My girlfriend, who I live with, likes to stay out late with her friends. She has a history of cheating. Sometimes it bothers me when she stays out late, because I don’t always believe she’s telling the truth about where or who she’s with. But, I realize that I have to let her be with her friends and do as she pleases. Frequently, she’ll tell me she’s going one place and will be home at a certain time. Yet, inevitably, she changes the place and time of her return. This irritates me, because it adds to her general unpredictable nature that makes me feel insecure.
When I voice these concerns, she gets pissed and accuses me of being too controlling. So I’m not allowed, at risk of a fight, to respond negatively about her being out late and constantly changing places and times. She knows I don’t like it when she behaves this way, but does it anyway, knowing that she can basically imply I’m the patriarchy trying to control her.
I don’t want to feel controlling. I don’t want her to feel controlled. But I hate when she’s all elusive and suspicious about where she is and when she’s going to be certain places.
What do?
Protip: Once a cheater always a cheater.
>>17249028
>My girlfriend, who I live with, likes to stay out late with her friends. She has a history of cheating.
Run.
This is simply unsalvageable. You can't trust her, and she can't be trusted. Leave her before this situation poisons your idea of what a relationship should be, anymore than it already has.
the situation generally is just frustrating. because I do believe she loves me, but I think she's just too immature (22 years old) to understand how to maintain a "serious" relationship. I do love her, but sometimes it does seem unsalvageable.
For example, she's been away all weekend with her college friends. females. she tells me she's coming back at 6pm. 30 mins later she texts saying she'll actually be home at midnight? why? her friend is going to drive her home, but she has to wait until her friend finishes teaching a yoga class(???)
Why can't she just stick to the original plan at 6pm? Doesn't she realize it seems suspicious and weird to inform me that she's coming home and then shortly informs me she'll be back late? And the kick is: I can't even say shit about it, because then I'm the emotionally controlling boyfriend who doesn't give her any space, trust or respect. it's like a lose-lose situation. either way I feel crazy, whether she's really with her friends or if she's taking someone elses dick tonight.
>>17249069
>it's like a lose-lose situation
Exactly.
The cheating aspect isn't even a huge factor here (I mean, as far as I'm concerned it's a deal breaker on it's own, but setting it aside for a moment). The simple fact is, she has no respect for the fact that she's a factor in your life, she doesn't appreciate that her schedule impacts you and that you deserve to have some idea of where she is. It all paints a picture of someone who's simply not invested.
There's nothing controlling about wanting to have some clue of when you can expect your girlfriend to be home. It's shitty and manipulative of her to make it out like this is your problem.
>>17249082
thank you. I just called her about the whole 6pm thing and of course she makes me feel crazy for even asking. I don't know, I feel crazy for not asking. generally it's just horrible. now when she comes home I'm going to get shit for asking her to not always switch shit up on me. and I can just imagine her sitting there with her friends talking about how horrible I am and then conveniently leaving out the cheating and suspicious shit.
You're wasting time and energy on her.
If she at least was ready to sit down with you and have a “fight“ aka and argument like adults you'd at least know that you're in a shitty situation but she at least is ready to converse.
But what she is doing is shutting herself down basically saying “This is the state of things and it will not change as I don't want it to change.“
She might be able to do so in the future and if you're ok with her cheating or not which she probably is doing anyways, isn't even my point though that alone would be a reason to fucking bail.
My point is that you're ready for a relationship and to find compromise and find solutions for problems while she is not, you're wasting your time and energy better spent on a different woman who would be ready to work with you towards a better future.
The way she is acting it seems like she has set herself up comfortably and she might love you I can't know that but if her love includes not caring for you to the fullest of her abillities you have to decide for yourself if you're ok with that or not.
I'd have bailed after multiple signs of her not being able to keep her word of when and how she gets home, either she doesn't trust you enough with the truth which is like whatever bitch if you don't trust me what's the point of this or she is unreliable which for me personally is a huge redflag because I hate people who can't keep their words. It doesn't have to make me happy but if something leaves your mouth it has to be the complete truth.
