I need some advice.
Well I've got a girlfriend who's sick, she's got Fibromyalgia, which is a muscle disease which gives her a lot of pain.
During our time together, I've done some bad things, I used to still be on Tinder during our relationship, just to chat, I'm a pretty lonely person and I don't have any friends.
When she found out she got mad, which is understandable, after the third time, she left. I was feeling angry and sad and I thought it over and.. well she was my first 'real' girlfriend and I wanted her back.
So I tried my best to get her back, we agreed that I'd get some 'help' for my problems. I agreed to see a psychologist, it helped me a lot, I learned to be more of the person I enjoy being. Not all the time angry and easy to trip up on his own temper.
So yesterday I had a talk with my counselor about my girlfriend, she really wants to have kids (I'm 28, she's 25), but I don't think I'm ready yet and to be honest, I don't think she is either. She's still shy, unable to really do things for herself, she needs her support system where I learned to do without.
I told her that maybe it would be a good idea to visit a therapist as well, who could help her like they helped me. But she didn't want any of it, when we started talking about kids she asked if I thought she'd be a good mom.
I told her honestly, no, not right now. She got angry and moody and wrote me an e-mail, while sitting on the couch, so she couldn't even talk to me about it.
That I was lucky to have her, that I should accept how special it is that there is still an Us. I know that, I know I've been a dick, but she needs to get over herself. She thinks, or at least I feel, that she's Mother Theresa, being so forgiving and accepting that I should just accept her for what she is.
1/2
But I want someone I can rely on, someone I know will be there for me, on every level, emotionally, physically and financially.
I want a solid foundation as a partnership, one where we are both equals, right now I'm not feeling that.
So.. what do I do /adv/, I'm dreading talking to her about this, because she got so pissed at me for being honest.. but if I can't be honest, is the relationship worth it?
Help me out here please.
Nobody has any advice.. seriously, come on I need some help here. Please.
bumping again.
Naw, man, sick girls are a drag. But even worse are girls who have a fuckin minor condition like fibromyalgia and complain endlessly.
You were on Tinder because she is not doing it for you.
>Get another girlfriend, you'll thank me later.
You have an answer already. You don't want her yourself anymore. How could you continue your relationship with her when shes not even what you're looking for.
Just let go. You've come on this board and tell us nothing but the bad about her. Look at that, that should be your answer, listen to yourself. Shes bad for you and you honestly sound like you've tried, I get that, I sympathize with that, but you don't deserve to be unhappy. You shouldn't sacrifice yourself for her.
>>17191043
I get that. But I don't want to hurt her either.
My psychologist told me that I have 'systems', one of which is submission and the other is self-sacrifice.. which I guess is what I'm doing again now isn't it.
Still I'm going to feel like a dick about hurting her more. I already feel like one about saying that I don't think she'd make a good mom, even though I do still think that.
I feel like she's still in between, so not yet a fully matured adult.
But there is good in her as well man, she's a nice girl. She does nice things for me, whenever I need someone she's there and like I said, I haven't got any friends.
So.. what am I going to have left after she leaves.. or maybe that's just my fear talking.
>>17191023
She doesn't even complain about it that much, besides the fact that she always feels a degree of pain.
But she does clean & stuff, just she doesn't bring any money into the house and all attempts I've made about getting her to a temp agency are blown out of the water because 'I want to do things my way'
bumping again.
>>17190935
femanon who suffers from fibro and a genetic brain disease here, it honestly depends on the person but you have to realize that for women, having children is usually considered the ultimate goal to obtain in life. telling someone who tries their hardest despite all that's going on in their lives that they can't be a mother can be pretty devastating.
also, being reminded when you're sick that there are things you can't do, that you most likely wont live a normal life, is hard to hear.
for people with fibro and any pain in general, this is the life we have to lead. especially if she lived a normal life once, and it was onset suddenly, she lost everything she once had from being sick. we try hard to obtain what it's like to be 'normal' and if we can't do those things feel like a failure.
her 'right now' self is going to be her for the rest of her life, sick people often don't get any better and have to learn to cope, which most of us learn pretty early on. so in the eyes of someone who's sick and is living as well as they possibly can, you're basically saying she'll never be mother material and has to work harder to achieve the standard of 'normal', when there is no normal for a sick person.
there is no normal for a sick person, only maintaining and managing your pain and learning to cope with each day. if you can't handle her now, things aren't going to change with therapy because it's not something mental that's bothering her, it's her body.
TL;DR: if you don't think it'll work, and aren't willing to be fine with the fact that this is going to be a life time thing, you need to find someone else.
it's definitely understandable that most people can't handle living with a sick person, and you shouldn't feel like you're forced to just because we're sick
>>17191108
Thanks lady, that actually helps.
