>>17158699

we tend to compartmentalize our relationships.

you are the most important man in her life, and if some other person approaches you feel like all she might have for you is the sexual aspect of your relationship, and you fear she will transfer that to him.

I have a similar issue with my boss. not sexually, but i see him as a father figure / mentor, and he clearly looks at me as the 'mentee' if you will. we are extremely close. and i do have an internal jealousy when i see that he is scheduled to have lunch with another young man. he is a large father figure and actually adopted three kids who didnt have a father.

in your case its a little rougher because romantic relationships are widely believed to only have room for one and he DID show an interest in her. sure you can trust her, but can you trust him to give up? can you trust this stranger who DID try to take your place not to slowly be waiting for the right chance to make her his?

you arent entirely in the wrong here.

Ah geez. I'd start packing, OP.

You should really talk to her, and put your foot down though. Tell her you don't think it's wise for her to become so close with somebody who clearly has romantic feelings for her when she's already in a relationship. Tell her that it's disrespectful to the person your with. Don't manipulate her, but let her know that if she plans to continue this behavior, you're going to leave her because you feel that she wants to be with him more than you.

It's not your fault, OP. This shit happens. This is life, it likes to fuck with us. You've got to just roll with the punches, it'll all work out.

Do yourself a favor though, and don't believe her when she tries to tell you that everything is okay. It's actions that make history, not words.

Most people here are probably going to tell you some variation of your girl not respecting you and you having to assert yourself. Sometimes the best way to assert yourself is by being comfortable with what's happening.

Listen man you guys have been going out for 7 years and she turned him down. She does this with others yet you feel jealous of this one in particular because he likes her. There are boundaries - she should be capable of defending those boundaries but if not for example he gets grabby and she does nothing you 1. Tell him to knock it off and 2. Tell her to do a better job

People are so scared of being hurt they sabotage future opportunities for themselves. You wont be cucked (as most would say here) if she cheats, you can only be cucked if you let yourself feel that way. If she cheats she wasnt worth your time and you can move on with your life with little to no emotional pain.

But if you don't trust your girl then there's no point in being in a relationship with her, no matter how amazing she is in other ways. This is a personal problem that can only be fixed with being exposed and becoming gradually comfortable. My gf has lots of male friends, I'm sure most of them would love to bone her, even some of my mutual friends.

I'm secure enough to know that she won't and if she does I can get rid of her in a heartbeat.

>She hangs out with guys because it is less drama

Did not know this was a red flag thread.

>>17158743
That isn't security, that's not caring.

Security does not exist, and cannot exist. You can be the most sound of mind individual in the world, and still slip up when you're vulnerable. Not putting yourself into these situations is the best defense.

>>17158730
Honestly if any guy tried to force me to pick between him and a friend I'd say "okay, bye". Not because I don't love the guy I'm with, but because I hate ultimatums with a passion. I hate being forced in such an underhanded way and won't be with someone who thinks it's the reasonable first step.

>>17158753
You're right, but saying you're secure has very different implications than saying you don't care.

Perhaps to reconcile the two we can say that the only thing you are secure of is your well-being, that no matter what happens you will be okay. After all we can only be sure of what's inside, we can't control outside events.

Though I disagree with not putting yourself into these types of situations as being the best defense. That's just another method of being impossibly secure.

Anyone saying you should be fine with her "friend" they are wrong. He is a suitor who has been put on hold.

OP your girlfriend still talks to this guy because she likes his attention and the way he came on to her. This isn't a "friendship" in any true regard. And yes it would make most people uncomfortable. It is up to you to set your boundaries as to what defines a platonic relationship (ie. friends before you met, in separate relationships, NOT romantically interested and asking out your partner)

>>17158699
>She has gone to his house (they both like anime) and to movies
And you're okay with that? I guess not, but didn't have the guts to say so. I figure your relationship is almost over.

>>17158754
I think that's fine. It's a resolution, which is the entire point of an ultimatum. If you decide to leave your partner instead of stay with them, it speaks volumes of your relationship together.

Leaving would be the best option if you aren't willing to understand where they are coming from, or why they've been driven to that point.

>>17158788

>Though I disagree with not putting yourself into these types of situations as being the best defense. That's just another method of being impossibly secure.

It's acknowledging a potential problem before it becomes one.

If your partner doesn't acknowledge the situation as being a problem, it's because it isn't a problem for them.

If the situation isn't a problem for them, it's because they aren't taking your perspective and feelings into consideration.

I would not want to hang around with somebody who was romantically interested in me if I had a significant other. Not only would the prospect of potential advances on me be awkward, but it would be inconvenient to have to explain potential misunderstandings to my partner. The easier solution is to distance myself from that person.

>>17158754
Ultimatums such as this is considered emotional abuse.

>>17158699
So your girlfriend has gone to the movies with this guy and has been alone with him in his house, knowing that he likes her?

Sounds fucking sketchy OP

>>17159042
Oh stop being so soft. You don't even know what emotional abuse is.

It's a choice presented. "I am not happy with this, so either this has to change, or I'm going to have to leave."

Not allowing a person the freedom to leave is emotional abuse. If you aren't okay with something and your partner can't understand or respect that, then you SHOULD leave.

>>17158699
Her next move will be telling you, 'oh, me and lover boy are going out for drinks, hehe, don't worry nothing will happen, I love you, not him'

You either:
accept it
put an end to the 'friendship', which is really near impossible without you coming off like a 'control freak'.
Privately tell him to back off
Break up with her

>>17158699
Have you even directly told her that their relationship makes you uncomfortable yet?

Be careful OP, same deal happened to me. He ended up kissing her.

>>17158754
If any girl couldn't respect a situation that made her man uncomfortable, then she's not much of a girlfriend.

>>17159075
this right here

>>17159075
But in the case of issuing an ultimatum, he isn't respecting her and is making her uncomfortable. You talk things out instead of letting them boil to that point. Ultimatum is telling someone this is the last straw. If they didn't know there was an issue, well they're going to be uncomfortable with how you handled it.

Neither person in that scenario is much of a partner, and it's better that people who are incapable of communicating break up.