How do I stop seeing sex as an inherently and fundamentally bad and damaging thing that predatory men want to do to me, instead of a nice happy fun thing we can do together?
I was raised in an open and positive environment and I've never been hurt or abused or fucked without permission, and I have no idea where this kind of thinking even comes from.
Stop huffing the tumblr
You should see yourself as a bad, dominant girl who can do what she wants with her body. I would recommend listening to the song "Everybody Loves Me" - by OneRepublic.
If you have watched Skins (great british comedy drama) you could take example from the character Effy within it, as she is a strong sexual character.
>>17147758
I want my body to be held and cuddled and never have to touch penis. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you want a boyfriend you're going to have to fuck.
>>17147744
Some people form different opinions about different topics. Just because your opinion doesn't fit with what's popular to believe right now doesn't mean that you need to learn to change what you believe or feel.
>>17147758
>listen to a One Republic song
Are you 12?
>>17147765
That's not true. I'm personally all for physical intimacy that doesn't involve sex; if I were single and looking for a partner again, I would want to wait until marriage.
If we were to reach a point where we mutually wanted to get married, and you still wanted to not have sex, I suppose the decision to do so would necessarily involve accepting that there may not be sex, even after the marriage. That part might be hard for me to accept, but depending on how I felt about you, I would be willing to do so.
>>17147744
Easy. You just date guys, act shy and before you know it you will be moaning under your bf.
>What if is he only using me?
Girl, there are a lot of boys asking the same question as you. You have to risk something to gain something. There is no risk free way of dating.
Also
>over thinking problem
>>17147744
>and I have no idea where this kind of thinking even comes from.
The media.
>How do I stop
You don't, you're a lost cause now.
Go study "womens studies" and get a degree in gender politics, so you can get a job teaching "womens studies" and essentially sit on your fat ass preaching how evil men are.
>>17147765
>I want my body to be held and cuddled and never have to touch penis
Why not get with a girl then?
I mean if you're not attracted to men... Just seems like something a girl could do with you... or a gay guy.
Or an asexual guy even.
There are options...
>>17147778
Are you religious?
>>17147781
I know I will have to put out. That's why I haven't gone on dates for years. I hate paying something for nothing.
>>17147782
I've tried to date girls. Unfortunately the SJW's are right and sexual orientation is seriously not a choice.
I AM attracted to men, and that's why I wish I could feel safe spending time and being affectionate with one, without having to constantly have my fists up in defense.
Gays and asexual guys are literally too rare, not to mention unwilling to date.
>>17147778
I do prescribe to a religion, yes. Is doing so a deal-breaker for you?
>this is what rampant SJW shit in modern society is doing to women
>>17147744
I love sex and wish i could have it every day with my boyfriend. I feel privileged when i get it. I dont understand how women can think any other way.
I think you're not approaching this from the right perspective or youre not dating men youre attracted to.
>>17147808
Pretty much, yes.
>>17147810
I wasn't raised with any hurr durr men are evil -shit. I literally do not know where it stems from and I am really trying to unlearn harmful thought patterns and replace them with positive ones, and I sure hope shitting on my efforts makes you feel better because it really does not help me nor contribute to the discussion.
>>17147778
Sound like one of two things:
>You got fucked in the head about sex. Pun intended.
See a therapist or a sex consultant (one with a degree).
>You are asexual.
See a therapist or a sex consultant (again, one with a degree).
>>17147824
How do you do that?
I WANT to want sex and fuck people I find attractive but it just doesn't happen. I have more urges to stick my hand into a garbage disposal than to have a dick stuck in me.
What's your secret? How do you do it?
>>17147829
I dont know. I have a healthy sex drive and masturbate frequently. I also really love my boyfriend which helps a lot.
My advice is try to channel your sexuality and figure out which fetishes, sex acts and types of dudes you really enjoy. If that doesnt help perhaps you just have a really low sex drive which is also okay. It just sounds like you didnt have experiences with people who were good at sex and tried to make you feel good during. Again it really helps to do it with someone you care a lot about and feel extremely attracted to.
>>17147829
Jesus.
Are you sure you haven't been visited at night as a child?
You sound like a text book childhood trauma sexophob.