>>17249110
Wow she sounds manipulating as fuck, you're in an abusive relationship congrats and you better leave before she is deeper in your psyche than she already is.
This is no joke
Manipulate her back with a load of fake sad stories, and delete yourself from her mind by deleting the pictures and messages she has of you. Once you when the time tell her the stories were fake and you got balls deep with many escorts you paid with fake money and you have an std. This will make her re-think being with anyone
Dude, don't be that guy. She's living single life while manipulating you, she doesn't want to be alone so she holds you back while she has fun with her friends.
You should leave that relationship. She probably cheats 80% of the time she goes out with friends. You want to kiss dick when she comes back home?
Man up. If you don't have the balls to leave her (I know it can be hard), just change the way you see and treat her.
Start going out with friends and looking for chicks. Treat her like a fuck buddy. She will not see that coming and it may result in a power shift in your relationship.
But I agree with anon, once a cheater always a cheater.
>She probably cheats 80% of the time she goes out with friends
As OP I just can't accept this as true. if it is true she is the most evil, most lying and dishonest bitch ever.
>>17249215
True or not, she doesn't respect you at all. Drop that bitch because she's only using you.
Fuck you then OP you're a lost cause, have fun destroying your own life staying with her is a choice you make every single day you've been warned
She's cheating on you bro. In all of the relationships I have had as an adult, not one wanted to go out late at night with friends without me. Clubbing with friends and going out at night while in a relationship is just a shitty thing to do to your partner and I'm glad I don't have to deal with that nonsense.
Anyway, she's already cheated so what is the point man.
>>17249233
she's not clubbing unless she's lying about that. to my knowledge she has never gone clubbing with or without me. we're not that type.
in the past, the only evidence I have of cheating is some sexts she sent to her ex-boyfriend. she told me it was just sexting and nothing happened IRL, but yeah obviously that is suspect.
I have been living with her for 2 years so if she really is cheating and really has no respect for me then that's a really tough blow.
>moving in with some slut who you already know is a cheater
A gullible dumbass and a manipulative, cheating bitch. You two should stay together and out of the dating pool.
>>17249241
Clubbing is just an example man, because so many men have to deal with that nonsense too. You missed the point.
The fact that she was sexting indicates that she was either going to cheat or has cheated on you already. If not with that guy, another. The action itself shows a complete lack of respect and hints towards her not feeling as attached to you as you are to her, if she as completely in love with you and was afraid to lose you, the last thing you would do is start fucking sexting someone.
This is a toxic relationship that is only making you miserable, whatever you had before is not the same as it is now. The fact that she is getting angry at you and your concerns are a massive red flag, it is her way of deflecting and essentially gas lighting you. Someone who loves and cares about someone would take the effort to make their loved one comfortable and at ease, she does the complete opposite.
So let's sum this up, she doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you, she's manipulates you and is a complete bitch, why are you bothering with her man? just fucking rip off the bandaid. You know deep down she is fucking you over hard, come to terms with it before you lose your sanity.
>>17249028
>She has a history of cheatin
So why are you still with her?
>>17249262
No, I understand your point.
You make very good points in general.
I don't know what I'm going to do. but thanks for the input. seriously.
what you're describing is the worst, worst case scenario. at this point, I'm not convinced it's that bad yet. she swears up and down that she never cheats. soo do I believe my girlfriend or some strangers on the internet? but either way, thanks for the /adv/.
>>17249275
because it was over the phone via text and I could never determine whether something actually happened IRL. maybe it did. it probably did. but there is no direct evidence it ever happened other than a sexting convo that maybe implied they recently hooked up. but there was no explicit mention, although I will say that she was planning to hook up with him later that week. Of course when confronted, she just said she was drunk and horny and went with the conversation for the hell of it. Shitty excuse, I know, but yeah.
I forgave her because she is a big part of my life. we work at the same place, we are very close and have a strong bond. I think that incident was more immaturity than anything else, but obviously I can't shake the thought that there's more to the situation. that incident has caused a lot of issues in our relationship and today is just a small example of the kinds of conflicts we have when she goes out and starts getting evasive .
