Why don't I want sex even though it feels great when I do it ?
Been with my boyfriend for 4 years and recently we had an argument over the fact that, my BF is always the one to initiate sex. He feels as though he's walking on a tight rope because he often has to convince me to do it. And it makes him feel as though he's "desperate" or "begging for sex". However, when we do it, it's ALWAYS fantastic.
My sexuality is all kinds of fucked up because, even though I do enjoy sex with him a lot, for some fucking reason, i associate it with something bad/dirty. I masterbate quite seldomly because of this.Compaired to my BF who wants sex 1-3 times a week. I can easily go 3-4 weeks without even so much as touching myself (probably more).
He recently told me that he's getting tired of always asking me to do it (as opposed to the very few times that I did) and basically said that if I don't try to confront this problem of mine, then it'll hurt the relationship in the long run.
How do I remedy the situation /adv/ ?
Accept that sex and intimacy is mostly a vital part of a relationship and you`ll have to work it through by yourself, since you hold a negative view of it. I`ve also been there.
>>17171408
Get a pillow like this. Then he doesn't have to ask, he can just do it when he feels like it.
How do you not want sex? Is not wanting sex like a painful situation to you, is it connected to anxiety, is it something negative? Or do you just not feel like it?
I mean, people have different sex drives, that's just how it is. You can't just change these things about yourself. If you want things to be different, you'll just have to try to make a conscious effort to change them, for example by finding ways to get yourself in the mood on your own etc.
>>17171430
She said that it's because she associates it with something dirty.
Also, by saying "how" instead of "why" it makes it seem like you're baffled in how it's possible for anyone to not want sex. It's kind of invalidating, and before I read on I assumed that that's what you were intending.
OP, I'll be lurking this thread because I have the same issue as you. I was with my bf for 3, and we split for unrelated reasons. But it didn't help.
One thing that might work for you, that I tried (and it worked for a while) is to have defined date nights. Do something special together, even if it's having dinner with candles. Have that be a night where you are going to have sex. So you can kind of pump yourself up for it, and it doesn't have to be a "when will he ask next?" sort of thing. You'll know when to expect it.
Also, try finding things that get you closer to each other, but not quite sexual, for a foreplay. Like going for a run (to get your blood pumping) and then him giving you a massage afterwards (to initiate non-sexual touching)
>>17171430
Did you work through it by masterbating more for instance ? Or pretending to want sex more (opperating a fake it till you make it kind of logic) ?
>>17171420
Nothing serious but grew up in a catholic family (although don't really associate myself with parents way of thinking anymore), plus I have been a confused bisexual since i was 12.
I'd describe it this way: If i could avoid sex, or sexuality in my day i'm better off. I feel pressured by the idea (i'd like to stress that my BF is super respectful and the pressure is never from him) even though I know that It makes me feel great.
It's a fucked up discrepancy that is starting to take a tole on my relationship.
>>17171460
I realized it was psychological. I was (maybe still am) stressed with life events, studies. I calm myself down and I still try to open up more and more to him. He is very caring and it is basically my fault here. I barely masturbate, though, maybe once a week or twice if I`m in a good mood.
>>17171457
Oh those seem like great ideas however, one of his main issues with me is that he wishes it was a more spontaneous thing for us to do, so I'm affraid that it might not go over well if i ask him to schedule it.
>Like going for a run (to get your blood pumping) and then him giving you a massage afterwards (to initiate non-sexual touching)
this is a legitimately great idea though
>>17171475
I'd suggest going through with scheduling it anyway, because the more you get into the habit of it, the easier it will be for you. You could still have spontaneous sex at other instances though.
sounds like you experience somekind of trauma in your past
> How do I remedy the situation /adv/ ?
How about making an effort to initiate sex more often?
not op but interested reqding what people are saying
>>17171586
Well, simply put, I don't feel the need to do so because I rarely want it
>>17171592
That's kind of selfish. He's made it clear that it's a problem for him, if you're not willing to compromise he'll become more and more frustrated and you run the risk of losing him.