>>17147842
How??? Everything sexual just always comes back to minimising it. Even the kind of guys I'm into is pretty consistently about being the least threatening, not wanting or demanding sex, or at furthest completely helpless against me. I don't want to hurt or even dominate anyone, I just want to make sure they won't do it to me.
>>17147844
I haven't been sexually abused, but even going to a councilor with a degree has only resulted in them asking me if I've been sexually abused. I find sex as an act disgusting. I can't even get off to porn. Masturbation? Okay. Voyeur? Sure. Penetration? I'm suddenly out of the mood.
Why does everyone immediately think I've been diddled by daddy when I say I don't enjoy the thought of sex?
>>17147864
>Everything sexual just always comes back to minimising[sic] it
Exactly! How can people be so casual about sex when it can end up in STDs or something serious? How can people just waltz on in to someone's house and do something that's meant to make a baby and consider it regular fun?
>>17147865
Because not enjoying sex or being asexual does not invoce disgust.
So obviously there is something you are not aware of.
If you really haven't been abused as a child (which you may not even remember, mind you), my best guess is that you are lesbian.
>>17147876
You replied to not-OP. I'm a guy. And I'm not a fag.
>>17147865
Why do you need to like sex? Focus your energies elsewhere like on friends, hobbies and work. If youre not feeling it its never right to force this type of thing because itll just make you more stressed and anxious,something the guy will feel as well. Not everyone loves sex, but when you find someone you like a lot it can feel really good to show them how you feel physically as well as mentally.
>>17147799
>Gays and asexual guys are literally too rare, not to mention unwilling to date.
True for gay men, but most asexuals are not aromantic. Assuming the usual initial spark, most would be thrilled to find someone who wanted to date but wasn't interested in sex.
>>17147873
No, I *do* want to slut it up and have sex for fun and do crazy carnal shit. I don't want it to be between a husband and wife, I want to suck a cab driver's dick as a tip and have amazing hoe adventures.
I'm just unable to. I just don't want to. I can't make myself want to. I get sad and scared when I realise someone wants to fuck me, sexual situations automatically make the nicest and most trustworthy people feel unsafe.
I desperately want to want sex but I can't.
>>17147895
I hope you get raped, slut.
>>17147895
Sounds like you need a good rape. Not even being snarky, you want something but you refuse to take it. Might as well just have someone drop ketamine into your drink and give you the dicking of a lifetime so you have no choice but to fuck hobos for fun.
>enter thread
>"Oh boy! Another girl like me who doesn't want to have sex and isn't posting about it on Facebook with a 'woe-is-me' act!"
>it's a "woe-is-me" act!
>>17147883
That was not OP, but I'll answer you answering him anyway.
I can't focus on friends and family and feeding starving kids in Africa to lions because the thoughts and urges won't go away. I wake up every morning wishing I had someone to make tea for and kiss good morning, I fall asleep imagining someone's warm safe arms around me. The thoughts about love and romance keep coming back and the thoughts about sex go with it like cancer on a tumour. They're compulsive, it won't go away no matter how hard I'll try to suppress it.
>>17147906
I went on /adv/ to ask for advice
what would you like me to do hun? (:
>>17147883
Because people my own age have been lied to. I have yet to find a girl who doesn't think chivalry is out-dated. I don't mean white-knighting for a whore, I don't mean serving as a footstool for a vocal SJW, I mean someone who doesn't think it's weird to hold open doors or ask how their day was or what I can do to make their lives easier. They have been lied into thinking they can only find self-validation through sex, and that's a service I refuse to provide except to someone who is proven to be a one and only.
Relationships in this day and age have devolved from something spiritual to something physical. And it hurts. It's a deep, hollow pang in my heart to know that what I value in a relationship is generally lost on people my own age, and it's tiring, so tiring, sifting through the masses, only to find out that she thinks sex is acceptable on the third date, when I'm not even ready to hug her yet.
>>17147926
>Relationships in this day and age have devolved
You're kidding yourself if you think it was ever different. Fashions my change, but humans stay the same.
>>17147939
Then what am I? If not human, what am I, besides being alone?
>>17147926
have you considered that perhaps people DO still want emotional, spiritual and deep things, but it is merely you, personally, who is unlovable?
