by the way, here are some things that my boyfriend (been together for about a year now) is similar to my dad
>easily angered (made a thread about this yesterday, but the anons itt seemed to think he was venting in a healthy way since he never tries to intimidate me)
>5 years older than me (dad might've been 6 years older than my mom though)
>have a tan complexion
>has an intimidating appearance/scary looking
>grew up without parents, and in the ghettos, raised by their siblings and otherwise lived a rough life
>also the youngest in their family
>extremely hard working
>were introverts

where the differ
>dad is extremely conservative; hates gays, believes in women's roles, doesn't believe in race mixing, etc. very strict even about food (family could only eat traditional dishes)
>boyfriend is more liberal (he's white, i'm asian), very PC and open-minded
>dad had no friends that i can think of, my bf makes friends wherever he goes
>bf seems to reflect and think about his actions even after being angry or sulky
>dad never apologized for anything

i can add more but this is what comes off the top of my head...

>>17213355
>easily angered

might be a problem

>5 years older than me (dad might've been 6 years older than my mom though)

pretty standard.

>have a tan complexion

irrelevant

>has an intimidating appearance/scary looking

irrelevant unless you're scared of him

>grew up without parents, and in the ghettos, raised by their siblings and otherwise lived a rough life

irrelevant

>also the youngest in their family

irrelevant

>extremely hard working

if your dad was hard working then what's the money laundering all about?

>were introverts

irrelevant

they don't sound very similar except for superficial stuff

>>17213275
>>bf seems to reflect and think about his actions even after being angry or sulky

That sounds like the biggest thing to look for. People get angry, you'll probably at some point fight in your relationship because you're both human. It's important to know you can get past it though. If someone thinks yelling the loudest or being the angriest, or being the most capable of walking out means they WIN the argument.. that's when things are dangerous.

You can't trust your mom's word, because she's already made it clear she'll say things specifically to hurt you. Just take her messages as a coin flip. 50/50 chance, you're not at fault for listening to her or not. She ruined her reliability, not you.

For your partner, focus on your actual relationship. How do you feel? How does he feel? Are you both on the same page? How do you work through things?

>>17213380
>if your dad was hard working then what's the money laundering all about?

i don't know... my theory is that the divorce really broke him... he was at his lowest point i think; unemployed, depressed and family gone... i think he got desperate and wanted to re-deem himself somehow... fell for the "nigerian prince" kind of email scam... lost his mind.

but i remember him being extremely hard working. he came from literally nothing to putting himself through school and getting an engineering degree and being the handyman/problem solver of the house. i don't remember much else of him though, it's been over 8 years since i last saw him.

>>17213275
Two important points:

1. Your parents' story is not about you. Whatever their individual or combined sins, they were not in any way your fault - or, for that matter, your business. You were a kid and by definition an innocent bystander. If you WANT to learn the story, as an interested outsider, you can ask them separately and try to piece together the truth. But that will be just for your idle curiosity, because of . . . . .

2. Your Story is not about your parents. Your life is yours, and any similarities or parallels to theirs is purely coincidental, as long as you don't fall into the trap of thinking you are doomed to relive their stories.

Get on with life. Find your own way. Some of it, inevitably, will be influenced by them, but only as much as you allow or choose.

>>17213403
thanks anon, i guess that does weed out some of my paranoia...

my boyfriend and i love each other very much; we always tell each other how much we appreciate one another and try to support each other when in need. he does get easily upset though... when he gets angry i just freeze up. this is probably more due to the conditioning of my parents and an emotionally abusive ex... so i'm particularly sensitive to people who get angry.

the one time my bf was angry at me (i just simply suggested he finds another job since i know his current one causes him so much stress), he still said i love you before leaving me alone and having himself let off his steam. later that same day, he returned and seemed more calm and seemed sorry for behaving that way. it still caught me off-guard at how something i never intended to make him angry got him upset anyway...

but on most days he is very loving and sweet. even when he complains and i try to cheer him up, he would tell me he appreciates it and thanks me and such.

what scares me though is how my mom told me that after 7 years of marrying my dad, he began to behave out of control.... i don't know if my bf would become like that? how can any one predict something like that...

>>17213426
thanks anon... i guess it's just reading the statistics about how people in abusive homes end up with abusive partners, and how sons and daughters unconsciously try to find partners that resemble their mom/dad, and the ol' "history repeats itself" saying, i am terrified and make great measures to try and not re-create my mom and dad's mistakes...

but i guess even after being careful, i still somehow fell for an abusive partner (my first boyfriend) and i'm scared my current might pull a bait and switch when he's sure he "has" me.

but it's been a year now and my boyfriend has been relatively consistent... no one can put up a charade like that for a whole year right?

>>17213467
>but it's been a year now and my boyfriend has been relatively consistent... no one can put up a charade like that for a whole year right?

it's not like abusive people are scheming for years to wait until they go 'HAHA I CAN FINALLY BE ABUSIVE'. they probably didn't know themselves.

people can turn abusive, sure, but as long as you're looking out for red flags and follow them you'll notice if someone is abusive.

>>17213474
yeah i suppose you're right... i still find it strange to hear from my mom how my dad became abusive after 7 years of their marriage... like what happened? how can i prevent that from happening to me?

the only thing i try to tell myself to feel a bit safer about it was that my mom and dad were in an arranged marriage, and neither of them have dated and were virgins before meeting each other. (to my knowledge)

so maybe my mom and dad's lack of experience could've contributed to that... and my mom maybe didn't get to screen my dad for red flags enough... though that doesn't stop my mom from trying to give me advice about men all the time.

>>17213447
You can't predict the future. That's why it's the easiest way to scare people. Whatever anyone says, you can always say BUT WHAT IF?

Have you talked to him about your anxiety and how you feel when he's upset? That might make you feel more at ease. The biggest problem people have in relationships seems to be communication. Rather than telling their partner they have an issue, people try to just "deal" with it until they're so upset they BLOW UP at their partner, for something their partner didn't know was such a big issue.

Now, talking through things doesn't mean he's never angry, or you're never anxious. If you want your partner to respect and acknowledge how you feel, you should be prepared to do the same for them. And you just need to keep putting effort into it.

If he's upset, and needs to go away a bit to cool off, that's okay. That's how he deals with things. That's how I deal with things too. I get anxious and I prefer avoiding conflict. If someone makes me talk out something when I'm still upset and emotional, it's a good way to guarantee I will make it worse. I've talked through this with my partner. I figure that's the best we can do. Sometimes they still worry about me needing my space, I do my best to assure them that I WILL talk things out later. Sometimes we mess up, but overall we've gotten better.

Think of your relationship as always being a work in progress. Do you imagine your mom as someone who spent those 7 years working on their relationship together? Or do you imagine she let it fall apart over those 7 years?
And what about you and your boyfriend? Are you going to spend 7 years working together towards something? Or just settle with being together and slowly let things fall apart?

Be conscious about what you're doing and how you can affect things. When you're not, life feels like something that just happens TO you rather than something you're a part of.

>>17213529
>Have you talked to him about your anxiety and how you feel when he's upset? That might make you feel more at ease

no, but i think i'll bring this up with him the next time i see him...

my mom claims she did try to work on their marriage, but i don't remember either of them getting counselling, and i know it's in both their nature to be stubborn, and it's not like i haven't seen my mom fire shots or have a screaming match with my dad. so i hope it's just both of their lack of maturity and unwillingness to work on things until it all fell apart...

thank you about everything else, that really does lessen my paranoia a whole quite lot...