Im a young adult, very shy all his life but getting more and more isolated with the time. I hide myself behind my monitor and was hiding myself in the toilet in the last school years, because i didnt want people to see that im alone. (just a random anecdote to get a picture)
"I" fear the future and i do everything to avoid confronting it. I wasted one year now with doing nothing essentially- i didnt travel, i went to university for a bit but didnt go there after 2 months or so- i didnt talk / socialized with ANYONE there.
Im unable to socialize. More important, i fear the future. When i wake up in the morning the whole day i search for distraction. I wake up with the feeling that i have to research for unversity stuff etc. what i want to do with my life but im unable to. I wont research a bit, the most i can do is open one or two sites of universities and then quit, play video games and watch tv series again.
Also my perception of life is changing constantly (in the past more tho). Sometimes i think my life is kind alright- and then i think its terrible.
The point is, i TRIED to change me repeatedly, and i failed. I can read me trying and failing in my diary. I wrote that i would write everyday about my current state of mind etc. and if i accomplished the things that i wanted, and after a few days i just stopped writing.
About the title and the picture: I feel like i dont have my life in my hands. Theres a crazy strong voice in my head that constantly drags me away from looking forward, just in the moment the things come into sight.
EVEN MY HOBBIES I ONCE HAD, music, playing guitar- i flee from it! How is that possible? Are those NOT my hobbies? But i dont have any fun playing video games and watching fucking tv shows either! I dont have fun in anything!
I dont know where to start and where to end... ill add more information tomorrow possibly. First post i hope i didnt violate any rules.
I want to know if you can relate to me, if youve been through that.
You need structure. You need direction. Have you considered joining the military?
First off, calm the fuck down. Honestly. Your "procrastination" / clearly depression that you're too anxious and self-conscious to confess for can be solved by just CALMING THE FUCK DOWN.
You don't need to play video games, you don't need to torture yourself anymore.
Take a fucking break from ALL technology and addictions (note on shitty food at random parts of the day).
Just go to some greenery, sit there, and allow yourself to just rest. No need to analyse. Realise that your brain is a lateral organ, you can have a clear mind at one point of the day, and it won't matter, because stimulus will pull you back up.
Maybe you've set too many high expectations for yourself. Just live in the moment, critique things intellectually and make an equally self-rewarding and rational plan to get your life in order. Watch motivational videos, look up different diet plans online when your curiosity asks so.
Synthesise mental impulses to push you away from bad habits for a while, manipulate your over-analysis to your advantage, be absolutely INTOLERANT and dedicate to a serious, logical thought.
Success isn't some fantastical thing that can be required at any point of time. Your mind is a biological being, you need to develop habits and coping mechanisms to survive.
And its not too late, I'm guessing you're still in yours 20s or 30s.
Start caring about "hobbies" once your life is in check. Once you're responsible and you've gotten yourself out of this self-fulfilled hell, and I mean in a job, an active timetable and routine and plans for the future, start having fun with musical instruments.
Here's the GOLDEN RULE:
ALWAYS have progress, even if you still do an addiction, NEVER do it the same way, always cut off certain games you may have played for a long time, keep moving forward. This is pretty natural for gamers anyway, but speed up the process.
Good luck
>>17189940
You're gonna die one day. And accept that. Accept everything. Nothing gives a fuck so rest. Let your brain be in peace, and allow your intuition and instinct to live a well-lived life take control.
Also, get used to accepting the past, even if it may have happened a few seconds before. You're a new person, you can act a new way, think a new way as you please and nobody will ever notice. Its your right and decision to do so and nobody else's to point a finger at you and stick ANY label on you.
And even if they do, even if there is conflict, go back to the fact that you're living a finite human life and handle it as best as you can with the available resources you have.
>>17189940
>>17189953
Not OP but thanks. very well written, Where can I find more advice like this? a book or something
>>17189920
>I want to know if you can relate to me, if youve been through that.
I've been in the same situation for almost all of my live. I've never learned for anything because I couldn't focus on the most important tasks. In university I sometimes studied online courses of other universities and didn't learn for my own courses. I never had good grades because of that but always made it to the next level somehow. It's like as soon as I have an important task my brain tries everything to get me away from it. Right now I have to write my thesis and I think this is the time where I finally will fuck up big time :/
>>17189940
>>17189953
OP
First of all thx for the replies, theyre helpful. Words of others always have a bigger impact on someone than ones own words. You read me good and intuitive.
Ill really try to calm down. I probably wasnt calm once for the last years, even though i never said a word. Theres always been some kind of unrest/guilt in me that i have to overcome in a rational way now, i suppose. It will take a long time and hard work.
I can follow you except for the "manipulate your over-analysis to your advantage" part. What do you mean exactly?
I have to become rational driven. I tried few times, ill try again. I think it makes all the difference between being a human or an animalistic being / a zombie what a big part of me is now. Ill kill doubts since theyre irrational. Similar things are written in my diary... which is yet leading to being doubtful. Thinking right really is an art, isnt it.
Making peace with the past, yes i think thats really important for me. Because looking into the past can be really demotivational and depressing.
Random facts: Im 20, virgin, very few friends, bit of contact. Always ran away from the challenges in life. Nothing happens in my life, it freezes. I think i lost contact to my feelings if that makes sense. After doing sports or achieving little things perception of life changes dramatically. This is confusing me tho. What is truth? Youre right im over-analyzing,... but that doesnt answer the question. I think im not that depressed at all,or maybe i just dont know what not being depressed means anymore. I also think i have potential- i think im intelligent- i think i think more than other people. I have a theoretical confidence in me, tho im obviously no confident person. I just throw all of that into the room for interested people to read, for analyzing or seeing themselves in me.
Enough of that. Il calm my mind down now, think rational, and eventually try to find my intuition again. ill work on me once again.
>>17191745
Just want to chime in and and say I'm 29 and pretty much in the same situation you are in.
You have HEAPS of time.
I would recommend you STOP. Just stop. Stop thinking you HAVE to do something, stop thinking that you SHOULD do this.
Just take a walk around and do simple things and take enjoyment from the small things in life.
This isn't going to be all you are doing in life, but getting yourself to CALM THE FUCK DOWN is a great start.
>>17189920
>I want to know if you can relate to me
Pretty much me, although the social aspect has never been that bad and is actually getting better now that I'm in university.
>>17189929
>Have you considered joining the military?
>>17189940
>depression [...] can be solved by just CALMING THE FUCK DOW
>Take a fucking break from ALL technology and addictions
>>17189953
Good ending though, I'll give you that.
>>17191752
Only reasonable person offering advice ITT so far, in my opinion. Taking the time I would use to not do what I think I should be doing to instead settle down and learn to take in the moment and its intricacies is something I recommend doing for people like us. It usually makes me feel more mentally sane and in control, which sometimes leads to me actually starting to work towards whatever it is I feel the need to do at the time. Not only that, but taking some time to breathe, feel the moment and reflect upon things also makes you able to focus on any given task, at least for a while.
