Supporting BF
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
I supported my bf for about 8 months while he was fired from his job at Target. I am a PhD student and University instructor.
This January, I has a massive mental breakdown. I was hospitalized for a month and diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. About a month later (he was taking care of his ailing mom who is now the image of health to the point that her hospital is doing a piece on her) my bf moved in with me in the apt that I pay for 100%.
I will be starting again as a prof in the fall and have tried to find some part time work with no luck. I'm on Welfare because I can't find work (Pro-tip, McDonalds won't hire PhDs, for real, because we're too educated). He managed to get a job at Walmart with his HS diploma about a month ago.
Anyway, so today my bf picked up a bottle of wine for me and acted like he was a fucking martyr, even after I bought his pizza dinner.
I cook elaborate, gourmet dinners and clean the house EVERY day, all I ask is that he take out the trash. Today he called me a lazy pos for not taking out the trash.
Am I in the wrong? Because I can't find a job for a few months should I act and be treated like a slave?
>>17169250
Serves you right, stupid bitch.
You need to end this relationship.
It is only going to get worse.
You are going to continually resent him for having to support his lazy ass.
And he is going to take it for granted that you should do this.
As a PhD student, you do not need this stress in your life.
END IT NOW!
>>17169250
Get rid of the boy. Find a man. Problem solved.
>>17169250
Yes. You should be taking your pretty pieces of paper to every store in the area, ideally taped over your mammaries, and waving them at the cashiers until they turn into sobbing masses of gelatin and bring you carts full of the necessary goods free of charge. Not using your higher education to guilt service workers into supplying you with your wants and needs is lazy and undignified.
FOR SHAME!
>>17169250
>Because I can't find a job for a few months should I act and be treated like a slave?
No, and he should be more sympathetic to your situation, especially considering you supported him when he needed it.
However (and it's tough to gauge this properly without hearing his side) it sounds like he might be having trouble coming to terms fully with your diagnosis, he's probably incredibly upset about his mother, etc, and this is causing him to act out.
Might be worth it to try talking to him about these things, how it's making you feel, why you think it's unfair.
>>17169278
Are you seriously acting like I'm being entitled when I (someone who has completely put herself through undergrad/Master's/PhD) am acting above working at MickeyDs when I said in my OP that I tried and was turned down? Kys homie.
>>17169269
But he is supporting me right now and presumably will be for the next couple months until I can start teaching again.
>>17169265
POP Hold it down.
>>17169281
I just talked about them tonight and he said it was nothing. I don't know what to do really. I know he hates that I have BPD and is constantly hounding me to take my lithium despite the fact that I always take it on time.
>>17169300
Yes. You should take off your clothes now, superglue your diplomas to your body and dance in the street. Wageslaves will weep in their sorrow and toss their food, clothing and furniture out of their windows and beg you to take it.
>>17169310
Sorry, but I'm not a slut, home skillet. I would flip burgers a hundred times over before I flashing my tits on the internet like a dirty whore.
>>17169338
Not on the internet and proper placement of your diplomas will conceal your womanhood. Go onto the streets or to the nearest Walmart Supercenter. They will sate your urge for consumer electronics and food commodities.
>>17169343
Your statements are actually making zero sense now. I really cannot understand what point you're trying to convey. Try again.
>>17169353
My initial post was a step-by-step explanation about providing for yourself until your university job starts. Follow the instructions and you'll be fine.
>>17169377
No, kys my nigga
>>17169390
They will give you their bounty. It's only natural.
Please. Accept your place in society. I wish I could.
>>17169250
PhD in?
>>17169400
Media Psychology. I'm primarily a statistician in practicality. I study how people interact with/use the media, in my case, specifically video games. My secondary research area is on social identity (Tajfel & Turner, 1979), studying how our social identities (i.e. fandoms) affect our lives.
I could be like the dude I kinda look up to, the dude who discovered the Proteus Effect, Nick Yee, and go work for Ubisoft and make a million dollars a year, but honestly, I'm really only in it for the data.
>>17169250
I mean, if this is an accurate account, then you're definitely not in the wrong.
I do not believe this account is 100% in good faith. I am, in fact, pretty sure that this account is an approximation that is based in the barest presentation of facts with no real regard to context.
