I've done well for myself -- I'm attending a good American university, majoring in engineering, have a 4.0 GPA, and I'm thinking of going to medical school. I'm popular, and relatively athletic.
So why do I feel so fucking dirty inside?
I had a violent and bloody childhood. I fought tooth and nail to get out of the shithole where I lived, and away from the people who hurt me. I thought things would be better now that I'm out of there, and they are, but something's wrong.
I have flashbacks. The roar of guns. The recoil. The screaming. Blood.
I'm scared to be around people that love me. I listen to my dog's heartbeat when I wake up at night, just to make sure his heart is still beating. This new life of mine is so frail, so delicate. What protects it?
And the blood on my hands. I don't think God would blame me for what I've done; everything was either forced or necessary. Even so, I still wish he would strike me down so that I don't have to live with myself. What could the creator smile upon inside my wretched mind? My soul is lonely structures hidden in a fog of remorse, if it is even there.
Most of the time I am happy. I cuddle, I do my homework, I teach kids from the ghetto math. But when I'm alone I can't stop screaming in my head. I think of killing myself every day, sitting there curled up in the dark. For whose sins am I being punished?
How do I forgive myself, /adv/? How do I live with this rotting inside of me?
Sorry for the writing style and for the silly post. It's probably pretty cringe-inducing, and my English could be better. I don't know if I'm even going to post this. I've never posted anything here before. Help me.
>>17239846
Have you considered therapy?
I ask because these are thoughts associated with common mental health issues, often resulting from traumatic incidents. But also because I know people from backgrounds with more urgent problems than their emotional well being internalize a lot of shame and dismissal of their mental states. My girlfriend is first generation Croatian-American and her parents were still in "escape war and genocide" mode when they raised her and even she, who has known peace and economic stability all her life, doesn't know how to work out her problems or address her feelings because they seem unworthy compared to being killed. Her parents, who were put in a concentration camp once, are the same way although even more so.
But this is no way to live. Just as running away from a killer will make you forget the pain of starvation for a short while, dealing with extreme stress will fuck up your compass for what is a normal and happy state of mind. It can be so much better; you don't deserve to feel this way (although thinking that you do is an extremely common symptom). Having someone you trust to remind you to doubt your self-destructive mindsets (as I can tell you're already doubting them on some level) will do a lot of good. It doesn't have to be this way.
>>17240200
Thank you. I will look into therapy.
I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you. If you don't mind my asking, were you a child soldier?
Therapy is a good suggestion. You may also want to look into the works of rapper Emmanuel Jal. He escaped being a child soldier too, and speaks of it often; you may find some comfort there.
>Sorry for the writing style and for the silly post. It's probably pretty cringe-inducing, and my English could be better.
Your English is quite good. I wouldn't have known you weren't a native speaker if you hadn't said so. I mean, I might have guessed it from your situation, but not from the way you write.
>>17239846
If you have trouble forgiving yourself, have somebody else forgive you. If you're religious try seeking out an institution of your faith to help guide you. Either way therapy would probably also be helpful.
>>17239846
>>17240200
Therapy +1
Seems like you need some closure to your previous self mate. You can do it
>>17239846
You absolutely need therapy. From the sounds of it, this is above our pay grade. All the best to you, anon.
