/Adv/, i thought for a while, and i think the main reason of my trust issues is the fear of being replaced.
How do i fight it? It's literally crawling in my subconscious and shattering my social life. Like i dump friends, because they are moving on in their lives and tell how much fun they are having with other people!
Yes, I'm a childish insecure jerk, and i start thinking that they'll abandon me anyway, so i should do it first.
Like i've always been afraid to be vulnerable and never formed that special bond with friends, i felt that anyone else would work better than me. And it always looked like it.
>cont (don't wanna 4chan eating a 2000 story)
>>17171369
There were like two close friends i dumped that way.
The second one deserved it, for other reasons, but this what especially made me bitter.
Friend: hey, can you believe it? I told S my sad childhood story and she literally cried!
Me: *unimpressed, S is a social butterfly with great acting skills* yeah, she didn't have much of a choice
...
Friend: oh, check this awesome present S has gotten me for my birthday!
Me: *S texted me a day before to narrow the day before to narrow the date of said birthday*
And there was a ton of pictures on instagram of them hanging out together and such and my friend brought it up every time we met.
Giving it a second thought the friend had an attention seeking thing in her and it probably was it.
Because i've been indifferent and schizoid-like all my life.
>Cont
>>17171387
Then there was literally the first friend in my life, on whom i had a crush on.
We were cool in middle school and then we went to the same high school (the majority went there) and he started to spend 100% of his time talking to his new buddy.
I was totally unclear what makes me mad and started to get nervous, that my friend doesn't see that i'm a girl, so i started to hang out with girls and we didn't talk much anymore with friend.
I really couldn't figure out what made me sad and lonely in that new school, so i just switched to another one, without telling anyone. That was a dick move, i couldn't think straight at all, i just wanted to start anew, never see anyone from my past again (i did it often in my life).
I still remember the childish thing that made me especially sad. It was my friend inviting me to play a domino game in class and then after i refused he quickly went to another girl and they had fun and played.
Don't know what i was expecting.
Gosh, i remember, i was always acting like a vile, emotionless bitch. Even my parents constantly told me i'm so indifferent and distant.
But i didn't do it out of spite, i was shy and anxious as fuck, talking to a cashier in a shop was a triumph for me.
How do i fix myself, /adv/? That must be the root of all evil in me, i'm sure now.
>tl;dr
>Op is afraid close friends will get her replaced, when they met someone cooler
>"Cooler" means literally everyone. Because op is a shitty friend and even total jerks can be good friends.
>So op doesn't get close friends at all and writes her problems on 4chan instead.
>/adv/, help
Nah you're not a shitty friend and i had a similar thing
I pushed people away my whole life and a few friends deserved it but the ones that were keepers stayed with me through it all
No idea how to help
But if you want something you do that, if you want a guy to ask you out ask him out
For friends i have no idea as i only have a few and we really stick together
Also your fears are somewhat realistic, i always had a wall between me and other people and when i opened up to my ex and actually got close to a person she cheated on me and now you need a battering ram to get close to me
>>17173007
Thanks for replying, anon!
Okay, i think i'll start working on my current acquaintances.
I don't know maybe my fear is logical, like you said, i don't understand that "no pain, no gain" principle. Like i can't get over betrayal for 4 months at least, it damages my performance at everything.
The only person I wanted to ask out was my first friend, but it was doomed to be LDR. Plus, he was constantly going on about his cool female groupmate(already with bf, tho). She also fit in with his circle of friends nicely, i stopped talking to the friend, because it literally drove me mad.
Like i thought i should change my university and kill my career to try to be with them.
Finding a guy isn't impossible, I have to make friends with guys, etc. Some time in the future.
>>17173203
4 months?
It took me half a year just to get the fact clear in my head that im supposed to break up before hatred eats me from the inside and another 9months to stop feeling this unimaginable rage all the time
A few guidelines i can give you
Never change your life for someone, a few compromises and additions are okay but no switching schools, jobs, places, nothing
You dont owe anything to anyone
And be selfish, dont be a bitch but be selfish enough and look out for your own ass before others, i always looked after my ex and everybody but in the end i was left with nothing but more shit thsn i could have imagined