But on the note of bare facts, this is your apartment. Tell him to take out the trash or fuck off. There is nothing ethically wrong with that, if he doesn't like the rules, he can leave. But this is an action with long-term consequences and I am pretty close to 100% sure that you are a person who likely says hurtful things and blame your bipolar disorder, allowing you to say them without having to commit to any long-term consequences ("Babe you know I didn't mean it"). This causes him to resent you and passively (or even actively) avoid doing his share so you'll instigate an argument, which is an excuse to actually talk about your issues in some form, which is a form where moral high ground will be far more up for grabs than in a straight conversation, which he's afraid to have because he can't truly criticize your habits because you will always fall back on "This is my apartment" or "I have bi-polar disorder", which are very fair and strong arguments but also closes the door on any conversation having meaningful results from a relationship standpoint.
I'm also pretty close to 100% sure that you didn't show any true appreciation for that bottle of wine and he likely went into "Martyr mode" because he was hoping for you be happy about a gift and you probably were just like "cool put in the fridge" then went back to washing dishes when the dude probably wants to kiss your neck and play with your boobs on the couch while you watch tv.
This is not to redeem him, I think he sounds like a fuckboy. But one of the strongest things you can do, as a romantic partner, is take the time to consider the feelings behind your partner's actions while also not allowing them to continue.
>>17169416
hahah, that sounds so niche
>>17169419
Well, I have BPD I, which means I have never really experienced the "fun" of mania. What I get instead is the lowest low of depression that would make anyone with non BPD depression literally kill themselves.
And I should know, after 3 serious hospitalizations including throwing myself in front of a truck.
I never bring up my BPD or the fact that I own the apartment around him. I have never once brought up either of these facts when conversing with him.
When he bought me the wine I texted "omg tytytytytyty ILU soooooo much" and then I thanked him again when he came home, while fucking pulling his favorite type of pizza out of the oven I kept it warm in.
>>17169439
Again, if this is an accurate account, you are a thousand miles up on the moral high ground.
I just don't believe you. I've known plenty of people like you, and I know what both sides of the story tend to be. I question your ability to hold back on firing the BPD bullet when you included it in your OP despite it actually not being important to the story. I mean, its important to your life, sounds like it was a humongous, trying, tiring, and life-sapping ordeal. But your situation is at least one month removed from the hospitalization so I don't really see how its relevant to the wine story.
>>17169493
Because I've been out of work since I was hospitalized? Now he holds any mild kindness over my head for not being able to find a job.
Like for his birthday I gave him a full body massage, a bj, and basically did an all day anything-goes sex thing for him. What was his response? "Why didn't you buy me this record I wanted?"
So I dunno, but it sounds like you have a lot of personal experiences that make it hard for you to give objective advice; no offense.
Oh also,
>>17169300
You say he's supporting you right now, but its your apartment you pay 100% for?
>>17169510
Out of savings, I still pay the rent
As for jobs, I just leave my higher education off my CV when I'm applying for jobs that don't require it. If you have any academic jobs on your resume just replace them with "administrative officer at anon university" or something like that. I work as a dishwasher from a job ad on gumtree because my short term contract at a government job ran out a month ago.
>>17169509
That's fair.
The only piece of advice I gave you is 100% objective tho. "But one of the strongest things you can do, as a romantic partner, is take the time to consider the feelings behind your partner's actions while also not allowing them to continue."
Everything else was because I feel like there's going to be a disconnect between the contexts of the situations and what you've pulled from the situations. If, and I do understand its an if, I'm right and your view is skewed, there will be no amount of advice that will truly help you.
Which is why I began each post acknowledging your position if its accurately portrayed. You don't need much advice if you're that far in the right, at least not as far as relationship advice goes, because the only advice that matters is "Tell him to shape up or get out". People will not change because you go all out for them, they are who they are. You make sure he knows he can't take you for granted and, if he's a good, solid, responsible human being who just happened to have taken you for granted, you might see enough improvement to save the relationship.
Now, if you're looking for advice on how to survive with no job AND not have to deal with his bullshit, you likely are going to have to cut out the "elaborate, gourment" dinner part for a while.
>>17169300
Do you have bipolar disorder or BPD? They are two completely different things.
>>17169250
you know i would be on your side almost entirely if you didn't say you had bi-polar disorder. I honestly can't trust anything you say. Obviously how you described YOUR SIDE of the story makes it seem like he's a complete piece of shit. but two things, you're a woman AND you have bipolar disorder.
>>17169274
no man would tolerate a bipolar woman. and just so you know, real men can a lot more than you think.