Look up responsive sex drive. Obviously this is not the whole thing for you because you mention associating sex with something dirty, but many women experience this. It boils down to having a perfectly functioning sex drive, but not becoming spontaneously aroused if there is no incentive like being kissed and touched. Understanding yourself is always helpful and perhaps this way you can seek out what sets you off yourself. Initiating doesn't mean having to do everything, you can ask him to for example kiss your neck if that gets you going, then jump him and go dirtier once you're more warmed up.
Of course acknowledging that this needs to change is important. The words he uses indicate that he already feels strongly about this. Feeling desirable is an important part of healthy mutual attraction to people and nothing you can say or do can replace at times taking initiative to feel his body against yours. In the meantime though, make sure that when you do have sex, you are eager, compliment him, take initiative to touch and please him so at least then he feels that you are attracted to him. No taking the back seat and being passive if that is the case now. Otherwise, continue as you did.
Ultimately it seems like you have sexual guilt. That could stem from assault or just very negative first experience(s), upbringing (parents having punished you or gotten very angry because you masturbated or experimented with another kid, shaming you for becoming sexually active), religion from your childhood or own choosing... If you want to get to the bottom of it, (sexual) therapy could be a good choice. You can even get it online nowadays. They probably have suggestions as well.
For the time being show as much enthusiasm as you can, as mentioned above, and try to vocalize to your best abilities these hang ups so at least your boyfriend is involved in your process and kind of knows what the deal is for you (not his lack of attractiveness).
>>17171586
>>17171621
OP is trying to see if there are any solutions that could help make it easier for her, rather than just forcing it.
When I was with my ex, when I forced myself to have sex with him, it made me feel awful. It might physically feel good, but I felt a deep feeling of uncomfortableness. I grew to dread whenever he came close to me, because I didn't feel like I had a choice in the matter. I would subconsciously tense up whenever he touched me.
I hated becoming that. I hated myself. I felt like failure of a human being.
So it goes a little deeper than "just do it"
>>17171592
>>17171639
This poster and also wanted to second >>17171621. I understand that you did not create yourself or choose to feel this way, but try to put yourself in his shoes. Even apart from what I already mentioned, initiating sex makes you pretty vulnerable. Most people already don't like hearing no to something they were enthusiastic about (just look at how socially unacceptable it is to tell someone you don't feel like meeting up with them, as opposed to making up an excuse), let alone offering yourself, your body, your most intimate desires and feelings, and taking the risk that someone says thanks but no thanks.
In a healthy relationship where reciprocated desire is palpable, this vulnerability and the power involved in accepting or rejecting someone are a complete none-issue, and in fact only deepen the intimacy when you find each other. But if you feel like you keep hearing no, or the eyes are forever on you to take the first step, resentment can easily build. The words your boyfriends uses - begging and desperation - indicate that he is already at the point where he feels humiliated that this task is solely his. That you are almost on a throne and can wave him off or beckon him, alright, at your wish after he bears his most personal needs and wishes for you. It will not take a long time for all the fun, playfulness and spontaneity to melt away because of these feelings of powerlesness, inferiority and insecurity.
You really need to take him seriously before he walks away.
>>17171475
Then shedule it for urself. "Next Wednesday is the night I fuck him". He doesn't have to know, but you have a plan. Go then through with it.
>>17171644
> OP is trying to see if there are any solutions that could help make it easier for her, rather than just forcing it.
Sorry, I didn't realize. I just wanted to emphasize how important it is not to dismiss your partner's warnings that there's a problem.
>>17171639
Also realized I didn't include it in the hasty typing, but obviously you might not recognize the responsive sex drive thing, it's just something that a lot of women seem to recognize themselves in and it might be part of your feelings on this.
>>17171639
Oh man thank you for writting all that, it's really reassuring to have it explained in detail the way you did.
>Ultimately it seems like you have sexual guilt.
