love
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
im someone that lives their life for love. i'm a fairly normal person otherwise. 24 years old, 5 relationships in total; my longest (and first) one lasted 5 years when i was with my childhood friend. i have a lot of close friends, some i've known for over 10 years. my self-esteem and confidence is fine, i'm not really lonely when it comes to my social life. i look decent enough and i'm not really conscious about my image or anything.
but, i feel like i have a huge flaw. my life, ever since my first relationship, has been too focused on love.
in relationships that are going well, i look forward to waking up every morning, i look forward to seeing the person i'm dating, making him smile, making him happy. i can't help but want to live for another person's happiness. as i've dated more people, i've come to put the happiness of the people that i'm romantically interested in above mine; their needs and their well being above mine. i don't do it to be a saint; it just genuinely makes me happy, to be responsible for the joy of someone that i feel like i love.
i feel that, this is fairly normal. but for some reason, i take it to an extreme. i let myself be stepped on, i let my happiness, needs and wants be forgotten about. the affection and devotion that i show has been told to me, is worthless. that i'm simply just easy. at first, i fought back. i put my own emotions above the emotions of my partner in my first relationship; and it ended awfully. but in my most recent relationships, i try my best to accept it. i try to change, i try to be patient, understanding; i learned to not try and emotionally manipulate to satisfy my own feelings, to not guilt or shame. i starve myself of affection and still try to make them happy. but in the end it doesn't work out.
my friends tell me that i have low standards. i honestly just want someone sincere, that i can love and be loved by. someone who enjoys being with me, and someone who i enjoy being with.
what's wrong with me
i guess in a way i'm not normal since, the ups and downs of my love life has made me depressed.
the best way that i was able to rationalize it, is that i'm a very loving person. i love giving someone affection, attention, devotion. i love making them feel happy, wanted, desired. and i love receiving the same affection; attention, devotion and desire. i love being wanted by the person i care about the most. in my first relationship, when i didn't get what i wanted, i bit back; i became a pretty bad person, guilting him, manipulating him, etc for what i wanted. i stopped, because it was those very reasons that he left me.
in between relationships, i just become empty. i don't have anyone to give affection to, i don't have anyone meaningful to receive it from. it takes time for me to go from relationship to relationship, because typically at the end my trust is shattered, and i have to do my best to distract myself and not become cynical enough to become a lonely cat lady.
i fall in love easily still. maybe i am just easy, and that the way i am isn't appealing. that what i put value in isn't worth as much to the people that i date, despite it being worth a lot to me.
>>17145680
You're the female me. We're made for the world to break us ;_;
Codependency?
>>17145684
>i fall in love easily still.
As a female you have a more complex brain than a man does in order to help you chose the right partner. Try to make use of it before you fall in love is all the advice I can give.
>>17145696
despite the fact that being like this is just bringing me suffering, i can't imagine myself being anything but how i am right now
my eyes light up like a puppy's when i receive/give any kind of affection at all to my lover. when we're cuddling or being intimate with each other, i wish moments like that could go on forever. when it's just the two of us spending time together, focusing on just each other for hours.
i'm incredibly easy to please, and i'd like to stay that way if i could be happy. i do get envious of dogs sometimes, because of how carefree and happy they seem to be in life; how easily satisfied they are, and how they can be okay enough to function normally still even without the things that make them happy.
i've been made fun of before by the people i've dated for being so easy to please. some of them even begin doubting me, thinking it's fake or exaggerated; which really hurts me. i wonder a lot, if i'm in the wrong for being like this. if i should be harder to please, harder to get. but i don't want to put up such an artificial facade; i just want to be me, and be loved for me
>>17145734
I know the feeling. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, I think we need more people in the world like that. All if want is to make sure you remember not to let anyone compromise your happiness, because I think you deserve the best
>>17145720
i'm not sure if codependent would fit me. my self-esteem is fine, i don't need further validation for myself as a person. i've thought of myself as delusional before, for loving a person still even though outside friends say that, objectively they are out of love with me/are using me. but i don't think that's it?
it's difficult for me to articulate, but, i'd be happiest if i could live for someone else's sake, being responsible for a lot of their happiness. i'd love it even more if i receive similar love, but i'm looking for the former more than the latter. my dream is to marry someone i really love, someone who really loves me, and to just.. be the best wife for him that i can be. to compliment his life the best that i can; not necessarily to be a tool for him, but to be of use to him is a very fulfilling feeling to me, especially if appreciation is shown
again, my friends tease me for it, saying i'm really old fashioned for being happy with that, but it really is what makes me happiest.
as far as falling love easily and stuff.. it's not like i go partying and clubbing and pick up whatever guy has his sights on me. it's just.. with friends that i'm close to (online or offline), i can't help but get attached to them at times, if we spend a lot of time together and we both enjoy each others company, it's really difficult for me to not start having feelings of some sort.
and, i'm not really sure if that should be, something i should be in the wrong for or not. i really don't know..
