I have been with this girl for almost three years.
She is my first (and well, I am definitely not a teenager anymore...). Before her, I had no experience with girl because of extreme shyness and social awkwardness (I am very good at work relationships, not that bad at socializing, but almost clueless with girls).
Two years ago she was diagnosed with BPD. She has been in therapy since then.
She can be really nasty, when she has a crisis. She later realizes the terrible things she said or did, and deeply apologizes. However, because of this, she is almost always feeling guilty about something. On top of that, she tends to be extremely anxious about her work. She has control OCDs and when in doubt she always asks me first. She asks me to check all the email she sends, for example.
She tried to break up with me multiple times, but every time she apologized and came back to me.
She is able to be sweet, funny and cute, but most of the time she is worried/depressed about her work or about the fact she is not doing enough with her own life. She keeps asking me what is the right place for her, what if she did everything wrong and if she should quit her job (even if she is actually very good at it; she is kind of an overachiever).
This girl is not a bad person. She is struggling, she is willing to change, she is genuinely suffering because of her condition; she is not just being "mean".
However... I am starting to feel tired. It is quite an exhausting situation. I do not really know if she will ever learn how to manage her condition.
I spent wonderful moments with her. We have lot in common, when she is in a good mood we can talk for hours and have incredible fun. I feel sympathy for her, and when I find myself wondering if maybe I would be better off alone, I feel in pain and so sorry about her.
In the end, here I am, in doubt just like her, asking for advice. What do you think of this situation? Do you have any advice for me?
>>17157029
4can won't let me post.
>>17157036
Sorry, what?
Well, there's a difference between loving someone and feeling sorry for them. Do you LOVE love her, or just "damn what will happen to you if I leave" love?
It it's the second one, you're not doing any of you a favor by staying with her.
It is not her fault for being sick and it is also not your life mission to stay in an unhappy relationship if that's not what you want.
Try imagining YOUR life without her. Would you like it? Think about it really hard. Don't think about her feelings for a second, just focus on what you want.
Some would say that is mean, but if she loves you, she would understand and want you to be happy and not miserable.
>>17157049
I would miss her a lot. Her, and the time with her. It is not just about feeling sorry for her.
However, I do have concerns about our future together. She has been in therapy for two years already. I do not see any real sign of change, or of better self-management. When she calls me, it is mostly to complain over and over about things she should be able to manage on her own. Sometimes she invites me to sleep at her place, and she is very happy about that, and then when I arrive she is really mad, and says that she is tired, that she cannot take care of a guest, that she is either single or married and cannot live like a single during the day and then care about a partner at night. She later apologizes, of course, and regrets what she said... But such behavior is really unnerving and stressful.
I wonder, am I strong enough for this? And sometimes I imagine... what if we will eventually end up married and have children? Will I have to defend the children from their own mother's crises? Will I have to act like the good guy, and make her the "bad one"? But this is now bordering on pure fantasy. There are no children here, it is just about sorting my feelings out and, hopefully, receiving advice from people who have been through something like this.
>>17157085
Yeah, I understand you.
I don't have anything like BPD, but I do tend to be a bitch to my boyfriend. Because well, I make mistakes, I'm an idiot, I take out my frustrations on him and I always regret it. So I kind (a little) understand what is happening there. It is very frustrating.
Do you fight? Do you stand up for yourself or do you just wait until she's done yelling and apologizes?
Have you ever had a real talk with her about the problems you're having?
What helped my relationship, or rather me change my ways and try harder, was the shock factor. Maybe if she hears you think about breaking up, maybe she will try harder to heal?
>>17157085
The thought process in itself couldnt hurt i supposse, and looking towards the future they are legit questions.
She probably doesnt have an ansswer though. And she already tries her best.You can't really blame her.
I left a girl before with mental problems that I really, really liked. The sex was also amazing and it just felt so close all the time.
I am happy that I went. I have a wonderfull girlfriend now (after 3 years).
The relationship is not so intense, so I feel like I am still missing this, but hell. She has LOGIC. And that is amazing, it so good to be on the same page, to be able to talk about problems and solve them both directions. To have an adult by your side who is improving and giving you hope for self improvement also.
So yeah, for me it turned out pretty okay. I do miss the intensity, I do miss the sex, but she found someone else (and that failed) and got kids. I am happy that I am not that person.
I can imagine with a girl like this that you would be tired, that you try your best, but nothing really changes. It all comes down to what she does.
I only broke up, because she pressured me by telling me she would kill herself if I broke up with her (wich I frankly didnt think about untill she said that).
Good luck.
>>17157092
We had some serious fights, especially when I did not know about her condition and I was thinking that she was just mean. I now try to keep calm as much as possible, but sometimes I really feel abused and it is difficult to avoid any reaction.
We have been talking a lot about this situation. She knows about my problems, and she tries her best to understand. But she is a little immature, so when her emotions become too strong she just gives up and thinks only about herself. Only to apologize later...
>>17157094
I really miss being able to solve problems together, by using logic.
Anyway, your words made me remember that I set a condition to myself. I will break up with her for sure if she would say or do something about self-harm or harming others.
However, that is not her case... That was a condition I set when I was not able to understand what was going on, and I was fearing she was seriously mentally ill.
>>17157092
Another thing. I already tried the "shock factor". She constantly used the break up thing as a weapon against me, like: oh, you don't agree with me? So why are you with me? Let's break up.
Sometimes, just to see if she was serious, I replied ok, let's break up. The result was devastating. She turned the situation upside down, and said that I was the one who was abandoning her...
However, she never wants to break up for real. She does that because she wants to hurt me in that very moment, and also because she thinks she's unworthy. She believes I will eventually leave her, sooner or later, so she does not want to wait until that moment. I heard it's a typical BPD mental pattern... But after the crisis she regrets every single word.
Which is actually a good thing, except for the fact that she constantly feels guilty. Things could be a lot worse on me. I have a sister with BPD, too. But she's far worse to deal with. She does not feel sorry for any of her abuses. Her BPD goes together with an overwhelming amount of narcissism. She is a living nightmare for anyone who deals with her -and she is actually very proud about this.
Bump. More advice, please?