>>17147829
>I WANT to want sex and fuck people I find attractive but it just doesn't happen.
Are you positive you aren't asexual? It really sounds like you are asexual. If you don't have a sex drive there's really nothing to be done about it.
>>17147955
Then how do I make the compulsive thoughts about getting fucked STOP?
>>17147948
Are you insinuating that I don't think people are in true loving relationships? When I say people have been lied to, I genuinely mean that. If they find love by having sex early in their relationship, who am I to judge? That's not where I want to start a relationship. My experience with family and friends has always been that relationships built on sex are more than likely going to fail.
What I find most appalling about your question is that you think I'm some pretentious edgy teenager who thinks he's hot shit and everyone is beneath me.
>>17147964
>What I find most appalling about your question is that you think I'm some pretentious edgy teenager who thinks he's hot shit and everyone is beneath me.
If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...
>>17147945
Human, you melodramatic dumbass. Just an outlier.
I'm never going to find love in this lifetime either, but you don't see me making /adv/ threads to wallow in self pity. I just shrugged and came to terms with it.
>you think I'm some pretentious edgy teenager
Not quite. More like you're a young adult who's still grappling with the abstract concept of loneliness and is convinced it's super important.
>>17147964
>Most relationships have sex as an active part.
>Most relationships fail.
>Naturally, there must be a conection!
Or both are just normal parts of life and you are just looking for excuses.
>>17147981
To be fair that wasn't what she said. What she said was that it looked like relationships built on sex as a starting point don't usually end up well, which is not an unreasonable observation.
>>17147980
I didn't make this thread. It's not melodrama, it's snarkiness. Just because you shrugged and gave up doesn't mean I'm going to. I don't blame anyone else because there's no one to blame. I'm holding myself to a higher standard, and that comes with consequences, and the points of my posts are to state that there are even guys out there who are searching for relationships not founded on sex.
I do believe relationships are important. I do believe having sex for children is important. But I don't believe you have to have sex to show affection for someone.
I really don't like people misrepresenting what I post.
>>17147825
>religion is a deal-breaker
Interesting. Would you mind explaining this position a bit?
I would certainly understand if you posited that some subset of people who follow religions (e.g. defined by behavior or practices) are incompatible, but to say that any religion at all is a deal-breaker is quite a broad stroke. From the most recent statistics I've seen, you'd be disqualifying approximately 85% of the world's population.
I don't mean this in a derogatory manner, of course; I'm simply trying to understand. I'm the anon you've been speaking with (I'm a Christian), and my girlfriend is an atheist. We get along well because she's an atheist by motivation of logic: she's able to handle, understand, and respect my beliefs so long as I explain the logic behind my understanding of them. She doesn't always agree (or want to agree), nor should she, but we never do one another the disservice of dismissing the other simply because we disagree.
>>17147799
You need to go to psych or something, you didn't just get these feelings out of nowhere. Not to say you were abused, but maybe some of your past relationships weren't as healthy as you thought, and talking to an unbiased therapist may help you figure out where those defensive feelings are coming from.
>>17147995
Psychiatrists don't do anything except try to get you to believe the worst-case scenario so you buy prescriptions so they get more profit. All they will do is say that you've been sexually abused and if you take 40mg of this twice daily you'll be able to live a healthy normal life.
>>17147992
Also, allow me to better clarify the point of my reply:
Sometimes embracing what seems to be incompatibility in one area allows you to come across and meet people who are infinitely more compatible in ways you would not expect. It's ultimately your life and your decision; however, I still advise not to judge a book by its cover!
>>17147991
>I'm holding myself to a higher standard,
A higher standard of what, exactly?
>>17148004
...have you ever actually visited one? It sounds like you're just parroting a steryotype. You stopped short of saying that all they do is make you lie on a couch and tell them about your mother.
>>17148004
It's your job as a patient not to fall for shills. If a psych, doctor, therapist, WHATEVER, isn't helping, then ask for a new one.
You're just as much to blame as bad doctor for either being stupid enough to fall for it, or stupid enough to not look for doctors that took the job to help people and not so much for the money.
>>17147990
The white knight isn't OP.
