I'm 24, my mum is 55 and she calls me every day. We live separately since I was 18 and she has been doing this all the time besides months I have spent abroad.
This week the weather was really hot, I was sick, so I would take naps after work, so I missed her calls on 2 days. One day she had called me numerous times, wrote me on facebook and emailed me asking what has happened to me, all that under 2 hour period. Yesterday she called asking if she can come over, to which I said no because I was feeling sick and my home was a mess. She said ok, she won't come. She came anyway, and I told that since I could not leave her outside and since I had told her not to come, she is being intrusive. I also asked her to stop calling me every day since that is making me anxious(seeing all the missed calls, messages,etc) and call me when she needs something. Then she started to speak in a 'victim voice', a 180 turn from her voice at first, one of someone feeling ill and barely able to speak (not holding up tears), and told me "so your mother is ill" which in my language has connotation to mentally-ill. I said that is not what I meant but that she is being disrespectful, when she says it is out of love. Anyhow, I feel like total piece of shit. Especially since then she asked me if she can call on Sunday, I asked her to call me when she has a reason, and she said- there will be a reason on Sunday. And that was so freaky, I can't stop thinking about this.
I don't know what the fuck I should do. I have asked her to lay off the calling many times, it always picks up again over time. Logically, I do not think I am a piece of shit for asking this, but I definitely feel like one.
>>17219456
Also, I do not have any issues or problems that would be a reason to check up on me daily.
That does seem a bit extreme, but you also have to consider the fact that she loves you and misses having you around. Get her to call you less, but take some time like a weekend to go stay at her place.
I'm 28 and about once a month I go visit my parents at their house and we have a great time for a couple days, they only live 1.5 hours away though.
>>17219467
We do meet 2-4 times a month, unless I am away, either at my, my brother's or her place.
Also, she is employed, she lives with her husband, I am not the only person she could speak to.
>>17219488
Ah, then I can really appreciate your predicament. She's definitely way too clingy, don't feel too guilty about wanting to pull away from that behaviour since you're really doing everything right already and being frustrated at this point is understandable. I don't know, maybe respond every second day or so for a while, get her used to the idea of not having your immediate attention?
>>17219504
Dunno man, her system is to call until I call back. So far the top score is 33 unanswered calls over dunno how many hours (again, I was sleeping after studying all night), texts asking if she needs to call police, or if she needs to send someone to my house etc.
>>17219504
Dont respond to her. Cut contact. Dont be at home if she's coming. Your mother has an unhealthy attachment to you and you need to live your own life and assert your independence. Don't feel like an asshole. Shes a grown woman and doesnt need your emotional support to exist.
The thing is, I have said to her this shit is fucked up and not helping me, and she always makes me feel like shit for turning that up or for not caring enough to simply pick up the phone and call back.
>>17219527
Jesus, that's quite intense
>>17219527
Most importantly you need to talk to her and tell her about the boundaries shes crossing. Set healthy limits to how much she can call you and do not allow her to guilt trip you. Guilt is how she can control and manipulate you and you need to remember that you do not deserve to live feeling constant anxiety from this.
>>17219456
This will work:
Only answer the phone, door, messages when it's convenient for you. When you do talk to her, ignore the fact that she spammed you even if she tries to bring it up, deflect and ignore.
Train her; sounds like she needs some disciplined conditioning. Could be from menopause, so it might stop on it's own.
>>17219538
Thing is, she is not someone who likes complicated conversations, she likes to pretend everything is perfect.
TMI: couple years ago, I explained her I do not want to participated in extended family gathering, because I was molested by one of our relatives. She didn't react much to it, I brought it up again 2 weeks later and she said my brother had denied it had happened (my brother didn't do it, he was just also there when it happened and very young, so couldn't help me). I guess brother had shut it out of his mind and when I bluntly asked to his face if it didn't happen, he admitted it did, he was there. First fucked up thing is that after hearing from brother it is not true she didn't come and ask me wtf. The second one is that she keeps asking me to go to family meeting where that person most likely will be. Thirdly, she advised not to tell this to anyone ever, which, I guess makes sense, but pretty sure her husband thinks I am the shitlord of the century.
