>>17217879

>from this he has determined I can't be liked
>cant go to her family functions on his side of the family
>her parents are divorced
>he abandoned her for 7 years
>tell my gf it's bullshit that she defends the way he treats me after he abandoned her
>she says that "no matter what he does family will always come first"
>so I ask her to repeat herself,
>literally no matter what I do or he does you will always put him first?
>she says yes
>realize I will never be a part of a family, ever, no matter what
>never realized that until that very moment
>existential crisis
>feel like im spinning
>realize I'm all alone
>have friends who I can chill with and have a great time, but no one who loves me, let alone unconditionally
>thinking about breaking up with gf because she loves her piece of shit dad more than me, and always will no matter what because muh family

I know that I won't find another girl that will love me more than her family, because apparently that is just how things work, no matter what the abuse..

So the only two options i have are stay in a painful relationship, knowing that I'll never be a priority, or live the rest of my life devoid of intimacy.

Idk what I'm even asking, just, has anyone else experienced this?

pls

dont over dramatize. you sound young, and narrow viewed about your negative experiences.

Are you looking for a long term committed relationship?

if she says she can't put you first ever, then she has looked as far ahead (as she can) and doesn't see a possible future in a higher commitment level than you are in now.

that tells you what you need to know, now decide what you're going to do about it.

also, keep socializing with those friends. they're the only way you're going to learn more about this problem because you're short alot of knowledge.

>>17217893
Don't give up yet, anon. When you find someone who truly loves you, and who you love in return, they become family. If you can hold on and find that, even if it all crashes and burns, just knowing that you had that experience sometimes is enough. I know everything is fucked right now, but keep going.

>>17217966
which part do you think im being over dramatic about? If it the part where I said my head was spinning, yes that was dramatic, but I've felt like an outcast my whole life, and having a long term gf gave me a sense of belonging, but then I realized she doesn't care about me as much as I care about her, and it shook me deeply.

What knowledge would you say I'm short on? And I don't plan on stopping from hanging out with those friends, they're great guys, but sadly, (for me) two brothers and a cousin, so I know I'll never be in the inner, inner circle.

>>17217983

We see this shit alot. some of it is trying to get attention, some if it is self delusion. the reasons are unimportant.

but the overly dramatic reaction doesn't serve you in any way. See the problem for what they are, not more than what they are.

You're feeling a sense of detachment. Fine, great. we all do at some point, and its not unusual for it to make you feel like crap.

and the imbalance in caring? Thats the norm, not the exception. What makes you mature and capable as a person is how you deal with it.

I was in the same mis-match of care level with my current GF who i'm probably going to settle down with. It wasnt physical, shes built exactly how i like, and it wasn't emotional, we connect on life views. it was purely an intensity difference. But I'm a more mellow person than she is and we both had to adjust because we both like looking ahead and see ourselves in a way where we are closer.

this didn't happen for you, and it happened in such a way as to exacerbate a previous injury of feeling alone and detached.

so the prescription is to continue exposing yourself to people. since you're hurt, its safest to do so with people you know already.

>>17217983

the other problem is your frame of understanding of 'inner circle.'

people are complicated.

there isn't a magic membership card. there isn't a special kool-aid.

this girl decided her family comes first. fine. not everyone feels that way about family that actually takes care of them.

its a big huge fucking world.

you just sound young. so lick your wounds and don't make your feeling worse by isolating yourself needlessly or you'll never rack up the XP you desperately need.

>>17218080
So it's normal for men to date women who view them as disposable, or it is normal for one partner to be disposable, and also I'm less worried about my gf, but more interested in knowing if you can live a fulfilling life without family ties. Both of my parents are unrepentant abusers and blame me for the abuse. So other than a GF I have no chance for family relationships, and then when she told me that her "real" family matters more I was crushed. I actually have a loaded gun in my room right now, I've always thought about killing myself, but since this happened thinking about killing myself makes me nervous because it seems like a very real possibility.

Fuck OP. this hit me right in the feels. it sounds like youve had a fucking hard life. as someone with a bit of experience in this, ill give you all the advice i can.

1. family is not everything. in fact, your girlfriend is a piece of shit for taking her fathers side.
2. you will be able to find friends who mean the world to you, and you mean the world to them. those people do exist out there. friends can mean more than family.

3. essentally what im saying is that people who grew up with a strong sense of family already have that made for them. and those who didnt (you and i and countless others) have to make those strong human bonds by themselves. its a lot more work, but in the end, in my opinion, they mean much more.

4. and if youre not the type of person who was super popular and had a lot of friends growing up, dont sweat it. i was like that too. and i met some amazing people who really helped me out in this last year or so. you will find at least one important person in your life who you can rely on and trust. i promise.

5. it sounds like youre in a really fucked up situation. but if you look on the bright side, once you get out of this youll be a much stronger person. think of it as natural selection.