>>17147992
Because it's so far outside of my range of experience. The thought of someone choosing a rigid arbitrary code of morals to follow for no apparent reason makes me feel uncomfortable, and that someone who does that instead of judging everything on a case-by-case matter is bound to come into odd conclusions and do unpredictable things.
I have no experience of religions outside of the lukewarm protestant faith that was kind of sprinkled on top of major celebrations, growing up. That, and the shit you see on TV.
The concept of someone actually practicing a religion for real is so foreign to me I'd rather avoid it altogether.
>>17147995
I've been on hold for getting a therapist for six weeks now.
>>17148016
Living. I want to know that a girl has a healthy grasp on her lifestyle and doesn't supplement her emotional shortcomings with sex. Having sex to fill an emotional void is a problem for me, as bad as alcohol or drungs.
>>17148032
Push them.
You don't have to be rude or anything like that when dealing with people, but you do need to push. Call them back every other day, ask them what they have done so far, in a polite tone of course, to ensure that you weren't forgotten about and that your request has gone through and has been seen by someone. And then call them back again later and see if that someone has yet to do anything about it yet.
This isn't rude, this is you ensuring that they do their job, and that your health gets taken care of.
>>17148035
Maybe you could hold yourself to a higher standard of living by gaining a healthy grasp of your lifestyle. You do realise that by seeking companionship because you are lonely, you are also attempting to fill an emotional void? That's no less as shallow a reason as sex. You want a relationship? Then learn to be happy by yourself first.
>>17147990
It is.
>correlation =/= causation
The person I replied to is just making a biased conclusion out of a mute connection.
>>17148050
I already have. They always tell me the same thing. My letter has been received. It will be processed. The lines are long, and they need to prioritise emergencies.
I'm considering grabbing a box cutter and a bottle of booze and making myself an emergency.
As for a partner: Find someone who abstains from sex. Yes, they exist.
As for sex: You clearly don't want the D, so enjoy other things instead. Make sure any potential partner knows this going in (ha).
As for the reason(s): The fear is keeping you. Maybe something happened. Maybe you were conditioned. You probably just don't remember it all yet. A family member might, though. Open up at your own risk.
>>17147908
Thank genetics for that. It's all to get you to spread your genes.
http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20160212-the-unexpected-origin-of-love
>>17148059
>My experience with family and friends has always been that relationships built on sex are more than likely going to fail.
It sounds more like a conclusion based on observational evidence to me.
how do you not like dicks? wieners are a miracle of the universe.
i wish i had a cock dakimakura.
>>17148054
What makes you think I'm not happy? Is it because I'm stating a problem I'm facing (and in the same post stating that I'm still plugging along towards a solution)?
>>17148059
It is biased, and it would only be false if the divorce rate in my country hadn't skyrocketed after the pill.
>>17148061
Emergencies are important understandably, but if they are so busy that they haven't been able to schedule one appointment in 6 weeks, then call them and ask them for a new recommendation, and seek out a private hire.
This is what I mean about pushing. I understand it's a type of first come, first serve, but at the same time you're paying into insurance that isn't serving you as it should be. If they can't get their shitty system together, then guess what, they start losing customers.
It might honestly be cheaper or more simple for you to just drive a few miles to the next nearest county and check out their medical services.
My own town is shit for services and most of the clinics pay medical to switch patients over to them, but if I go just thirty minutes out of town, I can get my medical card within a few minutes and take it to any clinic that I so choose.
You just have to start looking at other options hun. You have the freedom to do that.
>>17148080
What I was trying to say was the oft repeated advice about how relationships come more easily when you are able to be happy by yourself. Like, where you'd be content being alone.
That being said, I feel you may be holding yourself above others somewhat with all this dismissiveness towards them, claims of having higher standards as if that weren't entirely abstract and personal, and mostly notably this part:
>the points of my posts are to state that there are even guys out there who are searching for relationships not founded on sex.
Which is quite clearly the classic:
>"I'm not like those other guys!"
Couched in different language.
>>17148086
This is not a matter of getting to pick a private doctor or insurance or any american things, I'm from one of those free health care countries.