>>17249284
>do I believe my girlfriend or some strangers on the internet?
Your girlfriend has a lot to gain from keeping you for the emotional and financial "support" while taking dicks on the side but strangers have nothing to gain at all from giving you false advice on a board about giving people helpful advice.
>>17249297
Sounds like way more trouble than its worth
>>17249284
Outside of the major chance of cheating, do you want to be with someone who gas lights you and makes you feel like a chump for being concerned about something? her reaction is not normal for someone who supposedly your loving girlfriend dude.
Also of course she is going to swear up and down, that's what cheaters do. Just GPS track her phone and get it over with. You are in the stage of denial, it IS that bad. She sexted someone dude, what more do you need? where do you draw the line? kissing? blowjobs? is it okay as long as a dude hasn't nutted in your girls vagina? her sexting shows intent, INTENT. Do not be with a girl who intends to cheat.
>>17249028
Does she at least let you put it up her butt?
>>17249284
Why even ask for advice to begin with if you're just going to deny that she's a problem because you trust her? You're stupid for trusting her and every post in this thread has rightfully told you that she's a horrible person to be in a relationship with.
>>17249316
Holy fuck I didn't even see
>although I will say that she was planning to hook up with him later that week
here >>17249297
Fuck me dude, I'm done here. You are in denial and there is no way of getting through to you, the relationship should have ended there but it didn't and now she has your around her finger.
>>17249325
she is a problem, sometimes. but what you guys are telling me is very difficult to accept. all the information you have is strictly on the most negative and unstable aspects of our dynamic. however there is a lot going on that's very positive and very powerful, so it's not easy to just throw it all away.
Did she cheat on YOU, or other boyfriends?
>>17249331
thanks for trying. you are cool anon.
Leave her.
Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. There are zero exceptions
>>17249045
I feel since OP choose a women that was once a cheater he has a low self-image and probably won't leave her.
>>17249028
I would give her an ultimatum. Tell her to keep the time and locations of where she is hanging out straight and truthful or you are leaving her. I feel she has to gain your trust.
If she doesn't want to do that; forget about her. You are better off.
>>17249336
IDK. She has never admitted to cheating even under heavy pressure. the only thing I know is that she has sexted with an ex-bf while living at my place about a year ago. he was trying to get her to come over and hook-up, and she told him "yeah, we can do it" but they hadn't discussed specific time or place by the time I randomly checked her phone and saw the texts.
I remember him saying something to the effect of "you were amazing last time" but I have no clue as to whether that last time was during our relationship or when they previously dated. obviously she denies everything and says she never planned to follow through with it.
I honestly don't know what is real and what isn't. I don't trust my own intuition or my own instincts. I don't trust her. I don't like the way I feel when she switches everything up on me. maybe it is time to end things.
>>17249351
Fuck man do not use an ultimatum, it reeks of beta, it gives her power in the situation and shows indecisiveness.
How old is this person, OP? At some point people like her need to be taught from hard experience that this shit is gunna fireball on them and force them to mature. If she's in a relationship she needs to not be pulling this shit
>history of cheating
Fly you fool!
>>17249381
>it gives her power in the situation
No, it gives OP all the power.
It says "You do this or I leave."
Plain and simple. Op just has to leave if she doesn't do it.
>>17249381
she's 22. How can I teach her? seriously, I need to know.
>>17249462
You leave her. I'm sorry.
It's the best thing for you, and in the long term, the best thing for her. Don't fall victim to the sunk costs fallacy. This isn't worth the heartache.
I'm married, and I can tell you, you're not out of line; objecting to this kind of behavior doesn't make you controlling. But she's not going to accept that until somebody tells her "No hard feelings, but I can't deal with this anymore. Take care."
>>17249490
t's so true but I can't accept it. fuck man.
>>17249506
There IS a chance that if you tell her you're leaving -- no ultimatums, no accusations or apologies, just "We're never going to see eye to eye on this. I don't think we should be together any more. I wish you the best in the future." -- there's a chance that she'll have a flash of perspective, apologize for her behavior and promise to change. Honestly I don't think you two should stay together even then, she just has some growing up to do and I think she needs to do it alone, but you're not going to take that advice anyway, so I'm telling you -- there is a chance.