>>17218100
>disposable

You're reaching for words that make it sound colder than it is, anon. It's about priorities, and it's pretty narcissistic of you to assume that you were going to be #1 in her eyes. Calm down, the world isn't ending. You don't have to be involved with her dad's side of the family. "Half" of her family is still a whole family in its own right.

>>17218100

you're over dramatizing again and deflecting, fuckwit. pay attention.

>So it's normal for men to date women who view them as disposable, or it is normal for one partner to be disposable

neither, quit offering up bullshit redpill premised questions.

what was said was that it is normal to have an imbalance in the depth of passion. what makes you not a shitty person is exploring it WITH them and what you expect out of the relationship WITH them and seeing where you want to go.... WITH them.

>Both of my parents are unrepentant abusers and blame me for the abuse.

that sucks balls. But neither of them have any direct authority over you anymore right? Not living with them, getting money from them?

> So other than a GF I have no chance for family relationships, and then when she told me that her "real" family matters more I was crushed.

this is where your youth is showing. You know you can start your own family, but you're still using the language of a GF, vs a wife.

Listen, you're just smarting real bad from being hit in a tender spot. Its ok. It happens. and it will probably happen again, so forgive yourself for having misplaced expectations. nobodys perfect.

>I've always thought about killing myself, but since this happened thinking about killing myself makes me nervous because it seems like a very real possibility.

well, I can tell you that what you've had to deal with has really sucked. But it would take alot more than that to make me wanna cash in my chips like that. Especially if I was still in healthy body.

>>17218114
Thanks man, feels good to know I'm not alone. My new friends are total bros. Just happened to get a job at a small company and five other guys the same age as me worked there, and we all hit it off beautifully. It's only been a few months, and it's going great, but it doesn't feel "familial" like we are brothers and I could tell them anything. I have trouble with male intimacy, but from what I can tell that is normal among guys.

And yea, I'm pretty much mentally checked out of the relationship right now. Ironically we have been having sex more since I started acting distant. Me and this girl got on beautifully, and even our disagreements are pretty civil and we work to a mututal benefit. We share the same political views, have an identical sense of humor. Basically all the boxes were checked for a lifetime of happiness until this bombshell of, "you'll never come first" got dropped. We live together, and we're both students, so for now I think i have to tough it out. But I honestly see no future with this girl anymore. And that is tough as hell to say, because she is the only person I've ever felt truly close with, but knowing she values her scumbag dad over me for no reason that "he's my family" is just sticking a knife into my heart.

>>17218125
Appreciate you staying in the convo with me and talking me through not just cutting me down.

I guess you're right, and I am young, only 20. Completely cut off from my family, and it is crazy as hell. I'm still so jealous of people who have good families, and secretly I resent them a little bit for it. Idk man, just wish I had someone who wasn't my gf, and preferably a similar situation to talk with, so i came to you guys.

>>17218125
>this is where your youth is showing. You know you can start your own family, but you're still using the language of a GF, vs a wife.
>Listen, you're just smarting real bad from being hit in a tender spot. Its ok. It happens. and it will probably happen again, so forgive yourself for having misplaced expectations. nobodys perfect.

I don't know man. He's not that off with the family thing. Women too have an oedipus complex.
Speaking from experience, my father has been shit with us. Not abusive, but not a helpful father at all. One day mom and dad argue, my mom says, "You don't care about your family at all." To which he replies, "I do! I call them when I can!" My mother had entirely been arguing about us –him included– and how he's shittu, but my father disregarded us and thought solely of his family back in his country.

It's still a possibilty that she will still not see anon as family, but supplemental. Her kids would still be more 'family' to her than anon. Blood of my blood and that whole legacy bullshit.

>>17218122
I mean, I outright asked her if I was disposable, and she said something very close to

>i hate using that word but yes, you're right. If you treated me the way my dad did I would leave you. My family will always be there for me, so I'll always prioritize them over you

So no, she didn't directly tell me that I'm in danger of being replaced by the next sucker, because she isn't a heartless bitch, but she did make it clear that even when her dad hates me for no reason she will defend him like she never would defend me

>>17218154
Yea, thats kinda the vibe I got, and funnily enough she said one day we can have our own family, so i imagined having kids. Her new order of priorities would probably be


>herself (understandable)
>her kids
>her family
>me (disposable)

So basically I'd move down a notch on the totem pole of things she cared about if we had kids.

>>17218147
This is my first post in the thread. You got good advice already but I 'd like to comment on your jealousy of those who have good family relationships.

Are you interested in being a father one day? If so, you can make your own family. And you can help make it the most loving and kickass family the world has ever seen, because you sure as hell aren't going to be like your mother and father.