The doctor I went to wrote me a PERSONAL letter to THIS PARTICULAR mental clinic which is the one in the city in which I am booked in. I'd have to move hours and hours away from everything that constitutes my life in order to qualify to being transferred to a different city's mental clinic, and all that paperwork is much more than I have resources for. Especially since they're holding my future hostage.
I could go on all day about why what you suggested won't work in my country, but I don't have all day so I would rather not.
>>17148070
Do I have to draw you a fucking Venn diagram?
MOST relationships are more or less based on sex.
MOST relationships will fail. Except the last one.
It's like saying you don't use condoms, because from experience most unplanned pregnancies happened when using condoms.
Guess what kind of dudes actually try to get this logic by their gf?
Not to mention the purely anecdotal nature of the observation, the conclusion ignores literally everything else that has to do with relationships.
He's bending the truth for his own bias. That's all.
>>17148095
It would also be easy to misconstrue what you're saying into me claiming you're projecting your problems onto me. But I know that's not the case. My only flaw is that I can't stand people making assumptions about me, and it forces me to reply every single time.
I want a relationship because, yes, a part of me is missing, because I do believe people are supposed to have a special someone in their life. I finally have the means of supporting that relationship, and my only problem is finding a girl my own age willing to settle down.
This is not a "women are whores" post.
This is not a "women are idiots" post.
This is not a "women only go for 6'20" 569lbs meathead jocks" post.
This is a "women my own age aren't ready to settle down yet and want to keep enjoying their youth by having sex" post.
And I will plainly state so you don't once again misunderstand me:
I'M OKAY IF THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX
I'm not ready to start a relationship WITH sex.
I HOLD NO HOSTILITIES TOWARDS WOMEN WHO GO OUT AND HAVE SEX REGULARLY
Such a lifestyle doesn't suit my interests.
I DON'T THINK SEX IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD
If it were, I'd be whining about how I can't have sex.
Are there any other gray areas I've left too clouded for you?
>>17148104
He didn't make any absolutely defining statements, he didn't say all relationships were based on sex (and they're not). All he said was that his own experience pointed towards a relationship based on sex (i.e. one which in which sex is the most important thing). He stated his opinion was based on anecdotal evidence.The one leaping to conclusions and making pretzels out of truth here is you.
>>17148104
>blasts someone leaping to conclusions
>proceeds to leap to his own conclusions
Is /adv/ cancer and I just didn't notice?
>>17147829
>I WANT to want sex and fuck people I find attractive but it just doesn't happen.
You sound like you want to be "normal."
>>17147962
Meditate. Focus. Relax yourself.
Do something else. It's energy, use it for something meaningful or random.
Or just masturbate.
Yo, OP, this conversation would be a lot easier on everyone if you used a tripcode. Seriously, why don't more people use them?
>>17147995
I second this, but I just thinking therapy.
>>17148136
Tripcodes are for jerks :^)
>>17148124
He is literally designing his life around the premise that sex is bad and used the observation as evidence.
Stop being such an autist. He is making excuses for a stupid or at least musguided position to have and you know it.
>>17148120
Simmer the fuck down hooker, there's no need to go completely neurotic. The basis of my assumptions were based on the text of your posts.
I think the wangsty moodiness of this line:
>what am I, besides being alone?
Coloured my initial impression of you.
>>17148140
He did not, at least not in the post you were responding to.
I don't even have a philosophical stake in this, I just got triggered by your warped and self serving grasp of information. It's bad science!
>>17148140
>designing life around the premise of
Stop right there. I do not dictate what I eat based on my views of sex in relationships. I do not exercise based on my views of sex in relationships. I don't get an education based on my views of sex in relationships. I base my relationships on my views of sex in relationships.
You are truly the master of hyperbole.
>>17148136
>You sound like you want to be "normal."
I also want to be loved.
I don't know how to masturbate, none of the things that are supposed to feel good ever feel good. I even got a vibrator and pushing it on my clit doesn't work.
I just want to feel pleasure, somehow.
>>17148142
It's snarkiness. I've already said it was snarkiness. But rather than trust me on understanding myself you'd rather view me as some loony because I have a different viewpoint. Even worse, when I do clarify things for you rather exasperatedly, you call me a neurotic when everything I've done before didn't spell things out in simple enough terms for you.