That puts things in a bit more perspective for me. And while I know that she's a great person, a great carer and that she loves me and I love her.
I can't help but feeling that ending it, might be better for both of us, for the long run. I doubt I'm strong enough to stay here for her.
And when I do have kids, I want them to be mine for the rest of my life.
I guess I'm going to have to break her heart.. any ideas I can do it softly?
>>17191117
i'm not trying to keep you from breaking up with her but just remember that while you think you're not strong enough, we normally don't need someone to be strong. we can normally deal with the pain ourselves and don't need someone to take on our pain, we only need them to be there for us.
that being said, if you're having any doubts at all it's probably a good sign you need to cut things off, especially if the thought is stressing YOU out. you're important too, and your well being is important, as well.
all i can really say is to be open and honest with her. don't make excuses (i'm not strong enough to be with you, etc). if possible, sit down and talk with her about things so she can get closure and so can you.
>>17191156
But she does need me, sometimes because like today, she can't get out of bed because she's feeling ill.
So I'll go grocery shopping alone, sometimes she needs me to brush her hair, to wash her, to clean her up.
And I don't want to become a caretaker as well as a partner.. but I know how she gets when she's angry, she's going to scream and cry.
But.. I just have to rip off the bandaid, right, hard and swift. It'll hurt but.. when is not gonna right?
>>17191178
You know it
>>17191178
now i definitely see your predicament, then. i know personally on my 'good' days, i'm the best person to around and can be motivated and so much fun. however, on the bad days i am mean without meaning to be to everyone and can do horrible things. being sick you have two different personalities, and it's hard to come to terms with this, especially if the person isn't getting help to handle and cope with their varying 'personalities'.
in fact, it can be psychologically devastating to some people in your situation, so i definitely think even more now that you need to go through with it.
anyways, i agree that you need to rip off the bandaid before it festers and either of you starts to feel resentment towards one another.
anyways, just remember, you're not being 'selfish' for wanting a different life than one with her. good luck anon.
>>17191207
Thanks femanon.
I'm already feeling this pit in my gut forming. But I'm doing it.
Fuck this is not going to be easy but.. I'm doing it.
>>17191213
biggest thing i didn't mention is to be conscious of the time and place you break the news. things like this can have a big factor on how things will turn out.
i have faith in you, anon. even if things don't go as planned you can use what you've learned and apply it towards your next relationship.
>>17190935
>Well I've got a girlfriend who's sick, she's got Fibromyalgia, which is a muscle disease which gives her a lot of pain.
It's also a myth and she's just a soft cunt
>help
>problems
what problems?
You're getting cucked, my dude. Never let a woman walk over you like that.
bumping for more advice.
>>17191538
To the core there are two options to your dilemma.
You care greatly about her, if you truly do and you are the sacrificial person you are then you will trade your happiness for hers. Give up on your life and help her live yours by committing to the relationship. Be there to help her up in the morning, reassure her and have children with her.
or
End the relationship, leave her and don't come back to help her in the end. This sounds brutal but if you half ass commit a few more years in only to leave her or even worse divorce after you've had children the damage will be much worse. I know this hard but if you do care about her you will hurt her now and for good. The deeper you go into the relationship the more you will hurt her if you don't stick to it.
It can't be anything in between because you'll just leave confusion between her and you. The fact is you care about her but you have a choice; your happiness? Or hers?
>>17190935
>after the third time
It shocks me sometimes what women will put up with.
>>17190944
>if I can't be honest, is the relationship worth it?
In my opinion, no. Honesty is extremely important for me.
But your opinion is the one that matters here.
>>17191057
>So.. what am I going to have left after she leaves.. or maybe that's just my fear talking.
It is. Justified fear, if you don't have any other friends/romantic prospects.
But you can probably find someone else, still got time.
>>17191108
I don't think the actual limitations are what OP is worried about, it's her maturity and interpersonal abilities.
Chronic disease does not excuse those.
Fibromyalgia (with medication) is not generally considered disabling enough to bar motherhood: if she can't cope with her symptoms enough to allow it, therapy should help.
>>17191600
I know.. and I pussied out again... I chose her happiness.. or at least, trying it again. But.. I can't bring myself to really break her heart, I'm just a big pussy.
We've been together 1,5 years..
>>17191669
>I don't think the actual limitations are what OP is worried about, it's her maturity and interpersonal abilities.
>Chronic disease does not excuse those.
That is my fear yes.. and she still hasn't addressed it, she just brushes it aside, like she's not hearing it.
