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Me and my partner (James) have been together for a little under six years and we were eachother's firsts for pretty much everything.
Throughout our relationship the sex has been pretty great. James obviously has a lower libido than me but I can live with that. Recently he revealed to me that he views sex as "bad and immoral. Something that should be shameful." I was immediately confused because we've been dating for so long and we've been having sex the whole time, he's never mentioned this before. He wasn't raised religiously, either.
He says he likes sex in the moment, but mostly afterwards he feels extremely negatively about the act, that it's gross and embarrassing. Not just penetration either: handjobs, blowjobs, kissing... Apparently he'll get flashbacks throughout the week and become frozen with shame or disgust. He didn't tell me sooner in the relationship because he was afraid I would leave him.
I kind of freaked out. Here I was thinking we were doing something intimate, fun, and mutual but it's something that's been making him for feel horrible for years!
I feel distressed and guilty about this. I no longer feel comfortable having sex with him because I fear it would cause him these "flashbacks". Even when he initiates (which I would say is 50% of the time), he still claims later to "feel really bad about what we did last night".
I feel like this is a huge problem for me, but he doesn't see it as one, that nothing's changed. He's willing to continue having sex (and I believe he does like it sometimes) but I can't stop thinking about whether he's enjoying it, or if this act will make him feel shame later. I don't want to feel guilty about having sex!
I've recommended that he sees a therapist about this but every time he gets insulted saying "I don't have a problem. You're over analyzing this. You're saying I'm broken?", etc.
I just don't know what to do. Am I obsessing over nothing?