>>17147744
Its not, as long as the person fucking you is planning on fucking you till you lose your abillity to maintain a wet vag.
>>17148260
I don't understand what you're trying to say.
Are you saying sex is or isn't bad, and then something about stable relationships?
>>17148032
>religion guy here
Ah, that clears things up a bit. To be honest, this sounds somewhat like my girlfriend's initial line of thought.
If it's any help, and while it's certainly not the rule, by the time you come across seemingly educated, otherwise rational adults who adhere to a religion, many times there's more at play than an arbitrary choice. For many of us, the choice to commit to a religion comes as a result of a combination of exposure throughout our lifetime to certain schools of thought and a series of life experiences and conclusions which lead us to believe in one direction or another. Hearing about and understanding these reasons reveals a lot
For reference, my personal belief has come as a result of my nature and my experience. I work in a STEM field whose theoretical basis is largely philosophical. So much of human knowledge and progress has come as an indirect result of attempting to answer questions like, "Why do we think the way we do?", "Why are we here?", or even "What means do we have of proving or disproving the presence of God?". In exploring my professional field, I have taken an interest in these philosophical bases, caught an interest in religious philosophy in general, and found myself coming full-circle to Christianity (which was also present in my upbringing).
While I understand your hesitation to something that seems so foreign, I do think you would be surprised at what you would find if you get to know people who are simultaneously interesting people and people who genuinely follow a religion (this isn't to say that I personally fit both of these categories, lol).
>>17147767
Fell for the bait
>>17148273
Its a good thing, its how you celebrate being in a long term relationship and whoever you have sex with as a woman you will grow attached to, its not an evil thing to withhold it if you feel like your not ready.
>>17148288
How do I get into a long term relationship without putting out?
>>17148303
Find a virgin guy or just a good one if hes patient and loves you for you he will wait for you to make the first move into full on love making, chastity is a lost virtue its why relationships in the west are dying.
>>17148349
I'm 22, where am I supposed to find a virgin guy who isn't an absolute fucking freak?
cause when done wrong it ruins u emotionally its meant to be done with someone u love not to be used to outlet ur anger and to fix ur emotional and physical insecurities
>>17148357
Church, cigar lounges; libraries; parks; any place that's the antithesis of a club i know its hard to find someone not taking part in the hook up game, but eventually you will find one i guarantee it.
>>17148357
They're probably hiding from your entitlement
>>17148371
Religions are a dealbreaker, I've never heard of a cigar lounge, talking to strangers in public for no reason is rude and weird in scandinavia.
>>17148388
If a girl is crazy, you get your dick wet and your car broken into. If a guy is crazy, you get fucking killed.
My double-standards are upheld for my own safety.
>>17148413
If women are equal then that's nothing but a weak excuse. What makes you think you deserve your perfect qt virgin male husbando anymore than a fat neckbeard fuck deserves his waifu?
>>17148425
I never said anything about virgins, these guys did.
I just want a guy that I don't have to fear will fuck me against my will.
>>17148396
>talking to strangers in public for no reason is rude
jesus fuck, your not talking to them for no reason your talking to them cause your interested in being a. there friend b. in a relationship with them, its 2016 so b is your only option dont worry your a woman they wont be offended and they will talk to you.
>>17148436
None of them will fuck you against your will even if they wanted to its too risky these days, if you knew who the rapist was then it would be fairly easy to identify and jail him
>>17148450
Are you an american?
I can assure you, if I go bother some guy my age for no fucking reason while he's minding his own business in public, he will calmly and politely tell me to fuck off. Exactly how calmly and politely depends on his upbringing, but he will.
>>17148357
>I'm 22, where am I supposed to find a virgin guy who isn't an absolute fucking freak?
Churches. That's pretty much it, in this day and age; if religion is a dealbreaker, then you are out of luck. You won't find any others: a few do exist, but they hide that fact, and you won't be able to coax it out of them.
You MIGHT have some luck at secular humanist or other atheist meeting halls. But you'll have to go for the most recent converts, and you'll have to act quickly. Most will punch their V-card as soon as possible, and the rest will turn freakish fast.
>>17148570
Religious concepts of sexual purity aren't really a thing in Finland. I've literally never seen a sample of it, save for like 3 hijabs.
