I've been dating a guy for 2 years now. We are very close and I feel really lost when I'm without him. However, in the first year of our relationship, he was really critical of little things. At first this didn't bother me much because sometimes he was helpful, but most of it just came off as rude, and it was happening more and more. Things like "What the hell are you doing" because I was breaking down cardboard boxes "the wrong way," etc. After the year marker we got engaged. These were happy times. I still don't know if I'll ever connect with anyone else the way I connect with him when we're both happy. He's like my other half. But his narcissism and anger have escalated. At this point we live together/alone with our pets. He is never cruel to them. But I'm a different story. We got into a moral argument one night. I said that I would step up to a fight with a larger human being if that person was beating a child, even if I knew I would lose. He said this was stupid because he cared more about me than the kid and he just needed me to promise I would never risk my life like that. I told him I couldn't change my moral compass and I couldn't make that promise. He said he couldn't imagine ever losing me. Then he pushed me into our room and when I tried to leave he blocked my way. He said I was going to sit down and listen to him. He yelled at me some more and started smashing my hair straightener in front of me. I begged to leave and he refused. I stayed in the room and cried while he sat in the living room. He would tell every now and then to tell me to shut up if I got too loud. Finally he came in there and picked me up and tried to drag me out. I grabbed the wall so he pushed me into it. It collided hard with my eyebrow so I had a bruise for awhile. After he got me out he made me sit with him and be quiet. I fell asleep there. The next morning he was waking me up frantically. He was saying he was sorry, he didn't know what came over him.
He had an icepack on my head and he said he didn't realize I had been hurt. He'd cleaned everything up. That was the worst thing that had ever happened between the two of us. Everything has, for the most part, been fine since then. Life has been good. He got promoted at his job. We got a new apartment.
This morning I had set an alarm for 9:30. He had asked me to make sure we got up because we have housework to do. But it's nothing on a deadline. I woke up at 9:20 and, still tired and knowing the alarm would go off, I reset it for 10. He woke up at 9:45 and immediately started degrading me and questioning why I never listen to him. I apologized and said we could wake up now. He agreed but didn't get up and when I closed my eyes again he yelled at me. So I got up and I went downstairs and let the dog out, came back up to see what he was doing, and he was sleeping. I went to wake him up and now he's saying his stomach hurts. I told him it must not have been hurting too much to insult me earlier. He ignored me and rolled over.
Now I'm just sitting here alone wondering if this relationship is worth it. I feel truly neglected and unloved. But considering how good the good times are and how much time we've invested, I want to give him a chance to make me feel loved again. But I don't know how to make him realize he needs to try to do that because everything I say I don't feel good about the relationship he acts defensive like I'm attacking him for the past. I really just want a better future. What should I do?
>>17218923
He has unresolved issues- and it looks like you triggered his psychotic episode.
He doesn't want to lose you, but the way he acted was extremely ridiculous.
I'd recommend seeing a therapist together if you value your relationship.
His behavior will escalate if you don't confront him or leave.
Sometimes people lose it, sometimes they're controlling pricks.
>>17218929
Also, are there any other stressors in his life? People tend to lose it when they're under a lot of stress.
The nitpicking will happen eventually in every relationship- just gotta make it clear that it bothers you and he'll stop.
>>17218923
I think you need to re-read the part about where he got so upset over a theoretical scenario that he physically intimidated you and pushed you into a wall. Walk away before it gets worse.
>>17218929
Thank you. I appreciate the advice. I will definitely look into that. You're one of the first not to tell me either point-blank to leave him because he's terrible or point-blank to stay because he's not that bad.
>>17218932
That's a good point too. I don't think he meant to hurt me with the wall thing but the facts that he destroyed my property and kept me somewhere I didn't want to be have really bothered me.
>>17218933
Anyone who's been in a long term relationship knows that things aren't that simple.
Ultimately, I'd sit down and figure out if you can make it work with this guy in the long term. Where do you see yourself in 5 years, etc.
>>17218931
He lost his dad 7 years ago and he was in juvenile detention at the time and they refused to let him attend the funeral. I think that fucked his head up pretty bad. But we talk about it sometimes and I always give him his space and try to be supportive. And his job is pretty straight-forward and I don't mean to talk myself up but I'm pretty chill as a girlfriend. His mom is cool too and tries to help him out whenever she can. That's really the only negative thing in his life but it's time for him to move on. His dad was kind of an ass anyway. He overdosed on purpose, with 5 kids under his belt.
>>17218937
2 years is not the longest time. It's not like you've spent the last 10 years planning and building a future with this man and don't want to drop it all. Not to sound like a ass, but as a woman you have so much dating power it's silly for you to stick with someone that is basically a man-child and doesn't treat you with respect or love.
>>17218908
Wow that is a gross overreaction on his part.
You got into a stupid argument over something totally hypothetical and it escalated into physical abuse.
Sounds like you really need to move on.
>>17218950
You don't get to decide for him when he resolves his issues.
Even though his father was a jackass- part of him still loves him. I can relate, I haven't seen my father in 10 years.
Something like that can take a long time for a person to come to terms with.
In any event, getting him into therapy is a good idea- don't force him, but seriously talk to him about it. Sounds like he might have a messed up view of relationships from his questionable family life.
>>17218952
That's what my friends tell me. I guess I'm being selfish too in that part of it is fear. I've only had one relationship before him that lasted more than a couple months and it didn't end well. I fell into a bad depression. When I met my current boyfriend he helped me to pull myself out of that rut. Even with a gross apartment and hair that hadn't been brushed in two weeks. I'm talking I was in seriously bad shape. I feel like he saved me and I have some kind of obligation to save him, too. Plus since I blocked a lot of the time before our relationship out of my head, I can't remember what it was like before him. Or before anyone. Being alone totally freaks me out. I'm honestly scared. Plus he's unstable. What if he tried to kill himself or got himself arrested somehow? And relationships are so much work. And I could easily end up with someone I love again, and after two years of being so sure start to doubt our relationship too. I don't know whether this is kind of normal for a long-term she we should just be working on it or if I should try to start my life over. And I mean, I care about him too. He couldn't afford this apartment without me helping and if I just walked away he would potentially lose everything. The kind of person he is though, I couldn't preemptively warn him. He'd make my life hell.
>>17218965
I understand that. I should have said it would be better for him if he could move on after all this time. For both of us. I think how much he misses his dad makes him subconsciously emulate him. He wasn't always a good guy. He had drug problems and neglected his children and beat his wife(s). I respect his need to honor his memory, but this is just too much...
>>17218974
You have to remember that you are your own person. Put your needs first.
>>17218974
>Being alone totally freaks me out.
I hear this so often that it seriously bugs me at this point. You will never become the best version of yourself if you're always attached to someone else, always leaning on someone else for comfort. Being alone by choice takes strength and it builds your own self worth. I feel like you need some of that self worth building.
In any case, I've shared my 2 cents in this thread. Best of luck to you.