I think you should be careful about thinking that you're in love with someone. Actually get to know them and make sure they treat you well -- the way you want to be treated -- before you decide "oh I love this person".
That you're permitting yourself to become involved with people who don't treat you well lends credence to the idea that who they are doesn't really matter to you. It's like what you want is an object for affection and you're not too concerned who it is.
As well as trying to find someone you love instead of just an object TO love, also try to keep a balance between the time you need someone to spend on you with the time they have to spend on the other things that are important to them.
>>17145680
Im the same way and honestly just judging off of what youve posted you seem great...
I dont think there's anything wrong with you at all.
I dont think it's easy being this way however, if you are like me then all the sadness, frustration, and feelings of betrayal are in an odd way worth it as long as you've, in a positive and significant way, affected someone else who you cared about.
>>17145743
the thing is, i feel like it's very hard for me to not compromise my happiness. a lot of times, if i don't compromise it, i feel like things don't end well. in my first relationship, i refused to compromise it; i wasn't being unreasonable at all. i just wanted to spend time together, to be held, to be told that i'm loved and to be comforted.
but pushing things like that with my first boyfriend drove him away. he called me manipulative, said i was the worst mistake of his life, that i ruined him. seeing him react in that way.. i feel like it really shaped me. i felt responsible. i still do. i really hate it when i'm responsible for hurting someone, and to an extent i do try to go out of my way to live in a way that i don't hurt or inconvenience others.
to that point, i'd much rather accept a lack of happiness on my end, than possibly hurt the other person. because what i want is to make them smile, not sad.
i really do want to just be happy. but my happiness is rooted in the happiness of another, and.. i'm okay with that.
>>17145793
Maybe you take an unfair amount of blame from that, an undeserved guilt that stuck with you. The opinion of one isn't necessarily right. There's a kindness about you I find moving. I wish I could find someone similar
>>17145763
Wish I had met a girl like you. I would have already been married and love the crap out of her.
mang it feels bad
Don't change yourself though. Everyone is a bit different on the inside, have different life experiences and can value different things in a partner. Don't give up hope because you only met people who couldn't value you. Sick to your own values because there is nothing wrong with them and there is need for people like you also. The only thing you should never forget is that you should never give away your self respect to anyone, no matter how much you love them. You can give everything but that. If you give that away things always end bad. Don't manipulate or guilt others, just be honest and stand your ground. Love is not just about pleasing a person. Sometimes that person makes mistakes and needs someone who gives them constructive criticism. People are not perfect, so from time to time they need tough love to realize their mistakes. Just don't be selfish about it and always keep others interest in mind. With power comes responsibility, but they will respect you and love you even more for it because you were the one who made them realize their mistake. Don't give up home I'm sure you will make someone really happy one day and find happiness yourself.
>>17145772
i think in general, i have low standards as far as things like, appearance etc go. because of that, i thought the same as you; that maybe i just want an object, ANY object to give affection to, and receive it from. but i don't think that's it at all; it's not like i'd pick a random person on the street and unconditionally love them from that point on.
if there's someone that i have a spark with, that i enjoy spending time with, i'm okay enough with them. i've actually never dated anyone that i didn't know as a good friend at first either; all of my relationships started from at first, platonic friendship. i don't like the concept of specifically seeking out relationships since it seems.. artificial to me.
the problem (?) is, these people that i've dated; they've all treated me well. each and every one of them made me have butterflies in my stomach when i sleep, thinking about them, thinking about how happy i am and how lucky i am to be that way.
it's not like these feelings start after we are official either; they usually start coming up when i'm really enjoying someone's companionship and see that they genuinely enjoy mine too. i don't feel like i've picked bad people for relationships, i just feel.. something is wrong with me, that causes them to fall out of love, to lose interest in me. i don't know ;;
admittedly, at some point of being alone, i can become hasty and brash, after being starved of the intimacy/closeness of a relationship for so long. i try my best to not be like that, to not make impulsive, dumb decisions and easily be charmed; and i think i do a decent job. i can tell who wants to just get into my pants, and who is genuinely interested in me as a person.
i really do try my best to be selective, because i feel like if i don't do a good job, i'm going to have another heartbreak on my hands. and.. 5 is already 5 too many in my life
as dumb as it seems, i wish i could love someone who was exactly like me.