When I go out, I don't tell my partner when I will back because I don't know in most cases. Also if I do tell them that I expect to be back at a certain time, I don't feel bad for changing my plans if we didn't plan to meet up at the time I come back.
I would feel controlled if my partner expected me to tell him things like this for no reason.
To me, it sounds like your problem is not the behavior of your girlfriend, but that there seems to be little trust between you two and that she's annoyed by your questions.
If I couldn't sort this out with my partner, I don't think I could be in a relationship with them. This doesn't mean that I would leave right away but I would be very serious about discussing these things at length.
To I point I understand. I don't know what you're saying to her or how you're handling it, but I can see how she would feel like you're being controlling. It can be annoying to have a man constantly asking every detail of where you were/who are you with/ for how long/why all the time. HOWEVER, she cheated on you before, and that is a breach of trust. she broke your trust and it is up to HER to win it back. You have a right to be worried and she should understand that.
Crazy person way to do it: track her cell phone, find out if she's lying to you. If she is, break up with her. you don't owe her an explanation. Or "one of my friends saw you at X place with X"
Normally I'd say let her stay out with her friends. BUT since she has a history of cheating that's a no go in my book. That's a recipe for disaster. Hell dating a girl that has a history of cheating is a recipe for disaster. Come on man don't put yourself through that shit. Some of these girls on here are going to call me a controlling asshole and some of the white knights are going to defend them but fuck them. Don't be a bitch man.
Just had a convo with my GF. At this point I am pretty drunk and generally fucked up. I confronted her about the cheating and she just stuck to her story that it never happened.
I told her that when she gets back we need to have a serious convo. so seemed scared that I >implied we might break up. I still don't know what to do but I'm glad we can have a serious talk about whether she wants to be in a relationship like this with me.
If she really thinks it's unfair that I ask her to be forthcoming with some info, then maybe we should break up.
>>17249625
Good that you have told her that you want to talk.
However, I would focus more on the fact that you don't really trust her at the moment and that you don't feel taken seriously when you ask her questions.
An open conversation about the needs of both of you is much better than demanding this or that from her right from the start. If things don't work out in the talk you can still break up.
>>17249082
>>17249082
THIS
If you're determined to salvage it, read Feeling Good Together by David Burns together. It has a very good method of communicating effectively and putting a stop to arguments.
>>17249353
how.did.you.not.dump.her.after.this.
seriously man, I'm not one of those retards who immediately yell >DUMP THE WHORE! as soon as some OP posts about himself feeling insecure about his gf, but if you had obvious proof that she consented to some other loser to bang her? ffs man, have some self respect and
DUMP THE WHORE!
She's acting like you're her nagging father trying to pen her in and tell her what to do. She's being ridiculous.
lol. I didn't even concern myself with trying to seriously tie down a woman until I was 22 because I didn't want all this fuck ass behaviour in my life. You can see the common pit falls, for those interested, it is nothing more than delicious emotions and drama they can stick in the scrapbook of life.
Not going to hate on them for it, but basically why should either side compromise on their opportunities in youth in order to play families when playing families in the last thing on their mind? Just don't saddle yourself with that shit.
You might think you want to play family, but you don't, at least not with this one because your gut knows what is up bro. If she was the right one to try it with and you truly feel that way you'd know it. Bear in mind though you are trying to apply the attitudes of your parents and your own upbringing to a world which won't support or work like that any more. I think even I saw that world die before my time.
I got married a little after I graduated university because I thought that I'd figured it out and I'd found the right person and even that ended after 4 years. Turns out lots of people think they want to play families after a while, but actually they prefer an extended adolescent phase way into their 30's except with a 'you are holding me back' complex.
Anyway, divorced at 27. Took 2 years off from proper relationships and got with a 24 year old around when I turned 29. We've been together 4 years now and we've bought a house and stuff last year. I never picked one like you describe. I picked an antisocial homebody who won't even drive who likes to garden and work around the house.