Anyway, so whenever she asks me to go to these meetings, I just say- you know why I do not want to. But she keeps asking it, as if she still didn't know what had happened.
Another thing regarding the point she likes to pretend world is the way she would like to be- she lies to relatives that my brother studies in university- he never has, he has however managed to climb the ladder and have a really impressive salary for his age, nothing to be ashamed of. But I guess that's not perfect enough.
Another thing, I have considered moving abroad permanently, or at least for couple years. It's not because of yesterday, the times I have spent abroad, 2weeks-2months, have usually been very calm, I always feel rejuvenated as a person even though usually I am working all of that time, and especially after longer periods, I do not understand why would have I been so stressed before I went away. And then I come back and I remember. But I am not sure if I am not just trying to find a easy fix for my own stress issues.
>>17219578
I'm >>17219538
It sounds to me like your mother is very narcissistic, as well as exhibits borderline personality tendencies, which makes the world either great "as she sees it" or awful "as she is forced to look at it by her child (you)"
Either way, this type of relationship is toxic and in general the only way to fix it is to
1) remove yourself completely
2) establish boundaries
3) be comfortable with the boundaries as they are for your own mental health, and not done to hurt her feelings
4) hope that she wakes up to the fact that it is really her own actions that are pushing you away, rather than constantly try to shift blame on you for her feelings of abandonment/inadequacy/pity for herself.
You will not be a happy person until you decide that your happiness is worth more than her never ending need for validation (which will always be never ending)
As far as moving away - that is running away from your problems, and will only leave you with a sense of guilt. Only do this if you are willing to completely cut her out of your life.
Ah, over protective. My mother is the same. She would call me at least twice a day when I finally went off to uni. She also calls me over and over if I don't pick up, called my RAs and had them come check on me when I didn't answer the phone while napping in my dorm, called the police when she couldn't get me a day written I was really busy.... It's bothersome, but she's got c-ptsd and an anxiety disorder, so I decided to work with her. We set up a system where I'll text her every morning and night, and I'll call her on Wednesdays and Sundays unless I have something to talk about or it's important. Have you tried talking with your mom about a similar setup?
>>17219698
His mom has called 33 times in one go - that is far beyond over protective into obsessive control territory
Has it gotten worse since you admitted to being abused? It almost sounds like a subconscious guilt thing now to me
>>17219687
>>17219698
Yeah, permanent removal isn't an option, she hasn't done anything deliberately to harm me and that really is the nuclear solution.
I think I will literally write up a plan, talk through it with her and see if it works. Only thing I don't know is what to do if she does not follow the agreement. Say, keeps calling me with excuse- I just wanted to know how are you-etc, which are not malicious, nevertheless, I cannot not pick up, since then she freaks out.
>>17219763
I'm >>17219538
follow >>17219538 if she doesn't follow an agreed upon plan
>>17219720
No, this has been happening ever since I had a cell phone, but she started calling daily when she moved out, so 7 years now.
Also, it has to pretty damn subconscious since she still tries to make me go see those people. And I don't mean asking just once, but 1-2weeks leading up to it every time we speak she asks if I will also come. So, do the math, 7-14 days straight you are being asked to spend your Easter/Christmas/Random weekend with that person around. AND after the visits, letting me know what that person has been up to, what their life is etc. Things such as it is weird he doesn't have a girlfriend while is successful and not shit looking.
Honestly, I sometimes consider calling that city's police and asking if there have been any underage rape cases, because that is creepy.
Point is, this guilt then is very selective.
>>17219774
Actually, while she has said she will call police, she never has, so maybe nothing will happen if I don't answer.
>>17219763
Good stuff, anon. I really hope it works out.