>>17145828
talking about values, i feel like some of my values in love/relationship are way overboard. i feel that way mostly because of my failures. if my partner had shared the same values of love and relationships in me, i feel like one of my relationships would have worked out.
but from what i read, hear and see, i'm the strange person with strange values, and i can't help but question them sometimes.
sometimes i do feel that i let myself degrade too much as a being and lose too much self respect. it makes me wonder, again; was i just too easy? did i just have no appeal after they won my heart and near unconditional love?
love really isn't about just pleasing a person, but sometimes that's the most i can make out of it when things are tense. the worst feeling is when i feel that no matter what i do, i cannot make the person i love happy. i feel worthless. i feel unhappy with myself, and most of all, i feel absolutely crushed.
despite that happening in all of my relationships at a point, i still try to be patient, understanding. i give them space/time. all so that i can see their smile once again. sometimes i do.. sometimes i don't.
being constructive/more critical of myself, and especially my lovers is probably good advice, but actually doing it in practice just seems difficult for me. i don't want to come off as needy, clingy, manipulative, guilting, etc. i'd like for them to understand me from where i come from (and i was assured in my last relationship that he did.. and that was my shortest one yet) and to work together with me. but it hasn't really happened ever
as pathetic as it seems, in all of my relationships, after they've left me.. a lot of times, i just wait. i wait and hope; maybe they'll realize after time if they took me for given, if they miss me, if they miss my devotion/loyalty. it's definitely part of the reason why i take a while between relationships (and, probably why i take so long to get over them).
it has never happened, though
>>17145856
Why did your other relationships fail?
If you changed your behavior and as you said you became less manipulative and needy after the first one, there must have been some other reason. Being happy for others happiness is not a strange value, it's actually a really good value. Problems usually happen if you either tolerate too much and give away your self respect because that kills love slowly but surely or if you are incompatible with the other in your expression of your love. Love is a good thing but if you don't express it well, it can become obnoxious and others won't understand your love. If you let yourself be degraded, others will lose respect for you. It's a sure way to make them lose love for you. Don't let that happen. It's not about being easy, it's about finding someone who can appreciate your love the way you express it while also respecting you.
How do you express your love?
You have to improve on expressing love differently than just pleasing others. I know it's hard, but practice makes perfect. Love it not making the other content 100% of the time and don't be harsh with yourself that you fail at that because everyone does. Love is making others happy and happiness is a deep rooted feeling that tells you that everything is going the way it should but that doesn't mean there aren't bumps on the way. You're not worthless for this, just be honest and try to solve your problems together. Giving space at this point can be a bad thing. Relationships are 80% work you need to learn to solve your problems well together. Being constructive and a good critic is being straightforward and honest. Don't manipulate or guilt, just sit down and talk. If they know where you're coming from and refuse to work together they either didn't love you in the first place or they see your needs as too demanding. What made that guy leave who you told what your problem was?
You sound very emotional and affectionate and for some people this is scary.
>>17145901
In a respectable relationship that would have a chance of working, OP wouldn't even have a chance to degrade herself.
Good relationships have a foundation of trust and understanding. Find someone that is trustworthy, someone patient, someone that will understand you, your needs and your desires. That person will make you happy.
It's not you, it's your luck in choosing.
>>17145793
Honestly, I wish I could be more like you. I've been in many relationships (long- and short-term) and been in many relationships with women. Prior to being in college, I was very unsuccessful when it came to relationships (lost my virginity senior year, my girlfriend was a 5/10 chubby girl when I graduated), and all of a sudden I exploded into extroversion in college and women were all over me.
However, I have never prioritized relationships and I am never able to love like I should. My relationships usually fall apart because of my over-commitment to my responsibilities and my inability to express my feelings to them. When women that I am with want to hear about my feelings towards them, I often find myself grasping for straws in order to string words together.
I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder three months ago. I have never loved a single person in my life, and only feel connected to people when I can rationalize myself into it, which I don't bother doing anymore.
I don't even show affection towards my family members. I don't love them, but I appreciate what they have done for me.