This has been bothering me for several hours since we had our argument and I tried writting down a bunch of my sexual experiences in my childhood/adolescence in order to try and understand why i feel this way at all. I'm literally crying like a bitch thinking how uncomfortable and inadequate they made me feel at the time, and even now (again, nothing serious like rape) but more like older boys and cousins feeling me up in ways where I felt completely powerless and couldn't escape. I've never had sex before my current BF but literally every sexual experience before that (didn't have all that much) made me feel horribly uncomfortable. Plus like every teen I was terribly body concious
>>17171712
No problem at all. With what you describe it is really nothing but logical that you would not be eager towards the idea of sex. This is a really great start. If it is still too much at once to try to talk to your boyfriend about it, perhaps you could write him a letter (going into as much or little detail as you want, you could just leave it to realizing you felt really uncomfortable and unpleasant during and about those experiences) to give him some insight. I think that could potentially really take some of the tension away, especially because it must be very confusing for him as well that you enjoy it in the moment and are reluctant to do it again. I think hearing of this could really make him help to see that your issue is with how you got to learn what sex was like, not with the reality of what your sex life with him is like.
This sounds like something that has really affected you growing up and I think you could benefit lots from talking it over with someone else. Either a professional or a very dear, trusted friend that is a good listener.
>nothing serious like rape
This is a flaw in the logic. Of course things can always be worse but just because it was not rape or because they did not realize that anything was off, does not mean it was not serious to you. From what you describe you felt victimized and powerless. You don't need a reason for those emotions, they don't need to force themselves on you for those emotions to have existed and influenced you. The thing about them is that they don't adhere to logic, they just arise. It can be tempting to reason that since from their side it was not that bad, you have no reason to experience it as bad, while people's realities don't have to line up to a harmonious whole. That does not mean that either person's is not legitimate just because they experienced it differently.
>>17171742
I am sorry to hear that you went through this, it is a very fragile time in a person's self image to be a teenager and things can make big shock waves. But look at the good things. The good things are;
>your boyfriend communicated like an adult and obviously does not want to lose you, or he would have avoided this uncomfortable message
>you -do- very much enjoy sex with him once you get past your initial mental hurdle
>you have now identified the likely root that causes you to struggle with looking at sex as a positive thing if you're not already fully engaged
This is a point where you can move forward from. You will no doubt have some more painful memories/conversations/realizations, but ultimately it will make your relationship happier and stronger. It will feel good to look back on those shit memories with full adult realization that you did nothing wrong and you were just in over your head. Even if you never consciously realized that this was a past issue, people tend to hold subconscious bagage from their past, as is evident from your initial hesitance towards sex. I hope this is the beginning of a process that makes you come out a happier person. Good luck!!
>>17171742
Your capacity to understand how I feel in this situation is kind of astounding to me. Already getting some of that pain onto type and receiving yours (and other anon's) insight is making me feel a lot better about the whole situation. It's giving me the strength to try and be more proactive and understand my, and his feelings. I think I will most deffinitely talk to him about all this when I process it all more clearly.
Thank you, sincerely
>>17171475
My ex of 2 years was very into spontaneous sex. She would get this look in her eye, or maybe I would just jump with a deep kiss and heavy petting.
This kinda relationship made scheduled date nights very interesting. We would do physical teasing; maybe she would slighty grind up agaisnt my dick, or I'd feel up her ass and pull her in close. We enjoyed our dinner and drinks while firlting and connecting. By the time we had finished the date and got in the car the sexual tension would be near its peak. If she was driving I would touch her and play with her pussy, kiss her on the neck. If I was driving she'd tease me, nibble on my ear lobe, talk dirty to me.
When we would get back to her place it was tearing off clothes, sloppy kissing, pinning her against the wall, we wouldn't even make it to the bedroom sometimes. It's all about the build up. You cant force it, but I always loved my scheduled date nights and the fucking that would follow suite. In some ways the whole act of this date night should be like a type of foreplay. I hope this helps.
