change her name. But you also don't HAVE to marry her.
If she isn't serious enough to take your name - as retarded as your name sounds - then she isn't serious enough for marriage. She sounds inmature and I'd be a bit weary around her.
>>17251980
marriage has a lot of tangible benefits, tax-wise, real-estate wise, being next-of-kin in case an accident happens or someone dies, etc, etc.
also acknowledging my argument is valid for yet another case isn't really helping you.
>>17251986
She clearly doesn't want to marry him, so why should he marry her? She won't even budge at all on the issue (hyphenating was turned down according to OP), at this point she's just being selfish. Relationships and marriage especially are about compromise and she doesn't seem to want to even try to compromise.
>>17251986
You don't really sound like some rational person to be honest, I can pretty much imagine pic related is behind the other end of the computer screen.
Ultimately it's a pretty big deal for me, She essentially wants a half-assed marriage. I want either the full Monty or nothing. Literally billions of other women have made that sacrifice for their husband, why can't she?
>>17251986
>you're being controlling by not wanting to do something after the terms of it in your mind are changed
It's not like he's going "you won't take my last name? Then FINE I'll hate you for the rest of my life!!!" His response is directly correlated to the events that unfolded. If she doesn't want to take his name he has every right to not want to marry her
>>17252005
>Her surname is Robertson, so not something rare that desperately needs preserving, and mine is Oxnard, not something completely hideous and unbearable. For me this is a dealbreaker.
this is the thing that tells me that OP is a faggot. At least his fiancee doesnt want to change her name because she feels uncomfortable with feeling "owned." OP just wants for her to change her last name for the sake of preserving the Masterrace Oxnard Namesake. which one sounds more retarded to you? The fact is, its her last name. She's not forcing OP to change his last name for her, so how is she being more selfish than OP?
>>17252032
>teehee let me misinterpret the OP
You're just fucking trolling now. Everyone ignore this person
>>17252012
>You don't really sound like some rational person to be honest
>Literally billions of other women have made that sacrifice for their husband, why can't she?
if you're this immature to just go on an anime imageboard to tell a story to a bunch of strangers over the internet what a feminist cunt your wife is being, then you shouldnt have to be that shocked or upset over the fact that your wife is going to possibly leave you after this
>>17251952
The logic is people always did it so the only thing they can do is keep doing it. Anything else is wrong.
>>17251878
>Her surname is Robertson, so not something rare that desperately needs preserving, and mine is Oxnard
>and mine is Oxnard
>Oxnard
Oxnard is where Elliot Rodger first went to a shooting range and fired his first gun
tfw last name is loki and every girl compliments me and won't have a problem changing their last name to that.
Thank you tom hiddleston for making it popular
>>17252049
>This is something we've done for a long time so it has to mean that its the only right way to do it
>Anything else is wrong.
2/10 made me reply
>>17252032
>>17252032
"Look at me I'm pretending to be retarded"
Nice try you almost got me there.
>>17252068
that post was really obvious sarcasm anon
>>17252005
How does she clearly not want to marry him? Just because she won't take his last name?
>>17251993
Marriage isn't the only way to get those benefits. Trusts, wills, etc, all can take into account beneficiaries without necessitating marriage. You're trying to make a case for breaking with tradition - I agree, why are we still bothering to get married at all? Why not just have cohabitation contracts? Because people like traditions, and all their associated bullshit. Happy to educate you.
>>17251878
No name change, no diamond.
Don't give up to these stupid cunts.
>OP is ok to cohabit but for him to get married he needs to change her name
OP is a giant faggot.
Besides that they are stubborn kids nlt willing to compromise.
Just keep your current names then. Why change if you don't have to?
>>17252121
This is what everyone does in the civilized world. Ask any Asian or European if they would let the husband change his name, and they'd cackle at you, you dumb cuck.
>>17252124
This. I've never gotten the obsession with this particular tradition. I've been married to my wife for 8 years, both keeping out own names and our daughter has mine. It has never been any kind of problem in any context.
>>17252110
>Marriage isn't the only way to get those benefits.
but it's the most convenient.
>You're trying to make a case for breaking with tradition
i'm making the case that the worthless traditions are worthless and caring about them is silly.
thanks for trying.
>>17252128
I seriously hope you are not OP.
People do this in Europe and even if they didn't, so what? Do need to conform to others so much you give up on things that you really care about?
Stop being aggressive and try to improve yourself.
>>17251878
Lol you fucked up. Offering to call off the marriage shows how little your relationship matters to you. Of course she doesn't want to live with you anymore after putting forth some bullshit ultimatum like that. It's probably too late to salvage this to be desu.
>>17252128
do you do everything just because other people do it? what a sad little life
>>17252143
>cuck
>>17251878
Don't do it OP, marriage isn't worth it.
>>17251878
In what scenarios are changing your surname to your wifes' deemed okay in society? I'm speaking for middle america btw.
My scenario
>dad is an ex druggie
>wasnt there for my childhood
>registered sex offender
>complete asshole in general
>was adopted, so I'm not bilogically related to the family
>surname is dumb and gets made fun of even today
Would I be deemed a pussy for changing? Because I honestly have no qualms changing it to my future wife's.