>>17218170
I mean yea, ideally I'd like to be a father. But I have no support network to offer my kids, I would never have kids with a woman who sees me as disposable, and although my girl is a lot more sentimental about me than just about any relationship I've seen irl, she made shit clear.

And then of course I thought about all the conversations I had with my parents when I was young and powerless begging them to see reason. And I imagined my kids trying to argue with their mom when her morals don't align with fairness or virtue, or merit. Just "family comes first" and then of course anything else that could stem from that line of thinking. And then beyond that, if her fucking dickhead dad won't even talk to me, he better not even try to see my kids. And that is an incredibly toxic dynamic, because I know my girl would want to bring our kids around her dad, because she thinks the world of him. She is still stuck in that little girl "my daddy is a super hero phase" even though he makes like $30k a year at a job he despises working the graveyard shift living off support from his own girlfriend.

>>17218190

> I would never have kids with a woman who sees me as disposable, and although my girl is a lot more sentimental about me than just about any relationship I've seen irl, she made shit clear.

so whats your next move? stay with her hoping she'll change? not a winning strategy, anon.

this is what is actually your real and current problem.

You want a long term relationship.

You're currently with someone who doesn't see long term with you in the way you do.

you need to not waste any more time with her as you are now, because you've actually got fewer problems than you think.

You've actually identified what you want. Thats better than most anons who come here with problems.

>>17218201
I agree, i think i even posted I'm not into the relationship anymore, but we live together and logistics is the only issue. And we only had this convo less than a week ago. So I'm gonna let it fully sink in. Explore alternative living arrangements, and then make my move from there.

I feel a lot better now that you pointed that out to me.

mildly hijacking this thread.

I've never been alone in the sense of living arrangements in my life, but i feel hopelessly alone around other people. I feel that I lack the conversation and networking skills to find a sense of community. Even if I stumble upon something like this, I am not known for upkeep on the relationships in my life. I feel cripplingly alone, but at the same time am afraid to reach out for a communal connection. I am married and work anywhere from 50 - 60 hours between sunday and thursday. I do discuss my loneliness with my wife and I love her with all my heart and have no desire to leave her. I just wish I had a friend.

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>>17217893
>>realize I will never be a part of a family, ever, no matter what

Same bro
My dad used to yell every day when I was kid until I started talking back and eventually had to go to a psychiatrist because of shit grades
>"Hurr durr" gotta find out what his problem is, you are the fucking problem you dumb fuck
I mean it stopped or at least lowered the amount he yelled at my sisters so I guess whatever helped them a bit
My mom was a dumb fuck
We also moved when I was like 4 so my parents and 2 sisters are my only "family" since we pretty much left them forever
Lol I still cry about it fucking like 3 months ago especially when they visit even though I don't feel attached to them just the though of having a family and the fact it was my dad who made us move to the US doesn't exactly help

Never went to parties, never went to sleep overs never did anything as a kid because parents where over protective
And my mom lied to my about some school stuff later on, so I pretty much lost at my friends from middle to high school
So I did not have "experience" and had barely any friends so I fucked up and gained an Autistic reputation

I just really want to move out
I have one year left of shitty highschool, hoping to make some friends so I can be as far away from my parents because I cant do this anymore and I just need to tough it out for 1 more year before I get to leave for the Military.

It's looking good right now, looking like I might actually do work over summer
Just faking it until I get to move the fuck out of this hell hole.

>>17218532
Feel for you completely man. Just tough it out. Don't get caught breaking any laws, and try to have fun and make friends. Once you remove yourself from the toxic people you can begin grow. You might be afraid of a void forming, but the void was always there, and it is less stressful to avoid the people then sit around making tense, awkward chit chat pretending you care about one another.

>>17217879
I didn't go through quite as much shit, but I was basically ostracised from my family, was utterly miserable for a while, then I met someone who I fell for almost immediately, her family adores me, and I ended up moving in with her. Since then I have made steps to mend bridges with my family, since I was in a better place emotionally to do so.

Also, overprotective fathers are the oldest cliche. Eventually he with either be forced to accept you or you will find a way to prove you aren't everything he thinks of you.

So what I am getting at is A) all us not lost with your gf or your family, and B) even if everything is shitty now, it can get better.

Also, you can't change where you came from or choose your family, but you CAN make your own family. Your feelings of dread are understandable, but you have time to get what you want.

>>17217879
be me:
>25 years old
> heavily bullied for almost 10 years
> friendless (always been)
> dateless
> hugless
> kissless
> virgin

> never been in club/disco
> was once on a party
> was once going out drinking

> trying to become fit, not obese anymore, still overweight
> trying to become good at studies, but am medicore

>>17219262
This is a lot different from being overweight and autistic, maybe if you didnt try to make everything about you people would have an interest in hanging out. Just a thought.

>>17219086
Thanks

> Once you remove yourself from the toxic people you can begin grow

It will be here before I know it.