My goal was to be focused on living independently, and it has ruined me. I will most likely die alone because I am unable to make a relationship last longer than a year and a half before I end up emotionally destroying the woman that I am with.
Aside from my lack of affection towards others, I have everything in life that a man could possibly want. I have a stable and high paying job, I'm physically attractive, have good social skills, and I am considered my many to be very intelligent. However, I don't feel proud of my accomplishments, or anything at all really.
I wish I had it in me to feel sad. I haven't cried about anything since I was a child.
I am exactly like you. I had one relationship and I threw everything into it. It disgusted my boyfriend because his "type" was bitch girls who hate him and are above his level. I tried to be that at first and he was extremely attracted to me, but after a while I admitted I just wanted to show affection and be myself and be kind and lovey dovey with him. He said it was fine, but we started having fights because he had zero devotion to anything but his own wants. I was just a tool.
When you are a person like us, other people see you as an object to be used and when they use you up, they blame you for allowing it to happen. They call you pathetic and mentally ill and everything else they can think of to justify the way they behave. Most people are like that.
I do the same thing of becoming manipulative after a while because I become frustrated with circumstances of being used and it makes me feel worthless and insane. I feel like I have no use in this world if I can't do something for someone else's sake.
I think we are just kind of empty. We need someone patient who is willing to constantly remind us that we exist and are worth something... because we are willing to give the same thing back. But people are selfish. They want to do what they want to do when they feel like doing it.
Don't let yourself be stepped on, but you don't have to change. In fact, I don't know if you can. I have been trying to change for years but the thought of mindlessly trying to fulfill my own needs, which I don't even have, makes me feel disgusted with myself.
I think you just need to be reminded you are alive and worth something. I'm not a guy, but I will do that for you. I think you are a genuine and worthwhile person. I think you deserve the amount of love you are capable of giving. Why should you have to care less because others cannot be fucked to care more? I hate that kind of lazy thinking.
Like who you are. It is most likely all you will have on this piece of shit planet.
>>17146152
Not OP though but thank you for your words. I'm similar, only worse because becoming manipulative makes me disgusted of myself also and your words really gave me hope.
>>17145829
Dunno if you're still around OP. I have no idea what you could be doing to someone to make them go from enjoying your company to being so bitter that they'd claim you "ruined" them. That seems extreme and very unkind. Maybe you need someone who can establish boundaries for their need for personal space early and gently, and who will be tolerant in reiterating those when you overstep them.
My guess is that you're just wanting too much attention and demanding it in very unfair ways that don't allow the other person any room to feel they can have interests outside of you. That you write that you want to live for someone else seems a little obsessive and unhealthy and I think even a little intimidating. I am a person who likes to talk a lot and craves a lot of (non-sexual) physical affection to the point where many people find it annoying, but even I need to spend some time being quiet and doing things that I want to do. I'm happy doing these things in the presence of someone else, but I need my focus to be on what I'm doing, not on that person.
When you make it very clear that your own happiness is predicated on making someone else display that you're making them happy, that can be exhausting. If you get upset that they're not happy, it makes their emotions become not about how they're responding to things, but all about you.
>>17145680
I am you, femanon. :'( Literal life goal is to make my partner happy. Simple.
This thread gave me hope that there are still women like OP in the world. All of my relationships fall apart because she stops loving me as much as I love her, one ex even told me it was "scary" how intense I was about our relationship. People like us feel love and affection much more strongly than our peers, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Reciprocal love is the greatest thing in the world to me and I wouldn't want to change that aspect of myself for anything. Moulin Rouge put it well, "in love with love."
I'm gonna start getting choked up just thinking about it, lol. Keep at it OP. Please don't give up on love.
Well op i think I'm like you, I have a situation with my partner, I utterly love her and only want make her happy, but sometimes when we disagree with anything she just says "leave me then, I don't need you" with the most emotionless expression and acts like she doesn't value our relationship, I just want her to value me as much as I value her, but even if she don't I'm here trying to make her happy , even if she acts like she's doing me a favor, I really wish I could do something do she stops just for a little bit being so stubborn, sorry for my bad English , it's not my first language
Man same here :(
>>17146553
>If you get upset that they're not happy, it makes their emotions become not about how they're responding to things, but all about you.
Damn. This reminds me of an article I read about parental expectations. Turns out that it's devastating to expect that your child will be "happy", since then they will feel guilt and shame every time they are not happy.
