I have a very close friend, who's married to an awesome dorky dude. He's definitely not perfect, like does nothing for anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Doesn't chitchat constantly. All this sucks, but she's using it to give herself justification for having an affair.
This has been bulding for awhile, and I've watched her do textbook shit: losing weight, new tattooes and piercings, dying her hair. She confided that she had a crush on a married coworker ages ago, then told me he was into her and wanted to have an affair but "she would never do that." Then when I told her to just cut the dude off entirely she said she "couldn't because he's one of her best friends, and I just don't understand." Then the other day, she told me she'd been having an affair.
When she told me about it, she was complaining about how it shouldn't effect her friendships (a mutual friend dumped her over it)
it's my life and my choices
it's no one's business
I'm still a good person
friends shouldn't judge no matter what
Then she invited me to the beach with her husband, coworker, and his wife. "It's the only way to see each other because his wife is suspicious." I told her that's a step beyond fucked up, and I wanted no part of it. I get someone going through a married-too-young crisis, but I'm not going to enable her and tell her what she wants to hear. I just don't think I want a person capable of shit like this around, even though she's a close friend. I can't talk to anyone about it, so I needed some perspective- is this a reasonable reaction?
>>17239267
I would drop her as a friend, maybe even give the husband a heads up. What a dirtbag. Wouldn't want someone with loose morals as a friend.
>>17239267
Definitely tell the husband. You would want to be told if you were in his shoes, right?
>>17239275
As much as I want to, I can't give her husband a heads up.
I think me telling her like it is, and removing myself is enough. I felt like the 'friend' stuff was total bull, and I don't want to give passive agreement with her actions by doing nothing.
>>17239299
It was total bull. What an idiot. I feel so bad for the husband.
>>17239298
The saddest part is? He wouldn't even leave her over it.
Trust me, I'm really grappling with telling him. I have serious issues with cheating, and I think it's one of the worst things you can do to a person. But I don't know if I can bring myself to tell him something I heard in confidence, though it kills me.
As shitty as it is, I'm so thankful he and I aren't closer, because then I definitely would without hesitation.
I guess you guys have brought up another point.
Remove myself from her but-
Tell the husband? I can't imagine doing it, but then again I'm not sure how skewed my perceptions are of the situation
>>17239309
I understand how you're feeling. I'd be uncertain in your situation too. Though you're saying that you can't tell him because of your friendship with her, but you're ending your friendship with her so it shouldn't be a problem? Though I guess it is more complex than that.
Could you anonymously let the coworker's wife know? It seems the right thing to do especially since she already has suspicions and she might be the type to leave him which she deserves to have the knowledge to do.. Plus it's disgusting that guy is so disrespectful hes tricking his wife into a trip with his mistress
>>17239366
That's a good point. Maybe she'd tell OP's friend's husband, too. And OP has no obligation to the guy her friend is having an affair with.
>>17239309
You definitely, definitely should not tell. It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If you can't be friends with a cheater, fine, don't be, your friendship is definitely your business, but their relationship is theirs. Particularly if he wouldn't leave her over it, why would you ever feel justified introducing drama into their lives? You are not in the relationship and are getting an outsider's view - you don't know what he would or would not like to know. As you are exiting the friendship, you can tell her that you can't be friends with her because you think she is doing a terrible thing, and that she should either end the affair and confess what she has done to her husband and try to save the marriage or leave him (all things I agree with, I'm not condoning cheating here). But you should bud the fuck out of their marriage.
>>17239383
You're a whore too I'm guessing
>>17239366
I REALLY wish I could do that somehow. He's a total sleazebag, I never liked the guy. I will admit, my friend HAS always had really weird loose views on monogamy, but what she's doing is still wretched (why the fuck do people like this get married?! WHYYYY).
I just feel like I shouldn't get involved, but at the same time, I would want to know if I were them. I wish someone else would do it honestly; the guilt is eating at me either way, but I hate the thought of betraying someone's confidence as well.. even though they kind of deserve it.
>>17239383
People have an obligation to let others know when they're being betrayed. Honor code. If someone is fine with being cheated on then good for them, they'll deal with it on their own. No need to allow some cunt to cuck her bf because of some delusional idea to the right of privacy. Humans are social creatures, reputations matter, and spreading them is important.
>>17239395
>I just feel like I shouldn't get involved, but at the same time, I would want to know if I were them. I wish someone else would do it honestly; the guilt is eating at me either way, but I hate the thought of betraying someone's confidence as well.. even though they kind of deserve it.
If you don't tell them you're betraying an innocent potential non-sleazeball's right to the truth. They definitely deserve it. You would want to know if you were being cucked.
>>17239393
Yup, you caught me! Respecting people's privacy and their right to not know things they can't un-know is pretty scandalous behavior. Believing that the husband isn't completely oblivious to her major life changes and already suspects but is choosing to ignore is sordid as fuck.
>>17239410
People's right to know they're being cheated on trumps the cheater's right to privacy. If it's something they can deal with happening, they should be able to deal with knowing it. Maybe they even think they'd be ok with it but they aren't when they discover. Or the opposite. Either way they deserve to be able to make this decision for themselves. They should be made aware of the type of person they're in a relationship with.
>>17239267
Another thing to think about is STDs. These idiots could be putting their spouses in danger.
>>17239421
Not the cheater's privacy, the cheatee. You don't know their situation and you can't be 100% sure that he wants to know. This is a dilemma that is debated regularly in the context of multiomics, particularly genomics - for example, if you discover out that someone has a genetic variation that increases their risk of a degenerative illness, should you seek them out and tell them? Is it more harmful to tell them this information that they have not asked to know that could be life-destroying, or respect their right to privacy and not tell? If the husband asks, then yeah, tell. But he DIDN'T ask. You can't know if he wants to know.
>>17239432
Right, which is why I haven't. If we were closer, it'd be a no-brainer; but I also gave my word, which I don't take lightly.
>>17239425
I didn't even think of that actually. Wouldn't surprise me if he had something.
Also, the other thing is, it really makes me lose faith in people. The more I think about it, the more fucked up it is and the more it bothers me.
>>17239432
Most people would want to know. It's like "should you tell someone their spouse is a rapist serial killer?". Maybe they want to live in the dark but it's better to ruin a cheatee's bad relationship than allow a good person to be cheated on behind their back, while the community pretends to be oblivious. Puts them at risk for STDs and emotional trauma. You're not the one at fault for telling them, the cheater is at fault for cheating. The cheatee wouldn't be hurt if the cheater hadn't betrayed their trust. It's always a risk that the partner find out, and the cheater took that risk.
